Chapter 13: The Question and the Answer, it was Our Almost First Kiss.
I looked up at him. That boy. He was smiling sweetly back at me, and I didn't blush. It just wasn't in me. Something about the way he was looking at me. I started to reach up, I don't know what for, but he turned his face away, hiding his smile from my eyes. I lowered my hand and he reached around me, smiled warmly, and opened the door. "Roxas, I... really can't thank you enough."
"It's really no big deal. Just a bunch of old binders." He shrugged and walked over to the bed. "Hey... we're still hanging out tomorrow, right?"
"Yeah. For sure."
"And um..." He looked back at me. "Your friend...?"
"Oh... Kazuki. That's right. Thanks for reminding me." He tried to smile, but looked down instead.
"Yeah... sure..." He mumbled.
"What's wrong?" I asked. I put my hand to my forehead and closed my eyes. "Ugh, I'm sorry. I knew it was totally horrible of me to just invite him." I sighed and sat down on the chair at the desk. "I'm so sorry..." I couldn't look at him, but I felt his gaze. "It's all my fault."
"Uh– No! It's not your fault! Nothings wrong but... I mean..." He started to laugh nervously and I looked at him. His eyes were closed and he was rubbing the back of his neck. He sighed. "It's fine. They're your friends, too."
"But... I only just met them." I objected.
"Doesn't matter." He got up from the bed and walked over to me. "I can tell they like you."
We smiled at each other.
A few weeks passed, Halloween, too, and Roxas and I became closer and closer. I was a regular in the group, now, and every now and then Kazuki would hang out with us, too. Today, though, the day before Thanksgiving, it was just the two of us. We were hanging out at my apartment and currently in the midst of an awkward silence. He opened his mouth to say something, but we heard a door creak. My eyes widened and shot through the kitchen to the front door. The knob was turning, it almost seemed slow motion, Roxas nudged me, and said something, but my mind was in a blur. The door swung open and my mother, still dressed in her work uniform, came into the room.
At first, it didn't seem like she noticed me -or Roxas for that matter- but I noticed the faint smile under the dark red lipstick. I decided that nothing could be done, she already knew. My mother was quick on the uptake, as luck would properly have it. "Namine." She said sweetly, without turning my way. "Roxas." I was shocked. I hadn't told her anything about him, in fact, we rarely talked. I didn't have the slightest clue how she could know his name, or even, know he existed. She sighed and took off her coat and hat, letting her dark blond curls fall to her shoulders. "It's so nice to finally meet you." She said, taking a seat on the armrest next to me. She put her arm around my shoulder.
"Mom... I can expl–"
"I've heard so much about you. You sound like a very nice young man." I tilted my head and looked back at Roxas, who had his nervous smile plastered on his face. I couldn't imagine why he'd be nervous but then... back then... he did say he liked m– "Namine, don't be rude. Invite your guest to stay for lunch." She stood up and left the room, headed for her own, where she would most likely change into more casual clothes.
"I thought you said your mom didn't know about your new friends." He said, looking at me funny.
"She didn't." Again the awkward silence, and then, it hit me. I smiled softly. "Grandma probably told her." Roxas smiled, too. The second time he came over to my house, he met my grandma. She really seemed to like him, and she had a little twinkle in her eyes that was never there before. She told me later, after he left that he reminded her of my grandpa, which was good, because my grandpa always told me I reminded him of her. The next time Roxas stopped by, he had a couple of flowers with him. He gave one to me, and walked straight to my grandma's room. I watched him walk down the hall with a puzzled look on my face, but he didn't even look back. After a few minutes passed, I walked to the open door of my grandmother's room. He had pulled up a chair and was talking to her, the flower was in a vase by her bed. I leaned over onto the wall, smiling while I watched them. Now, almost every time Roxas came over, he would talk to my grandma for a while first. She didn't really get company, except for me and my mom, and she would always talk about how much she liked Roxas. I knew he was making her happy, and I thought it was really sweet of him. That's how I knew she had told my mother. I felt stupid for not thinking of it before, but I let it go.
"Well, sure." He said, interrupting my thoughts. I looked over at him. "Now it seems obvious." He smiled at me and I smiled back. Something was different today, just the mood we were in. His smile faded, and for no reason really, I felt my cheeks get hot. We were just staring at each other, and I cast my glance downward. What was wrong with me? Why was I being so shy, today? I felt Roxas's warm hand over mine, and he moved a bit closer. I looked up at him and he looked out to the side, I smiled. So I wasn't the only one embarrassed. Roxas was my friend, though, it felt wrong... but so right. When our eyes finally met again, they spoke for themselves. Roxas started to edge in, little by little, and then–
"So! What do you kids want for lunch?" We immediately shot back to where we were before. Both tense, our hands in our laps. Why did this have to happen on the one day my mother was home?
I stole a glance at Roxas, he was completely white with just a little pink hue on his cheeks. His eyes were wide and his lips pursed. This couldn't have been any more embarrassing. He started to look over at me, but then stopped and looked back at the empty wall. "Anything is fine. Thank you."
"Aw, Nami. He's sweet. I like him." She said, in a very suggestive tone. Roxas and I looked at each other, and burst out in laughter. I don't know if my mom got it or not, but she exhaled softly and smiled as she watched us. After lunch, which was unusually silent by the way, my mom went into my grandma's room to bring her some soup. Roxas and I weren't in as awkward of a state, but it was still a little tense. I don't know about him, but honestly, if my mom didn't interrupt us... I don't know if I would have kissed him anyway. I knew my mom could tell I liked him, and I knew that she was happy for me, but I could tell by her smile that she was disappointed. I asked Roxas if I could talk to her for a while, and he said he would just wait on the couch. I thanked him and went to my grandma's room.
I walked in, to find my grandmother asleep and my mother sitting in the corner chair, pushing her hair back with one hand. That meant she was upset. "Hey mom." I said, surprising her.
"Oh, hello, darling."
"Mom..." I said. "Are you mad at me?" She shook her head. "Are you sad that I didn't tell you?" She shook her head again.
"It's neither of those. I am upset, though. Could you not confide in me?"
"No, mom, that's not it. I... just didn't really know what to say."
"Honey, I'm not asking you to tell me every minor detail in your life. All I'm asking is for you not to be afraid to tell me the big ones. Roxas is a really sweet boy, and I hope that you get what you want from him. I love you honey." She pushed my hair back and looked at me lovingly, then kissed my forehead and left the room. I sighed and got up, ready to leave the room, but my grandmother caught my hand. Startled, because I thought she was sleeping, I jumped.
"Namine, sweetheart," She sounded tired. "Tell your mother things. She feels bad enough that she's never home to be with you, and that all her work barely gets you through this lifestyle. Just knowing how you neglected to tell her these types of things really kills her inside. Just try to be a little more considerate of her feelings." She patted my hand, then released it and shut her eyes again.
I walked back out, a little upset knowing what I had done to my mother, and Roxas was staring intently up at the ceiling, as if trying to figure out a murder. I crept up silently behind him and put one of my hands on his cheek. He flipped out and stood up, turning to look at me. I was trying to contain the laughter, which I knew I had no chance of doing, and I ended up laughing even harder. He smiled. "Dang, Namine. You scared me, don't do that."
"Sorry." I said, just getting over my giggles. "So..." I said, walking around the couch. "You looked pretty deep in thought there." I let myself fall onto the couch. "Watcha' thinking about?"
"Um..." He put his hand to the back of his head. "Nothing really. I...better get going home pretty soon. Sorry about..." He made an obscure motion with his hands. "You know... earlier." I made a face.
"Sorry? You don't have to be sorry."
"I... don't know. I just... it felt okay at the time."
"Roxas," I smiled. "It was fine." I stood up, feeling very around the bush. "Maybe..." There was that flirt again. "We could try it again sometime."
"Maybe sometime we could do it right."
I smiled. "Yeah, maybe." I walked with him to the door, and hugged him as he left. But, just as I was closing the door, he moved his foot in the way.
"Namine," He was speaking harshly, and fast, too. I was taken aback by his tone. "Do you maybe wanna go out this weekend?" I widened my eyes and let go of the door. I scanned the ground with my nervous eyes, searching for an answer to the question. How would I say yes? Why hadn't I thought about this moment? There must be some word that's better than sure, or I'd love to. There had to be... It was–
"No." I don't know why it came out of my mouth, and I wish I could have just taken it right back, but I couldn't. He didn't look surprised at all. He nodded.
"Yeah that's... kind of what I thought." And he turned to leave.
"Wait, Roxas–" I stopped him, but for what? I didn't know how I was supposed to tell him how I felt. His eyes were worn and he looked sadder than usual. "I'm sorry. I would really love to, I swear, I just can't."
He shrugged. "Maybe some other time?"
"No. I'm sorry, I just... can't." My grandmother's words rang through my mind, and I saw my mom's sorrowful eyes once again.
"Okay. Well then... see you tomorrow." I nodded and he left. I waited until he was completely out of sight to shut the door, and when I did, I put my back to it, slid down to the floor, and cried.
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She looked up at me. She looked really innocent, and I realized, she wasn't blushing. But then, it would have almost been awkward if she did at the moment. I couldn't really put my finger on it, but something was different as I looked at her. She started to move her hand up and I turned away, afraid of what she might do. She let her hand fall and smiling, I reached up behind her and opened the door. "Roxas, I... really can't thank you enough."
"It's really no big deal. Just a bunch of old binders." I shrugged and went to go sit on the bed. "Hey... we're still hanging out tomorrow, right?" I asked.
"Yeah. For sure." She sounded happy, but... about who?
"And um..." I looked up at her, determined to answer the question. "Your friend...?"
"Oh... Kazuki. That's right. Thanks for reminding me." I couldn't even fake a smile. Was I really that jealous over someone I knew nothing about? Wait, jealousy? I don't get jealous...
"Yeah... sure..." I added lastly.
"What's wrong?" She asked. She put her hand up to her forehead, closing her eyes. She looked upset. "Ugh, I'm sorry. I knew it was totally horrible of me to just invite him." Sitting down, she sighed. "I'm so sorry..." I stared at her, gaping, while she avoided my gaze. I couldn't believe she would even think that. "It's all my fault."
"Uh– No! It's not your fault! Nothings wrong but... I mean..." I tried to laugh, it didn't work. I closed my eyes, to relieve myself of her saddened appearance, and rubbed my neck. I sighed after a while. "It's fine. They're your friends, too."
"But... I only just met them." She was determined to prove me wrong.
"Doesn't matter." I stood up and told her the honest truth. There wasn't much to it, she just had to believe me. "I can tell they like you."
We smiled at each other.
After a few weeks, Namine and I continued to get closer, we got to be even better friends. She finally accepted herself as part of the group, which was good, because it seemed like she always had been. This time, it wasn't the whole group, just me and Namine, hangin' out. Today I had a goal to accomplish. I had been planning it for a long time, and I was determined to get it today. I didn't say anything, thinking about how to ask my question, and it became awkward. I decided it had to be before I lost my nerve, it had to be now. I opened my mouth, but paused, at Namine's widened eyes. "You okay?" I asked, but she didn't hear me.
Namine's gaze was fixed on the door, instead of on me, where it had to be for my question. I turned, and saw a beautiful woman. Although her hair was up in a ragged hat, a curled lock had fallen out. Her hair was a dark golden blonde, and her cheeks were pink. She didn't look much like Namine, although I knew she must have been her mother because her eyes were the exact same color. And trust me, eyes like that can't be matched. "Namine." She said, her voice was sweet and kindly. "Roxas." I was shocked. She sighed and took off her hat and coat, her hair fell in length to her shoulders. "It's so nice to finally meet you." She sat on the armrest of the old couch, and put her arm around Namine's shoulder. Namine looked odd and uncomfortable.
"Mom... I can expl–" She cut her off.
"I've heard so much about you. You sound like a very nice young man." I saw Namine look at me, but I didn't really face her. I was freaked out, I didn't know what to do, or say. I liked Namine so much, and I had never really thought about meeting her mom, so I didn't know what to do. "Namine, don't be rude. Invite your guest to stay for lunch." She stood up and left the room, only then was I at ease.
"I thought you said your mom didn't know about your new friends." I said, looking at her inquisitively.
"She didn't." Once more we were in silence, she smiled. "Grandma probably told her." I smiled, too. You see, my grandparents passed away when I was younger, but I always loved them. Namine's grandma reminded me a lot of mine, and she was sick, so I knew she'd enjoy the company. She became my first stop every time I came over to Namine's house. Every now and then I would give her things, just something little, like a flower, or a card. Just to make her feel better, because she was so nice, and she really didn't deserve the illness she had. Namine told me a couple of times how much her grandma would talk about me, and it made me happy knowing I was doing the same for her. I felt stupid for not thinking of it before, but I let it go.
"Well, sure." I said blankly. Namine looked over at me. "Now it seems obvious." I smiled at her, and like always, she smiled back. I couldn't help but noticing -and I knew she did too- that things weren't as comfortable today as they usually were. Just looking at her, I felt different. I let my smile vanish, and her cheeks became pink for the first time since the first few days we were together. She was tense, and moved her eyes down. Her hands were at her sides, and her shoulders high as she pushed down on the couch beneath her. Moving towards her, I put my hand on hers. It almost felt natural to me, and I was surprised at how shy she was. She looked up at me, and I looked away, almost mad at myself for doing so. When we finally looked at each other, we didn't need to say anything, we were spoken for. I started to move in, and eventually–
"So! What do you kids want for lunch?" I shut my eyes tight, as we both moved at light speed back to our previous places. Why couldn't we have that one moment. I let up a little, by my eyes were HUGE.
I don't think I've ever been that embarrassed in my life, and I hoped I never would be again. My only wish was that her mom hadn't noticed. I slowly started to look at Namine, but she was looking at me, so I didn't. "Anything is fine. Thank you." I said, uptight.
"Aw, Nami. He's sweet. I like him." She hinted. I felt bad for trying to kiss her, and then her mom thinking I was all innocent, but it didn't matter much, because me and Namine burst into a fit of laughter. I don't know if this was how it was here, because unlike my house it was an actual environment, but nobody talked at all during lunch. After a while, her mom took lunch to her grandma. Namine seemed kinda distracted and she just watched her mom enter the room, then shut the door behind her. She asked me if I would mind that she went and talked to her, and I said she could, I would just wait on the couch. I walked over and sat there, then took out my cell phone.
I dialed as fast as I could. Hayner's number. He picked up. "Hey. I need some help."
"Yeah?"
"I'm at Namine's and I wanted to..." My voice trailed off and I looked around, making sure that she wasn't there. "I wanted to ask her out today."
"Just ask her." He sounded annoyed.
"That's not it."
He sighed, unusually loudly. "What?"
"I... tried to kiss her."
"What?!" That got his attention. I honestly didn't know whether or not I should have told him. "You're such an idiot!" Yep, there it goes. I shouldn't have told him.
"It's not my fault!" I exclaimed, but quietly.
"Oh, and I suppose Namine FORCED you to try and kiss her?"
"What?!?!" It was muffled through the phone, but I recognized the voice as Olette's.
I sighed, but then smiled. "Hey Hayner," I mocked.
"Yeah?"
"I have some advice for you."
"What are you talking about?"
"Just ask her!" Then I hung up before he could say anything. I got to thinking and that was probably why he didn't want to talk. He was... busy... at the moment.
Soon enough, my smile faded. I shouldn't have started to kiss her. She probably didn't want to kiss me back. I don't even know what I was thinking. I sighed and leaned my head back onto the couch. My life was so easy until I met her. It's not like I regretted it, she was probably the best thing that ever happened to me. But... still...
Namine deserved so much better than me, and some things, I just couldn't give her. I turned my head to the side. It wasn't like I'd never liked a girl before. I had never gone out with one, or kissed one, but I had liked a few. Never like Namine. NEVER like Namine. I smiled. She was different. When other girls were nice, she was generous, and when other girls were pretty, she was beautiful. I couldn't really break it down in my heart, but something special was in there, it was, like my mom's, a place that only Namine could fill. Nobody else would do.
That was it. I more than liked her. I couldn't place it just yet, but I knew. I had to ask her today, even if just to remind her that I like her, or I'll be there if she ever needs me. Anything to– A hand on my cheek. In a second, it was soft, sweet, and scary. If I'd known it was coming, I wouldn't have moved, because of it's loving feel, but it surprised me, so I stood up, and turned. Namine started laughing. I smiled. "Dang, Namine. You scared me, don't do that." But I don't know if I meant it.
"Sorry." She laughed a little more. "So..." She said, meandering around the couch. "You looked pretty deep in thought there." She fell backwards onto the couch. "Watcha' thinking about?"
"Um..." How do I answer that? "Nothing really. I...better get going home pretty soon. Sorry about..." I made this big random movement with my arms. "You know... earlier." She looked at me funny.
"Sorry? You don't have to be sorry." Relieved. She didn't mind.
"I... don't know. I just... it felt okay at the time."
"Roxas," She smiled lovingly. "It was fine." She stood up, but talked slow, with her hands behind her back. "Maybe..." Again she attempted to flirt. "We could try it again sometime."
"Maybe sometime we could do it right."
She smiled, much to my own pleasure. "Yeah, maybe." She walked me to the door and hugged me, just a little tighter than usual. Her face started to disappear as she began to close the door, and, instinctively, I moved my foot in the way.
"Namine," It had to be now. I was going to do it. Before I lost my nerve! "Do you maybe wanna go out this weekend?" Her eyes widened, but soon after, a look of disappointment. I knew it. She was going to say no. I moved my foot and looked down. She was killing me. Slowly. It was worse than just being stabbed, she was pulling the sword back out, and really taking her time.
"No." I knew it. I nodded, and tried to find the words to tell her how I felt before I left.
"Yeah that's... kind of what I thought." I hated myself for not saying anymore.
"Wait, Roxas–" Why did she want me to wait? There was nothing else to be said. "I'm sorry. I would really love to, I swear, I just can't."
I shrugged, not believing the "truth" of her words. "Maybe some other time?" To test it.
"No. I'm sorry, I just... can't." Proof. And not the kind I wanted. I wanted so badly to prove to myself that she cared about me, to prove to her. I wished as hard as I could for her to take it back, for her to feel... what I felt.
"Okay. Well then... see you tomorrow." She nodded, I left. We were only playing the roles we had been assigned in life. I didn't look back, because I knew that if I did, the tears I was fighting with all my strength, would win our epic battle.
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Aw. So sad. BUT CORNY AND IT SUCKS! Anyways, just make sure that you read the next chapter because... crap happens. Yeah, I already wrote it. But read it anyway!!!!