MatchMakerYuffie
Final Fantasy VII
Acrimony Stealthe-Chan

Disclaimer: Acrimony does not own anything that is in this fanfiction (Keyword: fan) except the plotline. Even though it is incredibly cliché; Acrimony hopes to do it justice.

MatchMaker Yuffie
Chapter Three:

I have that silly grin plastered on my face again. It seems to be addictive now. I have no idea why though. All six of us, Elena, Reno, Vincent, Tifa, Cait and me are walking through a shopping centre. A very big one indeed. I quickly glance at all the expressions on everyone's faces.

Cait is smiling. Stupidly. Tifa appears to be 'reminiscing'. Vampyre looks horrifically bored. Reno and Elena are absorbed in a conversation. How boring. You'd expect a shopping trip between the six of us would be much more amusing. I mean for Leviathan's sake, we've got Ms. Boobs, a stupid, talking, walking cat-mog creature, A re- I mean green-haired Turk and a blonde one to match him. Then we have the Vampyre –what more can I say? - And then, there's me. The Princess of Whatnot.

But no, we're walking in complete 'silence' save for the idiot commentary Reno is attempting to enlighten Elena with. I seriously don't see how she puts up with him. I mean, he's such an arrogant asshole! He's so mean too! He's only useful to make fun of.

I sigh exasperatedly as I hear Reno make another totally lame joke. It's amazing how he even got passed Turk School or whatever you have to pass to become one of those massacre causing, bloodthirsty demons of revenge. Sephiroth, on the other hand, would have totally aced it. What, with him and his bloody Masamune. But he wasn't even a Turk. Stupid First Class SOLDIER.

"I'm bruised" Elena complained and looked at a growing, deep blue mark on her arm. Obviously Reno had hit her, 'playfully' for some unknown reason.

"Are you crushed?" Reno replied and immediately began to cackle in his highly infectious laugh. I sigh again, I really feel like hitting him. How lame can anyone get? I mean, hello! Bruised and Crushed. Not funny! He's such a lame ass.

Tifa turned at the mention of 'crush' and blinked slowly at Reno, her eyes showing all that needed to be seen in order to see her strong distaste for the Turk. Elena, she had a mild soft spot for, but definitely not Reno. Especially since he blasted up Sector Seven. Speaking of which, he'd never even answered us when we asked him why he did it. Or maybe he did. I'm not sure. Maybe I'll ask him later. Ha. That is it I don't kill him for making another pointless joke about completely lame things.

"Hey, Why do the…" Reno began to say, and before he knew it, Elena was screeching in some unearthly, banshee-like manner. But for a good reason. It was obvious she was very pissed off at Reno. And I was fully on her side. I mean, how much of one's lameness could one take?

"That's it! Shut up! Shut up! I've had it up to here" She shrieked angrily, a military styled hand slashing upwards towards her forehead in a gesture of anger, she clearly didn't know how to express her frustration in any other way. Such a pity. And she was the 'brains' of the Turk-bunch. Beside me, Cait's loud giggling fills the air as he cheers Elena on. He should shut up too.

"Oi. Stop it you stupid morons!" I yell, jumping into the fray. No particular reason why, let's just say I'm bored and I need something to occupy my time with. And arguing is fun most of the time! We're yelling over some very pretty music, wait a second. I know this song. Too bad I can't seem to put a name to it since our screaming happens to be repulsively loud. I can see all of these obnoxiously strict, old ladies staring at us with sheer disbelief. We must be quite a sight. Reno continues yelling at Laney; and Laney… well she's yelling at us both. Wait, why on Earth am I getting yelled at?

"It's his faaaault!" I whine pathetically at Laney and then decided to head towards Tifa. The tall, shapely brunette glaring at the Turks with a look of sheer fury. Oh the embarrassment she must feel. Maybe if I were her I'd be embarrassed too. But I'm Yuffie. The Princess of Wutai. And I'm not scared or embarrassed or anything of nothing! If that even made sense.

"All of you. Stop it!" Tifa shrieks suddenly. She heads towards Elena and Reno angrily, pulling her gloves onto her hands with every intention of…

Pulling them apart!

I pout as I realize that Tifa wouldn't be using her 'brawn' against the pair. It would have been even more amusing. Ohwell. Seeing them all argue would have to suffice for now. Vincent stands beside me, looking on with a passive face as usual. Dude, you should either crack up or frown at this idiocy! He's such a brick wall. Emotionless. Wordlessly, he looks over at Tifa and they exchange glances –Oh my! Progress!-, slowly, he heads over towards a completely different area of the mall and well… Tifa has to literally drag the still arguing Turks. Why does Reno have to be so damn lame?

"We're here to buy snow gear. So buy it!" Tifa says angrily. Irritation evident in her voice as she herds us all like we're a flock of sheep into the first, large snow-store she sees. Yay! Shopping! Freedom! I wonder. What colour skis should I get? Pink is just… disgusting. I hate it. Pink is the most over-rated colour there is in the universe of colours. But, in a sense, so is blue.

Maybe I'll get purple and yellow? I ponder and finger a pair of said coloured skis. They're designed really prettily. The purple is the base colour and on top are thunderbolt patterns in a shiny yellow. Ohyes. They glossed it too! Woot for shinyness!

"Hey, that's a nice pair of skis, Yuffie. Are you going to get them?" Tifa's voice cuts through my random musing over this particular pair of skis. She's standing beside me, her chocolate-brown eyes running swiftly over the other skis surrounding my pair. Not that they're legally mine yet.

"Heh. Probably. That is of course if I don't find a better pair" I answer with a smile and look around at the chromaticity of this particular store. It was said to be Midgar's finest Ski Store. Not that I ever understood the idea of Midgar having a ski store. I'd always thought it would be more of an Icicle Town thing. Ohwell. Modern days have advanced a whole heap. Midgar in particular. Though I suppose I'd have to go pester Barrett over why there was a bloody Ski Store in Midgar of all places. Hey, maybe I'll even ask Mr. Cancer sticks if Rocket Town has a Ski Store.

Unlikely though. He'd probably just not answer and instead puff a haze of smoke at me, and then Shera would probably answer and ask me if I was feeling alright since Rocket Town would probably only have Aerial Stores. Not that I really care. I don't think Wutai has any Ski Stores of a sort. At least I'm not aware of any. I mean hello, Wutai hardly ever gets snow. And when it does, it's not anywhere near enough to ski properly on. As for Aerial Stores, I don't think our Forest-Loving population would even consider flying.

Well, I know I dislike flying. Flying… has never been my strong point. After all, every time I get off of the Highwind or the Sierra, I end up feeling very queasy. It's not like it's an allergy or disease or summin' it's just my abnormally low tolerance of heights. Anyway, Vincent is hovering nearby, keeping a firm eye on Elena who is… fuming? Okay then… I think and roll my eyes. Now why on earth would Laney be angry?

Ohwait.

Nevermind.

I get it.

I look over at another section in the store and something or rather, someone catches my eye. Not that that certain someone was worth indulging my precious time on, no; it was more or less what that person was doing. Bloody Turk! I feel like screaming at him angrily. How can he be so bloody inconsiderate to Laney? I swear he knows how to wreak revenge. But not to poor Laney!

"She doesn't deserve that" I mutter to Tifa with a mockingly pained expression. It's no big secret that Laney has a massive crush on Reno. And I'm almost willing to bet my whole material collection that Reno knows it too. But how could he possibly… I mean doesn't he have any bloody consideration for her? Sure, Turks are meant to be emotionless and all, but not that emotionless! That spot's reserved for Lord Valentine himself. What the… Lord Valentine? Where the hell did that come from? That's like… Count Dracula! Okay no. Now I'm just rambling.

"Men. The bane of any woman's existence" Was Tifa's only reply. Not like she could or should talk. Everyone knows or knew about her temporary infatuation- wait, did I just say 'temporary'? I meant permanent infatuation with a certain aggressively stoic Cloud Strife. I swear I'm doing her a favour by trying to get her and Vinnie together. Sure, Spike and Vinnie are both emotionless walls, but I'm sure Vincent would be a welcome change compared to Spike. Spike is just in his little hole of holes pondering over Aeris. No, don't get me wrong. I have nothing against her. She was like, the coolest person ever- After me that is. But I just don't think it's healthy or relatively normal to dwell so much on the deceased. But then again, trying to tell that to Spike is like telling Vinnie to get over his little lab who- I mean, Love interest.

Lucrecia Crescent. I don't seem to recall the first time I heard her name mentioned. Since I'm sure that Vinnie's mentioned her at least once a day, and if not about her, then some rubbish about Atoning for some Sin of Whatnot. Sure, he could technically be Spike's arch-nemesis's biological father… but other than that, what other Sin has he made? But still… Sephiroth… I shudder at the thought of him even now. The havoc he wreaked is just disgusting. And I'll never forget what he'd done to my Wutai. My precious Wutai. My lovely…

I watch the blonde Turk with growing interest as she appears to be hissing at Reno. I can't say I blame her. Reno can be such an asshole sometimes. I then move my gaze back on the Red-Head and watch with either amusement or indifference –probably the latter- as he flirts with one of the Store Assistants. She looks to be around twenty-one or so; since I'm guessing she uses too much make-up to the point that it's not normal, in a futile effort to look younger, but only really succeeding in looking like a try-hard street-skank. She giggles possessively and leans closer towards Reno with a 'seductive' –note quotation marks- smile on her plastic-y face. A loud hiss of rage obviously indicates that Laney wants to go over there and rib off that girl's face off the planet but obviously Vincent's sheer presence next to her is stopping her from doing just that.

The Store Assistant isn't actually much prettier than Elena. If I had to compare to the Blonde, I'd say Elena was much prettier and as for the general aura of the two, Laney would be much nicer. But then I suppose the Assistant's abnormally large bust –I swear they aren't real- most likely make up for her lack of other appeal. Other than that, I don't see what Reno could possibly want with the girl. Her platinum blonde hair –black at the roots… FAKER- was disgustingly lifeless and shine-less, her eyes were coated in an unhealthy amount of mascara and eyeliner, and she wore clothes that were obviously two-sizes too small. Men have strange tastes in women I concluded and sighed.

Cait's furry head suddenly pops out through a rack of ski-gear and he yells a quick 'Boo' at me. I jump back alarmed, with every intention of slicing that stupid mechanical bot apart with whatever blade I could get my hands on –Conformer, is sadly at home-. Cait's giggling increases into hysteria as I grab one of the purple and yellow skis and attempt to smash it down onto his head, with every intention of bashing his mechanic skull in.

"Why you little-!" I hiss angrily and chase after him, leaving a perplexed Tifa behind to fix a rack of skis Cait had 'unconsciously' knocked over as he had passed it. Elena continues to hiss at the Shop Assistant and Reno; especially when the girl leant even closer to Reno very suggestively.

"You're so screwed Cait Sith!" I shriek angrily, still waving the skis over my head like some sort of a maniac gone loose. He continues to laugh very loudly as I follow, he's heading towards the general direction of…

"Ohshit!" I shriek and immediately attempt to slow myself down as I realize who I was about to crash into. You stupid Cat! I shriek mentally as I crash into Reno and the Shop Assistant. And we all go down. I can distinctly hear Elena and Cait's maniacal giggling, both sounding as though they've just taken the best revenge they'd ever dreamed of. But what do I have to do with Reno and that stupid Skank?

"Oh my god!" The Shop Assistant –Bryony it says on her tag- shrieks angrily at me, she's blinking rapidly, a line of black floating somewhere in her disgustingly blue eyes. Obviously a fake eyelash had fallen in during the collision. Her skirt had 'somehow' ridden much higher since we entered the store, and her hair was a picture of disarray. Reno, on the other hand. Was just sitting on the ground with a dazed expression looking at us both with a look of surprise. I giggle to myself and sit up, my boots carelessly kicking aside a large snow board as I stand up with a relaxed grin. I carefully note that Cait Sith and Elena are grinning at each other. So that's why Cait did that I figured and smiled to myself. Well, if that was the case, then I suppose being under the Shop Assistant's glare was worth it.

"Look at me, you little bitch!" Bryony screams at me angrily. Her heavily manicured fingers struggling to push back her straggly hair. Wait a second I think and continue to take in her general appearance, Ahahaha. I chipped her nail! My grin just continues to grow broader.

"Sorry what was that?" I inquire pleasantly looking up at her as Reno ignorantly stands up and dusts himself off before standing next to me. His expression merely one of now idle disinterest. But I think that's just a ploy since I can so tell he's eyeing her chest. Typical Guy.

"Look at me! You broke a nail!" She continues shrieking at me, waving a hand in front of my face, her make-up-ed face screwing up into a massive wreck of mismatched colours. I roll my eyes in answer which only causes her to keep screeching at me in her unearthly manner.

"Your point?"

"You. Broke. My. Nail!"

"So?"

"YOU BLOODY BROKE MY NAIL YOU BITCH!" She shrieks louder than ever. Murderous rage evident in her eyes as she makes a move to lunge towards me. Alright then… definitely a nut case I concluded and sighed as I stepped away from her. Try not to get too physical in public Yuffs… I told myself as a mantra and continued to eye the crazed girl with distrust.

"Yeah well. I'm sorry I guess" I answer slightly annoyed as she continues to rant at me in her unnatural way.

"And my hair!" She screeches and continues to walk towards me. Reno, in the meantime is getting pulled at by the ear towards a little corner in the store by a very angry Elena, Cait is standing amused next to Vincent and Tifa. Wait a sec- I pause suddenly, since when did she move?

"And my shirt!" Bryony howls deafeningly with a whiny tone laced through her too annoying voice. But that's what got me mad.

"Hey. You listen here. It was an accident. And how is it my fault that your shirt that's obviously Two Sizes Too Small ripped? Seriously. Just because you're so fat-"

She snapped.

The air filled with a lovely display of the most colourful language capable of staying in such a pathetic bimbo's head exuding this way and that. Most of the time not making any evident sense. She lunged at me, hands outstretched aiming for my wrists, her face twisted in a very ugly way. Quickly, her strong fingers grabbed at my wrists, What a typically done girl… obviously she ain't no warrior princess. Still sticking to my mantra, I used what last hope I had left and began to yell at her. I knew that there was a slight possibility that she wouldn't listen. But hey. I haven't flaunted my position in ages.

"Let go of me. Now. Do you know who the hell I am?" I yell angrily as she proceeds to somehow herd me into a wall. Definitely a non-thinker. "I'm Yuffie Kisaragi. The Princess of Wutai. The Great Materia Thief. And you on the other hand, are nothing but a mere peasant compared to me! So let me go!"

She ignored me. Instead, she released one of my wrists and attempted –badly-to pull her hand into a fist –she got it wrong. You're not meant to tuck your thumb in- and thrust it towards my head. Casually and instinctively, I slid my head away. This only extracted even more lovely words to spill from her now hoarse throat. I'd fight back. But she's not worth the effort. I look around, storm-coloured eyes landing on the area where Reno and Laney are still somewhat whisper-yelling at each other and then towards the general direction of Cait, Vincent and Tifa. They know I can handle a pathetic girl like Bryony. I mean, for Leviathan's sake. I'd taken on much stronger opponents. And I'd even managed to fight Shake and Staniv to a standstill –I would have beaten them if they didn't call for a time out though!-. Bryony, on the other hand, didn't even know how to throw a basic punch properly.

"Why don't you fight me you little bitch?" Bryony shrieks angrily and that's when I see someone approach. It was a large man dressed in a loose business suit and a reindeer printed tie. An expression of matching anger settling on his bristly face.

"Bryony Nicola Smith I demand that you stop this nonsense right now!" He shouts furiously and pulls Bryony off me. Thank Leviathan! I can breathe! She really shouldn't use so much deodorant. It smells so damn horrible. Bryony glares at me and quickly changes her expression to a sulky one and pouts disgustingly falsely at the man. It doesn't work.

"What on Earth were you just doing just then Bryony?" He yells at her. She winces as I quickly sidestep my way towards Cait and the rest of my 'shopping party' and on my way I poke my tongue at her and make a mocking face. Reno coughs suggestively from behind the man –he stopped conversing with Elena since the man came in-. The man turns around, his hazel-green eyes scanning out group and then his angry expression immediately transforms into one of false cheer.

"Hello there. Sorry for that. Bryony will be dealt with shortly," Said girl whimpered, "In the mean time, how might I help you?"

I walk through a massive jungle of disarrayed skis, eyes hunting for 'my' pair of purple and yellow skis. Yes. I would get them.

"Yuffie" Vincent's voice cuts out melancholically and I turn to see his gauntlet delicately holding the pair of skis. I grin as thanks and bound back over towards them, pointing eagerly at the skis. Clearly indicating I wanted them. Taking them out of Vincent's 'hand', I looked at the man and smiled.

"I'll get these, thanks"

Elena and Tifa both chime after me as they hold up their respective pairs of not-too-glamorous skis and we pay all together. Well. Actually Tifa paid for all of them, but we won't go there. As we head towards the cashier, Vincent, Reno and Cait follow us, and as Reno passed a snivelling wreck that was, or is, called 'Bryony' raised a feeble hand towards Reno. Held in between two fingers, was a small slip of paper, in flowery writing was a long set of numbers and a name 'Bryony'. Looking curiously down at her, Reno watched her raise her mess of a head as she winked sleazily at him and used her other hand in a 'phone' gesture as if to say, 'Call me'.

He looked at Elena –Gasp!- and shook his head disgustedly. It was clear he didn't want anything to do with Bryony. Dejected, the pathetic excuse of a girl broke down into tears. On normal circumstances I would have even been sympathetic. But she deserved what she got. Then, Reno walked towards us at the counter, a familiar mischievous and flirtatious grin played out on his devious features as he slinks an arm around Elena's –gasp two!- waist and gently presses his lips –gasp three!- to the side of her neck which immediately causes the blonde to go a light tint of red.

"Ohyeah. Go Laney! Go Ren-Ren!" Cait yells mockingly and scampers towards them, nudging them as Elena continues to blush bright red. Vincent merely looks on with a pained look on his face. Now what? I think to myself and then wave the thought away. None of your business Yuff.

"Well. Time to get going then" Tifa then says softly and holds onto her bag with her black and white skis, looking apologetically at the Store Keeper, she once again herds us away. Reno's hand is clasped possessively around Elena's and she has a smile spreading across her face. I wonder what Elena told Reno exactly. Hmm… I'll ask her later. But hey, at least they're somewhat together now I think to myself and decide that that's one plan succeeded. And now, for the biggest plan yet.

A/N: Under the newest revival of fandom, Acrimony is now going through and editing the story. She apologises for any inconveniences. The editing will not severely change much of the story line, but the writing will be brought 'up-to-par' with Acrimony's current writing prowess.Also, Acrimony will be removing all unnecessary review replies; but she does thank all reviewers for the lovely feedback that has kept this story's heart beating strong.

--Acrimony, 10th of August, 2007