A/N: OMG!!!! I UPDATED!!!!! After the months and months of waiting I have finally updated for you all!!! I am soooooo sorry… I swear all you have to do is ask and I'll send either the Phantom, Raoul, or Christine (whichever you prefer) to serenade you into forgiveness:D On with the story!!

Disclaimer: I do NOT own Phantom of the Opera…

Prima Donna Swallows A Frog

Andre: Psst… Firmin!

Firmin: What is it Andre, I'm kind of busy winning back our lead soprano!

Andre: I was wondering… why do we want her back to so badly? She's terrible and Christine has such a lovely voice!

Firmin: Do you want her to scream in alternating French and Spanish?

Andre: Well… no…

Firmin: Then I suggest you shut it and let ME do all the talking! (turns back to Carlotta) So what do you think dearest? Will you give us another chance?

Carlotta: Well… if my personal slaves demand it… yes I will!

Andre and Firmin: Yesssssssss!! (high five each other)

Raoul: Awesome! No wait… I'm supposed to be on Christine's side… or am I? (wanders off to figure this out… not before flipping his hair of course)

Carlotta: That boy… he is… how you would say… cracked in the head?

Firmin: Actually, our theory is that his mother or father accidentally dropped him on the head as an infant…

Andre: OR maybe all those hair sprays and strong shampoos fumes went to his head…

Carlotta: AHEM!!!! Back to me please!

A&F: Oh right… sorry we took our attentions elsewhere… (ahem!) Prima Donna first lady of the stage!!!

Carlotta: Oh! I am so wonderful!

Firmin: Can you deny us the triumph in store!

Andre: Think of how they all adore you? (A/N: Yes that's supposed to be a question mark)

Firmin: I think this is terribly out of order…

Andre: Please… we could tell her that even her burps are beautiful and she would totally bask in it…

Firmin: Hmmm… (both give each other knowing winks)

Firmin: Should we dare?

Andre: As enjoyable as that would be… we should probably not insult Christine for right now… we don't want her to realize what we're up to and then get upset.

Firmin: Ah… another time then… on we go!

Andre: Oh my gosh girlfriend… do you know what I heard about Christine?

Carlotta: (gasp!) Oh good heavens man! Tell me, and quick!

Andre: Well I heard that she slept with Raoul… the PATRON of the whole Opera House!

Carlotta: Well that little (censored) the next time I see her I'll be sure to (censored) (censored) (still censored) (and last censor)!

Firmin: Umm… don't you think that's a tad bit… graphic?

Carlotta: Oh who are you to judge?

Firmin: You're absolutely right!

Carlotta: Don't I know it… now come with me to gloat about my victory all around the Opera House!

Narrator: Suddenly everyone was on stage to line up for the play "Il Muto" or whatever it is… the play about the mute!

Everyone but Carlotta and F&A: Well… we're getting paid to suck up to her highness so… yeah…

Managers: Christine! When did you get here?

Christine: Well you were so busy being brown nosers that you didn't have time to hear Madam Giry announce my late night arrival.

Andre: Oh…

Firmin: Oops…

Carlotta: And why are you apologizing to her?

Firmin: No reason… (a little too quickly)

All: Sing Prima Donna… ONCE MORE!!!!!

…………………..

MG: Oh Christine! Beware the Phantom's wrath this evening!

Christine: Who?

MG: Beware the pirate/bear/british man!!!!

Christine: Oh him?

MG: Yes…

Christine: I have no reason to be afraid… it's just everyone around me that has to worry! (with a bright cheeriness)

MG: Oh! (runs out dramatically)

Christine: (shrugs) Oh well, the show must go on!

…………………

Narrator: So Il Muto commenced shortly after this conversation between Madam Giry and Christine, much to the distaste to The Phantom. But fear not hearty Phangirls!! Our Phantom had a "brilliant" plan.

Phantom: (Pacing back and forth in evil lair) What to do, what to do!! I need a way to shove Carlotta offstage and replace her with Christine, proving my everlasting and undying love! But how??

Narrator: This went on for several more minutes, until finally…

Phantom: I KNOW!!!! I will turn Carlotta into a toad! Then I will shrink the toad down to the size of a pin! After the toad has been successfully shrunk, I will turn it back into Carlotta and take my wax for signing letters and pour it all over her!! BWUAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!

Narrator: Oh come on… that would NEVER work.

Phantom: Yes it would.

Narrator: No it wouldn't.

Phantom: Yes it would.

Narrator: No it wouldn't.

Phantom: Yes it would.

Narrator: No it wouldn't.

Phantom: Yes it would.

Narrator: No it wouldn't.

Phantom: YES IT WOULD!!! That's exactly why I bought this extract of toad!! (holds little bottle of liquid and shakes it)

Narrator: Ooookay!

Phantom: Well, I'm off!!! (prances merrily out the lair and heads up to the stage)

…………………….

Narrator: The performance had already started and the Phantom crept quietly into the shadows, awaiting his task.

Phantom: Bwuahahahahaha… (continues to cackle demonically)

Narrator: Meanwhile, on the stage the opera was going along nicely.

Carlotta: POOOOOOOOOOOR… FOOOOOOOOL… HEEEEEEEEE…. MAAAAAAAAKES… MEEEEEEEEE… LAAAAAAAAUUUUUGGGGHHHH!!!!!!!!

Audience: Oi!

Christine: Yay!! It's a British audience!! (orchestra stops playing because of the interruption)

Audience: Hey! We're French!!

Carlotta: (to Christine) YOUR PART IS SILENT LITTLE TOAD!!!

Christine: (shrinks down in fear and embarrassment)

Audience: Umm… we can still hear you…

Carlotta: No you can't!!!

Audience: Okay…

Carlotta: I NEED MY MOUTH SPRAAAAY!!!!

Random Lady: Oh! I'll get it!!!

Phantom: Cackle, cackle, cackle!! (switches the mouth spray with the extract of toad)

RL: Hmm… I don't remember the spray being in this bottle… or it being this color… (studies bottle a while longer) OH WELL!! (happily skips off with bottle of TOAD ESSENCE!!!)

Phantom: MWUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!

Joseph Bouquet: What was that?? (peers down from the rafters curiously)

Phantom: He heard me! Nooooooooooo!!!!! I must go get rid of him!!

Narrator: Back on the stage…

RL: I have your mouth spray oh holy one!!

Carlotta: SPRAY IT!!!!!

RL: Yes Carlotta!! (Sprays liquid into Carlotta's mouth)

Carlotta: YOU ALWAYS GET IT ON MY CHIN!!! CURSE YOU!!!!

Audience: Umm… we can STILL here you!!

Carlotta: Ahem… (begins to shriek… er sing loudly) POOOOOOOOOR… FOOOOOOL... HEEEEEEEEEEE…. MAAAAAAKKKKKEESSS… MEEEEEEEEE…. LAUUUUGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HAHA… HAHAHA… HAHA!!!! EUGHSCUYH!!!!!

Audience: Come again?

Carlotta: RIBBIT!!!

Audience: GASP!!

Carlotta: RIBBIT!! RIBBIT!!! RIBBIT!!!

Phantom: (in the middle of climbing a rafter to find Bouquet) That's odd… she didn't turn into a toad!! (drops back down to the ground and examines essence of toad) Let's see… oh yes that's why!! It's actually essence of frog that just changes the voice!!

Carlotta: WAAAHHHribbitWAAAHHH!!! (runs backstage in shame)

Phantom: Oh well, the deed is done! Now to find that infuriating Bouquet!

………………………….

Narrator: Meanwhile, the managers had a nasty mess to clean up and Raoul just arrived for the play, fashionably late of course.

Raoul: Oh look! The bosses are talking!! (tries to find a seat)

Andre: We excuse the interruption ladies, gentlemen, and Raoul.

Raoul: What?

Firmin: We promise that the opera will begin in ten minutes and Christine Daee will remarkably change from a mute little boy to the Countess… who is in fact a woman!! Thank you!!

Andre: Please enjoy the ballet while we wait!

Raoul: Ooo goodie!! Christine will be up next!! Now if I could just find a blasted seat… (suddenly spies Box 5) I know!! Box Five is open… brilliant!! (heads to stairs that will take him to the box)

MG: I wouldn't do that if I were you…

Raoul: Oh bugger off. (shoves MG down stairs) Now I'm going up to BOX FIVE… the box that the PHANTOM USUALLY OCCUPIES!!

…………………………….

(Up in the rafters)

Phantom: Aaaargh!!!! My Box 5 senses are tingling!! And something smells of fop!!

Bouquet: (somewhere in the distance) I'm going onto a precarious rafter right over the stage and next to a noose!!! Lalalalalala!!!

Phantom: Drat! Raoul will have to wait, I must tend to Bouquet… wait did someone say noose?? (scuttles off towards Bouquet)

……………..

(In Christine's dressing room)

Christine: Blasted… corset… (struggles to tighten strings) Where is Madam Giry??

Narrator: There is a mysterious puff of smoke and a loud popping noise!!

MG: (emerging through the smoke) You rang?

Christine: You are aware that was oober creepy right?

MG: What was?

Christine: (Motions to the smoke all around)

MG: Oh yeah… I was smoking a little earlier and I guess the smoke kind of hangs around me…

Christine: Ugh… chain smoker!

MG: Well, since you don't really need me I'll be off!! (poofs away)

Christine: Wait!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Narrator: Will the Phantom ever find Bouquet? Will Christine ever get her corset laced up correctly and perform in front of an audience? And for goodness sake will Raoul ever stop being a fop?? Find out… next time!!

A/N: Yeah… everything the narrator said… :D Please review and make me happy!!!