XVI:

Despite having only gone to sleep a couple of hours before, Rafael found himself awake with the sun, staring across the bed at Olivia as she slept. She was snuggled deep in the blankets and pillows, snoring softly, hair everywhere like some kind of primal forest goddess meets sea witch, and he was so in love with her that it was ridiculous.

It was Christmas morning and he didn't feel like getting up and making breakfast yet. Not that it was going to be anything special – just cinnamon raisin toast and coffee. But with the confirmation of her pregnancy the evening before, he had been wondering if coffee was really the best thing, and the internet hadn't assuaged his concerns. He doubted if Liv had taken the doctor's advice fully yet, either, because she'd had coffee with breakfast just the morning before, and maybe he should value his balls enough not to engage her in battle over something trivial.

"I can hear you thinking from here," Liv mumbled sleepily.

"Coffee with breakfast or –"

"I'm cutting back to two cups a day," she murmured, opening one eye, "then I'll go to one, then switch to decaf."

"Okay," he said softly. "So yes?"

"Please."

He smiled and whispered, "You're beautiful."

"Liar. I look like a hag." She was pouting a little though her eyes were twinkling sleepily. She was adorable and he hated every man who had come before him and broken her just a little bit more for hurting her – except now she was in his arms, in his life, and he intended to do everything in his power to please her and keep her happy.

"No, you look sleepy and warm and adorable," he countered softly.

"I'm a grown woman," she complained. "Not supposed to be adorable –"

"Shush," he whispered. "You hungry now or do you want me to wait a while to make breakfast?"

"I'm getting up," Liv said, sitting up and stretching her arms. Her hair still looked like a bird had nested in it and vacated, but she tried to pull it out of her face anyway. "I'll get a shower first. Hey… you know you don't have to cook every morning, right? It's just toast or reheating bagels or pastries or –"

"I want to take care of you," he said simply. "You deserve more."

Her face softened then, relaxed, unguarded. "I love you," she murmured. "So much, Rafa."

"You're worth it," Rafael replied gently. "And I love you, too, Olivia." He sat up and leaned over to give her a kiss. "Better go brush those teeth, though."

She laughed and whacked him in the face with a pillow. "Ass."

"Your ass."

"Damn straight you're absolutely my ass," she scolded, the fiercely possessive words declaring her intention to brand him as hers and hold him close for as long as she could manage. "I still worry sometimes that you're going to leave."

He stared at her. "Where would I go?" Rafael asked. He was only half-joking. His mother wouldn't take him in. He didn't really have friends, save Rita – and god forbid. That would only end in disaster. He was starting to grudgingly make friends with Rollins and Tutuola and Cragen, but only because of repeated association while Liv had been out on her surgery and recovery. "Liv, we're in this together," he said softly. It sounded pathetic, coming from him as the supposed dominant male in the relationship, but if he had to take a back seat, so be it.

"I push people away," she said quietly. "And… I didn't tell you I thought I might be pregnant because I was scared you'd be upset."

He hesitated for a long moment, then took a deep breath. It was something he had worked on in therapy, confronting his pathological fear of being inadequate as a parent. But as Liv had already pointed out, wasn't he already basically a parent to Johanna? Hadn't he already been all along? Would it be any different, really, with a child of his and Olivia's?

"I'm not upset," Rafael said. "I'm… happy. Because it's what you want. And because it will make you happy, it will make me happy. Does that make sense? I don't need you to be scared of how I will react, Liv, because that… that makes me no better than my father, does it?"

"I was wrong," she murmured. "Can you forgive me?"

"There's nothing to forgive," he assured her, reaching out to caress her arm. "Now – how many slices of toast do you want?"

"Two is fine," she said softly.

She got up and went to the bathroom, and he made his way to the kitchen. He washed his hands before making a pot of drip coffee – cheap and cheerful – and pulling out the butter and cinnamon raisin bread and a skillet. He intended to spoil her with the best, and that was pan fried toast.

By the time she was out of the shower, breakfast was ready and they ate in comfortable silence before Rafael excused himself to use the bathroom himself and get cleaned up. When he emerged from the bedroom for the day, he was in khaki pants, woolen socks, and a heavy aran sweater he had picked up in Europe skiing with Rita and Johanna. Liv was on the sofa in jeans, a Siouxie and the Banshees t-shirt, a black cabled cardigan, Christmas red and green striped toe-socks, and a matching red and green striped beanie hat.

"You look snug as a bug in a rug," he teased, joining her on the sofa, lifting her legs up onto his lap. She smiled at him and stuck out her tongue. "This time next year, we're going to have a little one to buy presents for," Rafael said softly. "Everything is going to be different."

"I can't wait," she whispered. "Because it will be with you."

He smiled and held her hands. "I never thought seriously about being a parent until after you made me realize I'd been Jo-jo's father all this time and the world hadn't ended. And now, I'm equal parts terrified and thrilled." His smile grew. "But at least I know how to change diapers."

She laughed then and squeezed his hands. "I love you," Liv murmured.

They lazed around on the sofa watching TV until the buzzer went off. It was too early for either his mother or Rollins to be showing up so Liv merely shrugged at him and gestured for him to go answer it. "Yeah?" he muttered.

"Yo, Uncle Raf, it's cold out here and I brought presents," Johanna whined. "Mom's still hungover and told me to go sledding with my friends in the Park, but I brought all the gifts instead."

It was a no-brainer to let her up. It was only a couple of minutes before he was letting the bespeckled teenager into the apartment and divesting her of her coat. "You'd better call her and let her know where you are before she has a cow," Rafael scolded.

"I told you, she's sleeping," Johanna sighed. "Hi, Liv," she added, waving.

"Hi, Jo," Liv said. "Rafa's right – call your mom."

Johanna huffed and shed her coat, handing it off to Rafael and giving him a big canvas tote bag full of gifts as well. "Okay, okay," she muttered, getting into her purse and getting her phone. After waiting out the rings and the voicemail, she said, "Mom, it's me. I didn't go to Central Park with Nat and Jilly to go sledding like we planned – I went to Uncle Rafi's with the presents. So don't send the cavalry. I'll be home in time to go to Grandma's for dinner. Sober up. Bye." She rolled her eyes and sighed as she dropped the phone back into her purse. "She broke up with the dude she's been kind of seeing. So she's been drinking a lot. It's annoying."

"But is everything okay?" Rafael questioned gently.

Johanna shrugged. "It's fine," she dismissed. "You guys haven't opened presents yet," she said, noting the small tree and the scattering of gifts beneath it.

"My mother and one of Liv's co-workers are coming by later," he said, "so we thought we'd wait and share the experience with them. But we have gifts for you, kiddo – and you've brought things. Are you hungry? Do you want something to drink?"

Johanna smiled at him and said, "You don't have to be a dad all the time just because you are one. I'm okay to get my own stuff if I want it. I'm okay. Really. Does he hover all the time?" she asked Liv.

Liv smirked. "Oh yes. But I like it. Makes me feel safe and loved."

Johanna flopped into the recliner dramatically and sighed. "Yeah. But does he show up for things?"

"Jo-jo, I apologized for missing your concert –"

"Mom explained it to me," Johanna dismissed. "They were really awful people. I can't believe that he almost got elected Mayor."

Liv let out an indelicate snort. "Yes, well, there have been others who have been worse," she commented dryly.

"Yeah, I get that, but they were really shitty," Johanna said, inclining her head meaningfully in Rafael's direction. "Mom said you know them, Uncle Raf."

He took a deep breath, then let it out in a rush that felt like the world coming to an end. How could he possibly explain it to her? And yet how could he not? Liv's brow was creased with concern and she reached out to touch his arm, to ground him, but he shrugged her off, trying to remain present in the space he was in. "I did," he said very quietly. "But I don't anymore. Maybe I never did in the first place." He took another deep breath, tried to smile reassuringly in his daughter's direction, seeing only hope for the future in her face instead of the despair of the past painted across the back of his mind. "Okay, I've got something for you, kid."

"Well, that sounds vaguely terrifying," the teenager quipped with a small smile, leaning into Liv's side for a little hug. He found himself pleased that they got along so well, the two of them, despite Rita's chiding and chivvying, because he wanted the road ahead to be smooth.

"Yeah, well…" he began, pulling a wrapped package out from the front closet where it had been hiding because it was too big to go under the tree. "Don't ask where or how much because we're not telling, are we, Liv?"

Liv laughed and shook her head; in truth, Fin had found it for her out on a run to Harlem in a thrift shop window for $20, and she'd paid him back with the promise of coffees for the next month. It wasn't a hardship at all. "Nope," she said with a smile.

Johanna tore open the paper and gasped. "Oh my gosh! A lobby card for the Edward Gorey Broadway Dracula! Holy crap! I thought those things were a myth."

"Only the best for you, Jo-jo," Rafael said softly. "Liv knew you would love it."

"Thank you both; that's so crazy, I don't know what to say," Johanna stammered, tears in her eyes. "Mom just got me more clothes and a new bow for my violin."

"Your mom's doing the best she can," Liv said. "She's got a lot in her head – law things and work things - and you don't always factor in as a full thought because you're old enough to take care of yourself now. My mother was the same way, from the time I was old enough to make myself a sandwich and walk the couple of blocks to school." She was lying, trying to reassure Jo-jo that it was okay, but she knew better.

And Rafael hated it. He couldn't do much about it. Those two facts existed simultaneously in the same space and made him feel inadequate on several levels; but he was slowly learning that he could only work with what he could control. So he was determined to be the best he could be for his children and for Liv – and himself. He couldn't affect the outcome of Rita's inadequacies or Liv's mother's failures, and he definitely could not do anything but flail against the bars of his own childhood prison until the bars gave way under his fight to do better, be better. And he would.

"There's more," Rafael said, heading for the tree, where two wrapped gifts sat. One was whimsical, one was practical. Both he had picked, knowing Johanna since she had come out of the womb fighting like a warrior for her place in the world. "Enjoy." He handed them over with a little smile.

Johanna opened the first, a hardback copy of the Gorey-illustrated Dracula to match the lobby card Liv had found – that was the whimsical. At the smile on her lips, he felt vindicated in his choice, knowing that her delight was pure and sweet. And when she opened the second – a book of blank sheet music for her composition class – her eyeroll was almost worth the trouble. "Uncle Rafi," she groaned.

"I know, I know," he said, "but you mentioned you were going through so much –"

"Thank you," she interrupted him, holding it up. "I mean, I do need it."

Liv was trying to hold back a smile behind her sleeve, but wasn't doing a very good job of it. "I told you that's a very dad kind of a present," she scolded with a chuckle.

"Yeah, well," he replied with a shrug.

"Did you have to send Carmen to get it?" Johanna asked, raising a brow.

"Amazon," he shot back. "And I've got more coming to you on autodelivery, so don't think you can get on my ass about running out."

"Well, okay then," she retorted with the usual amount of sass that cemented that she was definitely his child by association if not absolutely by blood. She put away her gifts and held up a Nordstrom bag and said, "Now, are you two ready? I don't have much, because mom only gave me a little money, but I've got good shit."

Liv laughed. "Look, when I was a kid, it was a good Christmas if I got a grilled cheese sandwich and a new sweater, honey. I'm just happy to be warm and with you two." Her smile vanished, and he knew she was thinking about the year before when she had been in the middle of destroying things with Cassidy and losing everything dear to her and had been isolated and alone.

"Olivia," Rafael said softly, "from here out, only good memories."

"Only good," she repeated, her tone equally soft.

Johanna cleared her throat and handed a squishy package to Liv. "So, okay, Olivia, you kind of came out of nowhere and my mom is a bitch to you and whatever, but… You're also kind of the best thing that's ever happened to Uncle Rafi and I like you, too. So I wouldn't be mad if you stuck around for a while. You are a great person and you're good for him. So, yeah." She shrugged a little and gestured for Liv to open the thing, looking nervously between Rafael and Liv like she'd overstepped.

"Hey, kid," Rafael said, a little smile on his lips, "Liv's gonna stick around longer than a while. I asked her to marry me and she said yes."

"I did," Liv said with a smile in Johanna's direction as she gently loosened the tape on one edge of the package. She pulled out a beautiful pashmina that looked like it was hand-woven from different kinds and colors of fiber. "Oh, it's gorgeous," she said. "Where did you find it?"

"I got it at a craft fair on the Upper East Side," Johanna said with a smile.

"Rafa, isn't it wonderful?" Liv cooed, holding it up so he could see it. He nearly laughed at how eager she was to bend over backward to please Johanna until he realized that she genuinely loved the garish thing, and then he held his tongue. He could only hope it was an Aboriginal or Peruvian piece with the kind of weaving and coloring in the fibers, otherwise he would be concerned with the artist's eyesight, but to each his own.

"Fabulous," he said as committedly as possible, and smiled to sell the deal.

His gift was a handmade ceramic mug that looked like an 18th century ale tankard. He had to tip his hat to her: she certainly knew him well enough to know that a gift like that would proudly be displayed on his desk at work alongside the photobooth photos of him and Liv looking like fools from the night they went out for empanadas at 3 in the morning for no reason at all other than they were hungry. Soon there would be photos of them with a baby.

He was surprised that he was not opposed to any of these things. Not anymore.

"Jo?" Rafael said. "Thank you. You didn't have to."

"I know – I wanted to," Johanna said. "I wanted to. You always do so much for me and –"

"You're family," he said softly. "No matter what happens." He was about to elaborate on that notion when his phone began to ring; he rolled his eyes and sighed, reaching for it in his pocket. "Rita; to what do I owe the pleasure on this lovely Christmas morning?" Rafael inquired sarcastically.

"Is she still with you?" Rita asked.

"Yeah. You want me to bundle her up and send her home?" he asked, gesturing for Johanna to start gathering up her stuff.

"I suppose she told you my mother is coming over."

"Yeah. So's mine. It's Christmas: things happen." He plopped Rita's wrapped gift – a silk Hermes scarf – into Johanna's bag to be carried home. "You want me to call an Uber for Jo-jo so she doesn't walk home?"

"She walked there?" Rita asked in alarm. "Jesus."

"Do you want me to call an Uber?" he repeated. "Or would you rather I bring her home?"

"Do you mind?"

"I don't mind at all and neither does Liv," he said. "Let me get my shoes on and we'll be on our way, okay?"

Some of the anxiety left his friend's tone as she murmured, "Yeah. Rafi… thank you. I know she's safe when she's with you."

"Rita, it's okay," he assured her. "Go get something to eat and we'll be there in a little bit." He hung up the phone and sighed. "Okay, kid; your mom wants you home."

Johanna made a face and muttered, "Fine. I already got my stuff ready." She swept her hand toward the Nordstrom bag where the lobby card was poking out the top haphazardly but everything else fit. "I hate Christmas."

"Why?"

"Because we have to see Grandma and she always says mean shit about mom and then she says mean shit about me and when she tries to say mean shit about you, mom shoves her out the door because I wasn't supposed to know you were my dad," Johanna huffed. "Grandma has opinions," she said in a scathing tone to Olivia.

"Opinions are like assholes: everyone has one," Olivia replied cheerfully. "Doesn't mean it's right." She gave Johanna a tight hug. "You go give 'em hell, kid: wouldn't expect anything less from you. Merry Christmas."

"Merry Christmas, Olivia," Johanna murmured. "Congratulations – you make Uncle Raf really happy, you know. I've never seen him so happy."

Liv smiled at her. "He makes me very happy, too," she agreed.

"I'm really glad," Johanna said. "You both deserve it." She picked up her bag and went to grab her coat.

He slid into his boots as she was getting into her coat and he got one of his winter jackets on. "Your mom is going to be pissed when she finds out," he warned.

"I know," Jo-jo sighed. "But that's a her problem, isn't it?"

He chuckled. "It really is," he agreed. "You're really okay with us getting married?"

"If you think it's right, then yes." The girl nodded decisively. "Olivia is great. Anyone would be lucky to have her in their life. And you love her so much – it's really obvious, even when you try to avoid showing how much you love her. The whole time you were trying to pay attention to me, you kept looking off at her like you were worrying about her."

They left the apartment and headed downstairs in the elevator. He blushed a little under Johanna's scrutiny. "Well… I do worry," he said with a sigh. "She pushes herself so hard."

"Uncle Rafi, Olivia can take care of herself: she's grown," Johanna scolded.

He laughed and cracked a smile. "Okay, okay." He held his hands up in surrender. "Now, more important than questions about my love life: how am I getting you home before your mother panics?"

"Let's just take the stupid subway," Jo-jo muttered. "She'll never know."

Rafael had to admit that the child was devious and he didn't even care. All he knew was that she was right: what Rita didn't know wouldn't hurt them.

TBC...