The scenery is just as Azula wanted it to be: red, black, nice and menacing. The princess sits on a bejeweled throne, the mail sack beside her. Ty Lee and Mai sit by at her feet.

AZULA: Greetings commoners! Due to the well-deserved accolades I received regarding last week's show, I'm doing another. As you can see, the set is finally what I want it to be. Beats the hell out of Ty Lee's acid-induced Teletubby design from last time.

TY LEE: Sniffing. I really liked the multi-colored glass heart lights…but Azula made me eat them…

AZULA: Holds up another string of lights, grinning at her dangerously.

TY LEE: …And they were delicious. Thank you, Azula!

AZULA: Anytime, Ty. Anyways, let's get going. These pathetic letters won't read themselves.

Dear Azula, Why do you always talk about how much of a loser your brother is, and yet, he has a mob of fangirls after him and hundreds of fanfics written for him, and many episodes for him, while all you have is a city full of brain-washed losers?
Sincerely, Strix Moonwing

Dear Moon-thing, how in the heck is having a mob of overweight anime dork-ettes after you better than having an entire city of brain-washable people under your control AS WELL as having the means to brainwash them into obedience?

Oh, and about the fanfics… I read a couple of these Zuko-related fanfics, and I can confidently state that they are pieces of literature best reserved for idiots. Makes sense why Zuko stars in about 99.9787969880 of them.

This stuff should've been OBVIOUS in my opinion, but then again, that's why I'm the one who single-handedly overthrew the Earth Kingdom government and you're the one with a name that rhymes with "stick".

NEXT LETTER!

Dear Azula, why are you friends with Ty Lee. I can understand why you're friends with Mai (you're kinda alike), but Ty Lee? You're, like, total opposites!

Sincerely, Wondering

TY LEE: Yeah really… I wonder…

AZULA: Crams a string of lights in Ty's mouth. Start chewing!

Dear Wondering, I get that question a lot. It's a good question. Yes, I called your question "good". Don't read into it. Now, on to the answer. AHEM. First of all, me and Ty Lee are "friends" really only by definition. We're not very alike at all. Her favorite color is pink. My favorite color is suffering. She likes musical chairs. I like electric chairs.

But she's good at something I'm not, and that is the art of blocking chi. Usually I'd kill her for it, but it's more useful to have her around to do it for me.

And that's it. Really. Take that, Azula/Ty Lee shippers!

NEXT LETTER!

Dear Azula, what happened to your mother?

Sincerely, Where's Ursa?

Dear Where's Ursa, That's classified information until Season Three. However, that's a clever question. For that, I award you 3 trillion yen, which comes out to about 3 ½ U.S. dollars.

NEXT LETTER!

Dear Azula, if a tree falls in a forest and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound?

Sincerely, I Like Riddles

Dear I.L.R., first of all, you have no life if you're asking me this. Here's my answer anyway: Yes. I can hear it. I can hear everything. I can hear the shrieking terror in your soul.

TY LEE: That sounds like Mai's poetry.

MAI: Don't you have glass to chew?

TY LEE: Ohhh, but it's shredding my stomach and throat…

NEXT LETTER!

Dear Azula, what's your favorite book? I like Harry Potter.

Sincerely, Bookworm.

Dear Bookworm, I like books too, but not for the same reason. See, I don't go looking for fantasy worlds to dive into—my life is pretty sweet as it is—and so I read mostly non-fiction. But I don't really read. I stare at the books until they give me the information that I want.

AZULA: Well, I'm sick of these darn letters. That's enough for one day.

TY LEE: Internal bleeding…

MAI: Azula, please hand me the phone. I've gotta call 911 now.

AZULA: What do I look like, your servant? Anyway, that's it! Farewell!