Once apon a motherfucking time, the God named Inu no Taisho had a big ass battle with the Titans. Later he married Goddess Sesshmom and knocked her up.

Soon the baby was born! Inu no Taisho and Sesshmom proudly threw a birthday party, and named their son Sesshomaru. Everybody was laughing and having a good time, when a very hated God of the Underworld decided to show up.

"He's not that strong!" Naraku said, walking over to Sesshomaru and teasing him. Sesshomaru beat the living shit out of Naraku.

Everyone laughed at Naraku, who had just been beaten up by a newborn baby. But Naraku just smirked and went back to the underworld, for soon he would overthrow Inu no Taisho and RULE THE WORLD!

"KANNA! HAKUDOSHI!" he called as soon as he got back home. Kanna came over like a good little mind slave, but Hakudoshi had to be dragged. Naraku asked him if the Wolf Tribe was here yet, and much to his displeasure, Hakudoshi said that they'd been waiting for an hour.

"Memo to me...Memo to me: Maim you after my meeting." Naraku muttered as he approached Koga, Ginta and Hakkaku. "Wolves! Hah. I am so sorry that I'm..."

"Late." Koga, Ginta and Hakkaku said in unison.

"We knew you would be." said Koga.

"We know everything." said Ginta.

"Past." said Hakkaku.

"Present." said Koga.

"And future." said Ginta.

"Indoor plumbing. It's gonna be big." Hakkaku whispered to Kanna.

Naraku stared at them because they were annoying as hell. He asked if Inu no Taisho's new son Sesshomaru was gonna ruin his evil scheme, and the wolves replied; "Yes, when the planets line up like this. So give up, loser. It's over." They vanished into thin air, laughing maniacally.

What?! Naraku couldn't stand it! He had to have Sesshomaru dead...but dammit, Sesshomaru was a god, and couldn't be killed.

A-ha! Bingo! A lightbulb flashed on the side of Naraku's head. He had a magic potion thing-if a god or goddess drank every last drop, they'd become mortal! And so he sent out Kanna and Hakudoshi, ordering them to make Sesshomaru human and kill him.

And so Kanna and Hakudoshi did as they were told and kidnapped baby Sesshomaru. They gave him the bottle of the magical thingy and he drank and drank and drank...until some random people interrupted and he broke the bottle, and the last drop dissipated on the floor.

It was an elderly couple, Kaede and Totosai. They saw baby Sesshomaru on the ground and squealed in delight, for they had been wanting a son! Kanna and Hakudoshi tried to scare them off, but Sesshomaru beat the living shit out of them. They watched as Kaede and Totosai took Sesshomaru as their adoptive son and trembled as they knew they had failed.

"Naraku is gonna kill us when he finds out!" Hakudoshi shrieked.

"You mean, IF he finds out." Kanna replied, and Hakudoshi agreed.

Growing up, Sesshomaru was mortal, yes, but he retained his god-like strength because he didn't drink the last drop. Unfortunately everyone was jealous of his good looks, shiny hair, feather boa and super strength and he never had any friends. Sesshomaru often curled up in his room and stoically cried...yes, he cried in a stoic manner.

Kaede and Totosai couldn't bear to see their boy in such pain, and they told him the truth-that he was adopted. Immediately Sesshomaru decided to go to the Inu no Taisho's temple and pray, because everyone knows that praying to inanimate statues solves all your problems.

But Sesshomaru was lucky though, as this statue wasn't so inanimate. It amazingly CAME TO LIFE DUN DUN DUN! He told his son, well, basically everything that we already know that Sesshomaru didn't...except for how to become immortal again. To that question, he simply replied; "Become a true hero, look inside your heeeaaaarrrttt..." in a very epic and echo-y manner before giving Sesshomaru a flying dragon named Ah-Un so he could look for the trainer Jaken, and then became an inanimate statue again.

Jaken wasn't happy about it. He whined and complained about how he was retired because he was a failure and didn't wanna train anyone anymore. However Sesshomaru threw a rock at him, and he immediately changed his mind.

After years of rigorous training, Sesshomaru, Jaken and Ah-Un went on their first mission when they heard a female voice shriek.

"Sounds like your basic DID: a damsel in distress!" squawked Jaken, and they went down to investigate.

It was a blue centaur named Nessus, bothering a woman. An extremely hot and sexy woman that Sesshomaru wanted to glomp right then and there, but he didn't because he was too badass. She had a sexy sexy body, sexy red lips and eyes, black hair in a bun with feathers in it, and wore a purple and white kimono.

Sesshomaru marched right up to Nessus and challenged him but the woman told him to fuck off.

"But aren't you a damsel in distress?" Sesshomaru asked stupidly.

"I'm a damsel, I'm in distress...I can handle this. Have a nice day!" She sarcastically batted her eyelashes. Sesshomaru got horny off of that.

Regardless of what the girl said, Sesshomaru fought the big thing. At first he was getting his ass kicked like a pansy, but then at the last minute he got lucky and won. Jaken lectured Sesshomaru about his poor fighting techniques, but Sesshomaru was more interested in talking to the gorgeous woman in front of him.

Her name was Kagura, and she flirted with him in a way that made him nice and hot. Even Jaken and Ah-Un got jealous! Sesshomaru found himself all tongue-tied and struggled to even talk to her. Soon they had to part ways, even though they wanted to make out.

Kagura returned to the forest and was greeted by Naraku, who was not very happy.

"What exactly happened here?" he asked. "I thought you were gonna persuade the river guardian to join my team for the uprising and here I am sort of... river-guardian-less."

He went on and on and on about how he was gonna add more years to Kagura's sentence as his slave.

"Look, it wasn't my fault!" shouted Kagura. "It was this guy named Sesshomaru."

Naraku asked over and over again about the name, while Hakudoshi and Kanna tried to remember where they had heard that name before. By the time they realized who it was, Naraku was very angry at Kanna and Hakudoshi and he threw a temper tantrum. A real hissy fit!

"At least we made him mortal!" Hakudoshi pointed out. Naraku thought about this, and another lightbulb popped out at the side of his head. He had IDEAS!

Meanwhile, Sesshomaru tried to prove himself as a hero but everyone laughed at him because of his makeup and shiny hair that made him look like a transvestite. Luckily Kagura approached him about some disaster (which was actually Naraku's plan to kill him) and, after a long fight consisting of very stupid and unnecessary moves, Sesshomaru won.

Just because he won one fight, he was suddenly a superstar! He had paparazzi chasing him, cheerleaders rooting for him, millions of dollars, was on the cover of every magazine, and made friends with Chuck Norris. Sesshomaru was a big celebrity!

Even Kanna and Hakudoshi were buying his merchandise, which made Naraku very angry, and he threw many more hissy fits and temper tantrums. But he realized that everyone had a weakness, so Sesshomaru HAD to have one. And since he seemed to like Kagura, she was the perfect person to find out what his weakness was.

"I need somebody who can...handle him as a man." said Naraku, winking like an idiot.

Kagura rolled her eyes. "Hey, I've sworn off manhandling."

"Well, you know, that's good because that's what got you into this jam in the first place, isn't it? You sold your soul to me to save your boyfriend's life. And how does this creep thank you? By running off with some babe. He hurt you real bad, didn't he, Huh?"

" Look, I learned my lesson, okay?"

"Which is exactly why I got a feelin' you're gonna leap at my new offer. You give me the key to bringing down Sesshomaru and I give you the thing that you crave most in the entire cosmos: your freedom."

Sesshomaru had gone back to his dad's temple, but to his disappointment, Inu no Taisho told him he still hadn't become a true hero. He went to his photo shoot very angry and choked the photographer. He was pissed until Kagura showed up and asked him out on a date-he had SCORED with the mega-hot chick of his dreams!

And so they went on a very romantic date with flowers and birds and singing and all that romantic crap. Kagura tried and tried to find out his weakness, but she found herself falling in love with his fluffy boa and silky hair with each passing moment. They almost kissed, but Jaken and Ah-Un got jealous and dragged him off. Unfortunately Jaken hit his head on a tree branch and passed out in the area.

Kagura sang a stupid song, and Naraku showed up and questioned her. Kagura was in love, even though she WOULDN'T SAY IT, so she told him to fuck off. Naraku threw more hissy fits, but figured out his weakness was KAGURA DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN!

Jaken woke up just then and heard a little bit of the conversation...just enough to find out Kagura was a minion of Naraku. He went and "warned" Sesshomaru, who bitch-slapped him while Ah-Un got seduced by a fake female dragon somewhere. Jaken wept like a little pansy and left to go on a boat.

Naraku showed up-POOF- out of nowhere and tried to make a deal with Sesshomaru to have him take a day off. Sesshomaru was about to bitch-slap him, but Naraku threatened to hurt Kagura if he didn't comply. So they made the deal that if he surrenders his strength for the next twenty-four hours, Kagura will remain free of harm, and then informs him that she was his minion soon after.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" they both cried and wept.

And so Naraku freed the Titans and sent them to destroy the gods and goddesses so he could take over the world. The Cyclops was sent to kill Sesshomaru. Because he had given up his strength, sesshomaru got his ass kicked fiercly and was thrown around like a little twig. Kagura went to find Jaken, and Jaken came back and gave a corny speech about random crap. Inspired by the cheesiness of it all, Sesshomaru defeated the cyclops!

However, during the monster's rampage, a column started to fall. Sesshomaru was right underneath it, and Kagura pushed him away from it. The column fell and ended up hurting Kagura.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" screamed Sesshomaru leaping to save her. As a result, the deal was broken and Sesshomaru's strength was returned.

When Sesshomaru asked Kagura why she would risk her life for him, she replied, "People always do crazy things when they're in love". Touched by the cheesiness, because he always had a hard on for corny lines, Sesshomaru promised Kagura that she won't die.

And then Kagura died while Sesshomaru saved the gods and goddesses. Ironic, huh?

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Sesshomaru shouted. He went to Naraku and demanded for Kagura to be revived, but Naraku showed him that she was currently trapped in a river of...dead souls and crap.

Naraku allowed Sesshomaru to trade his soul for Kagura's, hoping to return Kagura's soul to the surface of the river before he is killed. Sesshomaru jumped in and as his lifeline was about to be cut by the wolves, his super-duper courage and special awesome willingness to sacrifice his life for others proved him a true hero, restoring all his godly powers and rendering him immortal.

YAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYZ!

Sesshomaru punched Naraku into the river full of dead people before he revived Kagura and went to where the gods lived. But when Kagura's entrance was denied, Sesshomaru chose to become mortal and stay on Earth with her.

They all lived happily ever after, except for Naraku, who never got out of that dumb river.