All the rumors were true. Your life did seem to pass before your eyes when faced with mortal peril. He thought of his first hover bike when he was seven, all the children of the neighborhood jealous because their fathers didn't have the engineering know-how to attach a rocket engine to a child's toy. He recalled his first kiss at thirteen, his pretty female tutor in Archadian history getting paid for more than teaching.

The chafing metal of a judge's uniform. The number of ladies that showed interest to a young man in a chafing judge's uniform. Enjoying how that number skyrocketed when he made a career change. The first large treasure he had stolen, the day an enticingly attractive but incredibly self-righteous Princess demanded that he steal her…

"Balthier!"

Seeing that Rozarrian Desert Racer in Sir Merritt's hangar…

"BALTHIER!"

He was startled out of his flashes of life by said Princess, her grip on his hand bordering on bone breakingly tight. Apparently Ba'Gamnan had been generous enough to offer him a chance to say his final words. The breeze from the nothing below him was preventing him from speaking, something that was very rare.

"We don't have all day, Balthier. If you wish to go to your death without one last quip, that is fine by me," the hideous Bangaa uttered. He raised his hand, and his crew let them slide through their grasp a bit, their feet now clearly extended out of the mine shaft and dangling in the atmosphere.

Ashe squealed in a very un-Ashelike manner, and he swore that she was truly going to break his hand before they plummeted to their undignified and disappointing deaths. "Balthier, say something!" she demanded, her feet reaching back to lock around his ankles in the air. Perhaps she was going to position herself so that when they finally smacked into the ground, she would use him as a cushion.

He opened his mouth and willed something clever to emerge from it. "Uh…when all is said and done, the women of Ivalice will rue this day. They will tear at their clothing and uh…they will rip their hair out in mourning. 'Why gods, why?!' they will cry, 'why was this beautiful man wiped from the slate of history…"

"Balthier!" the Princess screamed, "say something to SAVE us, you idiot!" The Bangaa crew laughed boisterously at their bickering, but Ba'Gamnan's laughter was cut short when an arrow pierced his shoulder, and he fell to the ground.

The Princess and the pirate were dumped aside onto the hard mine floor casually, and the rest of Ba'Gamnan's crew began to fight their rescuers. He and Ashe were stuck on the floor and could not move, but she struggled against him. "Help! Help, get me away from this stupid pirate!" she cried, and Balthier never thought he would be so happy to see Vaan's face in his entire life.

The young man began cutting the ropes that bound them with a dagger. "Gee Balthier," he said with a grin, "You sure managed to screw this up."

There was the clanging of swords and the firing of arrows, and the sky pirate wrenched himself away from Ashe to sit up. They were all here! Fran, beautiful sweet wondrous gorgeous amazing Fran was there! She had shot that stupid Bangaa! And Penelo, oh little Penelo with her pigtails…and Basch. He would kiss Basch if he could. Balthier pulled the Princess up, and they added their fists to the battle.

Their friends managed to subdue the bounty hunter clan, and soon thereafter the four Bangaas were roped together and placed dangerously close to that same hole in the mine floor. Even Durio, still tied up by himself in the corner, appeared impressed.

Balthier scratched his head and looked to his partner curiously. "How did you…I mean, you could not have known we were…how did you get here?" he babbled incoherently.

The Viera exchanged an irritated glance with the knight. She met the pirate's eyes and glared furiously. "We came in the Strahl."

"In the Strahl?!" he cried at the same time as the Princess beside him.

Basch walked up to Balthier, his eyes narrowed. "The ship was returned within an hour of your departure from Balfonheim along with a…sort of ransom note for you. All they wanted this whole time was to lure you out, Balthier."

The knight looked about ready to tie him to the Bangaas and send him plummeting to the ground below, and the Princess appeared to be in complete agreement. Something came to Balthier then. "Wait a minute…so you flew here and…you were the party crashers!" he exclaimed.

Fran nodded. "Basch needs to improve his stealth technique," she complained. Basch looked away in embarrassment.

"But Sir Merritt gave us plenty of food while he questioned us," Vaan said cheerfully, and Penelo nodded in agreement.

The Princess got very much into his personal space, and she poked him in the chest again and again with her finger. "They got the Strahl back within."

Poke.

"The"

Poke.

"HOUR!?!" She looked like she was about to strangle him, and Basch pulled her off of him. Basch did seem to enjoy the Princess' murder attempt, though, and Balthier thanked his lucky stars that things seemed to be resolving themselves.

"So what do we do with this crew?" Penelo asked, withholding a giggle at the scene in front of her.

Balthier turned to Ba'Gamnan, who was wincing in pain at the arrow wound Fran had inflicted. "So the tables have turned yet again, Ba'Gamnan. Do YOU have any final words now?" he asked triumphantly.

The Bangaa sneered at him. "One of these days, Balthier. I swear that my blade will find a place in your arrogant pirate back!" The sky pirate laughed and kicked the Bangaa in the gut, and he tumbled backwards into the rest of his crew.

They lost their footing, and the four bounty hunters plummeted through the hole in the mine shaft, their cries echoing upward until they faded away. Balthier turned around to face the angry faces of his party once again. "What? The threat is over, and we have the ship back. Can't we just move on?"

Five pairs of fists were clenched, and he knew that the Princess would mar his face first. He held his hands up defensively. "Okay, fine. Mistakes were made!" he admitted.

Everyone turned around and headed to the mine exit, most of them shaking their heads in frustration. Balthier snorted. No harm done and he would be happy to get back to his ship. And from there, they could face even greater peril in the form of Vayne Solidor and his Bahamut. Great.

"Wait! Balthier!"

The sky pirate sighed and turned around. "What do you want, Durio?"

The ginger fool looked to him pleadingly. "Come on, you can't blame me for taking their offer, can you? Let me come with you! You can't leave me here!"

Balthier scowled at him. "I don't think so. No, I think you'll just have to practice shouting. I'm sure a miner crew will be down here one of these days." He turned back to follow his party.

"Aw, come on, Balthier! Don't do this! I was a pawn in this!" The sky pirate chuckled to himself as Durio's whiny voice gradually diminished in the darkness.

There was a knock on his cabin door, and he knew exactly who it was. "Come in, Princess," he called. He had finally managed to clean all the bat filth from his clothes, and he enjoyed the feeling of a fresh pair of trousers and a nice crisp shirt.

Ashe entered and shut the door behind her, and she was also clean. He had enjoyed listening to her grumbling in the shower adjacent to his room, her language peppered with curses that were mostly directed at him. She held a piece of paper in her hand, and she waved it in his face.

"I don't suppose you'd like to see the ransom note that Ba'Gamnan left for Fran and Basch," she said with a smirk.

He snatched the paper from her hand.

Greetings friends!

Sincerest apologies for the run around on all this. But it's Balthier we want, not the Strahl. That ship will fall apart one of these days, mark my words. There's no scrap yard from here to Jahara that would take that piece of crap. So that yammering pirate idiot will learn what happens when you cross me. Please send an address in reply so we can send his remains somewhere.

Ba'Gamnan

Balthier crumbled the paper in his fist. "It would appear that Ba'Gamnan has taken calligraphy lessons, bless his lizard heart." He flung the note into a corner. "Have you come here to cuss me out, Princess? Or do you prefer doing so in front of everyone else? I'd be happy to go up to the cockpit so you can do that."

She crossed her arms. "No, I think I've been unfair. There really was no way you could have known what his crew was doing. Your plan to infiltrate the ball was…"

He leered at her. "Was what? Was what, Princess?"

Ashe sighed. "Your plan was a good idea," she admitted quietly.

"Ha!" he shouted in reply, sticking his finger in her face. "I knew it! All the complaining was your way of denying your true attraction to me!"

She rolled her eyes and looked up at him, daring him to continue waving his finger in her royal face. "Well, it's over, and we have something more important to focus on right now. So I've come to ask you to please revert to our professional relationship. We are no longer playing your silly pirate game, and you will not behave as if you are my lover..."

The Princess opened her mouth to continue, but before she could protest, he was on her like a chocobo on gysahl greens. He pushed her back against his door, a satisfying smack as her bottom collided with the wooden door. "Mmmfmmmbalthier…" she sighed against him as he stole dozens of kisses from her. Her hands were pressed against his chest, alternating between gripping his shoulders in pleasure and trying to shove him away in irritation.

His lips blazed a trail down her neck, and he thanked the wardrobe gods above that she hadn't worn that foofy collar. He nipped at her skin with his teeth, and she yelped in surprise. "Balthier, stop!" she moaned and tried desperately to push him off of her. He then appeared to hit a good spot on her collarbone with his tongue, and she pulled him back with a cry of delight. "Balthier, don't stop!"

He had already tugged her skirt to her knees and was feeling his way up her peculiar blouse when there was a noisy knock on the door. "Cut it out! That's so gross!" Vaan's voice called through the door.

"I am consummating this marriage, gods damn it!" he called out loudly. He returned his mouth to varying points of the Princess' upper body as he began to unzip his trousers. Ashe finally pushed him away from her and began readjusting her clothes, panting heavily.

Her face was bright pink, and her eyes were dazed as she tugged her skirt back up to her hips. "This is…I am…I…" He caught his breath and winked at her wickedly. She scowled and zipped his pants for him. "Divorce, Balthier. Effective immediately."

She pulled the door open, and Balthier saw a disgusted Vaan, an amused Penelo, an annoyed Fran, and a Basch with undeniably murderous intent all gathered in the narrow hallway. Ashe stormed out, and Balthier grinned widely at the gathered crowd in his hall.

"We got the Strahl back. Mission accomplished! Now go away…"

He slammed the door in their collective faces and sat down on his bed. Balthier laughed heartily as the Strahl glided through the clouds. He thought about the look of lust in the Princess' eyes, and he smiled. Mission definitely accomplished.

THE END!