Disclaimer: It's all simple mathematics. JK Everything. Maruaderette Nothing. Also, warning for HBP spoilers, mostly just quotes and a jumbled Author's Note.

"But I don't care either, I don't care!" Said Tonks, seizing the front of Lupin's robes and shaking him, "I've told you a million times…"

I'm not sure when I fell in love with Remus Lupin, nor am I sure why. For some reason he has found a tender spot in my heart and remains there. Merlin, that has to be the cheesiest thing I ever said…thought, technically.

Every since the Order was started again and I joined, I've felt this…attraction to Remus. Due to the fact that my experience in the relationship department went as far as a crush on Charlie Weasley in my third and fourth years at Hogwarts, it took me awhile to discover why that was.

It wasn't until I noticed the way Mum stares Dad with this look in her eyes that made me stick out my tongue in disgust when I was younger, did it hit me harder then a brick. I loved Remus Lupin. It was a strange realization and suddenly, I was clumsier when Remus was around, I was a bit more anxious before Order meetings, and forever trying to catch his eye.

He has the most beautiful eyes I've ever seen. They're this golden brown color that is kind of like honey, but better, much better. They are warm and always friendly, but in a way closed off. I suppose Remus' eyes reflect the man he is. His eyes would sometimes glow, but I'm not sure what caused that and I haven't seen them glow since Sirius died.

Remus was terribly upset when Sirius died, I can understand why; Sirius was that last link to a happier time for Remus. A time when such things as Pettigrew's betrayal and the Potter's deaths seemed impossible. It is cruel, in my opinion, that fate or God or whatever controls how are lives go, took it all from Remus on Halloween. Friends, youth, and innocence. The innocence that we all have until someone we had knew dies and the horror that is death and grieving invades our minds. No longer something we hear or read about, but reality. But, perhaps Remus lost this innocence long before that Halloween; perhaps it was taken on the night he was bitten as a young boy.

Sorry. I'm rambling, you have no interest in my attempt at philosophy, do you? No, I'll just continue with my story.

After Sirius had died and Remus looked miserable, I made up my mind. I will tell Remus I love him and he will love me back and we'll share a passionate, but clichéd, kiss of true love. Later, we would have an elaborate wedding and live happily ever after. The idea of Remus' lycanthropy might affect my perfect plans for life never occurred to me.

One my first attempt, things did not go according to plan, I had thought up an elegant speech and had been practicing it in my mirror the night before. However, when I had plucked up the courage to find Remus, my mind went blank and I blurted out, 'I love you.' His golden eyes widened, then his gaze fell to the floor. He told me, ever so politely, that it would not work and he was incredibly sorry if he had lead me on some how, then he left.

After that, I cried for a good twenty minutes into my pillow before deciding not to give up. So, I continued to pursue Remus Lupin, telling him I loved him over and over again. Molly eventually found out and took my side, trying to set Remus and upon a date. But, Remus is a stubborn thing and would never agree, "I'm too old. Too dangerous. Too poor."

I imagine it must have hurt his pride to admit things, but his words didn't faze me. "Young, safe, and rich people are boring," I'd argue.

No change truly happened until the night Dumbledore died. When the girl, Fleur, told Molly that Bill being bitten by Greyback didn't change her feelings, something snapped. I had grabbed Remus and was shaking him, telling I didn't care either. Again he told me the same things and again I told him I didn't care.

After words, I followed him out of the Hospital Wing and cornered him in an empty corridor. I had once again planned out the eloquent words that would win Remus' heart and again, I had forgotten the words upon facing him. This time, however, I didn't say a word to Remus. Instead, I threw my arms around his neck and kissed him. Hard.

It wasn't the kiss I imagined. It wasn't soft and tender, but hard and forced, my lips pressing against his in a way that even the best romance novelist couldn't make seem loving. Remus did not want this. And I did not care. It amazes me now, the selfishness that had possessed me; to make Remus do something didn't want.

Finally, he pushed me off. I thought Remus would yell and scream. Call me names and say how I could never come near him again. I wanted him to say he loved me. And I wanted to kiss him again, I wanted him to want to kiss me and whisper things he never told anyone to me. He did neither. Remus looked at me, his gaze miserable and said, "Would you sit with me at…at the funeral?"

I agreed. When we walked down the hilly lawns on our way to where the funeral would take place, I did something I hadn't been able to in months. I turned my hair the brightest pink imaginable. I grabbed Remus' hand and he gave me a tired sort of smile. He said we would have talk after the service, I wonder what about.

"This is…not the moment to discuss it," said Lupin, avoiding everybody's eyes as he looked around distractedly. "Dumbledore is dead…"

I wish Nymphadora had fallen in love with someone else. She deserves better, someone her age and who is healthy. She doesn't need to take in an old werewolf who is weary from everything life has thrown at him. Besides, it would never work. I'm too damn old and I don't love her. Nymphadora is like a sister to me, sweet and a tad bit clumsy, but I could never fulfill illusions of pure love and devotion. It's nearly impossible to marry a werewolf and we're forbidden to have children, for fear that lycanthropy is hereditary. And, in a way, it would make me feel unfaithful.

We had made a promise, no matter what, but to have no one but each other. We were sixteen when we promised each other that. I remember it clearly, it was the night before full moon and the stars were bright. I had stuck to my word all my life, even when we had separated. No one slept in my bed other than myself, until we were reunited. Then, he returned to his rightful place.

When Nymphadora first told me how she felt, I was stunned. It had to be some dream, with the familiar-ness that surrounded it all. He had said the exact same thing to me, with the same bluntness, back when I was only fourteen. For a minute, Nymphadora' s face had faded away, her brown hair darkening and eyes turning into a well-known gray.

Sirius. I felt my eyes widen and quickly dropped my gaze, ashamed at myself for turning Nymphadora into her cousin. I mumbled a quick apology and then left. That, I believe, was the beginning. Nymphadora began to pursue me and I would turn her down every time, then Molly became involved. I appreciate how kind she is to me, but that woman has to learn to mind her own business.

It all came crashing down, however, the night Dumbledore died. Bill had been bitten by Fenir Greyback, the same werewolf I have to thank for the bite mark on my side. Fleur, Bill's fiancé, had gotten quite upset at Molly and announced that she didn't care about how he may be affected. This set Nymphadora off.

I was ashamed at myself. There she was telling we how much she loved me and how much she cared, and I was telling her we could never be. I didn't dare to look anyone in the eyes, they were all on her side, instead I let my eyes wander, never resting anywhere for more then a fraction of a second.

Then Hagrid came in and suddenly the attention was off me. I took the opportunity to leave. Nymphadora noticed and had followed me into the halls. When I finally noticed the sound of footsteps behind me, we were both standing in a corridor I didn't remember from my time at Hogwarts. I expected her to say the same things she had said in the Hospital Wing, but she didn't. She did something I was not prepared for.

Nymphadora Tonks kissed me. My mind raced, it was wrong, this kiss. I hated the feeling, like she was taking advantage of me, but I also felt horrible, I had broken my promise to Sirius. I couldn't kiss her. She was his cousin for God's sake! This wasn't right it had to be stopped. I had to push her off. I didn't want this. I never did.

It seemed like years before my body listened to my mind and pushed her away. She was looking at me, her eyes pleading for forgiveness and begging for more at the same time. Silently praying for Sirius to forgive me, I asked Nymphadora to sit with me during the funeral service. Her face lit up when she agreed and for a moment I hated myself for what I was planning to tell her, but quickly shook that feeling away.

As we were walking down to the funeral site, Nymphadora grabbed my hand. I looked at her, she had turned her hair pink, a sign that whatever was affecting her powers had passed. We sat quietly during the service, using each other's presence as a reason not to break down. When it is over, I lead her to a tree that sits on the edge of the lake's edge.

I opened my mouth to explain everything to her, but no words cam out. I tried again, nothing. Nymphadora gave me a curious look and I ran a hand through my gray hair, then an idea hit me. I began to search the tree, circling it carefully, studying the many initials carved into the trunk. "Remus, what are you doing?" She asked, curious amusement visible on her features.

I didn't answer, but continued my search. "Found it," I said, smiling to myself, "Come see."

She obeyed and I pointed to the letters that had been carved into the trunk years ago. R.L. with S.B. written under it, instead of the clichéd heart, a paw print was drawn around it. I looked at Nymphadora and she stared at me, a sad realization in her eyes, "You and Sirius were…together?"

"Since we were fourteen. I'm sorry," I replied, bowing my head.

A small had pushed my chin up and I was suddenly looking into Nympadora's eyes. They were smiling, "Don't be sorry. We can't decide who we fall in love with. I'll get over it and I'm sorry I put you through all of this," She bit her lip for a moment, "May I kiss you? One last time."

I did not answer, but instead, picked up her hand and kissed it. Then I left. I had fulfilled her final request and now my story in finished.

A/N: This is as close as I'll ever get to writing Tonks/Remus. I loved Tonks in OotP, but I can't see how they would work. (Personally I ship Tonks with Charlie.) While I've seen a few well-written T/R fics, I will never understand how JKR even though of them together. (My opinion is she had been a wee bit tipsy.) But my views are probably biased since Sirius/Remus is my OTP. Oh, and if you couldn't tell the first part is Tonks' POV, the second Remus'. The italic-y parts are excperts from HBP page 624, in my opinion (Boy I have a lot of those!) HBP was like a fanfic gone wrong. Horocruxes, Dumbledore's death, Remus with Tonks? What were you thinking JKR? Were you thinking? Oh, look, I was rambling. Anyways, if you review thank you! I'm talking to you jimmy-loves-hermione! You rock my socks!

M.