"What did you find out from the boyfriend?" he asked.
"That he's a criminal." Cameron got up and threw her unfinished yogurt into the trash.
House rolled his eyes. "Well, yeah. What did you find out from the boyfriend, about Mr. Upchuck?"
"He didn't let me take any notes, so you'll have to be patient." Cameron sat down and looked intent.
"I'm always patient," House grumbled quietly, but he paid attention to her anyway.
"He's the last of his species. Most of his kind were killed when their planet blew up. A few of them had been banished to some dimensional gap sort of a thing, but they've managed to kill themselves off over the years."
"As self-destructive as people," House murmured. "I like it."
Cameron gave him a Look, and went on. "But, of course, it means we can't get a healthy one to compare him to."
House made a face at her.
"All Luthor's notes indicated that he can be harmed only by two things: Kryptonite, and magic. I know, I know. But Luthor seems to believe in it."
"So he thinks, what, somebody put a curse on him?"
"He didn't say that. His database had a huge number of incidents of Superman being attacked with kryptonite. Most of the time, it was him doing the attacking."
"Kinky."
"Don't start. The last one was almost two years ago. Luthor built some sort of a kryptonite blasting thing--"
"Very specific."
"There were diagrams and stuff, but I didn't think it was relevant, and I couldn't make copies." Cameron's voice was doing that high-pitched thing it did when she was getting a little too exasperated. House still needed to know what she knew, so he backed it down a step. He held his tongue and just waggled his eyebrows at her, and she went on. "So. This kryptonite blasting thing..." Cameron stopped and glared at him for a second, but he kept his mouth shut. "It was part of a big plan Luthor had to take Superman out and make it look as if Batman had done it. Apparently, there's rivalry. And Luthor wanted to make it look as if there were more rivalry than there actually is, and--" Cameron must have noticed him closing his eyes and making imitation snoring sounds, because she stopped for a moment and pursed her lips disapprovingly, and then went on with actual information. "So the Joker, who seems to have some sort of weird fascination with Batman, too, stole the device and used it, in some big public venue, not where it would look like Batman had done it."
House opened his eyes and straightened up. Ow. He checked the wall clock –- there was still half an hour he had to wait. "I remember that. Ruined the Super Bowl."
"I guess. Anyway, Luthor couldn't stand it that the Joker had stolen his weapon and used it against his superfoe, so he decided he had to rescue him. There was a huge fight--"
"The fight was cool," House interrupted.
Cameron rolled her eyes at him and went on. "LuthorCorp Security captured the Joker--"
"Wasn't there a big jurisdictional squabble?" House was losing track of the story a little. His leg really hurt. He fiddled with his cane and tried not to look at the clock. It always moved way too slowly once he'd noticed it was almost time for his meds.
"Yeah. Luthor engineered that, actually, to draw the public's attention away from the question of what had happened to Superman. LuthorCorp maintained that since they were the ones who had taken custody of the Joker, he was subject to Kansas state law. LuthorCorp's headquartered in Metropolis, of course."
"And the Super Bowl that year was at Arrowhead Stadium. Kansas City, Missouri." He could take a pill. Cameron wouldn't know he was twenty-five minutes early.
"Um. Yes, it was. How do you remember things like that?"
"It's a guy thing." House gestured for her to go on.
She took a deep breath, which he appreciated –- both for its Cameron-refraining-from-nagging-him properties and the aesthetic effect. "Gotham City maintained that it had jurisdiction over the Joker, since he'd escaped from their custody, but Missouri was very happy to let Kansas take him. Midwestern unity, I suppose. He's been in Belle Reve State Sanitarium ever since."
"I'm surprised he hasn't broken out. It seems to be his specialty." House gave up and swallowed a Vicodin.
Cameron frowned at him. "Belle Reve is a snake-pit and an offense against all modern ideas of psychiatric treatment, but people don't escape from it. It's no Arkham, that's for sure. The municipal battling extended to the commercial field, too. Bruce Wayne of Wayne Industries seemed to take the whole thing personally; Luthor held onto his company by the skin of his teeth."
"So all this talk about tens of millions of dollars is a lot of hooey?"
"No, it all got straightened out eventually. His documentation even suggests that he and Bruce Wayne may have worked together on all the Business Section drama. Of course, Luthor's famous for being a little nuts himself. I'm quoting--" She closed her eyes and looked distant. House would be willing to bet good money that she didn't know how pretty she looked like that. "He wrote, 'I found him, nearly dead, buried in that clown's carnage. He looked up at me and knew me. He called me by name. I took him home and made him mine.' I'll leave the details of the 'making' to your imagination." She looked a little flushed. Oh yeah, she'd read every word.
House smiled at her. The Vicodin was kicking in, and everything was starting to feel better. "So, he went from Superman to Rich Man's Darling. Is that all?"
"He's still Superman. I mean, he goes out on patrol and fights crime, works with the Justice League, rescues people from natural disasters..."
"He doesn't fight with Luthor any more, though. He's not regularly exposed to kryptonite, as he was in previous years. Unless that's a kink of theirs?"
Cameron made a face. "No! And trust me, if it were, it would have been in there."
"So maybe it's a deficiency. Maybe he needs a little dose of the poison to keep from getting sick."
"Like little kids needing to be exposed to a certain amount of germs and dirt in order to avoid developing asthma!"
"Find out where to get some of this stuff –- Luthor should have a stockpile somewhere; ask him. Give it a try."
"Right." Cameron left the room. House leaned back in his chair and closed his eyes.