XIII:
She watched him sitting nervously on the edge of the bed, his entire body language tense. "Rafael," Liv said softly to get his attention. When he looked over at her, she smiled. "It's going to be okay."
He smiled back weakly, more of a grimace than a real smile. "Yeah," he said. "I…"
"I never really had a family," she began, trying to put into words why she still clung so fiercely to the ideal of having a child of her own even though the possibility was dwindling by the moment. "My biological father was a rapist who wasn't caught in my mother's lifetime. My mother was… difficult to live with. She loved me one second and hated me the next because I reminded her of everything she'd lost because of him. All the chances she couldn't take because he stole them from her. Everyone she ever dated turned out to be terrible as she was, enabling and fueling her addiction and I hope to god I never fall down that hole myself. Alcohol and pills," she explained very quietly. "But I always thought if I could break the cycle, if I could build a family of my own – it would be better."
"I've spent my life terrified that I could be like my father, deep down," he admitted very quietly. "I don't remember him very well, except in my nightmares."
"He traumatized you," she said gently, reaching over to caress his arm. "It's natural to worry that you would grow up to be like him. I worried for a long time that I would somehow turn out to be a bad seed like my father. That it's in the genes. And it's not. It isn't, Rafa."
"Rafa?" he questioned, lifting a brow.
She smirked back at him. "Are you objecting?"
"I… it takes getting used to," he said.
"Rafi sounds so childish," she commented. "And when Rita says it, it sounds like she's whining."
He winced. "Olivia, I –"
The egg timer went off and she took a deep breath. They looked at each other and she got up and went into the bathroom to look at the pregnancy test. She came back out and said, "Well… okay."
"Okay?" he asked, eyes wide.
"I'm not pregnant," Liv said. "So it's the meds making me sick. Which means more tests." She shrugged, trying not to show her disappointment to him. "Six of one, half a dozen of another."
"Liv – Olivia…"
She couldn't even look at him. "No, it's fine," she said, turning away and tossing the test at the garbage can – missed it by a wide margin – and crossed her arms over her torso protectively. "I'm still healing. We took precautions. It was stupid to even think –"
"I don't ever want to hear you call yourself stupid again," Rafael said softly, his voice cracking heartbreakingly on the words. "Okay? It isn't stupid to want, to hope, to… to love. It isn't, Olivia."
She took a deep breath, winced at the pain in her back as her muscles shuddered. "Johanna is a great kid," she said.
"She's a terror," he said. "She was on her best behavior because Rita threatened her with the imminent loss of her brand new phone if she did anything to fuck up in front of my mother. Jo-jo is not normally so well-collected."
"She has your wit," Liv pointed out.
"Rita's intelligence, though," he said wryly. "It's terrifying when she gets going. She's going to be a force to reckon with, let me tell you…" He sighed. "I've made mistakes. Many mistakes. Johanna isn't one of them. Every other part of that scenario… yeah, but… Jo? No. She's pretty amazing for a shithead."
She turned and smiled at him, just a little. "We'd just have hooligans," she warned. "'Cause I'm not from that fancy ass place where you make your kids behave. Nah, you go jaywalk and learn not to get run over by the taxis like every other sane New Yorker and make friends with the guy that runs the bodega and he'll save your ass more often than not. And you find a spot of sanity and some friends who are your family in this crazy world and you don't let go. And you don't let it crush you, no matter how hard it gets. Because when you're ready to give up… that's when you're going to meet someone that changes you forever. And if I hadn't been so hard around the edges, so rough and tumble, I never would have met you, Rafael." She let out a tiny, breathy sigh. "I… needed you and I didn't even know it."
He crossed the room in a couple of steps and swept her into a hug that hurt, but she didn't care – not really. She just held him back. "We have time," he said quietly into her hair. "Us. We're just getting started, Olivia –"
"Yeah," she whispered tearfully, wishing she could believe him, but knowing that time wasn't really on their sides. "We are. I love you, Rafael. I know it's too soon to be saying it but it doesn't make it any less true."
"You love me?" he whispered into her hair.
"I do," she replied. "You make me worry sometimes that you'll run to Rita and Johanna if I fuck up and shit gets bad –"
"Olivia –"
"Liv," she murmured. "You can call me Liv. It's really okay, Rafa." She hooked her fingertips into his chest, flexing a little. "The only people who call me by my full name are the people who want to assert their dominance over me. That isn't you, is it?" A long-forgotten flash of a fragment of something whisked past her in an instant, tickling her brain before it was gone again, leaving an uneasy feeling in its wake. All she remembered was bare skin, salt, the burn of tequila, and the sting of a cut and blood on her skin where the sweat of the day and sex had melded into the perfect rush of pleasure and pain and –
"Liv?" Rafael's voice was very hesitant, soft.
She took a deep, shuddering breath, covered her mouth with one hand to hold back the sob, but was unsuccessful. "I – "
"It's all right," he whispered. "The world's problems were never going to be solved in one night. And ours will never be solved in one conversation." He smoothed back her hair and smiled sadly. "But if I ever catch up with any of the assholes who've hurt you? I'm going to show them a little bit of justice."
"Be good about it so I don't have to arrest you," she pointed out softly, swiping at her eyes.
"Olivia," Rafael said softly, "if it helps at all to know this… I love you, too. And I think we're both a little too emotionally overwrought to think clearly about all the rest of it."
"We should get ready for bed," she said. "You have to go to work in the morning. I have to go to therapy. And then start my psychiatric evaluations for work."
"They're making you undergo psych eval before you can go back?" he asked, raising a brow.
She shrugged. "Because I'll have been isolated and depressed."
He leaned in and gave her a gentle kiss. "I'm sorry if I've allowed you to labor under the misapprehension – for even a moment – that you've been alone through any of this," Rafael said softly. "Because you aren't. Your squad won't let you be. I won't let you be. Yes, you could think about all the bad things that are happening… but…"
She reached up and ruffled his hair at his temple, just enough to annoy him. "But why do that when I've gained something wonderful out of the mess?" she whispered. "I do mean that, by the way."
"Just wait till I get crabby about the cleaning," he warned.
She laughed. "I'll hold you to it," she murmured. "I'm pretty tired: might just crash."
"Let me help you get ready for bed," he said. "And I'll join you."
"You don't have to; I know you have things to do." She pressed her forehead against his shoulder wearily and sighed. "It won't be like this forever, Rafael. I won't be tired and weak like this forever."
"Good," he replied firmly. "I want to see you on the mend, kicking ass and taking names again." She lifted her head and caught him smiling down at her. "Besides, you aren't weak. Just tired and healing. But I'm here to help – whatever you need, Liv."
The way he said her nickname made her belly flip with desire; it was like a silken caress, forbidden. "Rafa –"
"You're going to have to avoid calling me that in front of people," he warned.
"Why?" she asked.
"Why do you think?" he challenged, pulling her a little closer. "You make it very hard for me to think straight, Olivia Benson. Which is not necessarily a problem, seeing as how I've fallen madly head over heels in love with you –"
She smiled shyly up at him. "Rafael –"
"But calling me Rafa in front of people is going to give up the game," he warned. "Because I'm just going to go all… soft. Like a marshmallow."
"You are a marshmallow," she teased, hugging him tighter. "Do you mean it?"
"What?"
"You're in love with me?"
He blushed a little and nodded. "Yeah. I… I am."
She felt a rush of pride: she had done that. She had made him fall in love with her, despite everything, and he wasn't running for the hills in protest. In fact, he had gotten even closer. He was showing her his secrets and his dark sides, trying to show that he was as scared as she was.
And the way he held her, as if she were the most precious thing on earth to him, felt like home. For the first time in her life, Liv felt like this was really the beginning and not the beginning of the end.
Nick helped her into the chair and tucked her in. "Want a sandwich?" he asked.
"I want a nap," Liv replied. "Why is everything so exhausting?"
"Because your body is trying to adjust to missing a kidney and healing after invasive surgery," he pointed out. "I'm going to make medianoches – you've got everything here," he called from the kitchen. "Your boy toy a good cook?"
"Better than I am," she answered. "And Barba isn't my boy toy –"
"Down girl," he said with an amused huff. "He treating you okay since he moved in? Or am I gonna have to kick his ass?"
"We're doing just fine," Liv said, picking at the blanket on her lap. "It's only been a week."
"Aren't you supposed to come back on desk duty in a couple weeks?"
"As you head out to San Diego?" she shot back. He ducked into the room, a shocked look on his face. "Oh don't give me that look. I have ears. I'm not stupid. You're really leaving?"
Amaro sighed. "Yeah. Some… things have come up."
"Some things you can't work through here?" she questioned.
"Not everything can be worked out," he replied. "You know that."
She hesitated, then nodded. "Yeah. Yeah, I do. I know that better than most people do. I just… what am I going to do without you, Nick? You held my hand through –"
"Liv, I might have held your hand, but you headbutted every motherfucker in the joint," Nick said with a little grin. "And if Barba knows what's good for him, he'll stand back and offer you support but let you do the ass-kicking."
She took a deep breath and whispered, "Rafael is stronger than I am. I don't know what I'm going to do when he realizes how weak I am and leaves me. Like… like Brian did."
"Fuck Cassidy," Amaro growled. "He didn't know what he had."
She picked at the blanket some more, tugging at a loose stitch. "I'm really tired," Liv said quietly. "I think I'm going to take a nap after lunch."
"Because you don't want to talk about your feelings?" Amaro said with a little knowing smirk.
She sighed. "I'm tired of talking. I need to do something instead of talking. But I don't have enough energy yet to try. And Rafael is indulging me and letting me just take my time and – it's infuriating."
"Because he cares?"
She hesitated, knowing she would sound crazy if she said it out loud. "He cares too much. All he cares about is me when it's just us here and I… I wish he'd think about himself once in a while."
Nick's smile faded. "He's just worried about you. We all are. We're doing our best, Liv."
"Well, stop it. I'm an adult. I'm fine. I can take care of myself," she lied bravely.
"Yeah, okay," he shot back, "tell that to my arm after your dead weight yanked me down in the elevator because you were so tired from walking from the cab to the building. It is not a cardinal sin to take care of yourself, Liv. And it sure is not a sin to love someone who wants to help take care of you."
"He's just going to leave," she said. "It doesn't matter how much he loves me. One day, he's going to realize I'm not what he wants, or I'm not good enough, or I'm just… I'm just too much. And he's going to leave. And I don't know what I'm going to do when that happens, Nick. I don't. I'm so scared but I'm already in too deep and I can't –"
"You're in love with him."
She nodded and exhaled roughly. "A thousand little reasons," Liv whispered.
"And the big reason?"
She paused for a long moment, considering the question. "He sees me."
Amaro nodded and said, "Is it enough?"
She let out a shaky sigh. "I don't know."
"Are you going to push him away because you're scared to lose him?"
"I don't think he's going to let me."
"Good for him," Nick said with a little grin. "Liv… take the chance. Yeah, it hurts. Yeah, love is a bitch. But if it's worth having, it's worth fighting for. And he's a prick – but he's your kind of prick."
She let out a bark of a laugh. "He's a marshmallow," she confessed.
"All the better to love you," he shot back. "Tooth rotting, sugary fluff –"
"Cuddly, soft, sweet," she corrected.
"Lemme go make you that sandwich," Nick said. "You're getting tired and sentimental."
She stirred when she felt fingers in her hair, massaging her head. "Mmm…"
"I brought pizza," Rafael said softly. "Just a couple grandma slices, but I had a late meeting. You sleep all afternoon?"
"After Nick left, I must have," she mumbled. "I was really tired. Therapy and therapy."
He made a face. "How's everything looking?"
She shrugged. "I'm doing as well as can be expected. Not going to be going out and leading any raids for a couple months, gonna be tied to a desk and futzing with paperwork, but I'm cleared to go back in three weeks if everything stays on track."
"Good," he all but purred into her hair lovingly. "I know you're going crazy all day by yourself here –"
"I'm catching up on some things," she said softly. "But yeah. It's difficult to relax when you're used to being on the go." She leaned back into his hands and sighed deeply. "Rafa –"
"Liv?"
"We can have sex." The silence was long and she needed to fill it with something, so she added, "Not crazy acrobatic sex or majorly kinky –"
"No, of course not," he exhaled roughly. "Would you even want –"
"Well, no –"
"Then why would you think I wanted –" He broke off and his fingers stilled. "Olivia, you know all I want is for you to be happy. That that brings me euphoric joy."
"Rafa," she whispered, "That can't be all there is to us. You have to have dreams and goals and wants –"
"Do I?" he asked. "Isn't it enough to be present and available? To be loved and be loving? My goal is to make you happy. My want is to not destroy whatever this is we've managed to create. So tell me, Liv…"
She pulled him down for a kiss, desperate to stop the debate, the argument, before it could really begin. He nipped at her lower lip, then pulled back and made a face at her. "I just want you," she whispered, her voice husky with every emotion she was attempting to hold at bay.
If she pulled the curtains aside and let him see, would he make the effort? Or would he cut his losses and run screaming into the night? Her history of pain and loss was a litany of tally marks slashed into her soul, one after another after another, and her knife was poised to add yet another. But this one would hurt the worst.
Because he was the only one she'd ever actually given in and fallen in love with.
Oh, yeah, she'd thought she'd been in love with a few of the others. But no. It paled in comparison to the way she felt when she just laid eyes on Rafael. Something about him soothed her soul in a way that no one else had ever been able – and he went from rigid and unyielding to soft and caring the moment she turned to him. Even in this moment, his fingers laced into her hair, massaging her scalp, his lips pressed against her temples, he was attuned to her emotional state, fragile and tired.
"Olivia…"
"You said there was pizza?" she asked.
"Yeah – from Mitzi's, by the courthouse," he said.
"Mmm, sounds good." She glanced up at him and added, "Mind if we take it to bed?" She neglected to mention if she meant the pizza, the conversation, or both. But he would understand – he usually did.
Rafael pressed a kiss to the top of her head and helped her out of the chair, letting her lean on him when necessary and not commenting when she faltered a little bit.
TBC...