Chapter 18 - To Dwell on Dreams

"It does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live." - Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore, Sorcerer's Stone

"The Order of the Phoenix it is."

Harry sat on the window sill, taking in the chilled December air. It had been some time since she had time to reflect upon what had been going on in her life. Harry had built up a large number of questions to be answered, and looking back only built up more. It was after Sirius's death last summer that Harry had taken up a vow to never let her will flatter. It was so that she had taken in everything that had happened after leaving the Dursley's like a sponge and only thought back upon the events that had taken her life on a stomach-swarming ride. Harry needed to calm her stomach, really. Thinking back, questions surged into Harry's mind that she never could find the answers to.

How had Peter gotten such power?

How had she survived the killing curse, surely, tons of mothers would give their life away for their children, but what was so special about her?

Who really was Hope? She seemed to be hiding too much information.

If Hope and Merlin could really defeat Riddle, why did not they do it?

Who was 'Atomos', he seemed to be more (or less) than he really looked like to be?

Who is Riddle now? Voldemort was never really much of a joyful person, why was the sudden change?

But the most important of all was, Who am I? For Harry, this year was the slowest and the most boring of all of her years. Nothing happened at all. All Harry could have fun with, was playing matchmaker for her mother and father, though that never seemed to happen to what she wanted to be like, her father was just too damn...arrogant. Harry wondered what could change him, and in that case, wondered how in Merlin-Harry winced-hell's name she would be born. Harry spun around as the door to the Astrology tower opened, but relaxed when she saw James Potter walk in alone.

James walked in and looked to see her looking at him, he smiled but it never seemed to reach his now dull eyes. "Hello, Harry."

Harry smiled, "Hi, James, out for a stroll? You do remember that it is after curfew?"

James signed, and walked up to the window sill to stand beside Harry, and she noticed for the first time that she was pretty much as tall as her dad. James stared wordlessly into the Forbidden Forest, "My parents died a couple of hours ago. Their bodies were found, bloodied and torn." He shivered, and seemed to struggle to control himself in front of Harry.

"I'm sorry James. I know how it's like." Harry put a hand on James shoulder.

"DO YOU! DO YOU KNOW HOW IT'S LIKE TO WAKE UP AND JUST...FIND SOMEONE TO TELL YOU THAT THE PEOPLE YOU WOULD NEVER EVER BE ABLE TO LOVE AGAIN, ARE DEAD?" James seemed to break, spinning at Harry, and leaning on the wall.

"James, please..." Harry grew concerned, there wasn't anything else here to throw around except for her, and she didn't really want to end up in the Hospital wing now.

James began to shake, sliding down the wall, arms around his waist, "They didn't want me to come back for the holidays, saying it was too dangerous. I...I never took it seriously, I mean, why would anyone want to kill us? We are just sitting right there in the middle of everything, letting everyone know that the people running around killing everybody, that they can be open targets." James laughed bitterly at that, and Harry became really worried for him as she sat down beside him, "They raped her, blood was everywhere on her. And, they slit open father's wrists and hanged him on the chandelier, they whipped him and poured ice on him, all while he was naked. T-They cut is privates off and shoved it in his mouth. The healers told me that if he did not die from that, then he would have gone insane after all the Cruciatus Curse marks on his brain."

Harry just sat there beside him, letting James wear himself out. I have to tell him. There was no other way of explaining him why she could feel the same as he. "My parents died, murdered, when I was barely one. My mother died to protect me, which is one of the only reasons that I am here now." James sniffed. "I lived with my parent's, mom's, sister. They despised magic, and thought that by belittling me, they would be able to subdue the magic. I was never able to say anything in that house, and I lived there for ten years, doing their chores and working around the house. I never had any friends, my cousin made sure of that." Harry looked at James and back down.

"It all changed when I got my Hogwarts letter. I finally got to know that I was something special, something that I could be proud of being. I was very proud to become a wizard." Seeing the confusion on James face Harry quickly continued before he could ask.

"My first time seeing Hogwarts, I felt like I had finally reached home. Hogwarts had everything a home could offer me, the air of comfort, the knowing that someone, something in Hogwarts was protecting me; and finally I could have friends without Dudley, my cousin, coming and chasing me for the annual 'Harry hunt'. But then things started to worsen, someone was wanting to steal a stone form Hogwarts and come back into the living again. I later found out that this was my parents murderer, Lord Voldemort." James shivered at the name, Harry just smiled, "Once a wise man told me that the fear of the name only increases the fear of the thing itself. Do not fear Voldemort, even he will get what is coming for him, as will all of us."

Harry then continued, "It went like that, him coming back to me, most likely to kill me and any other people on his way. That was until my third year. A suspected murder was on the loose, the man known for betraying my parents. Although he was falsely accused, as me and my friends learned at the end of the year. It was then that I came to know that he was my godfather. I had finally someone to look up to, someone who cared for me like my parents could. Even though he became someone who we knew to be trustworthy, he was not free, and as he was still wanted for his actions, I could not live with him."

Harry looked at James, who was looking down at the floor, took a deep breath and continued on, "In my fourth year, he came back and used my blood and the bones of his father to get a...facial makeover. Because of my blood, he now has the power which is also imbedded in me. That year was the first where I saw someone die right before my eyes. I finally found how vulnerable we were to him, even a seventh year could not last for a minute against him. Things really started to get worse in my fifth year. Riddle was invading my mind to let me see what he was committing, I saw all of his tortures, mad killing and laying out of his plans right before he put them into action. Near the end of my year, I started seeing the visions of my godfather being tortured for not telling Riddle where I kept my secrets. It was obviously false, but I took the bait and left for the Department of Mysteries. It was there that the first major battle was fought, five fifteen year olds versus adult Death Eaters." Here Harry smiled, "It was quite sad that they could not take us out, but it showed our determination. But, my godfather died that day, he fell through the veil, never to come back."

Harry looked at James intently, "His death made me think over the summer. I came up with the fact that even if Sirius died, he would want me to live life to it's fullest and fulfill my destiny, what ever it may be. It's no use to think over the same death, James, just as it is no use crying over spilt milk. Let go of your hold on them, let them live in peace, and live your life the way they would want it to." Harry put a hand on James shoulder and squeezed, "At the least James, walk around with a smile on your face."

Harry got up and walked towards the door, turning back to see the still frame of James sitting on the dark floor. It had been good that Harry was able to talk about the things she would never say to anyone here, it was a relief on top of that that she would be able to converse with her father. Harry also wondered what would happen to James now, would he back away from the arrogant prick-Harry winced, but it was true-and open his mind and think that not everything in the world is black and white.

It was Christmas day at the Evans house, giving Lily Evans a rather important reason to be jumping around the house. Scowling at her older sister, Petunia, who was in turn openly glaring at her. Her parents missed that totally, of course, for both of them, their two daughters were the most prized possessions they could ever have.

Ignoring all around her, Lily dropped down and shredded the wrappings around the Christmas presents, her face brightly lit as a light bulb. It was then that Lily noticed a emerald envelope, confused at why anyone would put their letter in a such lavish envelope just for her (she'd already read the back), Lily ripped it open, looking inside and reading the last thing she would expect to see...

Lily,

In this envelope is a letter which you must read on the Halloween eve of October 1981, not before, not after...

Albus Dumbledore

Should I open it? Lily thought for some moments, then shrugged and took out the other folded piece of parchment, but the only thing she saw was Harry's messy scrawl.

Remember, Lily, only on October 30 1981

Harry stared as James walked up to her, nervously holding a box. "Merry Christmas James." Harry smiled.

James nervously smiled back, "I-I don't know why I am doing this, but it just didn't feel right not giving this to you." At that he handed a small wooden box to Harry, who gently took it, wondering what it was.

"My mother gave it to me. She told me to give it to the person I feel they would have the most meaning to." James rocked back and forth on his two legs nervously, but then crumbling, and running back to where Sirius was, who in turn was watching the exchange with surprised interest.

Harry opened the box and found a set of loose diamond earrings sparkling back to her. Harry looked back up surprised only to find the nervous smile of James looking back at her, and she grinned.

I love you too dad...