Azula is in a hot tub, drinking a martini.

MAI: hauling in the letters. Sorry to disturb you, princess, but there are a lot of these letters.

TY LEE: Yeah, and they're mean, hurtful letters!

AZULA: Nothing a loaded gun can't resolve. Pass 'em over, Ty!

Dear Azula,
You said you don't love anyone, but if you're going to be Fire Lady, don't you need some heirs?
Sincerely, aniek90

Dear Aniek90,

It's true that I don't love anyone—as is usually the case when your heart is a twisted black hole—but I do acknowledge that I need heirs eventually. I tried hooking up with Satan, but unfortunately he's pretty busy now. You'd be shocked at how hectic life can be when you're the Anti-Christ. I'll find someone worthy of me someday and have my very own evil daughter. What do you think my father did?

NEXT LETTER!

Dear Miss Hot Head,

Why, yes, I do enjoy the sight of my typing, which is so pure and in place...which is the opposite of I feel for your face, which has one hair out of place. You should listen to those old women that follow you around. Who are they anyway? Are they your babysitters? Or, better yet, you're anger management teachers? Send them my regards and pity if they are.
PS: Yes, I'm sure you dance quite nicely when your hitting the cactus juice.
Most Sincerely, Strix Moonwing

Dear Stick,

---Sure, your typing is fine. How many times did you have to send it through Spell Check?

---Those two old ladies were ESCORTS. If you ever bothered to open a book once in a while, you'd know that in high society, having a young lady alone on a ship with men is extremely improper, especially if she is a beloved political figure such as myself. Plus, they talk in unison and in rhyme. Perfect for freaking crewmembers out on those long, boring nights.

---I do not do cactus juice. I take it you read the National Inquirer?

NEXT LETTER!

A letter for Azula:

Dear Ugly Sucky Toddler Who Sucks Even More Than Zuko:

You killed her. You just had to kill Ursa. Zuko is gonna kill you when he hears this...and this may be detrimental to your alliance with Zuko. How does it feel to fail? You didn't capture the Avatar, did you? HAHAHAHAHAH? You are aluza (your name-backwards). And have you read a fanfic by an author called "Defend It."? It includes "Azula" in its name. What is in it, you may ask? A surprise. And by the way...when you saw the person near the mirror that you admired...you saw the person IN the mirror. She was YOUR reflection! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA ...and was the electrical failure your fault?
HAHA!!
Anyways, just answer with your opinion on the fic I mentioned.

Sincerly, with planet-loads of hatred, and ideas to annoy you to hell, Dr. Nitro the Element Emperor.

P.S.: I have so much power I can destroy you in any contest.

P.S.S.: Your fire-nation tech, and fire-bending pales in comparison to my empire's strength.

P.S.S.S.: Have a nice date with Sokka.

P.S.S.S.S.: I said the last note because of a card you sent me. I even have proof! I mailed the card you sent with the letter! Just look. HAHAHAHA.

Dear Dr. Nitro the Element Emperor,

Woah! Forget what I said about Strix Moonwing liking to see her own typing—you take the arsenic-laced cake there, pal.

---Never said I killed Mommy. Don't assume. When you ASSUME, it makes an A-S-S out of U and M-E. Actually, just you.

---Yeah, it may be detrimental to my alliance…for five seconds. The second Zuko gets all mad, I'll just wibble and say "Oh, I'm so sowwie, pwease forgive me!" The idiot will forgive me and all be forgotten. You forget, the kid turned in his UNCLE in exchange for my pack of lies.

---Fail? How does it feel to fail? Sure, I didn't capture the Avatar, but I did what the Fire Nation army couldn't do in 100 years. I now control the largest city in the world with the full support of the Dai Li. I'm telling you, that sort of stuff looks awesome on a college application. Ah, but I'm sure you wouldn't know much about college.

---You cannot destroy me in any contest. I have so much power, I'll just stare at you until you explode.

---Your empire's strength? What empire? Judging by your username, it sounds like you own a discount firework emporium!

---I am not dating Sokka. I did have a brief relationship with Hannibal Lecter, but we split on amiable terms. Every now and again we play poker.

---I don't send cards. I use AIM, like every other twisted freak in the country.

Dear Azula,

You didn't seem too insane as a little kid. I think I even saw you playing with Zuko, once. Why are you so evil now? Are you emotionally disturbed?

-Random

P.S Tell The Real Ty-Lee that I really like her story.

Dear Random,

It's true—I was slightly less sadistic as a child. Playing with Zuko was rather fun. We'd play all of my favorite games, like, "Rub Deodorant Across Zuko's Tongue", "Rip Off the Butterfly's Wings", and "Drown the Mice in the Washing Machine."

Ah. To be young.

Evil comes with age, Random. It's always there, but it must be nurtured. I thank my father for helping me discover my true evil potential.

Oh, and I asked a psychologist if I was disturbed (at gunpoint) and he said I was fine. Thanks for your concern.

PS: The Real Ty-Lee (the girl who transcribes these episodes) is delighted to know that you enjoy the show. But she just types it down. Why don't you thank me, you ingrate?

Dear Azula,
What do you think of Azutara? (Azula/Katara)
Sincerely, Yuri Lover.

Dear Yuri-Lover,

I would love Katara… to be strung up by her ridiculous hair loops. So there's your answer.

I do, however, love the Zutara pairing. Hahaha! Revenge!! Zuko forced to breed with Queen Penniless herself!

Yes, I am a DIEHARD Zutara shipper! Hahaha!

Dear Azula,

Just for the record, I hate your guts. But you are pretty kewl for a bad guy-lady-THING.
Flow-Rat-Ava? Thank you, that shall be my new 'signing off' name. I hope you're happy. (I know I sure am!) But then again, can you GET happy?
Oh, so you can hear everything, huh? Can you hear your brother making out with Mai in the closet? I'd be thoroughly disgusted, but you can't feel that can you?
... Do you think you can survive in the world without servants and threatening to kill people because they don't do what you ask? Or asking Fire Lord Ozai to threaten their lives? Or anything like that?
P.S. The moves on the drill- pwnsome.
From, The Brizlack Flow-Rat-Ava
(You should eat applesauce when you get extremely angry past the point of no return. Or when you get thirsty. It's very thirst quenching. And addictive. You might like it. It might be you secret 'coping mechanism'. But then again, why take advice from ME- a lowly halfbreed wench-lady-chick?)

Dear Flow Rat,

---I can feel disgust. I feel it every time I read these insipid letters.

---OF COURSE I can survive without servants and threats. If neither of things worked, I'd just start killing people for real.

---Thank you, I was pleased with my moves on the drill. Then again, who isn't?

---My secret coping mechanism is launching animals to their death with the help of a trebuchet.

NEXT LETTER!

Azula-
Have you ever met my friend? Did you get tactics from her? Or did you electrify her to become as evil as you? Quite frankly, she's kinda scaring me.
Sincerely,
Danyan

Dear Dan,

I am not certain if I have met your friend. However, I am certain that if I did, she is certainly imitating ME. Not the other way around. If she scares you, don't ever meet me face to face. You might pee on yourself.

AZULA: Fetch me a Coke, Ty Lee! That's enough letters for one day. A COKE, not a PEPSI! A COKE!! I don't care if Pepsi is for "those who think young!" I'M IMMORTAL AND I WANT MY COKE!!!