Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto, nor ever will.

Icha Icha Naruto Chapter 2

Hatake Kikaki's face lit up in a bright concealed smile.

Uchiha Satsuki's eyes blazed with passion.

Haruno Sakura's senses were filled with keen determination.

Uzumaki Naruto… held his head in despair.

And pain.

This was going to end up on the Wall of Infamous Slaughters; he just knew it. There would be nowhere to hide from it, and there would definitely be no way in the name of God or the world that he would be able to run away from the doom that the situation had spelled out for him. The day was fine, no doubts about that, and there was definitely nothing wrong with his being; he was in perfect health. And had been for the good twelve years of his life.

But looking to his left, however, and then straight ahead, he knew doom was inevitable for his orange-clad being.

'Well, lookie what he have here; fresh meat for the grinder.' Hatake Kikaki, who was now his Jounin Captain, rubbed her hands together in glee, a visible grin underneath the navy-blue facemask that adorned her face.

To his right, one of his friends, Haruno Sakura, gulped visibly, before casting a vibe of worry and despair.

'Nah, jus' kiddin'!' Kikaki said, raising her hands in a gesture to placate the present semi-teens. Naruto fought the urge to rolls his eyes, because he knew that if his eyes lost focus, hands would wander.

Hands he'd rather not have touching his being.

'So, anyways, you three are going to be under my Command Squad, and I like to run a tip-top ship.' She prodded herself proudly with the thumb, and for a moment, her eyes flashed in the blonde ninja's direction. 'So, let's start with introductions; likes, dislikes, dreams for the future…' she pointed a finger in Naruto's direction, eyes closed in happiness, or… whatever else she was thinking. 'You first, bo-ya.'

Naruto twitched.

'The name's Uzumaki Naruto.' He started, as the heads of the present young women turned in his direction, 'Currently dead-last in Genin rankings,' Satsuki giggled, before being silenced by his glare.

And then winked at him.

Damn.

'Hoping to change that…' he mumbled, 'My likes…' he held his chin, before smirking, 'Money. And power. Lots of power.' He flared a dark aura, causing Sakura to move over one seat, just so she didn't get burned, 'I dislike…' at this moment, he glared at Satsuki, and then at Kikaki, who both looked away whistling, 'Girls. Especially raven-haired pervs who can't keep their hands to themselves,'

Satsuki kept her hands behind her back.

'And silver-haired stalkers who shove me into their chest.'

Kikaki had the decency to blush. And then smirk.

Oh yeah…

'My dream…' the orange-clad teen took on a daydreaming expression, eyes closed in wistful bliss, 'Is to make one trillion yen.'

A moment passed before Sakura decided to hand over her opinion to the young blonde's wprds.

'You are one strange little ninja, Naruto.' She rolled here eyes, earning a small glare from her friend.

'Oh yeah?' Sakura handed him a look that said, all by itself, "Yeah, whatcha gonna do'bout it, bi-yotch?". Naruto took a tone, much like a high-pitched woman's between the age of twenty-three and one-hundred and three. 'Dear Diary… I was walking down the street when suddenly I felt something drip inbetween my-'

'Fine! You win!' Sakura slapped her hands over Naruto's mouth, face a deep red and sweat glands making ends meet.

Interesting, no?

'Alright, moving on…' Kikaki looked to Sakura, who had turned from red back to her usual complexion upon address.

'My name's Haruno Sakura. You all probably know my great-grandfather, who was Konoha's Engineering Pioneer, Shimahara Goyo.' Kikaki nodded.

Indeed, everyone knew about the person who engineered Konoha's structural base. And his son's equally legendary pursuit of the Haruno matriarch and ANBU Legend, Haruno Koyuki, as well as their following nuptials. Without the following Haruno's knowledge and understanding of basic principles of the natural world due to the marriage, Konoha's security would have been ill-insured.

'I like spending time with my best friends at the local hangout, and training in my Sakura Jutsu.' She turned slightly red at this, before continuing, 'I dislike… or actually, hate the Ninja Basketball Channel.'

Naruto didn't want to know.

Kikaki was interested.

'My dream…' her eyes took a sparkle unlike no other girl, 'is to be as great a legend as my grandmother.' And then, she clenched her hands in anger, 'And also… to beat her in shogi; DAMN IT!'

And then, Kikaki decided she didn't want to know.

'That woman… I know she's cheating! I know it! She can't just checkmate ME! I am the GREATEST!'

Kikaki blinked, 'Sakura-san?'

'Yes, Kikaki-sensei?'

'You're strangling the bench.'

'…Oh.' She took a seat, 'Sorry.'

This is insanity. Pure insanity I must escape… reality…

/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/

'Hi, I'm Halluci-Bunny!' the bunny waved at him, giggling, 'Welcome to the world of The High!'

'Yay, I escaped!' the blonde male shouted in triumph.

'Oops!' the bunny said, giggling again,' You're not on drugs, are you?' the bunny kicked him in the gut.

Repeatedly.

'Back to the real world you go!'

'NO!'

/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/

'Your turn, Uchiha-san.' Yup, he was back in the Hellhole again. No mistaking it.

Only girls he knew looked that devilishly ravishing.

Somewhere far away, and perhaps would never be known, Kurosaki Ichigo sneezed.

'I'm Uchiha Satsuki, currently twelve, and thirteen soon.' She cast a look in Naruto's direction, who looked away, red blush adorning his face (As a side note, Kikaki twitched at this action), 'I enjoy walks in the morning and evening and tea ceremonies, and the odd sweet treat,' she winked in the blonde male's direction again (As a side note, Kikaki was mentally strangling a puppet with her likeness within her mind's depths), 'My dislikes… hm… anyone who gets in the way of what I want.' She decided, casting a look in Kikaki's direction.

Oh, it is on, girl!

'I dream… to be just as good, if not better, than my sister, Uchiha Meitachi aka The Raven.'

Ah, that explains the one-sided slightly violent and sometimes plain fun sibling rivalry.

'Well, it seems that I'm the only one that's left.' She took in the looks of her students, 'Hatake Kikaki. Likes boys. Dislikes men. Dream: to get married and live in a yellow house with a white picket fence.'

She grinned.

And everyone else blinked.

Wow, this is one weird (and rather unfortunate) day. First this, and then that, and then this… wow, this sure is a weird day. Hey, why am I repeating myself?

He would never know.

'Okay, now that we're done with our introductions, let us begin with another introduction: your real Genin test.'

'Huh?' came the simultaneous call from the only two rookie females on the team.

'Real Genin test?' Sakura looked worriedly at the Instructor, who was still smiling in the glory of it all, 'What about the exams we took? All those courses and all th-?'

'Those exams that you took, Sakura-san, are only to measure your potential to be a ninja in the real world.' Kikaki gave a "tut-tut" gesture, 'Did you really think that all you have to do is to get all questions correct and ace the exam? Oh, no, dear Lady.' She gave a dark expression at this, 'That is not at all what it's about.'

Naruto saw right through it.

She was just doing this for kicks. Really fun kicks.

Damn her. Thrice damn her.

'So,' she took on a cheerful expression again, 'please meet at this area tomorrow at exactly oh-nine-hundred.'

She gestured to a rather poorly self-drawn map, which had a label upon it, stating "Training Area Nine" and an arrow accompanying it.

'Everyone clear on this?' there were nods all around from the team, and Kikaki crinkled her eye in happiness.

There were nods all around from the group of preteens, as well as a smirk of confidence and a fist shaking in determination from Satsuki and Sakura respectively. Naruto was bored; probably being the only team member that had expected this coming from a mile away.

Looking over the horizon, memories came flooding back about Training Area Nine, where the good old orphanage playground had been, before it had been demolished to make way for the Training Area, and the orphanage's move to the Business District of Konoha. Granted, he didn't have many memories of the place, but he remembered having fun there, with the kind foreign matrons and the kids there.

He vaguely wondered if that stock of Explosive Notes was still-

Oh, yeah.

This was gonna be good.

She would never know what was going to hit-

'Alright, you're all dismissed.' Exit, stage- 'Except for you, Naruto.'

God, are you there? It's me, Naruto.

Sakura gave a respectful bow towards her Captain, and a proceeded to go about her way towards home, before Satsuki cast a look in Naruto's direction, and then a glare in Kikaki's, which plainly voiced her utter hate towards her new Instructor, and that under no means was she going to let Naruto stay within breathing distance for long…

Tomorrow was another day… to kill Kikaki and ravish Naruto with earthly delights.

Only fourteen hours and nine minutes till then!

She left, anyway.

Naruto wished she didn't.

For once.

Looking at his cyclopean Instructor, Naruto backed off, looking for anything that would serve as a means for escape.

'Well, it looks like there's just going to be the two of us, Naruto-kun…' she gave a grin, predatory, and a very deadly grin at that. He felt shivers going up his spine. Expecting her to pounce, he took a step back.

She leaned against the railing that overlooked the river below, eyes happy and expression content.

He took another step back.

In Konoha, no one can here you scream. Unless you happen to have huge lungs.

'HENTAI!'

…Bastard.

/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/

He hated women.

Hated them with a passion. First he thought they had cooties when he was a kid, and now…

He was sure they had Anthrax and Leukemia too.

Looking into his weapon's pouch again he sighed. Most of the arsenal that he had bought for the ninja tests had been fully used up by now, not thanks to the one and only Hatake Kikaki. Somehow, he just knew that if that woman was involved, it would inadvertently make him run out of either money, weapons or clothes. At times, all three. Frowning, he closed the weapon's pouch for the twenty-second time, and eyed the trail behind him.

After the twenty-three kunai, twelve shuriken and fifty metres of wire he had deployed there'd better not be a certain silver-haired, facemask-clad pervert of a woman following him.

Damn woman.

'This is why women are so annoying.' He said to himself, closing his eyes, and continuing his journey, oblivious-

He stopped.

Okay, not quite that oblivious.

There were only two women that he'd fear being cornered by. The first one (and more dangerous), was hog-tied to a bench real good (he prided himself on his knots).

The second one was behind him.

Damn.

'Damn.'

/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/

Cue the familiar rainbow-filled sky, chocolate river, men in rags skipping over flowers and skinny women taking cigarettes as they rested on the big soft boulders.

'Ohayo, I'm Halluci-Bun- hey! You're not high on drugs, are you?'

Not again.

/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/

Uchiha Meitachi was the most elite ninja Konoha had known since the Yondaime Hokage. She had graduated at nine years of age, gained Chuunin during the same year, made ANBU two years later, and one and quarter years into the program, had made Squad Commander. She was also known as a pocky addict, an otaku of unicorns and ponies, had been through several pet fish (two piranhas and a catfish included), missed the game-winning free-throw at the annual Kunoichi In Bikini Basketball Competition, kicked every non-related male in Konoha aged between 17 and 200 at least once between the legs and was well-known for her campaign of The Birthday Suit Legality Program.

And now, Naruto was running away from her.

Well, not exactly running away…

Ah, Explosive Note!

More like fighting on the run, we might guess…

Oh no, twenty-five kunais laid out on the floor to entrap my being!

Or just making a strategic retreat…

I want my MOMMY

Maybe he might just be biding his time…

And then, came the sound of several explosions occurring at once throughout Konoha…

And once again, Meitachi had missed.

Naruto flipped forwards, avoiding another volley of kunai and shuriken from the buxom and curvaceous raven-haired woman, before rolling left onto a building to keep out of her reach. This girl was fast. The blonde then proceeded to jump again, avoiding another trap set up all good and neat for him on the floor.

'You can't run away forever, Naruto-kun…' came the very, very sultry voice of the Uchiha heiress, as she readied another volley of kunai and shuriken, and then… the smile.

The smile that made Missing-Nin throw themselves at her feet when asked to surrender.

The only problem: it didn't work on Uzumaki Naruto. Not now, not then, and definitely, most positively and most surely (according to Naruto anyway), not in the future.

He was the man.

But this does not explain the fact that he was now tied up, kunai pinning wires to the floor for maximum tension, and the said wires wrapped all around him like a second-rate cocoon.

Upon realizing his situation, he knew it just plain sucked.

'This sucks!' he cried out, struggling against his bonds as the stunning raven-haired young lady sashayed her way towards his helpless person.

Yes, sashayed.

'Now, now, now, Naruto-kun… aren't you quite the slippery one?' she grinned, tipping his chin to look into her deep black eyes, as dark as a starless sky and as mysterious as the depths of the deep blue sea. Not one male, Meitachi had noted, could resist looking into her Sharingan-less eyes.

Uzumaki Naruto would have buckled under the intense pressue.

Uzumaki Naruto would have succumbed to pre-pubescent desires and become a man at the age of twelve years.

Uzumaki Naruto would have given in to the earthly wants of his biological needs.

However, a Kage Bunshin would just turn into a puff of chakra smoke.

Like now.

/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/

'And now, we are here with famed Arithmetician, Aruga Makigamaru. So, tell us, sir, what is the bitter notion of ironic frustration?' the reporter asked, recording device in hand, and face well-lit for conversation.

'Ah, it's a good thing you asked that, Reporter-san, Ironic Frustration is the feeling one has when… let's say, she (or he) thinks that she has something that she (or he) wants and tries so hard to acquire, and once acquires it, finds out that is not all it seems, and experiences frustration and temporary madness and instinct to kill.'

'Instinct to kill?' the Reporter chuckles, and the Arithmetician joins him, 'Wow, I sure hope that it doesn't happen to me!' he gave a small laugh again, 'Is there a cure for the madness?'

'Why, oh yes! All one needs… is sex!'

'Sex, sir?'

'Why, yes. Three times a day if possible. For example, if you're a male experiencing this, make sure to find a very attractive hot momma and proceed to do so (or do her) to make up by penting frustration. Remember, negative emotions are the world's greatest aphrodisiac.' A smile appears in his eyes.

'Well, that's all the time we have, thank you, sir, and good night.'

/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/

He was tired; dog-gone, dead-to-the-world tired. He hadn't been this exhausted in his life since… well, never. Those encounters with the women were nothing compared to the chase and battles that he had experienced today. And it wasn't even five o'clock yet. He sighed; spending the whole day hiding out in the male showers (in the public baths) to avoid death by cuddling and kissing and touching.

The males of the Ninja Village couldn't hate him more.

Not even if they tried.

He turned a corner, hands in his pockets and whistling a familiar song, confident in his ability to avoid anymore trouble. However, he wasn't even prepared for the next thing that would happen to him.

'YOUTH!' came the shout, and Uzumaki Naruto ended up being shoved into a wall, a force hitting his head equivalent to around an elephant or twelve.

His nose was hurting; that much he knew, and his teeth had been rattled.

Behind him, a young man was standing, grin flashing against the mid-day sun. He was clad in what looked like a tight green lycra, with orange straps of wool around his legs. He had round eyes (curiously; this would probably mean that the boy was a foreigner, or at least, have some foreign blood), eyebrows so bushy they could not be believed, as well as a salad bowl haircut that, whether intentionally or not, actually matched the horrid caterpillars that were eyebrows, set in an ebony quality. He had small lips and a small round nose, and stood much taller than Naruto.

Much taller.

Damn late pubescent stages.

'YES! I HAVE SUCCESSFULLY HIT A RANDOM PASSER-BY AT MACH ONE-POINT-FIVE FROM A RANGE OF TWENTY METRES WITH A SUPER KICK!'

And why the Hell was he shouting?

'GAI-SENSEI, I'LL MAKE YOU PROUD!'

Guy? What guy? Must be some random guy. Or person. Or screwed up person judging by the way this teenage (or preteen, Naruto couldn't tell very well) boy was acting.

He was gonna pay.

In cash.

'OI!' Naruto called out, rising from his downed position, and eyeing the green-clad ninja in distaste

Lee spied the newly-appointed ninja with a smile, before raising his hand to show a thumbs-up and a grin that could very well blind a whole army and make them retire.

'Thank you for your co-operation in my training!' tears came streaming down his face, giving a salute. 'You will be remembered in my memoirs as the one who assisted in making me a Great Ninja!'

Weird. Definitely weird. And strange.

'I don't care about your training, you idiot!' Naruto huffed, 'I'd like some compensation for that knock you just gave me!'

'Compensation?' the boy stopped crying (Thank God) and grinning, before flashing a bright smile again (arguably less bright, though), 'Very well, then! In my gratitude, I will name this move in honour of your name!'

Crazy. Definitely crazy. And then some.

'I don't wanna be named after some move!' Naruto said, his face red with anger and then some 'Gimme some cash!'

'Cash? As in… money?' the green-clad boy blinked slow-ly.

And then began crying again.

'OH DEAR YOUTH, NO!' he cried out, before shaking Naruto very roughly.

As in, very roughly.

'YOU HAVE BEEN TAINTED BY THE VICE OF MONEY!' seriously, Naruto was this close to running away in a cowardly, undignified, and of course, humiliating manner. 'GAI-SENSEI! WE NEED YOU!'

No, we didn't. But he came, anyway.

This "Gai" looked as though he had been dropped out of the sky above, and landed upon the street in a crouched positin, one knee upon the dirt of the road and both hands clasped into fists. He was-

Naruto's eyes widened even more.

He was a CLONE of the weird ninja that had started man-handling him! Of course, he was taller by a bout a foot and three quarters, was clad in a Jounin Utility Vest and had a much larger nose and much more narrowed eyes.

And then, he looked up from his position.

And then, he cried.

This was particularly disturbing.

'LEE!' the man called out (disturbingly), striking a very strange (and disturbing) pose, 'MY PRIZED STUDENT! WHY IS IT THAT YOU HAVE CALLED MY BEING?'

And did he have to shout (disturbingly)?

'THIS YOUNG MAN, SENSEI!' He held Naruto like an injured wildcat, shoving him towards his Sensei, arms at the blonde's sides, 'HE HAS BEEN TAINTED BY THE CORRUPTIVE POWERS OF MONEY!'

'OH DEAR GOD, NO!' again, did he have to shout (disturbingly)? 'WE WILL RE-EDUCATE YOU, YOUNG ONE!'

And now, he was in a (disturbing) bone-crushing hug.

'GAI-SENSEI! YOU'RE SO NOBLE!' the young ninja (Lee, Naruto presumed) cried (yes, cried) out, left hand balling into a fist.

Disturbingly.

'LEE!'

He released Naruto, and the Sensei-Student pair enveloped one another in a bone-crushing embrace.

'GAI-SENSEI!'

'LEE!'

'GAI-SENSEI!'

'LEE!'

'GAI-SENSEI!'

'LEE!'

And then, Naruto left.

Smart move, blondie.

/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/

He reached home without anymore interesting events occurring (miraculously) other than the lone training session, at precisely 8:25 PM. Inserting the key into his lock, he turned the knob, entering his home. The place was semi-clean. The couch was kept well, the coffee table and television were still intact and working, and his stove (brand new, mind you) was sitting there ready to be used. Usually, at this point in time, he would pop in a ramen (chicken, pork, miso… whatever) and just try to make himself a meal.

But he wasn't hungry. Too much energy would be needed for food preparations, and Uzumaki Naruto was the type that would slip into the covers in his birthday suit and just sleep. Lazy; that was the word; lazy.

L-A-Z-Y. Lay-zy. Disinclined to work or exertion. Faineant. Shiftless Idle Youth.

He was, however, in the mood for some company.

In an instant, he felt a tingle down his spine, and the temperature of the room, he realized, had drop several degrees (and the air-conditioning wasn't even on yet). His orange jacket was off now, and he ran a hand over his stomach, feeling the cold shives conquering his very being.

He very nearly groaned, but steadied himself against the couch, leaning on an arm.

A blaze of red chakra appeared before him, like flames dancing against the darkness.

Slowly, but surely, the flames began to die out, making out a form of sorts, before finally disappearing altogether.

In the place of the flames, stood a young woman, anywhere from early to late twenties, probably around 5 ¾ feet in height. Her hair was a fiery red, decorated with a small gold net of chain and tied up into an elegant bun, two needles with rubies holding it in place. Her skin was a creamy, akin to melted white chocolate. Her nose was dead-centre and very elegant indeed, with slanted eyes a deep red, reminiscent to that of the Uchiha clan's bloodline; the Sharingan. She had high cheekbones, showing regality in her expression, as well as power. Her lips were also a deep red.

Her appearance, however, also included some unusual features. She had fox ears protruding from her head, furry orange and twitching, with a small golden erring with a sapphire jewel in it, as well as a similar, albeit jeweless counterpart, piercing the left ear. She also had nine tails; nine bushy and 2 feet in length furry orange-red tails with white tips.

Around her neck was a tight metal choker, with a silver chain measuring several feet in length attached to it, linked to a bracelet around Uzumaki Naruto's right hand.

Her curves were what most women would go to the Underworld for.

Her bust was perfect.

She was the image of power, wisdom and strength.

She was of fire, now and forever.

She was the Kyuubi no Kitsune.

And she was naked.

Booya.

A/N: Hey, if I had the sexah Queen of Foxes all leashed up and tied to my will (and naked), I'd be happy too. You can now probably guess why Naruto isn't that interested with the women chasing him.

/-/-/OMAKE/-/-/

'GAI-SENSEI!'

'LEE!'

'GAI-SENSEI!'

'LEE!'

'I'M NOT A PAEDOPHILE!'

'WHAT?!'

A pause.

'I… think of you as a brother, Lee… I'm sorry.'

'But… those promises! You-' tears welled up, 'You're a liar, Gai-sensei!'

'LEE! DON'T GO!'

As he looked from the sidelines, Naruto could only say: 'This is so wrong.'