Mischief Mage: Did i actually even write a disclaimer on the first page?

Anyway,

Disclaimer: I do not own Gundam wing or any of the characters...which is probably a good thing

CHOP.

CHOP.

CHOP.

CHOP.

…

…

CHOPCHOPCHOPCHOPCHOPCHOPCHOPCHOPCHOPCHOP

Quatre couldn't help but wince as Duo hacked enthusiastically at the watermelon in the corner, the long-haired pilot's contribution to the stag night. After every few chops, he would take an energetic swig from his bottle of beer and would then put it down…beside the empty two.

About five years on since the end of the war and the pilots were having their first stag night. Ever.

It was a unanimous decision that the party would be held at Quatre's house. That of course was a unanimous decision made by everyone but Quatre.

Once Duo had finished dicing his watermelon, he joined the other four pilots on the couches around a low glass coffee table, bringing his brown bottle with him, setting it down with the four other drinks. Quatre had been trained to drink white wine in with a great deal of dignity and with more poise in his hand then Duo had in his entire body. Heero had a bottle of beer identical to Duo's, and he would drink from it whenever he was sure that nobody was looking. That's just the way he was, you NEVER saw Heero eating. Wufei would take a gulp from his small glass of gin every now and again. Meanwhile Trowa had a tankard sized glass filled up with what seemed to be vodka.

Duo grasped Trowa's glass and took a swig of it before spitting it out all over the carpet, gagging.

'It burns us! It burns us!' he gurgled in a tortured voice, clutching his throat, 'TROWA. What the hell was that?'

'Water'

'No wonder. You don't drink?'

'No'

'I couldn't tempt you with one of my specially made cocktails?'

'No'

'Sure?'

'Yes'

'Really?...positive?'

'Yes'

'You sure you're sure?'

'I'm going to go get some watermelon'

Duo gave up and flung himself down onto the couch beside Wufei.

…

Quatre ventured, 'So…what do we do now?'

'A good question Quatre, one that I will happily answer in a moment' Duo replied graciously.

'Wufei' he said turning to the pilot in question, 'you were in charge of entertainment. What happens now?'

Wufei bit his lip, he hadn't been able set up an entertainment. Looking up 'stag nights' on the internet had brought up ads for enough strippers that could inhabit their own colony...in fact it seemed that they did. He had run the idea past Trowa and Quatre but they had been set against the idea through 'diplomatic reasoning' by their sisters.

He finally gave in. 'There is nothing'

Heero groaned, his first and likely last ever stag night for himself and everyone was sitting around as awkwardly as a duck meeting a wolf at 5 minute speed dating.

The four pilots that were drinking took sips to avoid talking while Trowa, gracefully stuffed watermelon in his mouth.

Duo, who could hold his tongue as a rhino could hold a bar of wet soap, began to talk, because he simply had to.

'So…Heero, you're getting married'

Heero nodded.

There was an awkward silence.

Wufei was the first to burst.

'I cannot believe that you said yes.'

'I didn't, I passed out and when I woke up I was hand-cuffed and chained to Relena's couch-'

Duo leant forward eagerly.

'With a ring on my finger. I'm pretty sure that it's knitted into my skin. It hurt a lot when I ripped it off. I had to have it sewn back on because I don't have any spare skin. Relena went out to get us takeaways. I had escaped by the time she got back.'

Duo lay back, disappointed.

'How did you get off the couch' Quatre asked

'I didn't'

Quatre had a brief image of an ornate, patterned sofa running down the highway. He was dragged from this image by the slurping of watermelon. He glanced over at the table in the corner where Trowa was sucking on the fruity pink flesh in a very un-trowa like way.

'Trowa, you'll choke'

'Hahaaaa…Don't worry about me. I can look after myshelf. But that'sh sho nishe of you'

Quatre stared.

'Okay' he said slowly, looking at the other pilots who shrugged looking just as nonplussed, meanwhile, Trowa had returned to his fruit guzzling, having emptied half of the plate.

'Anyway, Heero' Duo said, his mind already reverting back to its previous occupation, 'if you didn't want to marry her, why didn't you just say so. You've threatened to kill her half a dozen times by my counting so it shouldn't be that hard.'

'Yeah and by the way,' Wufei added, 'Don't tell the yaoi girls that you're going to kill them. They see it as a form of endearment. I've tried it. I told them I'd stick a vacuum cleaner down their throats set on reverse, they started giggling madly and writing 'Mrs Chang' all over the rover; Sally took the cost to cover it up from my wages.

Heero looked almost afraid upon being told that his number one technique of keeping people away would now attract them before answering Duo's question.

'I never said that I didn't want to marry her. It's not a bad option for me. I have no prospects, if I pull a gun out in public I get run down by police vans, I get prosecuted when those mobs of fangirls start fighting for 'causing violence'. I talked to the attorney that Relena hired for me. The only way out of that one was to kill myself. Except if the girls then copied me I would've have been charged with manslaughter. My way of life during the war is incompatible with a peaceful society. Besides, Pagan told me that the marriage of a Gundam pilot to 'Queen' Relena would silence much of the disquiet in the world. It's supported by more than half of the countries in the world that actually matter and I might finally get some peace of my own.'

The four other pilots sighed as one after this speech which quickly directed their attention to the fact that Trowa was once again amongst them, a stupid grin painted across his face, dotted with watermelon seeds.

'Trowa? Are you okay?' Quatre asked him tentatively.

'Fine, I'm fine. Hell I'm hungry…I could really go for a banana split right now. Would any one else like one? We could split it…ha…HA…a split banana split….a split split…a banana split squared haha..' Trowa began chatting animatedly at everybody, all of whom were receding into the depths of the couch in an attempt to get away from the brainless monstrosity that loomed up above them.

'Trowa…YOU'RE PISSED…REAL BAD' Duo screamed shielding his eyes with a pillow.

'Isn't there some more watermelon that you could be eating?' Wufei added from behind the couch.

'There'sh none left.' Trowa mumbled sadly, 'Or should I shay that there ishn't any more watermelon…'caushe…left'sh just the opposhite to right and that'sh just plain shilly. Shilly ha…kinda like a shilling! Haha…'

It's been said people can see a bit into a person's true soul when they're drunk. Going on what he had said already, Trowa should probably have been hospitalized at birth and never let out again.

'Oh shit!' Duo groaned, smacking himself hard on the head, ' that's it! The watermelon. He's gotten drunk off the watermelon'

'What?' the others chorused, this included Trowa who seemed to be having the time of his life.

'I thought he knew. It was a vodka watermelon.' Duo replied, putting his forehead in his upturned hands, 'You cut a hole in the melon, stick a funnel in and pour in the vodka. The fruit soaks it up. I don't want to know how much alcohol he's had if he ate all of it.'

Duo snatched up a bottle poured himself a large glass of gin and prepared to throw it all back. You didn't have to be responsible if you were blacked out.

'No food?' a wet voice asked, 'Whoa… I shure am thirshhh….ty. Gimme shome of that.' Trowa snatched the drink away just as the glass had touched Duo's lips.

'No Trowa! That's not-'

Quatre stopped as his friend finished draining the glass. Once done, Trowa smiled contentedly at everyone before folding like a newspaper onto the floor.

'-water' Quatre finished.

Heero who, unnoticed, had steadily been blowing more and more steam out his ears was almost ready to explode and take the house with him. It was his stag night and Duo had gotten Trowa drunk within the first half-hour; now one fifth of the party was unconscious on the ground and in danger of going into an alcohol induced coma.

'Heero'

There was a break in the smoke signals that Heero was letting off through his ears as he looked down to Quatre who was kneeling down beside his fallen comrade, checking his pulse.

'Trowa's okay I think. We've got to get him back to the circus'

Steam stopped rising out his ears as his heart plummeted.

The other conscious pilots had frozen too. The universal cause of death is in fact the lack of oxygen to the brain but there are an infinite number of ways to get this result. One of the most feared over all the Earth was what these four pilots were soon going to put themselves in the way of.

Catherine Bloom.

One tense helicopter ride and a terrifying landing later, the five pilots had arrived beside the circus grounds with minimal damage to the trees in the park next door. Each of the four pilots taking one limb; they were able to tip-toe into the ground and amongst the caravans, the slick, black grass muffling their footsteps.

'His caravan is this way. We're passing security's now. Man, those guys's must be huge! Check out their maces hanging outside the door!'

'But not Catherine's?'

'No'

'Good'

'You know where all the caravans are?' Wufei asked incredulously his unseen eyebrow arching.

Quatre chose to begin panting with the supposed effort of carrying one fourth of a man in order to avoid the question.

'Well I'm glad he knows' Duo put in, ''cause it's darker then a grave pit out he- CLANG

Everyone froze, almost dropping Trowa as Duo rubbed his head with one hand after walking straight into one of the large tin caravans. The vibrations rang out over the ground like a shrieking infant.

They waited for what seemed like an age but was really only two minutes before continuing.

'Now. Don't'. Do. Than. Again.' Heero hissed under his breath sideways at a Duo who was as bashful as his nature would allow him.

At long last they reached Trowa's caravan, they put him into bed hoping that he normally slept in his clothes should Catherine come to wake up the quasi-comatose pilot.

Once outside they began to half sprint, half tip toe back the way that they came, rather like a video of someone sneaking fast-forwarded.

At last they could see the moonlight glinting off the turbine of the helicopter. The pilots' hearts sang, but quickly hit a sour note as Duo, running full tilt, tripped over Wufei's feet, knocking into a thin crate; a crate which, to the pilots' dismay, was filled with pressure activated fireworks, which, upon bursting in all directions in a shower of rainbow sparks, caught the fuse on a loaded canon. The canon gave off with a bang, firing out a large ball of blackened metal straight into a caravan, knocking it over with a sickening creak.

When the ringmaster came out the next morning, rubbing his eyes, all he could find of the culprits were four pairs of foot prints in the grass and the outline of someone who seemed to have been struck around the head with a giraffe feeder.

Mischief Mage: Next chapter: The day of the wedding and the guests and press are swarming, just as Heero had dreaded. Meanwhile, despite having the encouragement and blessings of half the world, things aren't going too great for Relena.