AUTHOR"S NOTE: Thanks for all the gracious reviews! I wasn't anticipating

Today's set is… in the Fire Palace itself! Azula and Co. are seated around Fire Lord Ozai, who continuously passes them chocolate-covered strawberries.

AZULA: Greetings, inferiors! Today, it makes me proud to introduce my father and handsome ruler of the Fire Nation, Fire Lord Ozai!

OZAI: No, it makes ME proud to introduce my daughter and glamorous princess of the Fire Nation, Azula!

AZULA: No, I'm prouder!

OZAI: No, I am!

AZULA: I am!

OZAI: Oh you're so perfect! 3

AZULA: Thank you.

OZAI: Oh look at you! 3

AZULA: Anyways, today Daddy will be overseeing my letters! You're gonna wish you'd never written all those nasty things!

MAI/TY LEE: Giggle!!!

dear azula
Despite your numerous accomplishments it cannot be denied that you still have yet to manage to catch a twelve year old child and that if it came down to a fight of you against the dai lee you would loose if only because of their numbers.
also, you never answered about itachi, really i think you two have a lot in common. you're both psychotic, you both enjoy mentally torturing your brother, you're both nobility of some sort, you're both accomplished fighters. of course he 100x more evil, move intelligent and more attractive than you so maybe he's a bit out of your league.
sincerely
kitty demon

TY LEE: Oooooooh!

OZAI: THAT'S a lawsuit. Makes a tally mark on the "TO KILL" list.

Dear Kitty,

--The twelve year old child is the AVATAR. It's like telling Zuko that he couldn't defeat a fourteen year old girl, when that girl is me.

--Ah, but it DIDN'T come down to a fight with the Dai Li. That's the beauty of manipulation.

--I. Am. Not. Dating. Itachi. What part of "I'm already involved" is so hard for people to grasp?

Dear Princess Azula,
what is the first thing you're going to do when you're Fire Lady Azula
love,

Aniek
ps. Brunettes really are better!!

OZAI: Smiles pleasantly and chalks one up on the "SAFE" list.

Dear Aniek,

I am going to nuke Ba Sing Se and turn it into the world's biggest skate park. No lies. It's gonna be great.

Your Highness, or should I say your Royal Highness? (Nah. Until it's official you are heir, I can't.)
You love Zutara fanfics right? But in truth, who would you choose to be your sister in law? There are several ladies that are always paired up with your brother: Song, Jin, Katara, and sometimes Toph (my second fav. character next to you). And why would you chose them?
And yes, you and Zhao would've made a conveniant couple.
Forlorn Maiden
PS: You had better not die; you had better out live the Avatar, his buddies, and your brother. Also you have better NOT lose. Last but certainly not least, I don't think you're 'aluza'

OZAI: Oh, how adorable. She's safe!

Dear Forlorn,

--Hmm. I think Song would be best. I mean, I could get away with ANYTHING and she would just sadly sit there. Zuko STOLE from her as she watched!

--Zhao and I would have made a decent couple. Only problem: With his monkey tenancies and my dominating ways, I'd probably give birth to King Kong. I don't even wanna imagine that kind of labor.

--Aw, how sweet—I don't think I'm a loser, either. Obviously. I mean, duh.

Dear still sucky Azula that i still hate but not as much since she likes Dr.Pepper,

Hi wants up my not so friend.Can you tell Mai that she can't go near Zuko or she will be attacked by me cause i clame him with the help of my fellow ninjas and pirates and the few pirate ninjas.Also Don't touch my big bro Itachi or Sasuke cause they are both evil (sorta) and can blow fire and lightning.Also I would also like to tell you that I too can bend all four elements like Aang.Sweet huh?I still Hate you just so you know but just a WEE bit smaller. I can help you out a little bit by hooking you up with chase young since he is pure evil and can turn into a dragon. Alos what is your favorite animal NOT A DRAGON.Also do you like green apple soda? ok bie bie.
from the awesome person who loves Dr.Pepper and green apple soda rules all and is part dog demon and uchiha,Sakura
P.S. I want you to teach me how to jump as high as you without using airbending thax.

OZAI: Forget "TO KILL" or "SAFE". I'll put this one under the "PITY ME" column.

Dear Dr. Pepper loving whatever,

Concentrate and ask again. (Got that off a Magic 8 ball)

Dear Miss Hot Head,

Wow, great advice, you should become a school therapist, though they'll probably have to close the school down because there won't be any kids left in it after taking your advice. I still have no idea how Mai and Ty Lee ever became friends with you. Mai I could understand because she has a crush on your brother, but Ty Lee? Speaking of Ty Lee, I read in somewhere that Ty Lee was going to be in the fourth episode of the third season of Avatar, "Sokka's Master". It said nothing about you or Mai. Do you believe that there may be a little Ty Lee and Sokka relationship going on in that episode? If so, try and destroy it before it sees the light of day. Sokka's too good for Ty Lee...and way too good for you.
Sincerely,
Strix Moonwing

OZAI: "TO KILL"!

Dear Stick,

Heh. School therapist would be a lousy job. World dominator is WAY more fun.

--They're awesome fighters. They're useful to have as friends.

--"Sokka's Master"? Geez, these producers don't tell me anything anymore. For all I know, Ty and I could be tap dancing with Dr. Suess. And I'll be on the lookout for any Ty/Sokka action with my trusty flamethrower.

--Sokka IS too good for me. I need someone evil.

To Azula-
M'kay, got a couple of questions for you.
1.Why do you hate everyone?
2.Have you ever considered freaking counting to ten before blowing someone's head off, you angry twisted freak?
3.(Someone's going to shoot me for this one) What do you think people see in your brother? I don't get it. It's not necessarily that I don't like his personality (I don't) or the fact that he has a scar. But I just don't like him that much. Maybe it's the angsty attitude…? Oh, no wait, I've got it: he's too stupid to take control of his own fate. Stupid jerk. Just sit back and whine, that's going to fix EVERYTHING. Jeeze…
4.In correlation to the last one, why do you think so many people have the annoying tendency to give up/accept defeat like that?
As a side note, you're a total jerk, but you never give up. I respect that.
-Snows Of Yester-Year

OZAI: Hmmm… when in doubt…take 'em out! "TO KILL"!

Dear Snow,

--I do not hate everyone. Hello, I'm dating White Destroyer!

--I do not count TO ten. I count DOWN from ten. I love the anticipation.

--I honestly do not know what people see in Zuko. Seriously. Apparently Iroh sees something, but this guy freakin' sees spirits. Not a good sign. Not at all.

--I've never given up before, so I don't think I'm a good person to try and decipher human nature. Heck, I'm hardly human myself.

--Yes, I am a jerk—and I'm loving every minute of it. Yes indeed!

Dear Zula(ha zinged you again)

hi again, well i started my KankuroxAzula and I am havin a little trouble so in stead of thinking of my own ideas i take yours so: what pat name would you give Kankuro, how far will you lat him go and...hmm it seems Kankuro wants to say somthing
" How's this Destroyer hm, i come all the way out here and, i can't belive this. you should be greatful to be paired with me, and you do this, you know what i got fans to i got fangirls lined up across the street waiting for a chants at the kid, so how needs you, how needs you!" Kankuro falls to his knees in tears
Kankuro it's ok don't shh don't cry. Sorry Zula(can't stop it ha) I have to go help Kankuro right now coughhocough.

Ps. Ty lee said said you are a fat cow and i quote"Sokka is weak..does he even have a penis." unquote.

OZAI: Sheesh, Azula, I had no idea that you were stuck dealing with THESE kinds of nuts!

AZULA: There's a lot you don't know, Daddy-dums.

Dear I Eat Cats,

--I'd give him a pet name alright… how about Kanker-Sore?

--Might I suggest a sedative for ol' Kanker?

--Ty Lee has been sitting here all day and hasn't said anything remotely close to the subject of my weight. Although I hope she says that thing about Sokka. Or, if she wants to tell the truth, she could say that Zuko has no penis. Or anything THERE, if you know what I'm saying.

TY LEE: Quite unlike White Destroyer, hmmmm, Azula?

AZULA: W-What are you talking about?

OZAI?!?!?!?!?!

AZULA: NEXT LETTER!

Dear Queen Azula
I think you are an attractive girl. I want to know what are your turns on and turn offs when some one wants to take you out on a date. I think I'm madly in love with you. I you think I am afraid of the fire nation think a again because I am the prince of the Saiyans and my powers a lone can destroy a planet let alone your kingdom.

Love, Kaishin Briefs

OZAI: Hopeless fanboys! Muahahaha! This is funneh!

Dear Briefs (boy did I feel awkward typing that)

I'm flattered that you find me attractive—although I AM entitled to your admiration.

--MY TURN ONS: Strong men, men with sideburns, burnt roses, confidence and a "I'm king of this freakin' world" attitude…

--MY TURN OFFS: Whining, groveling, poems that contain "Lord of the Rings" metaphors, heavy asthmatic breathing…

--Ah, but you wouldn't destroy my kingdom with beautiful me trapped inside? Never mind, I'll just have you burnt at the stake anyway.

Dear Azula,
I have to say, I must congratulate you for your flawless conquering of Ba Sing Se...You are truely a great role-model for those evil geniuses out there. Unfortunately, I'm sure they'll be crushed to hear they can never be as great as you. But I'm sure you'd enjoy that.
Sincerely,
The Foxboy
P.S. - If you ever need highly destructive weaponry, give me a call. I can supply you with whatever you need...and for the low price of free.

OZAI: Hm! This kid's got a head on his shoulders.

Dear Foxboy,

Thanks for your kind compliments as well as the free weapon offer, but I already have a vast arsenal at my disposal. However, if you still wish to help out—understandable reaction—pass out free weapons to the people of the F.N. An armed country is a happy country… or something like that.

Dear Azula,
Hmm, a Big Mai and a side of Ty's? I thought McDonalds was disgusting, but now i'm never going back. ( Could I have a Zuko Kola please?)
You said you were incapavle of love, yet you said in the season 2 finale that you love the Dai Li's killer instinct. Is killer instinct a better thing to love than say, your hair?
From,
Ganthour

OZAI: McDonald's… eesh. Pass the anti-acid.

Dear Ganthour,

Zuko Cola? HAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Forget the Depends—I'd better just sit on a potty while I read these letters!

OZAI: Speaking of potty, Azula was toilet trained at age one and gave me no trouble whatsoever. Zuko… holy crow. Kid almost couldn't go to school…

Hehehe. Anyway, I do love the Dai Li's killer instinct, and it is better than hair. If I shave my head (horrifying thought) I'm still evil. But you can't replace killer instinct, because it's useful, it's supernatural, and it sounds like the title of a movie I'd seriously go see.

Dear Azula,
I was wondering if you could tell me the most painful and efficient way to get rid of the people who annoy me. You see, I am already the prime suspect in most of the police's murder cases and would like to know an easy way to dispose of the body without being caught. Or better yet, an easy way to wipe out the entire police force.
From,
Jasmine Dragon
PS: can you give me advice on how to take over the world?

Dear Jasmine Dragon (Uncle's tea shop??)

Hm. Painful and efficient don't often go together well, but here's some ideas.

--Cremation, vaporization, and a shot to the stomach. For your purposes, number one and three would be easiest—vaporization is a toughie.

--Taking over the world? You should read "World Domination for Dummies". What a fabulous resource.

OZAI: You bet! I read it and look at me now!

Dear Azula,
Would you like to join my Fire Nation rock band? We recently released a hit single called, "Ozai Inferno" and we need a new vocalist, as I was forced to kill mine.
Sincerely,
Invaderk

Dear Invaderk,

I'd love to join your band—it's been a lifelong dream of mine! I tried to be in a band while away at boarding school, but I had some major problems with them. I mean, the drummer wanted to do a cover of Nelly Furtado's stupid bird song. Hell-o.

OZAI: I love that song you wrote! Now, every time I enter a war meeting, I make sure it's playing! Nothing says "evil without compare" like having a theme song!

Dear Azula,

Did you know that you're ugly? You're NOT divine! My element is fire so I DON'T like watching water! That's like asking me if cats can talk. You do know that you basically forced Ty Lee to join you on your journey to capture Aang, right? If you don't know who Aang is then you're highly stupid. Did you know that you and Ozai have no feelings? Why do you want to execute your own brother? Having a cooler older brother can't be that bad. I feel sorry for Zuko because, he has to put up with you! Thanks for the scalpel idea, I'll try that. If I get caught by the cops, I'm going to kill you.
-ForeverCharmed109
P.S: Tell Ty Lee I said "Hi."

Dear Charmed,

Hehehe…cooler older brother… mmpfff!!! Cooler older brother?? Hahaha! Hahahaha! Oh Agni… Oh Agni… HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

-----Azula runs into bathroom. We hear the toilet flushing madly.-----

Cooler…! Cooler…!

OZAI: I think you should change your username to Forever Comical!

Dear Azula,
You always claim that you are evil, but there is no such thing as good or evil. The only thing in this world is power. It is true you have power, but you are insane. People like you have no honor, no matter you say or think. You think your better then Zuko just because you were better at firebending, but when I look at you I see someone who has no reason to think highly of yourself.
Lil'Pup

Dear Puppy,

Oh, but I have many reasons to think highly of myself, starting with my ability to pick a decent username. Not that it's any of your business, but my username on websites is Agni'sRoyalProdigy. Strong, powerful, gives a strong mental image. But you? Lil'Pup? I picture some little beagle pointing at me and wibbling, "You're a howwible monster!" Then I see myself kicking it through a Hyundai.

OZAI: Haha. Well said, daughter.

Dear Azula,
You're pretty awesome, just wanted to let you know that you have another fan out here.
What are your feelings on the other girls (excluding Mai and Ty Lee)? Many people think they're much cooler than you, but personally I disagree. Execpt for maybe Toph. She rocks.
What do you think of all of your pairings floating around? You've been paired with almost everyone, I think. Almost as popular as Katara is with ships...
Mai, how do you feel about the Zuko relationships? And Jin (the earth kingdom girl) kissing Zuko, and HIM KISSING HER BACK! -gasp-
Ty Lee, do you really care who you're paired with? And where do you have to poke someone in their arms to make them go limp?
Sincerely,
SylverEyes

Dear Eyes,

--Nice to know that I have a fan. Now I have 1 million, 300 thousand, 2 hundred and SIX fans.

--Hate 'em all except for Toph. Now there's a girl with stuff. I almost don't want to kill her. Almost.

--Wanna know how I feel about pairings? See Chapter one!

--Mai, do you care about the pairings with Zuko?

MAI: ZUKO BELONGS TO ME!

-Apparently she DOES care. Ty, do YOU care? And how do you do that limp thing?

TY LEE: I do care ! I love SOKKA! HE'S MINE!! And all you have to do is hit the person under the shoulder blade.

Daughter of the imposing and powerful Fire Lord whom I believe would be seriously hott based on what we've seen and logic and reasoning (because I'm so good at that),
You like chocolate milk? Cool. Me too.
Tell Mai and Ty Lee I said hi. And tell Ty Lee I really want her and Sokka together. And tell Mai that Evanescense rocks.
I, personally, think you and White Destroyer would be an awesome couple!
You know why you're so sadistic? It's because you're sad. See, 'sad' is in 'sadistic'; I bet you're really depressed deep down inside, so deep that you aren't even conscious of it anymore. I really feel bad for you. Both you and your brother. Your lives are so twisted and messed up... No one should have to go through what you did/do. It's... GOD AZULA!! WHY!? WHY DON'T YOU CARE? WHY DON'T YOU -FEEL-!?!? -sobs-
P.S. Momo asks if you take credit.
Flow Rat
(My friend has a word for 'perfect' people like you. It's ROBOT I'm a robot, according to him. But I'm pretty sure perfect people have the full range of feelings intended for humankind.)

Dear Flow Rat,

I'll tell 'em you said Hi. Oy! Ty and Mai! Flow Rat says hi!

MAI/TY LEE: Hi!

--Yeah, me and Destroyer would be quite the pair… that is if he decides to write me a letter sometime this century.

--Let me straighten something out. I do feel and I do care… just not very much. Hey, when they told me that grandma died (I was four), I sat and cried! Yup, you heard it people! I, Azula, sat and CRIED! For real! It's a shame no one caught my tears, because they cure cancer. Heck, I cried yesterday after Ty Lee pushed me into watching "The Notebook"! It's just that she blinked and missed my whole display of grief.

--Thanks for depressing me, creep! And tell Momo that I do accept credit.

Dear Azula,
I noticed you used the 'died laughing' smilie when you answered zutaraxlove's letter. Doesn't that completely contradict you? I mean--not only are you supposed to be incapable of emotion, but I thought you couldn't die either! Could it be that you aren't the real Azula?
Crapfully yours,
Xintendation 360

Dear 360,

See the above letter. I do have emotions, for corn's sake! And I am the real Azula! I AM! I AM! I AM!

-----Azula puts head in lap and bursts into bitter tears.  ------

MAI: Quick! Catch her tears! They cure cancer!

OZAI: Cry in my mouth, Azula! I'll be invincible!

TY LEE: Awwww, Azula… don't cry… you still have me.

AZULA: LEAVE ME ALONE!!! Runs sobbing into bathroom.

MAI: Azula is crying! The Apocalypse is coming!

OZAI: SHUT UP EVERYONE! Ty, go calm Azula.

A streak of lightening blasts the sheetrock in the wall.

OZAI: On second thought, let's all lay low.

TY LEE: No, I'll go help her.

OZAI: Until she's better, I'll answer the letters.

Dear Princess Azula,
OMG! You DON'T like eggnog! I'm just kidding! I like chocolate milk too. :) The national supply has ran out of wiis and I feel like I'm about to cry! What do I do?

Love, Stardragon

Dear Stardragon,

Get a life.

Love, Ozai.

Dear Your Mighty Azulaness
could you please send my friends and i Mai and Ty lee. We need Mai to teach my friend how to show no emoction.We need Ty Lee to teach my fiend mroe about chis and flips and stuff cause personally shes not that good at flips my friend not Ty Lee.
Your most loyal fan
Wheaty
ps.has it ever occured to you to take all of the be fongs money cuase my friends and i think it would be a good idea.

Dear Wheaties,

Get your own friends.

Love Ozai.

TY LEE: We've figured out the problem!

AZULA: Still in bathroom. Sh-Sh-Shut up.

TY LEE: It seems that Azula's got her period! That's why she's acting funny all of a sudden.

AZULA: SHUT UP!

TY LEE: Mai, could we borrow some tampons?

MAI: Sure. Hands her a box.

OZAI: Don't cry, daughter! It's not so bad! Just imagine how shitty Zuko felt when he realized that HE actually gets periods, the pussy.

THIS HAS BEEN ANOTHER EPISODE OF ASK AZULA.