Oy, sorry for the long delay, guys! Had one of those awful, brain-draining weeks at work, but I hope this chapter will make up for the wait a little. And, of course, I would be remiss if I didn't say a big thank you for the wonderful reviews last chapter. I was beaming all week!
Another language warning for this chapter – yeah, Rodney's swearing again. The brief mentions of John's background are not canon, so until we get some actual personal information on the lovely man, I'm giving myself free rein to make up that kind of stuff at will. Please forgive any medical inaccuracies - I do try to research as much as possible, but of course, there's only so much you can learn from the net. Also, my apologies to anyone who lives in Drumheller, Alberta, Canada, although you may even agree with me on the weather… And now... on with the story:
"Well, the planet is just as primitive as Tosia says it is," Rodney said to Elizabeth with a shrug.
Nodding, Elizabeth placed her folded hands on the meeting room table. "Did you see any of the villagers?"
"The place was so buried under snow that it was hard to make out much of anything," he answered, looking to the others for confirmation. Teyla nodded and Ronon slouched further in his chair, which Rodney had come to recognize as a sign of affirmation.
The team hadn't been back long from their reconnaissance trip to the planet with Major Lorne taking Sheppard's place at the jumper's helm. As they'd approached the area of the planet's designation, all they could see was empty space, and the jumper's sensors couldn't detect a thing. Rodney's unconscious skepticism had naturally pitched up a couple of notches at that. Even still, they cautiously neared what he'd started half-jokingly calling the 'invisible planet,' and entered what he and Tosia had mapped out as the planet's outer atmosphere. The space around the jumper had crackled and sparked with sudden flashes of light and energy. Even with its inertial dampeners, the ship had rocked with turbulence. Lorne had gritted his teeth, fighting with the controls, and Rodney found himself wishing for Sheppard's calm assurance behind the helm. All they could see around them was flashing blue-tinged light, like an electrical storm, and Rodney had taken moment to brace himself for suddenly being vaporized in a burst of pissed-off Ascended energy. And in the next moment, they were clear.
As he and Tosia had both hoped and anticipated, the Ascendeds hadn't had too many concerns with protecting the planet from Ancient technology.
Lorne had cloaked the ship as they flew down and down through swirling snow and gusting winds. By that point, Rodney and Sheppard would have started their usual running commentary on their first impressions of the planet. Sheppard would probably have said that the place reminded him of the Antarctica in the summer, but Rodney found the landscape to be surprisingly similar to the Drumheller Badlands in the dead of December. He'd only been there once, which was one time too many in his own opinion –smitten enough with a girlfriend back in his early college days to be talked into driving all the way from Ontario to Alberta to spend Christmas at her parents' place. Funny, as he'd thought of that, he couldn't even remember the girl's name or why they'd broken up. But the ragged cliffs and hillsides with patches of scrubby trees and skeletal bushes looked very much the same. When he'd told the others all this, he'd been met with blank, perplexed stares and again, Rodney had found himself missing his friend with an intensity that felt suspiciously like grief.
As they'd flown nearer to a patch of habitation, there was little change in the landscape – more random sections of trees and bushes, another short range of cliffs and hills, which was likely where Tosia had first found Sheppard. It didn't take long to spot the village with its snow-dappled, gray rooftops that were only barely visible amidst the mounds of snowdrifts. Even though it had been mid-day, they didn't notice any people out and about, most of them probably hunkered down in their meager homes, trying to stay warm.
Lorne had pulled up after that – deciding that they had seen all they needed to see. The trip out of the atmosphere was just as bumpy, but otherwise uneventful and they were back on Atlantis in less than two hours.
"Are the weather conditions favorable enough to make a return trip to the planet with Tosia and the supplies within the next few days?" Elizabeth asked. "I spoke with Carson a little while ago, and he said that Tosia's still weak, but should be well enough to travel by then."
"Yes, yes, we'll be fine," Rodney said, waving a hand. "The supplies are only going to tide those people over, though. We're talking seriously primitive, Elizabeth."
"Well, the Athosians are more than willing to share the mainland with them. There's plenty of room should they decide to relocate," Elizabeth said, looking at Teyla as though for additional confirmation.
"My people will welcome them," Teyla agreed with a smile, and it was true, Rodney thought. The Athosians were always eager to meet anyone new, though it seemed likely, from what Tosia had told him, that her people might not be quite so amenable.
"These people been isolated for so long that they'll likely be wary of outsiders," Elizabeth said, echoing Rodney's thoughts. "We may have to convince them that relocating is in their own best interests."
"Yeah, well... let's leave that convincing in Tosia's very capable Ancienty hands," Rodney said, wincing at the thought of trying to convince 200 something paranoid, cloistered villagers to get in a scary looking space ship and travel to another planet. "Personally, I'm not very big on meet and greets."
"I'm sure you'll do just fine," Elizabeth said, smirking at him. She stood and pushed back her chair, signifying that their meeting was over. "We'll get a jumper set with food and supplies for the day after tomorrow. In the meantime, Rodney, why don't you go tell Tosia the good news? She's been waiting quite anxiously."
Rodney looked at her, surprised. He'd figured that Elizabeth would want to be the one to tell the old woman, but at the same time, he for once didn't feel the need to protest the enforced public relations. Besides, he knew that Tosia would only track him down if he didn't report back to her as soon as possible anyhow. Oddly enough, he was even looking forward to telling her of their success, something positive for once.
A short time later, he found Tosia asleep beside Sheppard's bed in the infirmary, her gnarled fingers loosely clasped around his lax hand. She'd wrapped herself in a blanket and sat huddled in a chair, looking very small and startlingly fragile. She stirred but didn't wake when Rodney stepped closer to her. He was about to rouse her but then he glanced at John, and all at once, his attention became fixated on his friend. The side rails on John's slanted bed were raised, and John had slumped heavily against the far rail, his head tipped so far to one side that his ear was nearly resting on the cold metal.
Rodney darted to John's side and gently slipping his hand between John's head and the rail, he began to carefully shift the other man to a more comfortable position. As he raised John's head, a trickle of saliva ran from the corner of his parted lips and dripped down his chin. John made a soft, protesting sound, his eyes slid half-open, and his free hand clumsily batted at Rodney's chest. With suddenly shaking hands, Rodney eased John back onto the pillows. He caught a thin sliver of glazed and unfocused hazel irises before John's eyes rolled back and slowly drifted shut again.
Anger surged within Rodney so swiftly and so unexpectedly it left him breathless. He tore a thick wad of tissues from the box on the table beside the bed and mopped the drool from John's mouth and chin. He threw the wad on the floor, but that wasn't nearly satisfying enough for the fury simmering within him, and so he spun and swiped the box and stack of magazines from the side table onto the floor.
"Rodney?" Tosia quickly sat up, watching him with wide, concerned eyes.
"This is bullshit," he said through gritted teeth and without looking at her. Where the hell is Beckett?" Before Tosia could answer, Rodney strode to the curtain, shoving it back and shouted the man's name so loud that his voice cracked in between syllables.
"What in God's name is it?" Carson huffed, breathless, and appearing so suddenly that Rodney would have been startled had he not been ready to throttle the man.
"I said give him something to calm him down," Rodney fumed, pointing at John, "not turn him into a fucking zombie!"
Carson frowned, then glanced at John who lay so still as to be comatose, his features slack, skin pale. The doctor sighed and nodded in understanding. "I know it's a little disturbing to see him like this, but—"
"Drooling into your lap is more than a little disturbing!" Rodney broke in. "I mean... Jesus, Carson!
"Rodney... take it easy a moment..." Carson raised a placating hand. "I had to give him a strong dose of sedative to settle him down. He's become extremely agitated and combative, and I was afraid he was going to injure himself. Right now, the only thing I can do for him is to keep him quiet and hopefully, give him the chance to heal."
"Quiet? Is that what you call this?" Rodney snarled. "He looks like you gave him a goddamned lobotomy!"
Carson looked at Rodney for a moment, as if carefully considering his words. He took a breath and then said softly, "Look, Rodney, you need to understand that John suffered only minimal brain damage. Even with the initial concussion, there was very little physical injury," Carson said. The doctor was so calm and so reasonable in the face of Rodney's anger that it only infuriated him even more, but he forced himself to listen.
"I can only conclude that John's symptoms and erratic behavior are stemming from severe psychological trauma and that he is extremely mentally ill at this point," Carson explained, his voice low, sympathetic. "Medicating him is the only way to try to balance out his brain chemistry. Until, or if, he comes out of the catatonia, there is little else I can do for him right now."
"Wh-whoa... wait a minute... if he comes out of it?" Rodney questioned, waving his hands in shocked disbelief. "It's only been a week! Don't you think it's a little early to lock him up and throw away the key?"
"He's been here a week, but he has been ill for over a month now, Rodney," Carson reminded him. "We're not dealing with any ordinary trauma here." He paused to look at each of them, but Tosia's attention wasn't on either of them. Instead, she was watching the slow, but steady rise and fall of John's chest, her fingers still twined in his, her thumb unconsciously rubbing the back of his hand.
"We have no way of knowing what exactly that device did to him," Carson continued, looking back to Rodney, "and we have to consider the possibility that John may never recover from this. It is possible that it was simply too much for him to take. The human brain has a way of protectin' itself, and when there's too much overload, it simply shuts down, which is exactly what John's mind has done. As I said, unfortunately, all that I can do for him is treat the symptoms."
"So in other words, you have absolutely no idea what you're doing," Rodney said, nodding and tightly pinching his lips. Startled, Tosia looked up at that and gave him a sharp, but sympathetic look. Rodney knew he was overreacting, but he couldn't seem to stop himself.
'They won't stop... even here, they won't stop...' John's frantic pleading echoed in Rodney's mind. He remembered the terrible desperation in his friend's eyes as he'd stared at him, as though he'd hoped that Rodney could somehow find a way to make them stop. Whoever or whatever the hell they were.
"Elizabeth and I have already discussed this and we weren't going to say anythin' just yet, but I think you have a right to know..." Carson said, interrupting Rodney's thoughts. The doctor looked suddenly exhausted, his features downcast. "The Daedelus is arrivin' ten days from now... and if John doesn't show any improvement in that time, we've decided to send him back to Earth where there are facilities that specialize in treating patients with this level of trauma—"
"No. No fucking way," Rodney interrupted, shaking his head. He didn't think it was possible, but his temper pitched up another notch. "I can't believe you're even suggesting that."
"Rodney, I don't like this any more than you do, but surely you understand that there may not be a choice in the matter—"
"And you may not understand something, Carson," Rodney continued, relentless, his voice trembling with fury, "but Sheppard doesn't have anyone on Earth who gives a flying shit about him!"
"John's father is still alive last I heard," Carson said carefully, stunned by the force of Rodney's words.
"And who he hasn't spoken to in fifteen years!"
Carson's eyes widened, and he glanced at John who hadn't stirred once during their entire exchange. "How do ye know that?"
"It's amazing what enough Athosian wine, and a who had the worst childhood drinking contest will bring up," Rodney snapped. "Sheppard won, by the way. And do you know what will happen to him back there? He'll wind up in some goddamned maximum-security military based looney bin, drugged to the gills—"
Tosia was suddenly by his side, pressing close to him. She took firm hold of his arm, momentarily surprising him into silence. Looking to Carson, she waited until the doctor met her gaze before speaking. "John has shown improvement, Dr. Beckett. He is much better and much more aware than when I first found him. As you said, he just needs time to heal. He is very stubborn, and he is very determined, I have noticed," she said firmly. "I would not give up on him so soon."
"Thank you!" Rodney nearly shouted, waving an arm over her head. "Finally a voice of reason!"
Carson sighed, and tore a hand through his gelled hair, making the top stick up even further and took a moment to collect his thoughts. "All right… let's all just settle down a moment and not get too far ahead of ourselves," he said quietly. "Let us see how he progresses over the next little while and we'll go from there."
"Right. Fine," Rodney said, nodding and willing himself to calm down. He turned to look at John as one foot kicked spasmodically at the covers and then stilled.
"I am sorry, Rodney," Carson said quietly behind him. "I promise you, lad, I am doin' everything I can for him. If there was some other way..." The doctor's voice helplessly trailed off, and all at once, crushing silence surrounded them.
Rodney took a deep breath then nodded again, immediately realizing the truth and the honesty behind the other man's words. He knew Carson would work day and night if it would make even an iota of difference to Sheppard. And the toughest reality to swallow was that there really was nothing to do but wait, and waiting had always been the worst kind of hell for Rodney, no matter what the circumstance. He tightly folded his arms around his chest and listened to Carson's footsteps moving away, leaving them alone.
Then there was a small hand on his tightly clenched fist. Tosia squeezed his fingers once then let go. "I wish there was something I could do... Some way to make things right again..." she almost whispered.
Rodney snorted with humorless laughter. "Can you somehow reach enlightenment and ascend again… just long enough to snap your fingers and turn Sheppard back to his normal, annoying self? Maybe get rid of the Wraith while you're at it?"
Tosia chuckled and shuffled back to her chair. She picked up her blanket and pulled it over her shoulders before sitting back down. "Even if the others would allow it, I am afraid that I am far too cynical and bitter to ever reach such a heightened state again."
Rodney dropped his head, shrugged, and then perched on the end of Sheppard's bed, facing her. "It was worth a try, anyhow."
"There are many things I wish I would have done back then... as an Ascended," Tosia said, nodding, almost as though to herself. "Had I known the extent of the punishment for disobedience, destroying the Wraith would have been one of those things. What a glorious final act of rebellion that would have been, hmm?" She smiled at him and in that moment, Rodney caught a glimmer of the effortless beauty she'd once possessed.
"Going out with one hell of a bang," he agreed, grinning crookedly. "So... something tells that ascension isn't really all that it's cracked up to be. A little restrictive, perhaps?"
"It was not what I expected, but at the same time, if I were able to do it all again, I would," Tosia said, her gaze straying to John, as though she found it difficult to make such an admission.
"Well, there is the whole immortality aspect to consider," Rodney amended. "I just have a problem with giving up little things like..." he paused and waggled his fingers in front of his face, "...matter."
"Being willing to surrender your physical form is one of the most difficult obstacles enlightened ones have to overcome," Tosia said, nodding. "Deeming yourself worthy is another." She paused and looked straight at Rodney, her gaze piercing. "You were somewhat hard on the doctor, but I am glad of it, all the same, for John's sake. Have you come to forgive yourself, Rodney? For what happened to him?"
Instead of his usual irritation with probing questions like that, Rodney instead pondered it. He looked at John who was breathing deeply, peacefully almost. His features were relaxed, the lines of tension around his eyes smoothed out. Rodney looked back at Tosia and met her appraising stare full on.
"No... I haven't... not really," he admitted. "I sometimes get so... wrapped up in my work that I... I sometimes forget..." He trailed off, unsure what he had been about to say. He looked down at his clasped hands. "But he's my friend... and... and friends don't turn their backs on one another."
Tosia nodded in understanding.
"So... anyway," Rodney said, forcing a ray of brightness in his voice. "What I actually came here to tell you, before I got so horribly distracted, is that the mission to your planet was a phenomenal success. My estimations were correct in that the Ascendeds aren't worried about Ancient technology whatsoever, and we slipped right on through that shield of theirs."
That is very good news indeed," Tosia said with a relieved smile.
"Yes," Rodney said in full agreement. "Elizabeth has a return, meet, greet and feed mission planned for the day after tomorrow. So in two days, you get to go home."
"Home..." Tosia repeated, her eyes becoming overly bright with what Rodney suspected were threatening tears. She gazed up at the ceiling a moment, then at the surrounding walls, as though memorizing the architecture. Her gaze stopped on John's still form, but she seemed far away, in another place or time.
"Tosia?" Rodney called to her, concerned. "You all right? I mean, you don't have to stay there, or relocate to the mainland. You're more than welcome to live here, in the city. Your knowledge is... it's absolutely indispensable."
It took another moment, but she looked up at him and then slowly shook her head. "I am sorry, Rodney... I am fine – old fools' minds tend to wander. Thank you for your offer, but I just realized something... I had never truly thought of that place as home. Even after so many years. I'd always thought of Atlantis as my true home. But that is not true... Not anymore."
Rodney didn't know what to say to that and so he said nothing.
"What shall I tell them?" Tosia suddenly said as another realization struck her. "How can I make them understand? The others banished along with me... we sheltered them from realizing what they lacked, and in doing so, we made them fearful, too frightened to look beyond the ends of their own noses. They have no idea who I truly am. Even my own family… I... I suspect it will be too much for them."
"So introduce them slowly. Tell them only what they need to know," Rodney said with a shrug. "You and Sheppard took shelter in the ruins. You found a transporter. It brought you here. We agreed to help you. They don't need to know any more than that."
Tosia pondered that, troubled. "I do not wish to deceive them, Rodney."
"You'll be protecting them, like you've always done. That's not deception, and even if it is, then it's no worse than what you've already done to them, right?" Rodney said, pausing and anticipating her reaction, but she only looked at him, waiting for him to continue. "Okay, you're not the same person you were back when you lived in this city," he added, "or when you were an Ascended being, are you?"
"No, I am not," Tosia agreed. "Those were other lifetimes."
"You called your de-ascension a rebirth, which it was, in a way," Rodney said, matter of factly. "Let them keep seeing you as that same person they've known for 46 years, because that's who you are now, and that's all that matters."
She looked at him surprised, recognizing the simple truth to his words. Her people's blinders would have to be raised, but there was no need to reveal to them the universe all at once. There was no need to blind them in order to make them see. In due time, as they had always been meant to, they would begin to look around them. They would learn to dream and to hope and to move forward.
Tosia smiled and finally nodded at him. "Perhaps you are as intelligent as you have been boasting, after all, Rodney."
Rodney scowled at her, thinking she had meant the words caustically, but then he saw the gratitude and appeasement in her eyes. She sat up straight, her posture regal, and as though a huge weight had been lifted from her shoulders.
"Yeah, well... tell me something I don't know," he said, shrugging almost modestly and hiding a grin.
---tbc---