Author's Note: I have been asked about the possibility of Bella dyeing the gray streak in her hair. Sorry, no can do. They haven't invented a hair dye strong enough to penetrate a vampire's locks-of-steel. That's not my idea; that premise belongs to Stephanie Meyer. That's also why vampires can't get hair cuts. (Bent scissors!)

Other questions or suggestions? The Freesia Juliet forum is now open for business. Check the bottom of my profile for the link or remove the spaces and go to http:// www. fanfiction. net/ f/ 923618

Freesia Juliet

Part Three: Trust

Chapter Twenty: For What I Have Done

(Bella's Point of View)

Time has stopped for me.

I wonder if Carlisle is still alive.

I wonder if Henri knows his mate is dead.

I wonder if Edward knows I am alive.

I wonder if Edward knows the monster I have become.

I wonder who the human was that I killed.

There is an empty ache where my heart once was. I wonder how strong I would have to be to die like Genevieve and Colette did. Or how weak I would have to be to not fight back. I am probably that weak right now.

I want to die.

I want to live.

I never want to bring another being into this hateful world.

I want to see my baby's face.

I wonder if there is anything I can do to make up for the life I have taken. I wonder if this means that I can have a second child, or if this blood sacrifice will simply feed the first child that I have unexpectedly created.

Too bad suicide is so damn hard for vampires. Impossible.

I wonder if love exists in death. Romeo and Juliet were so damn sure, but now I feel as though I am forever separated from Edward. Unworthy. My poor, poor Edward.

I am not Juliet.

I am not that strong.

I cannot be the fantasy girl that everyone expects me to be.

I cannot be just a little sister.

I cannot be just a friend.

I cannot be just a wife.

I am a mother.

And that means responsibility. Big responsibility.

And now I know what I must do.

I will protect my child.

I will get to Edward.

There will be hell to pay.

I rose from the fetal position, carefully tasting the dried blood that crusted the top of my lip. It tasted like rust and salt. Some things never change. "You're a messy feeder," pointed out Caius, who was still watching over me.

"You're a poor excuse for a jailor," I sneered, 'popping' behind him and delivering a stunning roundhouse kick to the back of his skull.

He went flying, crashing against the wall of the cell. "So you've figured out your power."

"One of many," I pointed out. There was a metal chair for him to sit in, in the left front corner of the cell. Perfect. I sent it flying into his chest. He struggled, pinned to the wall by the floating furniture. My telekinesis was coming in handy already.

"Bella!" he gasped.

"I aught to kill you," I snarled, my hands balling up into fists. "But I'll save that for my husband and my brothers. Keys," I intoned, and they flew from his pocket into the palm of my right hand. He looked confused. "Oh, no, I don't need them to escape, my dear Caius. I'll just use them to keep you where you belong. Locked up."

I vanished from the room and took off running in an indiscriminate direction. I don't care where I go; I just need to get far away.

Bella! shouted a voice in my head. I stopped dead in my tracks. Floating in the hallway as a sad apparition was the image of Lady Genevieve.

"What do you want?" I asked the specter, incredulous.

I can help you get to your husband, she promised.

"Why can I still see you?"

I'm a part of your mind now, Bella. Let me help you, she pleaded.

"Okay," I consented, "I'm probably crazy anyway. Lead the way, Princess."

The image of the dead mistress of Alistair Castle transformed into a blinking ball of light. The dark hallways were bathed in this cleansing light, and I followed it resolutely. I wondered if others would be able to see this light.

From the belly of the castle I, or rather, we made our way up the stairs and into the more recognizable parts of the structure. "How long have I been gone?" I asked her, not really expecting an answer.

Thirty-seven hours, she thought-spoke calmly. It's a strange thing to say. You've been hostage for thirty-seven hours. I've been dead for thirty-seven hours.

I grimaced. "Sorry."

Don't be, m'dear. I'm already at peace with the whole thing. Besides, I'm still here spiritually if not temporally.

"What?"

My soul has taken up residence in your mind, even though my body is gone.

"I must not be the most hospitable host," I laughed. Okay, I'm insane.

No you're not, she countered.

You can hear my thoughts? Oh, yeah, duh. I knew that.

She was silent after that, but the light increased and I was not afraid. Funny, I hadn't realized that I was afraid. Fear was such a human emotion that I scarcely believed that I could ever feel it. Today was tomorrow. It was seven a.m. The sun would be up once we got to the surface levels. "I don't know what I'm going to do."

Not totally unexpected, soothed Genevieve, seeing how your life is coasting on the borderline of insanity right now.

"Good point," I said. "On a more serious note, though, what is it like to be… detoxed?"

What?

"You know," I struggled, "to go off of human blood. Jasper always seems to have so much trouble with it… and I've already proven that I have no self control."

It hurts, Bella, she admitted. And it's going to take a lot of time. That's one of the reasons I isolated myself here in Geneva. It took me a few centuries!

Horrified, I whispered, "I don't have a few centuries. I have nine months if I want to raise my child in any aspect of civilization."

You are going to raise your child by yourself? she said, sounding curious.

"Edward and the other Cullens will be there to help me," I defended hotly.

How will you get away from Caius and Aro?

"What do you mean?" I growled, stopping dead in my tracks.

The Volturi will claim your child as the next heir, she explained sadly.

"Not if I have anything to do with it!" I shrieked, smashing my fist into the wall.

Through the hole, I heard a voice shout with disbelief, "Bella?!"

"Edward?" I mumbled back, feeling shockingly hollow when Genevieve vanished from my side.

There was a lot to make up for. For what I had done.