Ask Azula

by The Real Ty-Lee

Next chapter up! Sorry for the long delay!

12. Chapter 12

Ask Azula: Chapter 12

Setting: At BSS, but at a rather nice restaurant.

AZULA: Hello, all. I really do apologize for the unexpected vacation. Well, actually, I don't. I have every right to take a vacation.

OZAI: As you can all see, my darling Azula is now a few months pregnant but is feeling much better.

AZULA: I agree. A relaxing vacation ridding the world of the infidels can really freshen you up.

MAI: Sigh. Nothing can freshen me up.

TY: (sprays her with Febreeze.) Weeeeeee!!!!

ZUKO: Heeeey! Stop that! You're getting that in my hair.

AZULA: Zuko's been growing out his hair and is REALLY protective of it. If you ask me, he should be watching out for more dangerous things, like his coughinevitablebetrayalcoughcough.

ZUKO: What?

AZULA: I'm in a merry mood. No, I didn't execute anyone. I'm just happy, is all. This pregnancy is really screwing me up. So I'll try to answer your letters with some degree of enthusiasm and politeness.

Thank God you lied! I would kinda miss it. . .

Super-awesome-opossum-firebending-prodigy-insanely-pretty-to-be-Fire Lady-Azula,

You are my favorite character. EVER. Hey, may I ask a favor? could you PLEASE kill Katara? she's little-miss-goody-two-shoes and I can't stand her. PLEASE. You know, I love your hair, outfit, evil-ness, Firebending, and crown. May I please be your official complimenter? I'll compliment you all day, and that will be my 9 to 5 job.
I got you a present. -sholds up awesome scorpian- His name is Killer. (Not like the band, The Killers, but ya'know?) What's your favorite food? Maybe we can do lunch at a Mexican restaurant. (Mexican's my favorite, but we can still go somewhere else, if you want.) Anyway, can I be your best friend, or evil minion, or as I mentioned earlier, your official complimenter? Sorry, I'm wasting your time. . . You probably think I'm a total freak . . . Sorry. . .
Not Worthy

Dear Unworthy, you may be wasting my time, but at least you're a fan. Thanks for Killer. He'll be a fine first pet to my child. I'd love to do lunch—but no Hispanic foods. They make me throw up. (Pregnancy!!) Oh, and the positions for minion and friend are occupied. However, you may fill a position that no one has yet: You can be the person wiping the sweat off of my forehead when I'm giving birth. Maybe it will make you immortal or prevent cancer.

As for Katara, if I don't kill her, the Maizu fangirls will. So be patient.

Dear Azula,
It still isn't working. Also, how much would I have to bribe you to kill/torture/burn/enslave a person? Now another series of questions! You know there are now Haruzula-ers, Bluezula-ers, and Sokzula (If you're reading this aloud, Ty Lee is probably preparing to kill any Sokzula-ers right now)? Do you find it disturbing about how random your shippings are?
You know some people call you "Lala"? And are you going through moodswings yet?
Thorn
P.S. I learned how to knit and made you a scarf! Hope you don't mind the pink ribbons on the ends and the fact that I forgot the first "a" when I wrote your name there ;

Dear Thorn: You don't have to pay me a dime to kill people. Honestly, have you been reading my letters or not?And I'm aware of all these asinine shippings. I mean, Haru? Sokka? ZUKO? Are these people HIGH?

And thanks for the scarf. Believe it or not, I think it's really pretty.

….Holy crap. I just hit my kindness quotient. Any moment now I'll start shitting bunnies.

dear azula

if you could between chase young (from xiaolin showdown) naraku (from iunyasha) or gaara (from naruto) as you're second husband who would it be?
the next question is for mai
if you had the chance would you kill azula?
and for ty-lee…i hate you
p.s: azula and mai rock!

Dear Belkin: Naraku. Because our names sound cool together. Azula and Naraku. I don't like any of 'em, but if I have to choose…

MAI: Kill Azula? Sigh… It would be a boring battle. She'd massacre me.

TY LEE: Waaaaaaah!!!11one

Dear Azula,

I'm currently shocked that I'm writing you a letter with your right name! Anyways... I'm laughing at your Anti-Christ comment! It's SO funny! Anyways... again... Sorry, my brain went dead, it happens a lot these days. No wait, I'm NOT sorry! I'm just wondering, how easy is it to scare Zuko? Yes, I have taken up the hobby of scaring others for fun. Also, don't tell Zuko... or anyone... to shut up, it's not nice... wait a second... you're NEVER nice... I've predicted that you're eventually going to have a breakdown! When you do, I'm going to laugh. It's okay to have a breakdown. You do tend to zone out a lot, though... How can you hate someone's guts? I mean, guts are like your instenstines... Oh my god! I actually paid attention in Science!

-Forever Comical

P.S. FREE AT LAST!

Dear Temporarily Comical: ……………Oh, forgive me. I was too busy ZONING OUT! AND HAVING THE BREAKDOWN THAT YOU PREDICATED! YOU'RE SO SMART! Not.

And scaring Zuko is easy. But getting him to believe bogus crap is easier. See episode 2x20.

This story is so awesome and funny! Keep up the good work!

Dear Azula, Princess of the Fire Nation and most awsomest person the world,
Congratulations on the baby! I got some presents for that adorable little Anti-Christ. (Hands Azula a pair of spiked baby booties, a skull pacifier, and a toy dragon) I was wondering How did you, Ty Lee, and Mai become friends? It doesn't seem that common for a perky ditz, a depressed goth, and a sadistic demon. (No offense) Does it bother you that your two best friends both have crushes on your arch-enemies?
For Ty Lee: What do you use to get so perky? Sugar? Coffee? Speed? Whatever it is, you should give some to Mai. That oughtta perk her up a bit. By the way, what do light bulbs taste like? I'm going to put them in my brother's food tomorrow.
Sincerely,
UltimateBender77
P.S. The toy dragon shoots real fire.

Dear Ultimate, Thank you for the gifts. The spiked booties will make fine first brass knuckles for my little one. Oh, and I became friends with Mai and Ty at school because the three of us were paired up in Field Day events. There are certain things you can't do together without becoming friends, and playing tug-o-war over a bed of hot coals is one of them. And they can crush on whomever they like. If they become a problem, I'll shoot 'em.

TY LEE: I'm high on all-natural, 100 organic LIFE!!!! And light bulbs… they kinda taste like… pain…

Dear 'Luza,
I hope you fall in a river and drown. A lot of people do. How do you feel about all of those people pairing you up with people? How do you feel about not being paired up at all? Freak.
I'm good, with 'Danny Boy' but just to let you know, I'm not a fracking dude!
danny girl
P.S. Zuko's fangirl army will beat you up. I was the first to sign up. NYAAH! I hope you have an evil day. Thank you for your BEEP time.

Dear Dan the Man,

We've only known that I'm the most hated character on Avatar since 3/17/06. Congratulations on escaping from whatever cave you were trapped in.

Miss Never going 2 be Fire Lord(Lady),
i took your wierd advice, and i flew that kite. it was fun... and it got entangled in the Avatar's air currents(he was practicing his bending). You are so wierd. You are 14, pregnant(obviously), have glued on white nails, you are a demon, are obsessive about your hair, and have a contortionist and a girl who paints her hair on everyday for friends. you are a psychopath.
on the other hand, Mai, Zuko likes you.
Ty Lee, i admire the way you put up with that demon with the black aura(Mai's is dark purple, like the night). it is inspirational!
ZUKO. i dont think you are cool! you are foolish to believe that anyone in your family(except 4 your mom and uncle) care about you! Go ahead, ask your father if this is true! he will say of course not! HE IS LYING! HE IS A FILTHY LIAR! you and Katara will NEVER BE 2GETHER!

Dear "Fannumba", are you by any chance related to the Boohbahs or the Teletubbies? Just wondering.

And are you friends with Dan from the previous letter? You both have a knack for stating things people have known since last spring.

MAI: Zuko likes me? (blush)

TY: It's all in a day's work, Fannie.

ZUKO: God, EVERYBODY is saying this in their letters to me! Could they be on to something? Naaah.

Dear Princess Azula,
You fucking rock! Have you ever heard of Durza the Shade.He's evil and loves torturing as well plus hes extremely cute in my oppinion but not as cute as Count Vladislaus Dragulia aka Count Dracula have you ever heard of him either?
Sincerely,
Blackrose

Dear Rose, it seems that whenever a girl gets married people feel the need to ask her if she thinks so and so is cute or whatever. WTF?

Dear Azula,
Do you have any idea of what you're going to name your baby, and if so, what?
Your's Truly,
glz321

Dear G-Person,

GIRL: Shiva, after Shiva the Destroyer

BOY: Ozai, after father.

Dear Azula, Crown Princess of the Fire Nation,
What is your position on the many rumours circulating about Mai and Ty Lee liking each other as in girlfriends?
-Just Wondering

Dear Wondering, I don't like to butt into other's sexual business, but if they're all over each other's nipples it's fine with me. At least they won't date Sokka.

MAI/TY LEE: (Make out.)

Dear Azula,
I need to ask a few simple questions. What kind of music would you listen to? You coul be the extremely cool person I pictured and listen to bands like Atreyu, Metallica, Korn, Slipknot, and Disturbed. Gotta love 'Dont Tread On Me', beautiful song. Perfect for those days you need to bash someone's head in. Anyways to the next one. Are you going to execute Zuko if the two of you return home? That makes the fanfiction I've been whipping up right on. He's so pathetic it's laughable. Infact I'll laugh now. MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! LOSER! ZUKO IS A LOSER! Now to finish this up, I need to ask what you think of the concept that a person's chakra pools can overflow by an overabundance of attachemnts and emotions. Because that is the whole idea over my own character Keawn, The Black Dragon. He's a young man-losing his sanity as the story progresses-who basically is out for revenge on the Fire Nation, as he is the only survivor of a Fire-Tribe separate from the nation that was destroyed to expand their reign. I felt it was a good idea, albeit Im having troubles finding a way to start it, and figured if I were to make this why not ask the single most intelligent and powerful bender there is if it is a remotely descent idea?
From-Colton, A big fan and a lowly inferior.
P.S.-If it helps any, he gets his anus handed to him when he challenges you. You're the best, Im not about to change that.

Dear K, I listen to and love all those bands you mentioned. You have good taste. But the greatest song of all time is "Thoughtless." I let its wonderful lyrics about revenge and rage lull me to sleep. And it's gratifying to see that someone else out there thinks Zuko is a loser.

As for the story, it's best to start the story in the middle of the action (place being destroyed) and followup with the military's celebration and explanation. It's always best to grab the reader's attention immediately. Or you can just grab them by their throat. Whichever is of greater appeal to you.

And I am aware that I am the best. No need to reassure me.

Dear Azula,
You are my favorite character. By the way if you let Zuko and Mai fall in love and get married, they will be out of your perfect hair for good. PLus they might escape with Uncle. Then you can chase all three of them!By the way did Zuko and Mai have a past freindship?
Love,
Your Number One Fan!!

Dear #1 Fan, if you're my number 1 fan, why are you so damn concerned with Zuko and Mai's relationship? I'm not. Go ask them.

Dear Princess Azula,
First of all, Congratulations! I was thinking YOU were the Anti-Christ, but this kid's seriously gonna be evil. I didn't even think it could GET more evil than you. The plans for the baby shower and wedding are well underway. I'm wondering if, when you capture the Avatar, you could drain some of his blood? I'm thinking it would make great decoration and a wonderful display of your evil power. I mean, come on, killing a 12 year old kid, AND draining all his blood out to use as a trophy. And he's the Avatar. That's pretty evil. Unless you don't plan to kill him, but rather torture him incessantly. Then we could have him as a decoration, chained on the wall. Zuko can be next to him. Although if Mai's there she might go insane unless we make him shirtless. That might avoid an angry mob of fangirls. Yeah. Shirtless. Moving on! What are some of the things that you want as gifts for the baby shower and wedding? (you can basically order everybody to get you stuff, since you're princess and all, so might as well broadcast it on FN TV.)

And if Zuko's still there, uhm, that whole chained-on-the-wall thing was a JOKE. Yeah. You'll just need to come early. With chains. For umm, the salad.

-Lillie

Dear Lil, I thank you for your sentiments, but your ideas for what to do with the Avatar, quite frankly, disturb me. I may be a sociopath, but I'm not a savage.

As for gifts for my child, I would appreciate a baby swing, rope, and doll. I want to teach her/him how to hang someone early.

hey azula,
hows life being pregnant?hope ya feel better soon so you can go back to tormenting aang.No offence...wait who am i kidding i want this to offend him...AANG YOU ARE SUCH A BIG BABY AND GET OVER KATARA SHES BETTER OFF WITH ZUKO...anyway i heard that you only feel this bad for the first 3 months and it doesnt feel as bad after.
dear mai,
i didnt know you used shuriken i thought it was stilletos from wht said.
dear zuzu,
how can u ship KATAANG!
Tylee uhh...lay off the caffine
PS whens the baby shower i'd love to come
PSS you should get toph to be a guest

zutara,taang,and TyLokka fan 4life
sapphire dragon1416

Dear Dragon, Life being pregnant is pretty okay. I'm already getting myself signed up for one of those Lamaze classes. Good times. I'll muddle through somehow.

MAI: Shuriken shoot OUT OF stilettos.

ZUKO: Of course I ship Kataang. It keeps that homely peasant away from me. I'm saving myself for a good respectable lady.

TY LEE: I don't like coffee! I'm high on LIFE!

Dear Prince Zuko,
Hi, It's great to be writing this to you. My name is Dani. No, I'm not another rabid, fangirl (sorry), but you seem like a cool guy whom I might like to get to know. I like you for your personality. I feel like I can really relate to you, so I was hoping we could hang out some time if you're not to busy trying to capture Aang or freaking out. Also, I'm really not a supporter of any ships that include you. Why? Because no one deserves you. Any way to answer some questions of yours: No I am not ugly or stupid, Yes I have a life, I can be a bit manipulative and hot-headed, I am very pretty and smart (If I do say so myself), I love to write and draw, I like acting and horseback riding, I'm an animal lover, I like fire, and no I'm not a blonde (I'm a brunette).
Well, at least consider it. I can be a little shy, but I think we could really relate.
Yours?
equinelover101

Dear Royal Princess Azula,

Just mainly wanted to wish you luck with capturing the Avatar and all of your other ambitions, goals, and dreams. Congragulations on being pregnant.

Mai: What do you think of Jin, the girl who KISSED zuko? I'll help you murder her and Katara. That wasn't really a request. I want IN on the killing.
Ty Lee: You are just like my bff! Not kidding! You guys could be twins! You rock!

Your humble servant,
equinelover101

(ZUKO)Dear Equine, Haha. Father told me all about girls like you. I see right through your thinly-veiled attempt to take me on a date. You do sound very nice and pretty, but:

You're not from the Fire Nation. Instant no-no.

You're not nobility.

I'm not interested in dating right now.

I hate to be harsh like that, but it's true. Go find another nice peasant boy who likes horses and I'm sure you'll be very happy.

(AZULA) As if I need your luck. But thank you nonetheless.

(MAI) Nah, let 'em be. Zuko obviously doesn't like them. Jin… I think she died during a riot anyway.

(TY) AWWWW thanks!

Dear Azula,
Your an expert at taking bad comments and I think it's wrong becuase your great but can you give me any advice on getting back at bad people,I really need evil smarts right now.
P.S. Congrats on the baby,are you ready for motherhood?

Dear God, as for evil advice, I got one word for you: Livejournal. Take their embarrassing photos and trash them all over the net!

And I'm feeling really ready for this baby. Don't you worry. And if I turn out to feel not so ready, that's what nannies are for. And coat hangers.

Dear Azula,
Even though I'll be able to give you my thanks in person, I have to send a formal letter. And, as you'll probably know by the time you get this, I have a problem with Ty Lee, so I'll have probably near killed her by the time this letter is aired.
Anyway, a question: If the opportunity presented itself, would you turn on your own family if it was in your best interest, say... If they were in the way of your domination of the world?
Dark Rose.
P.S. Seriously, if you didn't hide Ty Lee before I arrived, it was her own fault if she showed up.

Dear Rose, did you take silly-willy pills this morning? OF COURSE I'd betray the whole lot of 'em. And I'd laugh as I did it. And don't hurt Ty Lee, or I shall have to hurt you.

Dear Princess Azula,
I have a way to get Aang. Send him a TV, and, when he opens it, make it play the part where Zuko and Katara are in the cave. He'll probably be scarred for the next few days. Then, when he's crying over it, go in, grab him, and give him to your father.
From,
StarDragon411

Dear Star, thanks for the suggestion, but TVs kind of don't exist in our world. However, crossbows do!

Dear Azula
Does Ty Lee swing both ways? It would be cool to see her with Katara in bed. Why must you be a bitch and bully Ty Lee so much? Do you ever think Naruto manga ripped off Avatar since an Avatar rip-off Stu massacred a temple full of monks in Fire Country? Don't you think this is a anti-Fire Nation sentiment/Revenge from the manga writer?

Dear Atlantis, Ty probably does swing both ways, but I'd lose a PROFOUND amount of respect for her if she went around with the peasant. As for the "manga", I'm a princess, not an encyclopedia.

Dear Azula,
Maneater? laughs Can you say, makes small children cry!? lol! Wait, you make adults cry. I'd be suprised if you never made Ozia cry. By the way, have you?
What wold you do if your child turned out like, Ty lee? Just with out the ability to paralize people.
By the way, Congradulations! Even if it is the anti-christ.
To whoever just happens to be in the room: Hi!
Oh and how do I get rid of my boyfriend as painlessly as possible? With out killing him.
TeenAnimeOtaku

Dear Otaku, I have never made father cry. Why would I do that? As for my child having powers like Ty Lee, I'd be very proud of her. I'd have her paralyze the Avatar so that I could pull down his pants and prop him up in front of a Spice Girls music video.

As for the boyfriend: Go to Google. Type in "rejection hotline". Go to the site. Get the number. Give it to him. Sit back and relax as your problems are solved.

Dear Zuko,
slaps him really hardWHATS THE MATTER WITH YOU?!your father is a complete BASTARD!he doesn't love you!why do you think he gave you that scar and banished you?!but you totally belong with katara!you to would be so cute together!but thats beside the point...anyhow hits him with a water whipCOME BACK TO YOUR SENSES FOOL!oh and, HOW COULD YOU DO THAT TO YOUR TOTALLY AWESOME UNCLE IROH?!

Dear Azula,
your dad and your grandfathers scare me, in a totally drunk kind of way right on giving bitrth to the anti-christ even though it kind of freaks me out.you do know that your kid is going to be more powerful than you?and is going to defeat all man-kind and you wont?
sincerly,
blueangel101

(ZUKO) Do NOT talk about my father like that and do NOT pretend like you know what you're talking about. And I don't appreciate how these crazy chicks think that they run my love life. I don't like Katara. Hear me? I. Don't. Like. Her. I'm still waiting for my perfect wife, and until then I am SINGLE AND LOVING IT. As for Uncle, I don't want to talk about him.

(AZULA) I'm cool with it. At least we'll be related.

dear azula
you do realize that if you're really pregnant at 14 there's a very high chance that you and your baby won't survive the birth, don't you?
further more, if the baby does happen to survive, i have a team set up ready and able to take him or her away since growing up with you as a mother would be detrimental to the child's physical and mental health. though shiva is a cool name idea, we'll probably keep that
hope you and zapper have a nice destructive wedding and may all of you burn
sincerely
kitty demon, spirit of chocolate chip cookies, mint and pocket lint
ps tui and la are still mad at the fire nation for the whole death of the moon thing, better watch out next time you see some koi fish

Dear Kitty, do you realize that if you talk to me like that again there's a very high chance you may die before you're much older? Set a FINGER on my baby and see what happens to you. (Azula is a protective mommy to the end!)

My fiance,
What do you think about a wedding under the comet? Lots of volcano flavored tea. What type of cake and food? Where do you want to go for the honeymoon?
Can't wait for the wedding
Love
White Destroyer
P.S. The 2 year control drug is now active in your brothers body. It's improved so I control him also. Is that ok?

My love, a wedding under the comet would be splendid. Please make cinnamon-flavored anything, and take me to the moon. I love you love you long time. 3 :o3 3 LOLOMGBBQ

Dear Fire Lady Azula,
I have a bunch of questions for you so
1.Have you ever heard the song Miss Murder by AFI because that song fits you to
2.What is your favorite brand of clothing
3.this one for Mai
Have you ever just told Zuko you like him?
4.This ones for Ty Lee
Have you ever had a crush on Zuko
ok those are all the questions i can think of today
ps.Tell Ty Lee I say HEY
ps.tell Mai i say Welcome

Dear Wheaties,

Yes. 3 it.

Hollister. I'm rich.

No, I've never told Zuko how I feel…

No. He's too weird.

Ty Lee and Mai say hi!

AZULA: Til next time, inferiors!