Star Ocean III: The Aftermath
Chapter 3: Huntin' fer Junk
Dita: Ladies and gentlemen, it is now time for Mr. KTAH's Super Hour Special!
Don Patch: With your host, KTAH!
KTAH: Thank you, thank you guys.
Jack: What the hell is going on?
KTAH: Shut up Jack. Now, let us see what story we shall cook up today! Sanji!
Sanji: Yeah, whatevah…
(Sanji pulls a lever and a slot machine thingy starts reeling)
First slot: STAR
Second slot: OCEAN
Third slot: III
Sanji: Ey, it's dis Star Ocean III… (takes a puff of his cig)
KTAH: Then it is settled! We will make a new chapter for my critically acclaimed story The Aftermath!
Jack: Who is that blonde-headed guy? And why is Dita and… uh… that giant orange skittle over there doing here? They're anime people!
KTAH: Well, I've decided to just combine the whole team into one grand alliance! Oh, and Sanji's from One Piece, he's new.
Sanji: Ey.
Jack: Okkkk…
KTAH: Now, Jack! Disclaimer!
Jack: Ok… KTAH doesn't own anyone from Star Ocean III!
KTAH: That's the spirit, Jack! Now… BEGIN!
NOTE: THIS STORY, DESPITE MY HATE FOR DOING SO, MAY OFFEND PEOPLE. HOWEVER, IT'S JUST PLAIN HUMOR AND JOKES! SO PLEASE, TRY NOT TO BE, BECAUSE EVERYTIME SOMEONE IS OFFENDED, I LOSE AN HOUR OF MY LIFE (WOW THAT WAS PRETTY DEEP HAHA) NOW, LET US CONTINUE!
PREVIOUSLY ON THE AFTERMATH…
(Fayt, Maria, Albel, and Cliff are hiding behind a rock spying on a large group of hyenas)
Fayt: HYENAS! I hate hyenas… so, what's the plan?
Maria: Live bait…
Fayt: Ahh yes, live bait—HEEEEY!
Maria: C'mon, Fayt…
Fayt: Whaddya want me to do, dress in drag and do the hula?
(moments later, Fayt in full hula gear and Cliff as a pot roast appear in the middle of the hyena group)
Fayt: Luau! If you're hungry for a hunk of fat and juicy meat, eat my buddy Fittir here because he is a treat! Come on down and dine on this tasty swine, all ya gotta do is get in liiiiine! Aaaare ya achin'?
Cliff: Yup, yup, yup!
Fayt: Foooor some juicy bacon?
Cliff: Yup, yup, yup!
Fayt: Heee's a really big pig!
Cliff: Yup, yup, yup!
Fayt: You can be a big pig too! OY!
Maria: What the hell was that!
Monkey: Asante sana! Squash banana! We we nugu!
Albel: Damn annoying monkey… worm…
YES, THAT WAS ALMOST ENTIRELY A SCENE FROM THE LION KING. AND NO, THIS DID NOT ACTUALLY HAPPEN. NOW, LET US RESUME OUR WATCH OVER OUR HEROES… AND SOPHIA AND ROGER… MEBBE EVEN ADRAY AND CLAIR… OH, AND DEFINITELY NEL AND CROSELL…
(Fayt rides Cliff's segway while Maria rides her own segway and Cliff hovers on his pantlegs and Albel flies on his broomstick)
Fayt: So, Maria, what's the next thing we need?
Maria: I have no friggin' clue.
Fayt: Wh-what!
Maria: Just jokin'!
(pulls the list out of her boot)
Maria: Let's see… we just got a paperclip… so now we'll need to find… a goat!
Fayt: Wait, we seriously needed that?
Maria: Of course! That's what runs the ship!
Fayt: OOOOOOOK….
Cliff: Whee!
Maria: But where could we find a goat?
Fayt: Hm… Arias!
Maria: Let's go!
Albel: Lemme see that list, I don't even know what we're looking for!
Maria: No, now shut up!
(A few minutes later, in Arias)
Maria: HEY! DOES ANYBODY KNOW WHERE WE CAN FIND A GOAT!
(All of the townsfolk stare at her in shock and puzzlement)
Albel: Was that really necessary? Worm…
Maria: No.
Albel: Figures, maggot… worm…
Man #1: Sorry, babe, no goats here! We're vegetarians!
Maria: D-did he just call me babe?
Cliff: Oh, man…
Fayt: What now?
Cliff: It's another one of those things she hates… getting called the "B-word"…
Fayt: The "B-word"?
Cliff (whispering in Fayt's ear): Babe.
Fayt: Oh.
Man #1: What's wrong, babe—
Maria: GRAHHHHHHH!
(electricity circles Maria)
Cliff: Oh, shindig! Fayt, jerk (Albel), hide over here!
(All three men hide behind a broken fragment of a house)
Maria: BIG BANG ATTACK!
KTAH: A DBZ reference…
Man #1: OMFG I'm a gonna die!
(Man #1 explodes like a firework)
Maria: That's better! (gets cheery again, with butterflies flying around her peacefully) Peace and serenity…
KTAH: Wow, another reference already… by the way that was from the English dub of Bobobo…
Maria: Boys, where'd ya go?
Cliff: We're over here eatin' cookies!
Fayt: Hey, I wanted that Oreo!
Albel: Have a worm, worm…
Fayt: Ew!
Cliff: Go ahead, I dare ya!
Fayt: No way!
Maria: Gimme it!
(swipes worm away)
Albel: With salt.
Maria: Certainly. (puts salt on the worm)
Fayt: Ew, she's really gonna eat it!
Maria: CHOMP! (eats the salty worm)
All Men: EWWWWWWW!
Maria: Ah, shaddup!
(slaps all three with one foul paper fan)
Maria: C'mon, quit wastin' time! We gotta get offa this hunkarock soon or we're gonna miss that Ten Inch Nails concert!
Fayt: Oh, yeah!
Cliff: Nice!
Albel: Wait… I wanna go… worm…
Cliff: Sorry, asshead, no ticket, no TIN!
Albel: WOOOOORM!
Maria: Godammit, stop doing that!
Albel: Sorry, worm…
Maria: Ok, seriously guys, get offa your asses and let's go!
Fayt: Right!
Cliff: Yeah, sure…
Albel: Yes, worm…
Maria: Ok! Now, we need to find…
Fayt: Ooh, ooh! I know! We need a goat—
Maria: We already got one right here!
(points to a goat)
Goat: BAAAAH.
Fayt: WTF when did we get that?
Maria: When you were eatin' cookies.
Fayt: Ohhhhhh….
Maria: Now! Let's go!
(Maria and Fayt hop on their segways while Cliff lifts off on his pantlegs as Albel grabs his broomstick)
MEANWHILE, IN THE DUNGEON…
Prisoner #1: Hey, girlie!
Sophia: Ew! Go away!
Prisoner #1: Gotta smoke?
Sophia: Ugh! Of course not! I do not smoke! It would ruin my beautiful face!
Prisoner #1: B-beautiful face?
Sophia: Ugh, yeah.
Prisoner #1: Good joke.
Sophia: Wh-what!
Prisoner #1: You sooooo ugly, I'd rather kiss that guy over there.
Prisoner #2 (wiggles his fingers towards #1 and grins): Hey big boy.
Sophia: EWWWWW!
Prisoner #1: God you're annoying.
Sophia: Fine then! Don't talk to me.
Prisoner #2: So, big boy, how's 'bout a kiss for yours truly?
(purses lips)
Prisoner #1: I was joking, Bubba, don't get your hopes up.
HEY, I THINK ADRAY AND CLAIR FINALLY HAVE SCRIPTS! LET'S SEE WHAT THEY'RE UP TO…
Adray (in bad singing voice): Under de sEa!
Clair (in beautiful singing voice): Under the seeeeeeaaaaaa!
Adray: Dahling it's bettah!
Clair: Down where it's wettaaaah!
Adray: Take it from mEeEeEeEeEeEeEe!
WOW, WHAT A TRAINWRECK ADRAY TURNED OUT TO BE… WE'LL, LET'S SEE WHAT OUR FRIENDS NEL AND CROSELL ARE UP TO…
Crosell: So, when can I go back to my mountain?
Nel: Never, bitch, you my slave.
Crosell: Wh-what? We never agreed to that!
Nel: Oh, we didn't, did we?
(flashback)
Nel: I'm bored.
Crosell: Me too.
Nel: Hey, wanna play flip a coin?
Crosell: Not really.
Nel: C'mon, ya old fart! Here's a deal: if I win, you're my slave for life…
Crosell: NO WAY!
Nel: … and if you win then… I'll give ya a strip tease?
Crosell: Why would I, a dragon, wanna see a human girl's body?
Nel: It's a sight to see…
Naruto: BELIEVE IT!
Crosell: Ahh… eragergegager… fine, let's play.
Nel: Cool! Ok, here it goes!
(Nel flips the coin, and it flies in the air dramatically, and slowly but surely lands on…)
Nel: ...
Crosell: …
Nel: It's heads!
Crosell: … wait, who won?
Nel: Oh, that's right! We didn't even pick heads or tails! My bad! TAILS!
Crosell: TA—oh, come on, that's the best side…
Nel: Shut up and pick heads.
Crosell: Ok, heads…
Nel: Ok, now let's try this again! HERE IT GOES!
(Coin flips in the air even more dramatically than last time, and it slams on the ground, landing on…)
Nel: TAILS! I WIN!
Crosell: AH! No fair! I wanna rematch!
Nel: No way, Crosell! You're my slave now!
Crosell: NOOOOOOOOO!
Albel: Worm…
(end of flashback)
Nel: See? The flashback explains it all.
Crosell: Godammit, why did I play with my life to see a girl nekkid!
Nel: Shaddup and give me a manicure.
Crosell: Yes, boss.
HAHA… WHAT WAS NARUTO AND ALBEL DOING IN THEIR FLASHBACK? ANYWAY, BACK WITH FAYT, MARIA, CLIFF, AND ALBEL…
Albel: So, what was the next item we needed agai—OOF! WoOoOoOorm…
(Albel slams into a tree and gets knocked out before falling to the ground)
Fayt: Oh, great!
Cliff: I-is he dead?
Maria: No, he's still breathing. Geez, he has to learn to watch where he's going!
Albel: Worm…
Fayt: ACK!
Cliff: WHOA!
Maria: Well, that was fast.
Albel: Uhhhhhhmmmm… cough, cough, I did that on purpose… worm…
Maria: Stop lying, we all know you're a crappy driver…
Cliff: He doesn't even drive! He flies on a friggin' broomstick!
Fayt: True dat.
Maria: So, what were you saying again, Albel?
Albel: Oh, uhhhh… what's the next thing we're looking for? Worm…
Maria: Oh yeah! I didn't even say myself… we need… another bottle of apple juice?
Cliff: Mmm! This apple juice is good!
Maria: Gimme!
(snatches apple juice away)
Cliff: Juice! Juice!
Maria: Now we need… some guy named Albedo? Oh, wait, he's in the Aquios Dungeon, I think…
IN THE DUNGEON…
Albedo: MY EXISTENCE IS INFINIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIITE!
Sophia: Shut up! People are trying to sleep!
Bubba: I wouldn't mind sleeping with hi—
BACK WITH THE GROUP…
Maria: A giraffe…
Mario: HERE WE GOOOOOOO!
(Mario is riding a giraffe, so Maria shoots him off and takes the giraffe and sticks it in her boot)
Maria: A buster sword… damn, where are we gonna find one of those?
Cliff: Hmm…
Fayt: Hmm… wait! The internet!
Maria: Right! Let's see, let's go to gBay!
(searches for buster sword and finds it)
Maria: Ok! Let's bid!
(Highest Bid - $10.00)
Maria: Let's offer… $10.01!
(Bid - $10.01… let's check to see who the other bidder is)
Cloud: Dammit! Why did Tifa auction my sword?
(Cloud sees bid rise by a cent)
Cloud: What? Someone is trying to outbid me? Oh, I'll show 'em…
(Cloud's Bid - $20.00)
Maria: That bastard!
Fayt: Go to $100.00!
(Maria's bid - $100.00)
Cloud: Dammit! I need my sword!
(Cloud's bid - $120.00)
Maria: Damn! He's still not giving up?
(Maria's bid - $100,000.99)
Cloud: DAMN! They're going all out!
Maria: YES! YESSSSS!
(Suddenly, bid rises to $1,000,000.10)
Maria & Cloud: WTF! WHO PLACED THAT BID?
Sephiroth: Hehehe… I like this sword… it seems oddly familiar though…
Maria: Great, we just lost our chance to get that sword…
Sephiroth: Heheheh…
Albel: Hey, who's that over behind that rock? Worm…
Sephiroth: It is I, Sephiroth, the One-Winged Angel!
(Sephiroth holds buster sword)
Maria: Uh! There's that sword we need! So that means you're the guy who outbid us!
Sephiroth: Yes… and I will use this same sword to defeat you…
Cliff: Heh, this girly man wantsta fight us?
Fayt: Well if it's a battle he wants…
Maria: It's a battle he's gonna get!
(All three charge at Sephiroth, but are knocked away by his wing flap)
Maria: Wh-what?
Sephiroth: Fools. You cannot harm me.
Albel: Heh, so we're gonna fight this maggot? All right, show me what you got, worm!
(Albel charges at Sephiroth himself, and he slashes his face)
Sephiroth: Oh, my beautiful face! My FAAAAACE!
Maria: WTF?
Fayt: WTF?
Cliff: WTF?
Albel: WTF? Worm…
Sephiroth: Oh, you guys are mean!
Maria: All right, enough of this.
(Shoots Sephiroth in the face and he disappears, dropping the buster sword)
Maria: Ok, next item…
Fayt: What the hell was that all about?
Maria: Let's see… now we need… a maid's uniform?
Fayt: A wha?
Cliff: Does the Diplo really need that?
Maria: Yeah, according to Marietta, the uniform is the main fuel… weird. But where could we find a maid's uniform? Hm…
Fayt: Hm…
Cliff: Got no friggin' clue.
Albel: Hm… wait! Worm…
Fayt: What?
Albel: I know where to get the uniform! Worm…
Cliff: Really, ya big jerk? Where?
Albel: That one maggot was wearing one when we forced her to clean the castle! Worm…
Maria: Gee, that helps! Which maggot?
Albel: Whaddya mean, worm…?
Maria: You call everyone maggot or worm, so how do we know who you're talkin' about!
Albel: Uh… that one maggot everyone hates… worm…
All three: … still doesn't help.
Albel: DAMMIT DO I REALLY HAVE TO SAY HER NAME! Worm…
Cliff: Do we hafta punch it outta ya, ya jerk?
Albel: So-sop-Sophia or something… worm…
All three: SOPHIA!
(Everyone hops on their rides and Cliff launches on his pantlegs and they head for Aquios again)
MEANWHILE, BACK WITH SOPHIA AND THE PRISONERS…
Prisoner #1: Damn, I'm bored as hell.
Sophia: I don't care.
Prisoner #1: Hey, Bubba, #3! Wanna get outta here for a while?
Prisoner #3: Sure, what the hell?
Bubba: Ooh, sure, baby-boo!
Albedo: Hey, what about me?
Prisoner #1: Nah, we don't like you.
Albedo: Oh, ok… ahahahahah… AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!
Sophia: Wait! I wanna get out too!
Prisoner #1: What? We don't like you either.
Sophia: PLEEEEEASE?
Prisoner #3: Ahh, just let her out so she'll escape so we don't have to deal with her sh-t no more…
Prisoner #1: Ok, let's go guys.
(#1 opens a door in the wall and they all walk out, except for Albedo and the other prisoners)
A FEW MINUTES LATER…
Maria: Whaddya mean she's not here?
Runologist #1: Sorry, ma'am, she just disappeared a long time ago!
Fayt: Dammit! Does anybody know where she went?
Runologist #1: Uh, no dumbass, otherwise we would've brought her back!
Cliff: Heheh.
Fayt: Shut up.
Albel: Let's go get the red-headed worm and the big yellow worm, they should be able to find her. Worm…
Maria: Right! She's good at that kinda stuff.
ANOTHER FEW MINUTES LATER…
Nel: WHAT DO WE LOOK LIKE, FRIGGIN' MYSTERY INC.?
Crosell: I AM SO OFFENED RIGHT NOW!
KTAH: There's a possibility that a lot of people are offended by now, and I apologize again if you are.
Fayt: No, of course not! It's just that, well… you're sorta like a ninja, and Crosell's a little like a dog…
Nel: Well, if you put it that way…
Crosell: Wait! He just called me a dog!
Nel: Shut up! We're gonna help them find that girl!
Cliff: A'right!
Maria: Thanks a lot, guys.
Nel: No problem! Right Crosell?
Crosell: Whatevah.
Fayt: Ok! Then let's go find Sophia!
(Everyone hops on Crosell's back)
Crosell: Ow, my poor back…
Nel: Shut up and fly!
Crosell: Right, right, I'm goin'! I'm goin'!
(Crosell flies into the sky and the search for Sophia and the maid's uniform begins)
HEY, WE HAVEN'T SEEN WHAT ADRAY AND CLAIR HAVE BEEN DOING FOR A WHILE… WELL, LET'S SEE WHAT IT DO OVER THERE…
Adray: Prince Aliiiiiiii!
Clair: Mighty is heeeeee!
Adray: Ali A—wait WTF are we singin' Disney songs for?
Clair: I dunno, but I'm having fun! Tee-hee!
Adray: I'm gonna go train…
Peppita: HIIIIIII!
Adray: HOLY FRIGGIN' SHIZZLE!
Roger: Peppy, wait up!
Clair: Oh great, what do the midgets want?
Roger: We wanna sing Disney songs too!
Clair: No!
Peppy: WHYYYYY!
Clair: Cuz you guys suck at singing! Now leave!
Roger: But I—
Clair: LEAVE!
Roger: Y-yes ma'am!
Clair: Where was I? Oh, right… look for the bare necessitiiiiiies!
SERIOUSLY, WHY HAS THIS WHOLE CHAPTER BEEN RIDDLED WITH DISNEY REFERENCES? WHO KNOWS. NOW, LET'S SEE WHAT THE PRISONERS ARE UP TO…
Prisoner #1: So, guys, what should we do?
Bubba: I know what I wanna do…
Prisoner #3: God, Bubba, is that all you ever think about?
Bubba: What? I wanted to play hide and seek!
Sophia: Wow, you guys sure are weird. But, now I must leave you all! I must find my dearest Fayt and deliver upon him a lovely kiss from my perfect lips! Ohhhhh, Faaaaaaayyyy—
(Sophia is crushed under Crosell)
Fayt: Hey! Have you guys seen a girl that's been wandering around in a maid's uniform?
(The three prisoners point towards the ground underneath Crosell's foot)
Sophia (muffled): Get offa me!
Cliff: Hey! I hear her irritating voice! It is her!
(The group jumps down from Crosell's back, and the large dragon rolls over in exhaustion)
Crosell: Damn… I'm too old for this…
Maria: There you are, you little brat! Give us that uniform!
Sophia: Wh-what kind of question is that?
Maria: No questions! Gimme!
Sophia: Do you got another thing of clothes for me?
Maria: Does it look like we do?
Sophia: Then no!
Nel: That's it!
Maria: Let's jump her!
Sophia: Bring it on, bitches!
(The three women get into a cat fight, and Fayt, Cliff, Albel, Crosell, Prisoner #1, and Prisoner #3 stare in awe while Bubba stares at Prisoner #1's bum. The three girls roll into the bushes, and then silence takes over)
Fayt: …
Albel: … worm…
#1: …
#3: …
Bubba: Ooh!
Crosell: … my back…
Cliff: … are they dead?
Fayt: Cliff, you're a retard…
(Maria and Nel emerge from the bushes with the maid's uniform)
Maria: Ok! Now we can move on to the next item!
Fayt: Cool!
Cliff: Hey, lemme see if Sophia's dead or not…
Maria: Are you tryin' to be a perv?
Cliff: Mebbe…
(Nel slams Cliff in the back of the head with a hammer)
Maria: Thanks, Nel.
Nel: No problem. Ok, ya big load (Crosell), time to go back.
Crosell: What, is it over already?
Nel: Of course.
Crosell: Man…
Nel: You tryin' to be a perv too?
Crosell: N-no…
Nel: Ok, then. Let's get outta here.
Maria: See ya later Nel!
Nel: See ya, girl.
(Nel and Crosell fly away)
Fayt: Ok, so now that we got the uniform, what item do we need now?
Maria: We need… a zebra.
Cliff: Who put all of those animals on that list? I don't remember the ship needin' that much animals…
Fayt: You were the dumbass that put all of them on there in the first place!
Cliff: Oh, right! Well, that's because I had a hunch…
Fayt: A hunch? About what?
Cliff: …
Fayt: …
Cliff: I dunno.
Fayt: Seriously, are all Klausians like this?
Maria: No, just Cliff. Well, Albel just caught a zebra.
Albel: I shall call it…
Maria: Watch he's gonna call it worm…
Albel: Onion! Worm…
Maria: OMG he named it Onion.
Albel: What's the next item we need, worm?
Maria: Now we need… Godammit…
Fayt: What?
Maria: We need a dragon's toenail…
Fayt: WHAT? BUT CROSELL JUST FLEW AWAY!
Nel: Oh, man! Crosell, you stupid dragon! You forgot to remind me to arrest the escapees!
Crosell: Uh… sorry.
Cliff: Hey, there they are now!
Maria: Crosell!
Crosell: Y-yeah?
Maria: We need one of your toenails!
Crosell: Um… do you got a nail clipper?
Maria: No.
Crosell: Sorry, but until you got a clipper, I can't—OMFG MY FOOT!
(Fayt chops one of Crosell's toenails off with his sword)
Fayt: Got it!
Maria: Good job!
Crosell (rolling in pain): OMG that sucked!
Nel (carrying all of the prisoners, including Sophia): All right, Crosell, time to go.
Crosell: Oh, great… my back's gonna ache again…
Nel: Shut up and fly.
Maria: See ya again.
(Nel and Crosell fly away with the prisoners)
Maria: Now, we need a copy of Kill Bill.
Fayt: That movies so old though!
Maria: There should be one in the Diplo. Marietta loves that movie.
Fayt: Oh, ok.
Maria: We need a pencil… which is in my pocket… a glass of Cookie Crisp… in the Diplo kitchen… a game called Radiata Stories…
Cliff: Where are we gonna get that?
Maria: … wait, I'll be right back.
(Maria teleports away)
Maria: Hey.
KTAH: WTF get back in the story!
Maria: Listen, I need to borrow a copy of Radiata Stories.
KTAH: Oh, ok.
(Hands Maria Radiata Stories)
KTAH: Be careful with it!
Maria: I will! See ya!
(Maria teleports away again)
Maria: I'm back.
Fayt: Where the hell did you go?
Maria: To the bathroom.
Fayt: Ohhhhhh.
Maria: Now we gotta find… a platypus… Marietta has one for a pet… and the last thing we need is…
Cliff: ONE…
Fayt: THOUSAND…
Maria: RUBBERBANDS…
Albel: WOOOOOOORM…
Maria (kicks Albel in the face): Stop doing that!
Fayt: Where the fun are we gonna find 1,000 rubber bands?
Albel: I know… worm…
Maria: Really? Where?
Albel: There was a legend in Airyglyph that said that there was a creature made entirely of rubberbands… and he lives underneath Aquious Castle… worm…
Maria: Well what are we waitin' for? Let's go get those rubberbands—
Albel: We must not go… worm… he is too powerful… worm…
Cliff: Not for me!
Fayt: Yeah! We can beat him!
Maria: After all, we beat that one dude in 4D space!
Albel: … I suppose you all are right… worms…
Maria: Then it's settled! Let's go, guys!
(The group hops on their rides and ride off into the sunset)
KTAH: I think that was shorter than the others.
Jack: So what? Know you can write a Radiata story!
Dita: Or a story about me!
Sanji: Ey, why not me and Nami? NAAAMI!
Don Patch: Or me!
KTAH: Oh, geez… it's good to be back, I guess…