So much darkness. So much pain. He tried to walk, but his legs had long since lost the energy. He tried to look left and right, but his head wouldn't move, and it felt as though thousands of thorns had caught in his hair. He couldn't shake them free. He just became more and more tangled, with every movement, every breath, every thought. The thorns were on fire, or so he believed - or perhaps it was his head that was burning. Perhaps it was both. Neither made much sense, but then nothing else did either. All of his points of reference had gone.
He thought that he had heard people calling his name at one point. Familiar voices? Possibly. Nothing seemed very familiar anymore, including his own name; but he thought that it was him they were calling. Faces went with the voices - a woman, cheerful, open; a man... a man with a smile and layers that needed exploring. But why did he see them in his mind half-clothed in metal, with dead and empty eyes, and grasping hands? And why couldn't he remember their names? He tried to reach out to them, but they were too far away, and he couldn't move his hands. The fire, of course. Had it burnt right through him now? Would he ever move again? He made one last attempt to reach out to his friends, but they seemed to have disappeared. He couldn't hear them anymore. Couldn't hear anything anymore. There was nothing but the fire now, like lightning and explosions and laser knives, cutting his brain in half. Cutting deep inside his mind. Slicing on and on until nothing but madness was left.
XXXXXXXXXX
It took three attempts to pull out the pipe. Gwen didn't want to know what it was caught on, or what damage she was doing by dragging it out; she only knew that it had to come out, and that she had to do it as soon as possible. She told herself that Jack was dead, and that he wouldn't feel it; that the damage would heal, and he would be alright again - but the sounds that the pipe made on its journey through his torso made her stomach heave. It didn't help that the hybrid woman was lying so close by, twitching and jerking, and occasionally managing a blood-choked sob. Her eyes were open, and she seemed to be watching, but Gwen couldn't tell if there was any real awareness left. She hoped not, but the occasional blink, the occasional ghost of a facial expression suggested that there was something going on in her mind. She wondered if it hurt to have your brain eaten away; if the woman could feel the teeth of the alien snakes, and if she was still capable of any degree of thought or fear. She decided that she didn't want to know - any more than she wanted to know if Jack was aware of what was happening to him now. All she could do was concentrate on her task, struggling to keep hold of the pipe, and fighting it every inch of the way.
"Jack?" She was calling to him as soon as the pipe was clear, even though there was a gaping hole in his side, and another in his chest, and goodness knew what sort of a mess in between. "Jack?" But there was no answer, and no movement, and no gasping breath of resurrection. Just the scuffling of a woman not yet allowed to die. Other movements caught at her attention occasionally - Ianto, she thought, with a twinge of guilt. But what could she do for him? His body convulsed occasionally, as the wires did strange electronic things to his brain, but she couldn't help him. She didn't know how to free him. All that she could do was wait for Jack to come back to her, and hope that when he did he would know what to do. The minutes were ticking away, though, and surely the moment of the snakes' birth must be creeping ever closer? When that time came they would all be eaten, if somebody had not thought of a way to stop them. She shook Jack's shoulder, and willed him back to life. Was there less blood now? Was the hole in his side smaller? She couldn't tell. And nearby the woman was beginning to cry, and Ianto was muttering something indistinct, and she knew that she should be doing something for both of them. Putting the woman out of her misery? But how, if only the snakes could kill her? And she wasn't sure that she was able to do such a thing anyway. And Ianto... Hopeless, helpless, she buried her head in her arms, and tried not to give in to her despair. There had to be something. There had to be. She didn't like to think that she might be prepared to give up.
"What... what's happening?" In an explosion of gasping and coughing, Jack forced the question out. It came with a thin stream of blood, and a groan of such obvious pain that Gwen felt a burst of irrational guilt. She leant over him, but he was fighting her, struggling against her calming hands, and trying to sit up.
"Take it easy," she told him, even though she had been wishing just moments ago that he would do something. "You need to rest."
"Rest? Are you kidding?" The words sounded painful; his throat seemed raw. Each breath sounded tortured, as though his insides were still struggling to heal themselves. He pressed one hand to the left side of his chest, and choked back a sob. "Feels like everything got torn up. I... I don't remember it hurting this much in a long time. Can't see much."
"I'm surprised you're moving yet. You look..." She let the words trail off. It was hard to know what to say to a man who had just returned from death - and a violent death at that. Were there protocols for such occasions? Probably. Somewhere. He managed a haggard grin.
"Tell me the truth, Gwen Cooper. How do I look?" She had to laugh then.
"Bloody lovely. But Jack..."
"Yeah. Mad woman. Snakes. I know." He drew in several deep breaths, clearly feeling his strength return. "Ianto?"
"Alright for now, I think." She shook her head. "Oh, I don't know. I don't have a bloody clue, do I. But I don't know what to do for him, and that woman's head is about to hatch, and I don't know what the-"
"Okay." He coughed one last time, and wiped the blood from his mouth with the back of one hand. "Snakes first, Ianto later." He forced himself to his feet with a clearly painful effort, and she hurried to support him. "Don't suppose you've got glass-coated exploding bullets on you?"
"Does anybody on Earth have any?"
"Probably not, no." He leant on her as they crossed the short distance to the place where the woman still lay. She stared up at them as they approached, but when her mouth tried to form sounds, nothing but trickles of blood came forth. It seemed to Gwen that the twitching was more powerful than before. More like convulsions now, and almost constant. Jack crouched down beside her, and checked her pulse.
"Is she aware of all of this?" asked Gwen. Jack didn't answer immediately, apparently preoccupied by the throbbing skull. He touched it delicately, and winced.
"I think so," he said in the end, then shrugged. "The snakes are still bridging the gaps in her brain. Until they get past a certain point, she's aware to a degree, yes."
"Then she can hear us?"
"Probably." He straightened up, clearly still in pain. "She's not likely to be a threat anymore, though. She can't do anything right now but lie there and twitch."
"I can see that. I was worried... I mean..."
"Save your sympathy. It won't help her now." He looked around, taking stock of their surroundings. So much alien equipment, but nothing like enough time to go through it all in the hope of finding something that might help. He shook his head. "No time for frills. Grab as many of these lamps as you can."
"The lamps?" He was heading for the nearest one himself, but his movements were still sluggish.
"Lamps. Flickering things. Come on, Gwen. I'm not exactly speedy right now. I need your legs."
"I..." She stopped the thought, and nodded. "Of course. Wait here."
"At least ten. Doesn't matter if they're lit. Just make sure they can be."
"Okay." She hurried away, tripping on loose pieces of rock, grabbing the lamps wherever they lay. There was certainly no shortage of them, and most sloshed when she picked them up, showing that they still held plenty of fuel. When her arms were full, she hurried back, to find Jack crouched once again beside the twitching woman. The strange floral scent of the white fuel was strong, but strangely different to before. Gwen went to him, and set the lamps down.
"Do you want me to light them?" she asked. He shook his head.
"Just open them. And quick. I don't think we've got much time."
"Open them? Why would I...?" Only then did she notice that the woman's hair was wet, and she realised why the smell of the fuel was different this time. It wasn't the infusing scent of heated oil drifting into the air. It was the neat smell of the liquid itself. "Jack! Jack, she's still alive!"
"Yeah. And if you want to stay that way yourself, you won't argue. I can't save her, but I think I can save us. Those things will kill us in a moment, and then finish that beacon. And who's going to stop them with us dead? Or you and Ianto dead, and me..." He shrugged. "Whatever. I'm sorry. I don't have any choice."
"But this?" She caught his arm, but he pulled it free with a sharp cold look.
"It'll stop them, or help, at least. I think. I don't know, but have you got any better ideas, Gwen? You know how to stop alien snakes? Yeah, she might feel this. But she's past helping, and I can't think about her now. Now give me those lamps." Mechanically she handed him the first one, but backed away afterwards, putting the lamps on the ground. He didn't seem to notice her withdrawal, snatching each lamp up off the ground in turn, opening it, and pouring its contents over the woman. It seemed to Gwen that the wide, staring eyes grew wider with each container of fuel; that the periodic whimpers seemed more desperate, more pleading - but there was no way of knowing whether that was just in her imagination. Only when Jack had dowsed her to his satisfaction did he stop, and take a moment to consider the woman herself.
"Jack..." tried Gwen, one last time. He didn't respond. Instead he pulled a matchbook from his pocket, and looked from it to the woman. Gwen could see the side of his face, by no means a clear view, but there seemed no trace of sympathy or remorse. Either it was all in his eyes, or there really was none at all. For a moment she thought that he was going to say something - but instead he stood up, and fumbled with his matches. A second later there was a tiny flame in one hand, and this time Gwen was sure that the woman's eyes were wider. She wanted to run over; to blow out the match and stop Jack before he did this; but she knew that she was just going to stand where she was and do nothing. There was nothing that she could do. Jack was right. Closing her eyes, she turned her head away, and tried to think of something else. Even so, she saw the flash when it came; the sudden burst of flame that flared up when he dropped the match, and the woman caught fire.
"Gwen." He was using his no-nonsense voice, and she knew that she couldn't carry on ignoring him. When she opened her eyes and turned around, though, she couldn't help but cry out in horror. The woman was thrashing on the ground, the flames engulfing her, her clothes and hair ablaze. Gwen started to run towards her, but Jack caught her and held her back.
"It's not what you think. The thrashing is because of the snakes. They're hatching. Think what that's gonna do to your nervous system."
"You're sure of that, are you? You know what she's thinking right now?" She struggled, but he didn't let go. "Jack, I-"
"You're gonna save her, is that it? Put the fire out somehow? And then what? I've seen this, remember? I know what they look like when the snakes hatch. They all thrash about like that. If she felt that fire at first, she isn't feeling it now. What the fire hasn't burnt away, the snakes have eaten. She's got nothing left to feel with."
"You..." She shook her head and looked away, not bothering to finish chiding him. He let her go then, and bent to pick up the metal pipe that had speared him before. It was still coated in his blood, still slick. He wiped it on his trousers and took careful hold.
"You don't think you've hurt her enough?" Gwen couldn't help saying it, though she knew that she was being cruel. Jack didn't answer, but his look told her that she should arm herself likewise. She frowned then. "The snakes?"
"I said we had to think of a way to hurt them before they hatched, remember? If we're lucky, that's what I just did. There's hardly anything left of the brain by now, and they'll have been too busy protecting that to worry about anything else. But don't go thinking they're dead. Should be weaker, though. In theory."
"In theory?" She found something that looked like a giant spanner, and tried to look ready for anything. Jack shrugged.
"They haven't eaten us yet. That means the theory's good, right?" He frowned. "I think." Carefully he approached the thrashing woman, and nudged at her head with one foot. The fire was dying down now, the heat diminished, and they could look at her properly without the flames hurting their eyes. It was not a pretty sight. The flesh was red and scarred, gone altogether in places, and naked bone showed through what was left of her face. Her eyes were gone, but still they seemed to stare. Gwen could have sworn that she saw the now lipless mouth move. A second later she was sure.
"Jack..."
"I see it."
"She's not going to get up?"
"Well if she does, we're screwed." He poked at the woman's head with his pipe, causing chunks of roasted flesh to fall away from the bone. Gwen heaved. Beneath the flesh, the bone was rippling, beginning to break apart.
"I suppose it was too much to hope that they'd burn to death too," she commented, as a blackened, snake-like head poked its way out of the broken skull. Jack used the pipe to haul the creature out, and dropped it onto the cave floor. In the grim light of a lamp and the still smouldering host, it looked wicked, but also rather pathetic, it's scorched skin smoking. With one blow, Jack crushed its skull.
"Part-roasted is better than raw," he told his companion, as a belated answer. "But they're still dangerous, so keep your eyes open."
"Come to Jersey, Gwen. It'll be fun. We'll chase some smugglers, see the sights, enjoy some sunshine... and spend the night in a cave battering alien snakes to death." Another of the creatures wriggled out of the woman's head, flopping down onto the ground. It hissed, bearing a mouth full of teeth, and Gwen hit it as hard as she could. It caught hold of the spanner with its mouth, and she barely stifled a squeak. Jack crushed the creature with three powerful blows from his pipe.
"You love spending time with me," he told Gwen, clearly unmoved by her sarcasm. "Right ear. Look smart."
"What?" She turned in time to see another snake bursting its way out through what had once been an ear, and winced. "Oh, that's revolting."
"Ya think?" He was busy poking at the mangled remains of the skull, trying to get at whatever other snakes still remained. "You should see what it's like when you don't barbecue them first. Little mouths full of brain tissue, blood all over the carpet..." A loud hissing noise interrupted him, and a snake began to slide up the pipe. Gwen made a move towards it, but Jack snatched away her spanner, and used it to force the creature onto the floor. "You don't want to touch one of these things with your hand," he told her, beating the thing into submission with an almost clinical precision. "You get the ear one?"
"Yes. Do I want to know what happens if one of them touches me?"
"Depends. But bearing in mind that they can burrow into your skin faster than you could ever hope to get them off... probably not."
"I hate you." Another snake burst out of the roasted corpse, this time from the neck, bringing a trail of spinal cord with it. Jack dealt with it quickly.
"Look on the bright side," he told Gwen, his smile typically bright. "You could have spent the day doing paperwork."
"Or the night with Rhys."
"True. But be honest... life or death situation or sex. Which would you rather have?"
She glared at him. "Sex. And don't tell me you'd choose differently."
"Probably not." He suddenly flashed her a big grin. "Although sex in a life or death situation? That's a different story. Actually it's quite a lot of different stories."
"I probably don't want to know. Just... did we get them all?"
"I don't know." He poked again at the woman's ruined head. "Problem is, they can get down inside. We should really destroy her whole body. Mincing would be good."
"You have a very different definition of the word 'good', don't you. And if you're seriously suggesting that we take her back to the Hub to dispose of her there..."
"No, probably not." He frowned at the body, as though contemplating the different ways of getting rid of it. "Acid bath maybe."
"Got one of those handy, have you?"
"No. Gwen..."
"Is this going to be some other revolting anecdote about alien snakes?"
"Could be, yeah." He looked up at her, blue eyes catching the light from the flickering lamp. The woman herself had stopped glowing now, cutting down on the available illumination, but relieving Gwen no end. "Does it look like she's moving to you?"
"You'd better be joking." She inched closer, peering down at the hideous corpse, and as if on cue, one of the legs bent and straightened. Gwen leapt back as though pulled on a string. "She's alive! But that's... Kill her!"
"I already did." He aimed an almighty blow at the body, but even as it landed, the corpse was climbing to its feet. He clubbed it around the head with his pipe, the makeshift weapon sinking into what was left of the head, and almost lodging there. He had to fight to pull it free. "There must be a snake inside still. Man, even I think that's disgusting."
"Don't joke about it! Kill it!" Gwen manoeuvred around behind the woman, smacking her long spanner down onto a bony shoulder. There was no reaction. The dead woman began to bear down on Jack, as though considering him personally responsible for her misfortunes. Jack dodged, trying to keep up a steady barrage of blows.
"What do I do?" asked Gwen, as another of her attempted attacks proved pointless. Jack shrugged, rather preoccupied now with avoiding the flailing hands of the dead woman. He swung his pipe at her again, but she caught the weapon and yanked it out of his hands.
"That's not good."
"Look out!" Yelling the warning somewhat needlessly, Gwen winced in sympathy as the heavy pipe narrowly missed Jack's head. The assault gave her inspiration though, and she swung her spanner with all her might. It smacked into the burnt and battered remains of the head, spattering the rocks with gobbets of blood, bone, and various things that Gwen didn't want to identify. Most of the top of the head fell onto the ground, and she kicked it cautiously to be sure that there was nothing living in it. Its loss didn't seem to have any effect on the woman's advance, though, the snake or snakes inside the brutalised body still clearly able to keep the arms and legs moving. Jack dodged again, but he was hampered by his desire to stay where there was enough light by which to see.
"I could look for weapons in all that alien gear?" suggested Gwen. Jack shot her a glare that suggested he didn't approve. Given that she was hardly an expert in alien tech, she could sympathise. It seemed to her that they were running out of options, though - just as Jack was running out of space in which to manoeuvre. Only when one last minute dodge caused him to crash backwards onto the ground did he finally yell out a suggestion.
"The beacon!"
"What about it?" She ran to it, although her first instinct was to try to help Jack. He was scrambling backwards, trying to avoid the flailing pipe, his eyes fixed nervously on the snake head that was pushing its way out of the woman's burnt and peeling chest.
"She plugged Ianto in it. I think..." He rolled to one side, and managed to make it back to his feet again, only to be knocked back down as the pipe finally made contact. "Turn it on!"
"Won't that hurt Ianto?" She was looking for an on switch, with absolutely no idea of what it would look like. Jack laughed, rather painfully.
"Right now, getting my brain fried before I get eaten sounds like an attractive option. If we're lucky he'll fry the beacon, not the other way around."
"And if we're not lucky?" She had found a switch - the only one that there appeared to be. It was big and black, and looked rather like it belonged on an electric kettle. This time the answer was just a grunt. Smacked across the back by the pipe, Jack had collapsed. "Jack?" He didn't seem to be moving, and the dead woman was turning now to Gwen. "Jack? Oh, great." Resisting the urge to close her eyes, she pressed the switch. There was a dull clunk from somewhere nearby, and without even a pause, the dead woman continued her advance. "Oh..." Somehow swearing didn't quite seem to cover it.
"Turn it on." At last beginning to move again, Jack struggled to sit up. Gwen began to back away.
"I did!"
"Oh." On his third attempt he made it to his feet, and stood swaying like an inexperienced drunk. "Damn."
"Plan B?" she asked hopefully. He rubbed his head, looking from her to the beacon to the lumbering host with distressingly uninspired eyes.
"There's one trick," he told her, as he began to head towards her, still clearly unsteady. "Never let me down yet."
"What?" There was a snake looking at her, staring out from between two ribs, its mouth full of charred flesh. Jack smiled, somewhat haplessly.
"Hit it," he offered. Gwen, trying to put the beacon between her and the dead woman, shot him a disbelieving look.
"What?"
"The beacon! Hit it!" He snatched something up from the ground to use as a weapon, and hurried as best he could to help her with the lurching host. "Now!"
"I... Oh, what the hell." And with all the force she could muster, she slammed the palm of her hand down on the top of the machine. It juddered and wobbled, something inside it buzzed - and with a flash of bright blue light from somewhere underneath, it burst into life. Nearby, Ianto began to thrash.
"Oh god. Ianto." Leaving Jack to deal with the dead woman, Gwen ran over to her young associate, looking on helplessly as he bucked and rocked on his makeshift bed. Sparks flew from the wires that sank into his skin, and his eyes flew open. "Ianto, can you hear me?"
"Don't touch those wires." Though his eyes were focused solely upon the dead woman, Jack's words were clearly meant only for Gwen. Her hands snatched themselves back from the wires like those of a guilty child.
"Jack..."
"Don't touch them! He's incompatible. With luck he'll burn the machine out." The dead woman swiped at him, and he lashed out at her hands with a chunk of rock.
"And then what?"
"And then we worry about Plan B." He dodged another swipe, hurled his piece of rock at the protruding snake's head, and finally, throwing caution to the wind, rugby-tackled the host. Together they crashed to the ground, rolling over in a tangle of limbs and scorched flesh. Nearby, an electronic scream rose from within the beacon. Ianto began to mutter and mumble, his head rocking from side to side. Gwen tried to still him; tried to make sure that he didn't swallow his tongue as he thrashed as though in the throes of a fit. Nearby, Jack was straightening, the woman held above his head. Her body struggled for a moment longer, then suddenly went limp, and with an expression of grim determination upon its scorched face, a snake burst out of her chest and headed straight for the nearest of Jack's hands. Ianto let out a yell; a strong, acrid smell filled the air; and with what was rapidly becoming the last of his strength, Jack hurled the battered corpse onto the sparking, spitting beacon. "Get down!" he tried to yell, though it came out as little more than a gasp. A second later, the sound deafening within the confines of the cave, the beacon exploded. Gwen threw herself over Ianto in an effort to protect him, feeling the ground tremble beneath her feet, and her head protest painfully at the noise. Only when she was sure that it was over did she straighten up and turn around - to be treated to the sight of a thousand tiny bits of a human corpse as it rained down around her. Her stomach churned. Nearby, sprawled on the ground, Jack slowly stirred.
"Ow," he said, with considerable feeling, then blinked around at the gruesome vista. Unidentifiable body parts lay everywhere, the strange mingled with the familiar, the smell disturbingly similar to that of a summer barbecue. To Gwen's horror, Jack reached out and picked one of the parts up, holding it aloft with a grin. It was several moments before she realised that it was a snake's head.
"Got it," he said, with considerable satisfaction, then hurled it away into the smouldering remains of the machine.
XXXXXXXXXX
Ianto awoke with a violent headache, and the urgent need to throw up. He conquered the latter, which was just as well, he discovered a few moments later, as he was lying on his back and didn't seem able to move. Gwen was nearby, smiling at him reassuringly, which for some reason he didn't find reassuring in the slightest.
"What happened?" he asked her. He had a vague memory of being lost in the darkness, and of seeing familiar people turned into Cybermen. If it had all been a dream, then it had been a horribly realistic one. She gave his hand a squeeze, which made him feel rather like a terminal patient in a hospital bed. "Where's Jack?"
"Here." Appearing suddenly on the periphery of Ianto's vision, daubed with blood like some gory nightmare, Jack Harkness grinned cheerfully, and gave Ianto's hair a fond ruffle. "Hang on in there a moment, would you? And don't try to move."
"What happens if I move?" For some reason, Jack's presence was the reassurance that Gwen's hadn't been. Somehow the atmosphere already seemed lighter. Jack shrugged.
"Not sure. Worst scenario? The top of your head gets ripped off, and your brain gets torn to shreds."
"Right..." Ianto blinked a couple of times. "So the weird feeling in my head right now is...?"
"A complicated network of wires, fixed into your head by a madwoman possessed by alien snakes." Jack's smile didn't seem to have abated. Ianto frowned.
"Okay." His head was throbbing. Beside him, Gwen glared at Jack.
"We need to work on your bedside manner. Couldn't you have found a better way to say that?"
"No... it's fine." Ianto didn't want them arguing. He had enough of a headache as it was. "But this madwoman. Are we expecting her back?"
"I'd hazard a guess at no." Jack disappeared momentarily, and Ianto felt an unexpected burst of disappointment. Seconds later the cheerful face reappeared, and beamed with what was probably entirely misplaced confidence. "Mostly 'cause she exploded all over the cave."
"Ah." Ianto tried to nod, and gave up. "At least that explains why it looks like you had a fight in an abattoir."
"Yeah. Not exactly looking my best, am I." Jack disappeared again, then reappeared with what seemed to be a gigantic wrench. It didn't look anything like the kind of tool that Ianto would have imagined being used to deal with wires attached to his head. He winced.
"Er... captain?"
"Yeah?" Jack used the wrench as a hammer, to smash something nearby. Sparks flew up, though Ianto couldn't see what from. Oddly this was not encouraging.
"You're not perhaps thinking of calling Owen? Or possibly a brain surgeon? It's not that I don't have faith in you, but..."
"But?"
"But that's a bloody big wrench, sir. And I'm just a little dubious about what you're going to do with it."
"That makes two of us." Jack straightened up again, taking a moment to offer his young companion another smile. "Some of the technology is organic. In theory, if I take out the right bit, the wires will retract, and there'll be no damage done."
"I like that theory." He tried to relax, though it wasn't easy with Gwen holding his hand. She meant well, he told himself. It was just that he didn't tend to go in for that kind of thing very much. Not with Gwen, anyway. Somehow they still didn't seem to know each other very well. It didn't help that his head was still full of images of her half-cybernised, tangled in metal and wiring like Lisa. Jack had been like that too, in whatever dreamworld had been masquerading as his reality, but somehow it was easier to dispel such images with Jack. Ianto closed his eyes for a moment, and tried not think about where he had been. Wherever it was, he didn't especially want to go back there. Odd, though, that Gwen and Jack had seemed to be there too.
"Is there any particular reason why I'm wired up like this?" he asked eventually, deciding that for the time being he preferred conversation. Gwen frowned.
"Something to do with her brain being eaten. And actually, it turned out to be for the best."
"Yeah. You were our secret weapon." Jack hit something else, and more sparks flew into the air. They were green this time. Ianto wondered if that meant anything in particular. "Your brain can cause one hell of a short-circuit when it's rigged up right. We should bear that in mind next time we- Ah ha."
"Jack..." began Ianto. The captain laid a hand on his shoulder, briefly, fleetingly, and then disappeared again. Strangely Ianto felt his confidence grow - at least until an almighty crash rocked whatever contraption he was lying upon, and made his ears ring. Acrid smoke billowed up around him, and a flurry of multicoloured sparks danced up into the air. It was rather like being trapped inside a firework. Seconds later, with possibly the most hideous squelching noise that he had ever heard, something slid out of his head. Lots of somethings. The sensation was impressively revolting. Strong hands gripped his, then, and he felt himself being hauled to his feet.
"I... eurgh." He sagged, head suddenly reeling, and found that he was being supported by a very willing pair of arms. They were familiar, he realised, though he wasn't used to them being sticky. He could smell blood, and something that smelt remarkably like roast chicken. Not unpleasant, though he realised that it was probably going to be ruining his suit.
"You okay?" asked Jack. Ianto nodded, almost sure that he had just blushed a deep red.
"Fine. I... a little wobbly."
"No problem. You're welcome to lean on me anytime." There was a broad grin behind the words, and Ianto pulled away, looking flustered.
"I... think that I feel a little better now thank you, sir. Although I'm not sure that I can say the same for my shirt."
"No, I think mine's had it too." Jack eyed his entire outfit rather mournfully. "And the waistcoat."
"It's certainly going to be interesting getting you both back into the hotel," observed Gwen, with just the hint of a smile. She looked shaken, thought Ianto, and he wondered what they had been doing. Whether he or they had had the easier time of it. Jack made a face.
"We'll worry about that later. For now screw the hotel. I just want to rest for a bit." He sat down on the makeshift bed that had been Ianto's resting place. "This has not been one of my better nights."
"Mine either, I suspect." Ianto hesitated a moment, then sat down as well. "I feel... something like a cocktail shaker probably does. Or would. If it... could." He smiled slightly. "If you get my drift."
"We do." Gwen shot Jack a meaningful look. "And somebody ought to do something about that. He needs medical attention, Jack."
Jack smirked. "Looks just fine to me." He nodded though, and rested a hand on Ianto's shoulder. "Strictly on medical grounds... stare into my eyes for a bit, would you?"
"Got a medical degree as well as everything else have you, sir?" Ianto smiled rather endearingly, and did as he was told. It was remarkably hard to hold the intense blue stare, especially with Gwen watching, but he did so. "Now what?"
"Ideally I'd get you to strip off for a full medical." Jack's grin was contagious. "But as it stands we'd better put that off until we're back in the Hub. And there's an actual doctor present." He seemed to come to a decision. "Gwen? Probably a stupid question, but can you get a mobile signal in here?"
She fished around for her phone, and tried it. "No. Too far underground I suppose."
"Yeah. Not really a surprise, I guess. Okay. Go on up, and call Owen. Tell him what happened to Ianto... well, as best you can. None of us is exactly an expert in this line, I know. Ask him if he's got any advice other than to take it easy. Then you'd better call the boat hire firm. The number's on the paperwork that came with the boat. It's... well, it's somewhere onboard. Tell them we'll get them their boat back as soon as we can." He frowned. "I think that's everything. "Make sure that there's nothing on display, then come on back."
"And bring some coffee?" asked Ianto. Gwen had to smile at that.
"You ought to see somebody about that addiction." She nodded. "Fine. I'll be back as soon as I can, but I don't think I'm going to be getting in and out of this place in a hurry."
"No rush. Take one of the lamps, though. It'll make the going easier." Jack reached into his pocket, and threw her his matches. "I've got a caveful of alien artefacts to think about. So take your time."
"Alien artefacts?" Ianto looked around, taking an interest now that his head seemed to be clearing. Jack nodded, getting to his feet. There were still twinges in his torso, but he knew that there was nothing really wrong. He at least was going to be fine.
"Not for you." Gwen was heading towards the tunnel that had brought them into the caves not so very long ago. "Make him take it easy, Jack."
"Sure." He held up a hand in farewell, and watched her disappear around a bend. "She's right. You should rest. Your eyes are good and clear, but I don't have a clue what just happened to your head."
"Whatever it was, it wasn't much fun." He smiled faintly. "But I really do feel fine now. More or less. Honestly."
"You look it. You take a licking but keep..." Jack trailed off with a smirk. "Well, metaphorically speaking. You're on light duties though. Until I say otherwise."
"Yes sir." Ianto gestured around them. "So do light duties include helping here? I take it that there's more stuff that we can't see?"
"Loads - but you better stay sitting down. It's not like you'd be able to identify most of it anyway."
"But you probably can. You can tell me what it all is." Ianto shrugged. "Might be fun."
"You think?" Jack flashed him a cheery grin. "You're a bad influence on me, Ianto Jones."
"I'm sure I don't know what you mean, captain." The young Welshman smiled his modest smile. "Anyway, I'm on light duties. I think that forbids bad influences."
"Only the really bad ones." With a smirk Jack picked up one of the pieces of junk that lay close by, tossing it to his companion. "Here. Three and a half thousand light years that's travelled, just to wind up in a cave with us two. You know what it is?"
"It's certainly interesting." Ianto turned it over in his hands. "Is it some sort of engineering tool?"
"Nope. It's a whisk. For cooking." Jack shrugged. "Aliens like omelettes too; there's your random fact for the day. Still think this is gonna be fun?"
"Yes." Ianto couldn't hide his enthusiasm, or his inexplicable delight. This seemed a far better way of learning about aliens than fighting them in rainy Cardiff alleyways. "What's next?"
"You're weird, you know that?" Jack picked up another object, and threw it into the waiting hands. "Alarm clock. From Gerosa, a little world right on the other side of the galaxy. Seventeen moons, and all of them visible with the naked eye."
"Nice, is it?" Ianto turned the clock over in his hands, wondering at the alien script. Jack smirked.
"How would I know?"
"I can't imagine." They shared a smile that lingered enjoyably, until Jack bent to pick up something else.
"Here. Medical scanner. Seems to be broken. And this is more Gerosan tech. Think of it as an ipod, but with no need for headphones. And here..." He picked up something grey, and threw it over. "Partial trilobite fossil. Been lying on this cave floor for around two hundred and fifty million years, and it's the weirdest-looking son of a bitch I've seen in a long time. Doesn't have to be alien to be interesting."
"Fair point, sir." Ianto turned it over in his hands, rather charmed by it. Jack smiled at his bent head.
"So am I boring you yet?"
"No. Sorry." Ianto flashed him a quick smile. "Actually, I think I'm good for a few more hours yet. Turns out I'm a bit of a geek."
"There's a lot of it about." Jack shrugged. "Well, we got a while until Gwen gets back. Just remember you're supposed to be taking it easy."
"I'll be as good as gold, Jack. Promise."
"I don't think we need go that far." Jack flashed him another wicked grin. "Alright, Ianto Jones. Let's see what we got."
THE END