XV:
In the end, they didn't make it to Johanna's concert. Rafael was stopping by the precinct to pick Liv up before they made their way uptown to the school, so she'd gotten changed into her black mod pencil dress with the long sleeves and plain black heels and came back to Rollins baiting who she thought might be Alejandro Muñoz on a political chat forum, after a tip off that he was luring underaged staffers and interns – both male and female – into sexually compromising positions.
One horror-filled glance from Rafael at the monitor had confirmed Liv's worst fears, and set everything into motion. Eddie Garcia had confessed to his end of covering up things, and taken a plea deal. Rafael had posted Eddie's bail so he could care for his son, on condition that he had nothing else to do with Alejandro and Yelina. It drove Liv crazy that he could be so cavalier with his money and reputation like that, but he was adamant that he owed Eddie a favor that couldn't be repaid and he was only giving what he was due.
Alejandro dropped out of the mayoral race officially on Sunday morning, after SVU had raked him over the coals and charges were officially filed. And Sunday evening found Liv and Rafael cuddled up on the sofa, holding each other and feeding each other Chinese food with cheap chopsticks.
"I can't believe that he actually thought if he called you, you would just drop everything and come represent him," Liv said, taking another bite of sesame chicken.
"He thought if he threw enough money at me, I'd fold like a house of cards," Rafael said, chewing thoughtfully. "That's why he sent Eddie by my office with a cash offer the day after Yelina came to see me."
Liv wiggled her toes against his thigh and smiled when he gave her a withering look. "You're too honorable to take a cash bribe to be someone's bitch," she teased.
"Thanks for that, Benson," he muttered.
She said, "It's one of the things that I love about you."
He was about to reply when the buzzer went off annoyingly. He made a face and got up to punch the answer button. "Yeah?"
"Rafi? Your mami told me where to find you –"
Rafael's shoulders slumped and he turned to look at Liv. "Olivia – it's Yelina."
Liv pursed her lips together. "Her husband is being arraigned in the morning. All this does is add more fuel to the fire, Rafa. Do what you want: I won't stop you."
He pushed the button again and said with deceptive calm, "Go to hell, Yelina. I'll see you at the trial." He released the button and moved back to join Liv on the sofa, crossing his legs and sitting quietly. "I love you, too," he said very softly, leaning into her touch.
"You're not alone," she promised him softly. "I'm not leaving you."
He took a deep breath and set aside his container of food. "Okay," he agreed.
"Talk to me," Liv whispered. "Tell me about it."
"Loving them was like… being high all the time," he admitted quietly. "We were young and stupid and did stupid shit. I was the one that insisted on condoms, but Alex stole alcohol from his parents' shop and Yelina got marijuana from her cousin's stash and we did stupid shit all the time when we weren't fucking. It's a wonder I got into Harvard at all."
She reached up and ran her fingers through his hair. "You were too smart for your own good," Liv murmured. "Nothing was going to stop you, even hormones and stupidity."
He smiled just a little. "Yeah," he said sheepishly. "I got my scholarship and told them and that's when Yelina told me she'd accepted Alex's proposal. But they didn't get married until after I went into law school. They kept stringing me along. Hurting me, breaking my heart, mending it, only to break it again."
She exhaled shakily. "I'm sorry –"
He swallowed hard. "It's… it's okay. It isn't your fault. I was the stupid one."
"You aren't stupid," Liv whispered. "Believe me. I was… not allowed to date in school. My mother went crazy if she so much as heard me express an interest in anyone – male or female. So I ignored everyone, didn't really have friends, studied hard and just tried to get through it in one piece. And when I was a little younger than Johanna is now, one of my mother's students started drawing me into conversation, engaged me in thought exercises, treated me like I was a person, not just Professor Benson's kid on the couch listening in." She paused and frowned, pursing her lips together. "He asked me to marry him when I was sixteen. He was twenty-one. It… it wasn't a big deal, and I wanted to get away from my mother – so I said yes. I loved him and it was enough."
"Liv –"
She swallowed hard. "I know," she dismissed quietly. "Logically, as an adult, I know. He groomed me, he raped me – it wasn't consensual because I was still a child. My mother went ballistic, threw him out and tried to throw me out but I ended up in a shelter for a few days and then in Symone Brice's office and back on mom's doorstep." Liv shook her head. "He's done quite well for himself and I'm… I'm here. Barely afloat. But I'm here." She took a deep breath and reached for him, glad that he didn't pull away. "People who say 'everything happens for a reason' and 'the Lord only gives us what we can handle' as justification for other people's bad behavior are assholes," she said in a soft, wavering tone. "They don't know what it takes to show a façade of strength."
Rafael leaned into her arms and sighed heavily. "You don't deserve to be hurt," he whispered. "You're too good –"
She chuckled. "I am the furthest thing from good," Liv murmured. "You think every day I don't struggle to go off the rails and go apeshit on people? I hold it together because I have to believe that humanity is better than the evil I see every day. I have to believe that the good will outweigh the bad at some point."
"And when you called me for that drink –"
Liv smiled. "It was a leap of faith into the abyss," she whispered. "Imagine my surprise when you caught me."
His smirk was wry; she found that she didn't care, so long as it still graced his lips. "I'll always try," Rafael said softly.
She hugged him close and murmured, "I know." She would never tell him aloud but she had often told herself that if put to the test, she would jump in front of a bullet for him. None of her other boyfriends had inspired such strong feelings in her, and it was unsettling to say the least. But love didn't hold to its own timeline, and neither did they – and she found herself wondering where they would be in five years time, a decade, thirty years, if they would still be curled up on a sofa, eating takeout and sharing secrets.
Because he felt like forever.
"So, got any plans?" Fin asked.
Liv looked up from her case notes. "Plans?" she echoed.
"Christmas."
She blinked at him, not processing what he was asking. "The usual," she said.
He frowned at her. "I just thought since you had a new man this year, you'd put in for a day off –"
She glowered at him. "You know Cap is retiring on New Years'," she said quietly. "And with Nick having left, we're a man down as it is. I can't exactly just –"
"Liv, you're okay to take a day off for yourself," Fin advised softly. "What's Barba got planned?"
"He's going to midnight mass with his mother," she said, glancing back down at the file in her hands. "Lucia hasn't exactly warmed up to me yet. My getting called in on Thanksgiving didn't help." She sighed and bit her lip. "I just don't want to put him in another position where he has to defend me."
"So you're volunteering the Christmas Eve night shift?" Fin asked, making a face. "Brutal. I mean, you just got your gun back."
She shrugged. "Rollins is going to be with me. It'll be fun. Like our own private Christmas party where all the perps are assholes and we get to take them down."
Fin's lips quirked up into a smile. "Everything okay at home, though? Barba and you doing okay?"
"We're great." She hesitated a moment, then shook her head.
"Liv?"
"It's nothing," she said.
"That ain't nothin'."
She exhaled shakily and murmured, "I guess I'm just scared."
"About what, kid?"
"That I'm going to be too much and he'll get tired of me like Brian did," she said quietly.
"Fuck Brian," Fin muttered. "That asshole – Jesus, Liv, he didn't know his ass from his balls."
She sighed heavily. "I know, and I know Rafael isn't like him, but that doesn't make the fear go away." Liv smiled sadly. "I'm working on it, Fin."
"Do I need to have a chat with your boy?"
"No," she said with a sigh. "I just… it's only been a few months. This won't heal itself overnight."
"Yeah, I get that," he agreed. "Is he okay after the Muñoz debacle?"
She sighed. "Not really. Neither am I." She didn't want to elaborate, to let Fin in on secrets he didn't need to be privy to, to give her old friend a reason to look down on Rafael. "It's been difficult."
"I get that. But you're there for him, right?"
"We're there for each other," she said softly.
"Then that's a good thing," he said. "Just keep it that way." Fin paused, then said, "You might wanna tell him you love him so much, though. So he doesn't get any ideas about finding someone else who's not quite such a pain in the ass."
She whacked him on the shoulder and smiled at him. "You're a pain in the ass, Tutuola," Liv accused softly.
"You wouldn't have it any other way, Benson," he reminded her.
"You okay with me working tonight?" Liv asked as she pulled her sweater on over her thermal base layer in case she got called out. It was -5°F outside and expected to drop through the evening hours, so she wasn't going to take any chances.
"Yeah," Rafael said, looking up from his book with a small smile on his lips. "The world needs Olivia Benson. Go forth and kick ass."
"I just feel a little guilty that I'm not going to be with you and your mom –"
"Don't be," he said. "She's a little annoyed that I'm spending time with her instead of you, but I explained that you always work Christmas Eve, and that's that. Besides, I'll just swing by the precinct after mass and keep you and Rollins company till you get off at two and it'll all be fine."
Liv paused and smiled at him. "You're… something."
"That didn't sound like a compliment," he shot back.
"No, it – most men would be upset or jealous because I wasn't spending time with them and their family, but you…"
"You're saving the world," he said softly. "I love you for it."
She came around the bed and cupped his face in both hands, kissing him gently on the lips. "Do you want one of your presents early?" Liv whispered, biting her lower lip nervously and hesitating with trepidation thrumming in her chest.
"I already have you," he said, reaching up to tuck her hair back.
"No take backs?" she asked.
"Nah," he said softly. "You want one of your presents early?"
She kissed him again and whispered, "Rafa… I'm pregnant."
"I know," he said.
"What?" Liv blinked. "How?"
"Your OBGYN left a message on the machine," he said. "I figured after I found three positive tests buried in the trashcan that it might be a thing."
She bit her lip. "You're not freaking out."
"Nope." He popped the 'p' with emphasis. "Are you upset about it?"
"No," she murmured. "I was worried you would be and –"
"Liv," Rafael said softly, "do you want one of your gifts early?"
She hesitated, then nodded, almost holding her breath as she waited for him. He got out from under the covers and set his book aside, headed to the dresser, and got a small box out of his sock drawer. "Rafa – I don't want you to think that you have to do something drastic because we're having a baby," Liv began.
When he turned back to face her, hurt was etched on his features. "Olivia, you wound me," he said, his hand rising to cover his heart. "I love you. That isn't going to change. We're bound by more than just the physical, the metaphysical… all of it. I also know that to the rest of the world, it's way too soon to make a commitment like this, but it just feels right for us. I thought that before I knew about the baby. But I want to wake up with you every morning and go to sleep with you every night. I want to grow old with you. I want… children with you, if that's what you want, Liv. Maybe the time isn't right now, but… when it feels right, will you marry me?" He opened the box, showing her a simple gold band with an old-fashioned princess cut diamond.
Her eyes widened and she covered her mouth with both hands to keep from crying. "Yes," she whispered. "Yes, Rafael – you sweet man."
He came over and put the ring on her finger, smiling when it fit. "You don't have to wear it," he said softly. "I just want you to have it for –"
"Shut up," she murmured, dragging him into a hungry kiss. "I have to go."
"I know," he said. "Tell Amanda I said hello."
Liv kissed him again and murmured, "Are you going to tell your mother?"
"That we're engaged?" he asked.
"The baby?" she interjected softly.
"Wasn't planning on it," he said. "Not till you're ready."
She inhaled and nodded. "Okay. Good. Because it's still really early and things could go wrong. I don't want to –"
"But I want to tell her that we're serious," Rafael said solemnly. "I want to tell her that I'm giving you abuelita's ring as a promise. She'll understand then."
"Your grandmother's ring?" Liv said softly.
"Yeah," he said. "If you hate it, we can get another, but –"
"I love it," she murmured.
He gave her a silly smile and a quick kiss. "You'd better get going before Rollins flips her shit wondering where you are," he teased. "I love you."
"You're coming by the precinct later?" she asked hopefully.
"With snacks," he promised.
She kissed him one last time and murmured, "Perfect."
Rollins had her feet up on the desk and a little smirk on her lips. "So… hoping for something good for Christmas? Barba seems like he'd be a really good gift giver."
Liv glanced up from her report, her brow furrowed. "Oh, he already gave me something," she said softly. "It's lovely – it belonged to his grandmother."
"Really? What is it?" Amanda asked. "I mean, if it's like a clock or something, it doesn't really mean anything, but if it's jewelry, man, you're looking at a keeper."
Liv pursed her lips together. "Does it matter?" she asked.
"Well… no. You love him, don't you?"
"I do."
"Then it shouldn't matter."
Liv nodded and went back to her file. She was in the process of stifling a yawn when the elevator dinged and both women's attention was drawn to it. Rafael stepped off the elevator with a drinks box and a paper bag in hand, a smile on his lips.
"It's nothing special," he said, "but I got the good coffee truck just before they closed up shop for the holiday. I've got the last of the chestnuts, some cashews, almonds, and peanut brittle – and sugar cookies."
"Barba, you're a lifesaver," Rollins said with a smile. "I was about to go knock over the vending machine."
He strode across the squadroom like he owned the place and set his bounty on Olivia's desk, pausing to unwind the scarf from his neck before he leaned down and kissed her. "Hello, mi amor," Rafael said softly. "Mami passes on her Feliz Navidad, and will be over for lunch around two."
"Did you tell her Merry Christmas from me?" Liv inquired softly, smiling with warm affection at him.
"Of course. Are you hungry?" he asked. "Because I am."
"You're always hungry," she accused with only a small amount of levity in her tone. "Sit down and pass some of those almonds, Rafa. What do you want, Amanda?"
"Oh, I think some of the chestnuts and some cashews," Rollins said. "You really bought out the last of the truck, didn't you?" she teased.
"Only the best for you guys," Rafael said with a small smile. "And hot chocolate."
"Well, there you went and ruined it," Rollins said with a wry smile. "Girl needs her coffee."
Liv gave him a grateful smile and reached for the hot chocolate. "Well," she said, "I, for one, will be glad to be able to go home and go straight to sleep."
Rafael wiggled his eyebrows suggestively. "That's what you think," he muttered.
"Ohho-ho," Rollins laughed, "that was more information than I needed."
Liv raised an eyebrow and took a sip of her drink. "Sure," she said. "My intention is to go to bed to sleep. I'm old. I need it."
Rollins snorted and nearly choked on her snack. "Any big plans for tomorrow?" she inquired slyly.
"My mother is coming over, other than that, no," Rafael said. "She's been working up till yesterday, so she hasn't been partaking in her usual family parties. Since my grandmother died, it hasn't been the same." He paused for a moment, frowning. "It seems strange that it's been a year already. Mami didn't even take the time off to go to Miami, so it's just us."
"You should feel special that she wants to spend more time with you," Amanda commented. "It's nice." She paused. "I say that and you haven't even had the displeasure of meeting my mother yet. She's anything but nice."
Liv chuckled. "I met her – she's rough around the edges but livable."
Rafael smiled a little. "Well… a typical Cuban Christmas begins about ten days out and finishes up on Christmas Eve with a giant party. And then we go to mass on Christmas Day. But last year, abuelita had just passed, and this year, with Liv and I just settling in together –"
"You didn't want to rock the boat," Rollins said. "Yeah, makes sense. How does your mom feel about you guys?"
Liv hesitated, a cashew halfway into her mouth. "She hates me," she said quietly.
"She doesn't hate you, she just doesn't understand you," Rafael said. "It'll take time. She's already warmed up a lot –"
"She hates me," Liv repeated, feeling tears prick at her eyes. "Which is going to be hard when –"
"When what?" Amanda said, leaning in.
"Nothing," Liv said, huffing a little and swiping at her eyes. "You want to come over for lunch?"
"Is Barba cooking?"
"Yeah."
"Then absolutely yes. No offense, Liv, but your food could peel the paint off a barn," Rollins said with an affectionate smile. "I love you, but a cook you aren't."
Liv sighed and pouted a little. "I mean, I survived this long," she said in a wounded tone.
"On takeout and Kraft macaroni and cheese," Amanda countered. She paused. "I mean it with love, Liv, you know that, right?"
Rafael rubbed Liv's shoulder gently. "I'm trying to teach her some easy dishes," he said.
"I might be able to make something for your mother by the time we get married," Liv shot back sarcastically.
"Whoa, who said anything about getting married?" Amanda said, eyes wide.
Rafael's cheeks flushed a light red. "We're engaged," he said softly. "For as long as feels necessary."
"That's a… development." Rollins looked like she was going to choke. "When did this happen?"
Liv looked at her watch. "Yesterday," she said, "since it's Christmas Day now." She looked up at Rafael and added, "I take it you didn't tell your mother."
"There really didn't seem to be a good time," he hedged.
"Coward."
"Oh you mean there's going to be drama at lunch?" Amanda said with a grin. "Count me in for sure – also, Barba, I will shoot you if you hurt Liv. You know that, right?"
"She'll shoot me first," he replied so casually that it made Liv double take.
"I don't want to shoot the man who cooks my dinner and brings me snacks and –" she stopped herself before she gave away their little secret about the baby.
"I'm glad you're happy," Rollins said, popping another nut into her mouth. "Even if it is a little disgusting at times. You deserve it after everything, Liv."
She smiled at Rafael and leaned against him, allowing herself to bask in that soft feeling of happiness for just a moment. After all, it was Christmas and it was nearing shift's end without a major incident for once. She deserved to just be happy for a few minutes.
TBC...