Fourth Gift - Love

Tyki blinked, wondering if he just imagined what he heard - but Allen's nervous twitches proved it very much happened. There were some dishes that had wine in them but the alcohol in those broke apart in the cooking process, so it wasn't tipsiness talking from the boy. Which meant he was really at his right mind and meant that tempting invitation.

"I… killed the mood didn't I?" Allen asked awkwardly.

Tyki licked his lips. "No, actually that was actually unexpectedly smooth and hot coming from you when you're this much on the edge," Tyki admitted honestly. "But I don't want you to push yourself and jump into such things prematurely. Your life is a mess now so naturally you seek comfort, but I don't want you to think that's the primary way you should do it."

The cigarette between Allen's fingers finally died out. He didn't meet Tyki's amber eyes as he talked. "I don't want to think, Tyki," Allen said, voice sotto. "These past months, I have done nothing but overthink. I can't rest knowing I'm being hunted." The stigmata on Tyki's palm ached as his nails dug into his flesh. The pain was barely noticeable compared to the suffocating hands of guilt crawling up his torso, closing around his neck like a noose. "I can't rest peacefully when I know I might not wake up again."

Tyki's lips pressed in a thin line as he himself glanced away, nodding almost robotically. He got it. He got it. The terror he was experiencing was bestowed upon the boy under the Earl's will. It was something that could never be undone or atoned for. There was so much he wanted to say… There was no way to express that overwhelming desire to be with him, to tell him how much he wanted to help him, to save him from the clutches of both Neah and the Crowned Clown and the war; how much he meant to him… But as things were, they would be nothing but kiss to the dead. Just pretty lies that would hurt him more. Even if they weren't just empty lies, all of them would be hypocritical. The Boy didn't need one more person to lead him on with false promises.

A shy hand took hold of the hem of his both robe's sleeve, tugging it lightly. "I'm sorry for bringing that up. Please forget about it."

Tyki shook his head, damp curly locks flying. He could hardly believe it that even now the boy cared about his feelings instead of his own livelihood; but then again, this was Allen. "You have nothing to apologize for, boy, you did nothing wrong. I'm the one who hurt you." Who almost killed you.

"I hurt you too," the younger countered, sounding absolutely dejected and regretful. Tyki gazed back at him, eyebrows knitting in concern seeing tears glisten in Allen's eyes as he kept his gaze on the ceiling, fighting his tears back. "I tried to save you… but instead all I did was awaken that."

Joyd within sneered, pleased that they could stir up the Boy so much. Stay out of this, Tyki growled at them, loathing the mocking snicker he got in reply.

"It hurt you," Allen continued, silver eyes tremble with the excess of emotions, the feeling of helplessness. "You were screaming in agony when I slashed you. I raised my sword at it, even though I knew that would hurt you too. It's my fault that it hurt you."

Tyki ran a hand through his wild hair, sighing heavily. His eyes were fixated on Allen's left hand that gripped his clothe. He wondered if the pulsing light in the back of the boy's hand was looking at him.

"If I was a normal human that would have never happened," he pointed out. He won't let the Boy carry the guilt for this. "I was hurt by your Innocence because I have Dark Matter flowing within me. Because…" Momentarily he hesitated. If he brought that up then their nice little reunion would really be ruined. But he had to. He had to be honest or the boy would be unable to move on. "Because I follow the Earl," he finally said out loud.

The more the silence dragged on between them, the heavier it got. Sweat was running down on Tyki's skin, watching for Allen's reaction when that person became subject of their conversation. He clenched his hands tightly, as if that would keep them from sweating so much. Allen didn't openly show any disdain, but Tyki could see it; his eyes were seething with cold fury and hatred he never saw before.

He pulled his bathrobe back a bit to expose the raw pink flesh of his enormous jagged scar that mirrored Tyki's. "The guy in me doesn't and yet I have this. So clearly dedication isn't the quota."

Tyki's eyes were lined with sorrow when they took in the sight of that injury. His own wasn't small by any means either, but compared to Allen's young, teenage body that has even yet to reach its full size, it was gigantic; it disfigured almost half of his body.

That he himself got that nasty scar, he didn't question; he deserved it for killing all those people. He didn't even blame Allen for the ache that would haunt him with cyclically differing intensity. He honestly got what he deserved.

But Allen? Is this what he really deserved for just trying to keep everyone safe? To be branded as a monster? To writhe in pain in those cold, lonely nights?

"Hey Tyki," the soft voice called, gaining his attention instantly. He looked at silver irises questioningly. "Are you… following the Earl out of your own free will?"

Uh oh. They were heading towards very dangerous territories. He really didn't want to mix business and pleasure and especially not such dirty business."Why would you ask that?" He questioned in a tone that sounded too calm.

"You know, Exorcist most times don't have the choice. They either do their job or die." Allen paused as the memories of the corpse of Maria, an Exorcist who wouldn't escape her job even in death, Hevlaska who endured a century in the dark basement serving the Order, of Lenalee's testimony of her abduction, of Suman joining the Order to treat his daughter and get executed for running away, of Kanda going through all those experiments, of Marie's bleeding form on the operation table to be made into a Second… of him being subject of abuse for something he couldn't help. "I wondered… how much room do you have to decide your future as a Noah."

Tyki could only blink for a few moments when a melancholic laugh bubbled up from him. Even now, the Boy only thought of his well-being. In a way it made him happy that he was cared for despite being enemies, but in another it made his soul ache that Allen saw him as deserving of forgiveness and salvation but not his own self. "Not that much, I suppose… But then again, complete freedom is impossible, you will always be slave to something. But you know… even if I was a normal human, I would probably still follow through this path."

Allen sorrowful, pleading voice was akin to another stab of that accursed White Demon dwelling within him. "But why? You know that by doing so your friends will die too. And I can tell that that is the last thing you want." Tyki now finally looked into Allen's eyes that were a lot more jaded than they used to be, but he could tell: he hasn't given up yet. Not against Neah, not on Tyki. If only he let Tyki go, he wouldn't have to suffer so much. But then again, that wouldn't be like him at all.

"That's why you didn't fight back when I first slashed and allowed me to stab you without any resistance, right?"

For moments Tyki could only stare breathless, captivated by that gaze that after all the pain he inflicted still viewed him as human; that saw those carefully hidden, deeply buried impossible emotions he wanted to abandon but couldn't - he could not allow himself to fall for it. It would be unfair to Allen.

His head lolled forward, black curls creating a curtain for the emotions he failed to mask. The Boy was just too good reading his poker face. "Things aren't that simple, Boy. Even if I cease to be a Noah nothing would change. Another person would awaken as Noah as my replacement and things would go to hell all the same. And if that is to happen, before that time comes, I want to have at least some choice."

He looked up, cracking awry smile to Allen's confused and sorrowful eyes. "Then... why do you choose to serve the Earl?" he asked in a soft voice that knew little of him yet understood too much.

Tyki parted his lips, seemingly with an honest desire to answer but abruptly his face was wiped of any colour or expression. Tyki's amber eyes shot to the pulsing green light at the back of Allen's hand. A fear ignited drop of sweat rolled down on his temple. There was a very good reason why no Exorcist knew of the Truth, it was the one and only thing the Earl and the Heart agreed that they are to be kept in the dark. No matter how much of a valuable asset Allen was to the Heart, even his own Innocence betrayed him to Apocryphos. It was a miracle that he was still allowed to live and Tyki didn't feel like testing boundaries. He couldn't endanger him even more. "I… can't tell you."

He almost winced at the despaired whine Allen stifled back in his throat. "Please. I'm losing everything I love… at the very least let me know why. If I knew, I might be able to change something!"

Tyki closed his eyes, inhaling sharp.

You are so naive. You really have no idea what this is really all about.

It hurt so much to see Allen like this, yearning for the impossible. It would be so much better if he finally gave up and stopped pointlessly hurting himself.

He once again cursed the Innocence.

And if it could be helped, I rather if it stayed that way.

He couldn't outright tell him. But maybe, just maybe he could provide some more hints so that he knew where to look. Hopefully by then the Boy could force those monsters into submission. "It's not that I don't want you to know, I can't."

"Why? Would answering that question put you in danger?" Would the Earl kill him?

Tyki shook his head. "I don't think so, the Earl is certain enough that the scenario cannot be stopped, even if I told you he would still have the overwhelming advantage. He would probably punish me in some way but he already waited very long to have all of us back, waiting for the next Joyd to reincarnate would just be a pain in the ass for him I guess." Not to mention, that despite all this; the carnage they committed, the fate that awaited Tyki by the Earl's hands, the man was the closest he had to a loving parental figure. If he decided to kill Tyki he would probably only do so with a bleeding heart and only if he posed as direct danger to the rest of the Clan and the Scenario.

He could probably tell this, but Allen would absolutely refuse to believe the Earl cared for them. In his eyes, the Earl was just an opportunistic monster that exploited humans' grieves. He just missed too many pieces of this puzzle to figure out what was going on and who the Earl, Noah, Akuma and the Innocence really were. Bringing that topic up would just generate unnecessary tension so he swallowed his words back and focused on Allen.

"Then why won't you tell me?" the Boy asked.

Tyki's visage settled into a sad, borderline pitying gaze. Usually he delighted in having the upper hand over Exorcist. But Allen was so much more than that. More than just slave of the Innocence, even if he deluded himself into believing he was one. To him, he was- "If I did… you would become a Fallen one."

Shock flashed in those silver pools, waves of distress resonating through him - a mix of anger, sorrow and despair. The cutting feeling of yet another betrayal. "A Fallen…?"

Tyki chuckled bitterly. "We, Noah, might be monsters but believe me, we're nothing compared to the Innocence. Here it is, latching onto you, sapping your life away… for what? Only to be its obedient little puppet for the Play. It doesn't even have the decency to let you know what's going on even, for what is it even using you for."

Allen's right reached over to his left and squeezed hard enough to turn the knuckles white hearing those words. Even before Apocryphos came up, Crowned Clown had acted independent of his will. It kept evolving with time, showed in his mind how it wished to be used, saved his life multiple occasions: from Eliade, from Thread, from Goushi's lashing out, from the very man sitting beside him. Allen never questioned that, he trusted his Innocence to help him and guide him how to free Akuma. He was even thankful that Crowned Clown moved his body to fight the Level 4 when he was unable to due to exhaustion, broken insides and a concussion.

That is, until it acted against his will. Turning against Tokusa, refusing to let him consider joining the Earl to save the rest; it would rather destroy a friend than lose him. Allen had to threaten with killing himself to have it obey him. It was terrifying how Crowned Clown just used him to hurt another person like that. Tokusa's screams and terrified, tearful expression were forever branded into his memory; another reminder what a monster he was.

And since Apocryphos had synchronised with them Crowned Clown became… capricious to put it mildly. It would still protect him from Akuma with its the large billowing cape wrapping around him like some precious gift, but when Apocryphos came close it feathered up and all but called for it. It wanted Allen, the two of them to accept that thing in their shared body, "for Allen's own good" as Apocryphos had put it. And Allen could tell Crowned Clown wanted it too. Allen felt its fierce protectiveness, that it wanted Allen safe - which is why Allen was left shocked that it would entrust the thing that killed his master to "save him".

Crowned Clown… just what are you keeping from me?

Allen didn't know what to believe about his weapon anymore. "Tyki… are you hinting that I shouldn't trust my Innocence?"

Even with all the doubts plaguing his heart, denying Crowned Clown was a luxury he could not afford, he needed it to suppress Neah. And also, even with the doubts clouding their relationship, he didn't want to give up on his partner.

"Not necessarily," Tyki replied. Allen looked up to meet his amber eyes. "You said you already accepted that White Demon as part of you. But don't rely on it so much, if it senses hesitation in you it will take control."

Tokusa's shrill screrch echoed in his mind again. So that was the reason why Crowned Clown took control and him? Because it occured in Allen's mind that chance of success was incredibly low with Kanda and Alma fighting to the death, Tokusa going out of control, Fou getting hurt again for him, leaving him to clean up the mess; that perhaps letting the Earl take him away that would leave the Order less devastated if he died or got turned into the Fourteenth than losing an entire branch, the Thirds and Kanda who was one of their strongest.

Looking back, that might have been the better choice. That way he could have protected the others at least. "Then… what can I do?"

"I can't tell you the truth about this world… but perhaps that doesn't mean you can't figure it out for yourself. If you can properly rein those powers dwelling within you, then maybe you could at least learn the Truth."

Changing this hellish reality though… I really wonder if that is possible at all.

Allen nodded, brain racking to organize all the information he was given, direct and indirect. "... Thanks Tyki. You couldn't say much but you gave me something to aim for...again. I'm thankful."

Tyki hmped, hand reaching out to caress Allen's cheek. "It would be a gross overexxageration to call this support. All I'm doing is making you walk alone again."

For once, Allen fought down the urge to shy away and allowed himself to lean into the touch, eyelids closing satisfied. "Perhaps this is a path I need to walk alone. You said I caused harm because I didn't know what or who I was and for a long time and refused to learn about myself. But with the roles and powers I have, I can't act around in willful ignorance. I won't be able to solve a problem if I refuse to even acknowledge it. Your words may have been harsh, but they were necessary to make me admit this. Without you I..."

Tyki playfully pinched his cheek. "You're giving me too much credit."

Despite the situation, Allen found himself cracking a smile. "With how dense I can be I doubt I would have realised this on my own. But you helped me to know myself better."

Selfish little hands reached out to grab Tyki's bathrobe and drag him on top of him, the bare skin of their chests touch. Not wanting to squash the boy, Tyki balanced his weight on his forearm. The touch was warm and sweet, he could feel the boy's warm heartbeat against his own, but- "Hey, hey, I just told you you don't have to push yourself." Concerned, he glanced at the Boy's trembling hands.

Allen nervously licked his lips, breath hitching with words as he looked at Tyki's lips,avoiding his eyes. "I… I haven't… been touched or held like this…" There was a tense pause coming from Tyki before realisation settled in. Allen licked his lips, fists clenching."Not since..."

He didn't need to say anymore, that Akuma curse branding him told the story for him. Tyki leaned forward pressing a kiss to the pentacle.

A part of him furiously questioned the love of those so-called 'comrades' Allen risked his life and sacrificed himself to the 14th for; conflicting loyalties he could understand, but not even bothering to look after the Boy's mental health was something he would never forgive them for.

Allen's warm breath tickled his lips. "Just this once, I don't want to think about everything so much bigger than me. So please… hold me for tonight."

Tyki granted his wish with a soft kiss on his awaiting lips.