DISCLAIMER: I am not really a tyrtle, and these are not really my characters. Sorry for the confusion, but please read on anyway! Also, this story moves hopelessly slowly. Go read something else while you wait for an update. Heck, I don't even care if it's mine or not. That's how long it could take.

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Dudley screamed again, louder this time. He simply could not believe his eyes, for right there at the end of the bed sat an orange ball on a stick. It flickered for a second, then revealed itself as a small, flesh coloured creature with bulging green eyes. On it's head was a tea cosy, and it was wearing two odd socks.

"Sorry about that," said the being. "Dobby is having trouble with his computer animators. They is having trouble with his CGI enhancement."

"I know you," breathed Dudley. "You're that house-elf that came after my first year at Smeltings. I read about you in the freak's diary when mummy banned me from the Playstation because it hadn't been released when HP&tPoA came out. Oh, and my weighing roughly the same as a young killer whale probably had something to do with it too."

"Yes, and you is the cruel mean Dudley Dursley, who… Bad Dobby, Bad Dobby!" The elf beat itself against the lampshade. "Sorry, sir," he added when he was done, "Dobby spoke ill of Harry Potter's fat, stupid and ugly cousin… Bad Dobby!" He was at it again, and Dudley (being fat, stupid and ugly) saw no reason to separate the elf and the bedpost.

"Sorry, sir," apologised Dobby again. "But now the serious businesses. Dobby has come to warn you of a terrible danger that will soon come to pass…"

"You mean I can't go back to school 'coz a dirty great snake is going to come out of the pipes and eat everybody?"

"No, Dudley Dursley can't go back to school because You-Know-Who's Death Eaters have destroyed it with several curses that Dobby knows nothing about, so don't ask!"

"And the problem with that is what, exactly?"

"The problem is not the school, Dudley Dursley, the problem is that they are looking for Harry Potter. They will kill him!"

"I repeat, what exactly is the problem with that?"

"Dudley Dursley, you is worse than Draco Malfoy, you is! You is having no respect for your cousin and his friends! Shame on you!"

Dudley sighed. He knew that the pipsqueak CGI animation had him beat. In fact, anything animated usually won him over – I don't need to tell you how many years he spent trying to "be a Pokémon master," and "catch 'em all".

"What do I have to do?"

"You must go and find…" the elf's voice dropped to a harsh whisper, "the hidden staff."

Dudley frowned, his piggy eyes disappearing over rolls of face-fat. "Is it magical, this staff?"

"Not it, they. The Staff is an army of former Hogwarts teachers who are hiding from the Death Eaters. It is your solemn task, if you choose to accept it (which you will!), to find them all and bring them back to defeat He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named once and for all!"

"So how much are you paying me?" asked Dudley, ever the little tyke wanting his moneys worth (just like his father, who you may remember, abandoned him).

Dobby gave him a scornful look, snapped his fingers, and disappeared.

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A/N: Yay! Another chapter on a story I said I would probably never complete! So to all you fans out there who were waiting for this, give a big thanks to InkandPaper, who motivated me to write more with her THREE stunning reviews. Yay! And if you want to read more, just get me motivated with reviews of your own!

Myrtle