So Empty Those Eyes
Genre: General
Rating: K
Disclaimer: Me not own, please don't sue.
Author's Notes: Don't really know where this story came from, it just sort of…happened. It's kind of odd really and doesn't really fit into canon all that well but meh, to quote Todd Bertuzzi, "It is what it is."
Please R&R…Thanks!
Remember…I take requests.
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Yesterday, I woke up, silently fuming, and kissed the love of my life. I told him I was going to the mall, half-hoping he would offer to come with me. He didn't. So, I went and did my hair, applied my makeup, and dolled up a little. It was six o'clock by the time I got there. I downed down some sugar-free detoxify energy drink and took some diet pills. I had my purse slung over my shoulder, a cell phone in my hand, and I was clad completely in black garment. Black skirt, black plunging tank top, and black tunic-length coat that flares out at the waist. My long, waist-length hair was done perfectly. I felt so empty. So alone. I missed my best friend, who died last year, seeing as I'm used to shopping at the mall with her. I missed having him besides me. I missed smiling and feeling carefree. I missed not being sick. I missed not having bills to worry about. I missed not worrying about anything. I didn't really buy anything… it was basically a "fuck you" trip. However, what was supposed to be a "fuck you" wasn't clear to me, except it made me feel even more alone than ever. Not even the fact I was being hit on by adorable vendors made me feel better.
When I got back home, I curled up in a chair, parting myself from him and his friend, that damn Kakashi, and read. I think he was confused. I don't really think he understood how much he had hurt me, or how much I look into things people say, especially people I love. I'm so analytic. Most of the time, I end up hurting myself, pretty much. I guess. People say I'm sweet, caring, and I go out of my way to make sure everyone is happy, and everyone has what they need. They are right. But you also don't want to piss me off. You just don't. There's no ifs or buts. That's my downfall, I guess.
After his friend left, I set down my book and asked him if he had enough space yet. He looked confused and said that wasn't what he wanted. Confused. Exhausted. And at last, realizing that I hadn't been rational, I ended the discussion with a kiss and smile, and snuggled with him as we watched television.
But oh, I still feel so empty and hurt.
I feel like I have no one to turn to. I feel like nothing's right in my life except for him. I can't get along with my parents, how could I now that they have both died? Most of my friends have moved away. I flunked my Jounin exam because I was too sick to make it through the final test, I probably still am. Between my migraines, overdosing on medications twice and landing in the hospital, and my sleep disorder, I haven't been able to focus on my training or my missions. Bills are piling up. I'm still struggling with this damn eating disorder. People tell me I'm gorgeous, and I have been told to go into modeling many times. But whenever I look in the mirror, I'm okay with my face, but I still see that chubby girl I once was, as a consequence of some medications I was given years ago. I still hate what I see, and I cannot see what other people see. Either they are lying to me, or I'm more messed up than I realize.
But oh, I feel so empty.
At least it's that calm, accepting emptiness.
I only wish that he would talk to me, care for me, like he cares for that friend of his. That damn Kakashi, that genius shinobi that has everything going for him but no way to see it. It took a long time for me to understand why I'm so bitter towards him. I used to think it was because he takes the precious time I have with my Asuma away from me but now I don't think that's the reason. Now I think I've realized the true reason why I'm so bitter towards Kakashi…because every time I look into that one eye of his I see the same emptiness, the same hidden pain, the same struggle to make it through the day, that I see in my own eyes whenever I look in a mirror. The only difference is that my eyes don't reflect the guilt of his, don't share the same desperation to change every single part of myself and my past that his hold.
But oh, both our eyes reflect the emptiness we feel.
At least mine still hold hope; at least I might still be able to change. I'm pretty sure he can't, I'm pretty sure he's condemned to this empty life we share.
Now that I've realized this I can almost understand why Asuma spends more time with Kakashi then with me. Kakashi might not live through tomorrow, I will. Kakashi has given up, I haven't.
And when Kakashi's finally gone I will stand here, still as a stone and strong as I can be, and take away as much of the pain as I can from my precious Asuma. Then, and only then, will we finally be able to truly be together. Then, and only then, will my emptiness truly fade.
Then, and only then, will my eyes no longer reflect Kakashi's.