AUTHOR NOTE: If you're submitting a letter, please put it in a review of the most recent chapter. Makes it easy for me. Enjoy the new chapter:o)

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God Help Us! It's another episode of Ask Azula!

The setting is in The Jasmine Dragon—Iroh's old teashop—which has been vandalized pretty bad by Azula and Co.

AZULA: You commoners are in for a treat today—we've got TWO guest stars today! To my left, my fuddy-duddy old uncle Iroh!

IROH: Is chained to a chair, but is still pretty jolly. Hello everyone! Who knew I'd one day own a teashop, have it repossessed by the Dai Li, and then be forced to appear on my niece's talk show? Fate is a funny thing.

AZULA: Yeah… okay. And right here, beside me, is my dear love Zapper9!

ZAPPER: Nice to be here, Zulie.

AZULA: That's his nickname for me. Call me "sentimental", but I enjoy it.

IROH: How charming. Who knew Azula was capable of love? Life is full of surprises.

AZULA: And Uncle is full of stupid rhetorical questions. On to the letters!

Azula,
They freeze your hair into place? Interesting. I love cinnamon lip gloss too. ( I am a girl by the way even though my name may suggest otherwise.)
Do you consider it an honor to be named after your grandpa? And what are you going to do about the invasion of the fire nation? Shoot down everyone with guns?
Until next time,
Ganthour

Dear Ganthour,

You're a girl? Woah, you sure have a feminine username. (/sarcasm) Oh, and they don't literally freeze my hair, it's more like a flexible hold spray. As for being named after Firelord Azulon, I think HE ought to consider it a tremendous honor that I was named after HIM. Or should… he's kind of dead.

IROH: My father was not be crossed, oh no. He was a good man and a good father, but Agni help you if you were disobedient. That was Ozai's problem… I reckon his rear end's never been the same…

ZAPPER: Nice mental image, Iroh!

Hey ok i got another letter 4 azula
Dear Firebending Prodigy wannabe,
are you a female dog? give me a yes or a no nothing else.
no thanks
jadedragon618

Dear Jade,

So you're asking me if I'm a bitch? Well, that is incorrect. I am THE bitch.

ZAPPER: Nah, you're not that much of a bitch… although when that period rears its ugly head… geez.

IROH: I actually saw part of that episode… Zuko taped it and watches it every day when he needs, as he puts it, a "pick-me-up".

AZULA: Oh really? I'll "pick him up" and throw him through a cage of lion-beasts. Then I'll tape that. Hope the irony won't lost on him.

Dear Princess Azula,
Raising heirs is one thing, but carrying the is another entirely. How will you ever continue to kick butt and fight once you're in charge of the Fire Nation if you're pregnant?
-Invaderk

Azula: Gives Zapper a look.

Zapper: Gives Azula a look.

Dear Invaderk,

That is an interesting question indeed, my invaderky friend. I cannot say that I have ever been pregnant. I do not know how pleasantly my body would react to it. In any case, I think purchasing a good set of firearms makes good sense—I won't have to move. Somebody pisses me off and BOOM! Hope I don't get pregnancy-related mood swings.

IROH: Dear Agni! And I thought my wife was a nightmare. Azula… that'll be HELL! Invaderk, next time you count your blessings, thank god that you're an entire dimension away from Azula!

AZULA: As for this next letter, I think Zapper (aka. White Destroyer) should read it to me.

ZAPPER: Okay. (ahem)

Dear my Beloved Azula,
I won! Your father was extremely impressed with my fighting abilities. He even had me write down how to do certain moves. I don't think I ever told you that I am a firebender. During the battle, I showed 4 moves I created. One lets you control an opponent like a puppet master using their own body heat. Your father wants me to travel with you and fight by your side. I will leave tomorrow. Enclosed are the instructions to do my moves as well as a 20- gram sample of the drug. Also, at the exact moment you finish reading this sentence, as I have had some of the drug slipped in the tea Ty Lee has just finished drinking, you will be able to control her movements. Remember 24 hours. Do you like magma- flavored tea?
Love White Destroyer,
P.S. Your father gave me permission to marry you. He says hi.

AZULA: Hmm. Neat. I can answer you in person. Hmmm, what to say, what to say! I guess I'll just have to----(Makes out with him.)

TY LEE: Entering room: Hey, guys, I've got a tray of Bagel Bites for---YEAH! GO AZULA!

MAI: I'll take a picture of this with my camera phone!

AZULA: Ohhh that was fun. Wait! I can control Ty Lee! Makes Ty Lee fall facedown in the hot Bagel Bites. HEY that's neat!

ZAPPER: C'mon, let's make out more! They do.

IROH: Hmm. They seem pretty busy. I think I'll answer some letters for a while, okay? (Everyone cheers because Iroh rocks your socks.)

Dear Azula,
Do you know anything about the IrohxUrsa pairing? People are saying there's no possible way Zuko was the spawn of Ozai, and that He's Iroh's son. They do have similar eyes. Or are you just disturbed by the thought.
Ty lee and Mai: Thanx! Long live Zutara and Tykka!
TeenAnimeOtaku

Dear Otaku,

Me x Ursa? Take it from me, Miss T.A.O., Zuko is OZAI'S son. I think of Zuko (that poor misguided boy) as my son, but he is not LITERALLY my son. We have similar eyes because we're related. Lu Ten (Agni rest his soul—I wuvs you son) was my only child.

TY LEE/MAI: Yay! Long live Tykka!

MAI: And long live Zutara---hey wait a minute!

Dear Azula,
thank you for the scalping advice throws up from the bad mental image. So, do you know how your grandfather Azulon died? was it natural or did someone coughyouorozaicough kill him? Also, do you know what happened to your mum?
from,
Jasmine

Dear Jasmine (I love Jasmine tea!)

I do not know how my father died (Agni rest his soul too) but I suspect that Ozai had a hand in it. I wouldn't put murder past Azula, either. As for Ursa, I sincerely hope that wherever she is, she is safe. Sorry I can't elaborate any more.

Dear Azula,
First off my name is ieatcats, not cat-eater, not i eat cat, got. good.
Now from what i you are 100 devotion to the Fire Nation,see i have a problem with that if you have 100 devotion to the Fire Nation there is no devotion lift for America, and that is not ok. You may be a fictional character in a fictional world, but that's no accuse you were made in America start acting like it, moving on.
You waste your time fighting the Avatar when the real enemy's walking around. Yes that's right i'am talking about bears, now they've already taking over Bu Sang Si, now if you watch the episode: The Earth King look really close you'll see. Masters of discise so watch out.
oh yeah Kankuro liked would to talk to you something about you being a cheating whore.
"Ha Azula it's you little Kanker-sore i-i miss you. The things i said before were little much so for that i'am sorry, but if i catch you with one more man so help i will have Karasu it Ty Lee's soul."
P.S
You misread my last P.S it was
Ty Lee, Sai said your fat and the thing about Sokka's penis. Oh and said my looks like a man and has a bigger penis the Zuko.
love Kanker-sore

Dear I Eat Cats (How horrible!!)

You are mistaken. We were not made in this "America" you speak of. We were made in the Fire Nation! And don't call Azula a whore—that's not polite and is rather dishonorable because you're not saying it to her face, and she has no real way to retaliate. And don't compare other people's penises to Zuko's—that's embarrassing. What do you think this is, college?

My, my, kids these days.

AZULA: Ohhh! Yes! This is GREAT! (Keeps making out.)

ZAPPER: Azula, I love you!

Azula,
Okay, I need some advice. There's this guy who has this thing for me and he WON'T LEAVE ME ALONE. He frickin' tries to feel me up! Hell, I beat him up more times than I can count, but THIS GUY WON'T QUIT! I avoid him, tell him 'Oh hells no, I won't go out with you,' curse him out, but he just won't stop! Is there ANYTHING I can do that doesn't come to the conclusion of anyone getting killed/maimed/physically scarred/moving/thrown into Juvie?
P.S. I have a recording of Zuko singing with his band- "Zuko and the Bearded Cats". It's really hilarious; you wanna see it? I'll post it on You Tube sometime this lifetime. Or I could email it to you.
From the distressed Flow Rat Ava
(The rat can't flow because you scared it out of him earlier.)

Dear Flow Rat (that's an odd one)

You should settle down with another young man. This obsessive one will probably back off if you are taken—it's not right to pursue a claimed girl.

My nephew has a band? With cats? (Sigh) He never tells me anything.

And don't be distressed. Have some tea.

To Your Holy Highness, Lady Azula Beloved Daughter of Fire Lord Ozai and Sexily Evil Femme Fatale from the Chosen Lineage of Agni.

I hope you receive this letter from this humble server, there's a few question that I will be pleased if you answer them: What do you think of the spirits? You must at least hear of them from your lightning training in that academy, and from those stories of the Avatar. Do you think it's proper to defy one? I heard rumors from the soldiers says that Zhao's disappearance was because he dared to defy one. And finally, if you have the blessing of meeting with the Sacred Spirit of the Sun (which, in my opinion, is even more possible compared to the fact of receive a letter from the Universe), the source of all the firebending, what could you say to It? It's possible to be speechless for a time but anyone would try to say anything, it's an once-per-ages opportunity.
But now I should finish asking and wait for your response.
Sincerely.
Astral Sage.
P.S: I almost forget to say my fortune-telling, the Fire Star is right now alligned with the Metal Star, with the Earth Star near to the Fire and the Wood Star in its opposite, so the War will affect strongly the Economy, lowering the land's prices and rising to the sky the vegetable's prices. So take note to this advice: Buy a giant area ravaged by the war (if it's a burnt farming region, better), send some slaves and peasants to work as slaved farmers, and sell their production to the market; in no time you will be able to buy an even bigger personal army with the gainings.
P.S.S: There's also a strange alignment between The Fire star and the Water Star refering to some Zutarian fics massive updating...

Dear Astral Sage,

Oh, you're interested in spirits too! (Puts away his Ouija board) Well, I don't know about Azula, but I can say with every semblance of honesty that I respect spirits very much. It is DEFINITELY not a good idea to defy and/or upset them in any way; the consequences can indeed be horrible.

Communicating with the sun spirit (Agni) would certainly be a humbling experience. I can't say I know what I'd do or how I'd react.

What fun! These letters are neat!

AZULA: Ohhh! YES! Ohhhh…. (she and Zapper go into another room and shut the door.)

IROH: Oh my, what could they be doing? (/innocent old man)

Dear Azula,
I have two questions. Have you ever had sex? If so, with who.
From, Busybody.

Dear Busybody,

Your username is very apt! I do not know about my niece's sex life at all, but…

AZULA: Oh Zappie! Oh Zappie! Ohhh! Keep going!!

…but I think it is safe to say that she has (or is in the process of right now) had sex. With that Zapper kid. I do hope that they're using condoms.

AZULA: Oh…!!!!

I think they've finished now. Hope that answered your question.

AZULA and ZAPPER come out of the room, all sweaty and giggling.

AZULA: Okay… okay… I'll do the letters again.

Dear Princess Azula,
Quick, huh? I'll keep that in mind for if my ex-boyfriend comes back looking for trouble...
Anyway, I have a bit of a problem. My brother's stupidity is really getting on my nerves, so I'll just out and say it: How should I kill him? Should I fry him to a crisp with my lightning, should I throw him into a pit of angry sabertoothed mosse-lions, what should I do, and how should I do it?
Losing patience with siblings
Dark Rose
P.S. If you will to, respond with EXCRUCIATING detail.

Dear Rose,

Don't kill him. That's too quick. Instead, follow my really good recipe of torture.

AZULA'S REALLY GOOD TORTURE RECIPE

You will need:

Several large empty plastic Easter eggs.

Your brother's favorite (small) possessions.

Two concert tickets to a really wild band with a mosh pit.

An evil mind (which I'm sure you have)

Method:

First, take your brother's prized possessions and seal them in the Easter eggs.

Second, take your brother to the concert. Walk up to the mosh pit.

Third, tell your brother that his possessions are in the Easter eggs, then QUICKLY throw them into the mosh pit.

Fourth, stand back and watch the idiot try to retrieve his things as he is beaten in the mosh pit. Laugh, if desired. Garnish with a pat on the back.

Dear Princess Azula,
I was thinking of creating a line of hair care products called 'PureEvil' (inspired by your flawless tresses, of course). I was hoping that you would be willing to do some advertising or be a spokesperson for us? The pay would be... massive (not that you need it or anything), and everyone who uses the shampoo would be transformed into an evil minion (with great hair). As an added bonus, you get to keep all the minions!
Sincerely,
Deliberate Mistake
p.s. I kind of liked the set in the first episode. It made you seem incredibly evil and powerful, in comparison to the flowers and rabbits and such. Much more intimidating.

Dear Mistake,

What a fabulous idea! I'd be more than happy to endorse you. Pure Evil… I love it! The massive pay that I'll receive can go into the Fire Nation military.

As for the bunny set, you make a valid point. However, you weren't the one cleaning up the rabbit crap.

Dear ultimate Princess Azula,
I kind of chose my penname when I was in my gothic stage. Now I'm back into the sissy coward I used to be. HOW DO I BECOME EVIL AGAIN? Now, on to the other questions- how would you react if you found out one of your childhood friends was an earthbender? 'Cause I'm writing a fanfic soon. What's your fave color- fave animal- fave method of torture- fave fire nation city- how do you tell the difference between Li and Lo- are you aware that some people pair you up with Momo- and you know you ROCK?
P.S. My friend wants to know- which is creepier: black roses or thorns?

Dear Thorn,

To become evil again, you need to use… (I feel a commercial coming on!)

PURE EVIL! The shampoo preferred by the world's most powerful princess! Being evil shouldn't compromise the beauty of your tresses! (Azula gives flashy smile)

Ok, moving on.

---If my friend was an Earthbender, I'd actually be delighted. I've got an Earthbender on my side! Just in case firebending somehow isn't enough. Initially, I'd be infuriated that they kept it a secret, but if they promise to still be my ally, I see no problems.

---Fav color: Red and black, as well as silver.

---Fav animal: Dragon, scorpion, snake

---Torture: Iron Maiden

---Fav Fire Nation City: Zu Khufu. It's situated in the far south of the Fire Nation. This is where the dense tropical jungles are, and this is where mongoose-lizards live naturally. (Remember my riding lizard in "The Chase"?) I was an exchange student here, and I lived with the Wa family. They were the breeders of these lizards and were also the people I purchased mine from. Zu Khufu is exotic and has fabulous natural fruits. I love it there.

---I really usually can't tell Lo and Li apart. That's why I force them to wear those nametags I made 'em.

--Ew. Momozula. And people call ME a weirdo.

---I know I rock. Thanks for the reminder.

---Black thorns are creepier.

Dear Princess Hot Head,
Wow, you and I actually agree on something for once. I need to check and make sure that the earth is still round and Sokka still has his sarcasm. Lol, anyway, I agree that Suki might come back in that episode or, if not, the episode before it, which the producers just revealed a couple days ago. It shall be called 'The Painted Lady'. The title itself sounds very Sukish. Since you, yourself, believe that Suki shall return in one of those episodes, does that mean that you, Mai, and Ty Lee didn't kill off the Kyoshi warriors? Did you just capture them as hostages? Or send them to one of the Fire Nation's prisoner ships?
Sincerely,
Strix Moonwing

Dear Stick,

I did not kill those girls. It's awkward to attack a naked person. (But they didn't stay naked. They carry extra dresses.) They were tied up and taken off by nearby Fire Nation soldiers that were stationed in the nearby village. I do not know what happened to them after that.

A theory I have about the "Painted Lady" is that Jojo character from the cards. Does she wear makeup besides the lipstick?

IROH: The painted lady, huh? I'd like to give HER some tea…

Dear Princess Azula,
Thank you for calling me Queen, it makes me feel loved. But anyways, if the person who writes your show is the "Real Ty Lee" does that make your perky friend the fake Ty Lee? I was just wondering.. Also, cinnamon rules, except for cinnamon candles, I hate those things. When's your birthday, so that I may send you things from my wonderfully random empire!
P.S. Tell Mai that the only way that Zuko would look at her is if she got a tan, learned to waterbend, cut her shiny hair, and wear blue. Oh and Mai, bite me.
P.P.S Hi Ty Lee, I just haven't said hi to you yet! How many flips can you do in a row?

Dear Queen,

Both the Real Ty Lee and my friend Ty Lee work on the transcript. The fact that the fake Ty Lee calls herself real is a joke, because technically we're not real but the author is, but in the terms of the show we are real and the author is fake although she's real in real life.

Got that?

My birthday is July 7, 1991. ( 7/ 7/ 91) Two lucky numbers in a row!

Mai says to go jump in a shark-infested pool dresses as a meatloaf.

Ty Lee can do six flips in a row. She also says, "HI LYKE HOW'RE U GIRLFWEND???"

Dear Princess/Fire lady Azula, a.k.a. best character ever invented and seen by a living thing on this earth.
Do you have feeling deep,deep down in you, even without your period? I'm not talking about feelings like anger, but love...and not the kind you have for White Destroyer. The kind you have for Ozai. Could you really ever bring yourself to actually end your brother's life? And what about your mom? And your grandfather?Did you really not care when they left or died? I mean...what did Ozai do to you? Give you specific instructions not love anyone but him and yourself?
a question from an over-obsessive azula fan.
P.S. you may have die hard fans,and cute little kid fans, but I am really an over-obsessive fan. This might scare you, but I doodled a picture of you shooting lightning at my English teacher. He was being a jerk. Is that OK?

Dear OCD Me-Fan,

I could kill all three of those people, easy. Zuko's a wimp, Mom doesn't care about me, and grandfather and I never really talked. Father took the time to nurture my abilities and respected me on my own terms. No one else ever did that. No one.

Oh, and I find the fact that you drew me killing your teacher REALLY funny.

Dear Physco/Weirdo,
Okay, just thought I'd tell you, I think your dad is a Girlyman! I mean, look at his hair. That's just weird. Ty Lee, OMG U R LIK SO COOL!11! Yea, just felt kind of chatspeaky.
Mai, your hair is overly shiny. What do you do? Paint it?

Dear Bored,

I hope you know that dad just heard everything on my speaker phone.

OZAI: You know, my wife called me a girly-man once. Then I knocked her up. Heh.

TY LEE: OMG U R COOL 2!!!111

Oh, and Mai's hair is shiny because… (commercial again!)… she uses… PURE EVIL! The shampoo that gives your hair that gothic gloss! Don't go goth without it!

Dear Azula.
You are indeed a powerful opponent, but can you defeat the following. If so, please explain. If not, than explain as well. I'll place my personal opinion about whether or not you'd win.
Slade(Teen Titans) You
Voldemort (Harry Potter) You
Naraku (Inuyasha) Him
Wan-Shi-Tong (Avatar) Him
Chuck Norris (Our World) No fight, Chuck Norris dominates
Oh, and are you more evil that Vlad the Impaler\Vlad Dracula or Romania. His favorite pastime was impaling people he didn't like on rusty spears, but he enjoyed torturing people in other ways too. He also despised his brother.
-Emissary of Knowledge.
P.S. My all seeing eye knows everything.

Dear Knowledge,

I can defeat all of them. Hello, I use Pure Evil. Well, maybe not Chuck Norris. That'd be one helluva fight.

P.S. Your all-seeing eye could use a contact lense.

Dear Aluza,
Sliced bread IS better then you! I can't belive I'm typing this but... Derrick's better then you(even though I hate him A LOT)! My friends and I refer to you as "The devil's sister". Maybe you're related to my psychotic cat, my kitty plays with his jingling toys WAY to much! Besides killing my cat and taking away his toys, what do I do to make him stop playing with the jingling toys? Also don't suggest that I kill myself because, that's NOT nice. Why do you want to execute Zuko SO badly? What did he do to you when you were younger?
-Forever Comical
P.S. Zuko's NOT a failure!
P.S.S. I took a quiz and it said I'm a lot like Zuko.
P.S.S.S. Tell Mai to stay away from Zuko!
P.S.S.S.S. I see dead people and they want me to kill you...

Dear Forever Comical,

"Devil's sister?" Girl, Zuko is HARDLY a devil. I've seen more sinister lunch ladies.

As for your cat, take the toys and remove the jingly-bells. Duh.

I want to execute Zuko because he's an embarrassment to father and I. Really.

Mai says that she is NOT staying away from Zuko. Nice try, though.

As for the dead people… unless you wish to join them, keep your death wishes to yourself.

ok i have another letter for azula

Dear Firebending Wannabe (again),
Did u ever get coal for Christmas or presents? What did Zuko get? So r u really dating Zhao?

Dear Wannabe,

I don't need presents. I have a position of power in my government. That's enough.

And I am not dating Zhao. I don't date dead animals. I'm dating the Destroyer.

AZULA: I love you, Destroyer.

ZAPPER: I love you, Azula.

IROH: I love tea.

AZULA: I love ending these stupid episodes. Farewell!