A/N: Remember how I said I was being selectively compliant? Yeah, this chapter is a prime example. I wrote several chapters of this before DH came out and thought about adjusting it, but, eh. It works better for me this way. And before I get any further, I should mention that I totally got this plot bunny from a movie called Tomcats, but it is not my intent to write a parody. I just liked the basic idea and, as far as I know, the similarity ends at that :)
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Chapter 2
Three Weddings
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"You'll need to sign these," Hermione said as she passed out rolls of parchment to the four witches gathered around a bistro table just outside of Fortescue's Ice Cream Parlor. "All of our names will be on the bank vault and once a winner is determined by the means described in Section E, Paragraph 3, all holdings of the vault will be awarded appropriately."
"Sounds pretty straightforward to me," said Ginny as she put the final loop on her signature and handed the quill over to Pansy.
"It's settled then. Granger will come around and make sure everyone pays up and then she'll make the deposit into our vault." Pansy made the final embellishments on her own signature and passed the quill on to Luna.
"Er... right. If everyone agrees, that is." Hermione always felt it best to be democratic about such things, but the truth was she felt most comfortable in the position of responsibility. It was agreed upon easily.
Millicent took the quill from Luna and hesitated a moment before signing.
"Oh, go on, Milli," Pansy encouraged, sensing her apprehension. "It isn't as if you're signing your life away. It's just a bit of fun."
"If you say so Pansy," she said with a nervous grin as she wrote her name on the parchment.
"Is that everything?" Luna asked.
Hermione nodded as she put her own name down. "All done here, so if you have other important matters to attend to..."
"Not important, really. I just need to find a new left shoe. Mine has gone missing again." Luna sighed indifferently, then gave a small smile to her tablemates before she sauntered on down Diagon Alley with one bare foot.
Hermione, dismissing Luna's usual oddness, gathered the signed contracts and the first deposit of galleons, and headed back to Gringotts as everyone else parted ways.
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Less than six months after their first deposit, Millecent Bulstrode walked down the aisle to become Mrs. Millicent Nott. Everyone, excluding Luna, was shocked. Theodore Nott was considered quite the catch with his good looks and charm, not to mention the size of his Gringott's vault (among other things) and there were many witches that wept for something other than joy on the Notts' wedding day.
The involved members of the Witches' Wager once again found themselves dressed uniformly in surprisingly beautiful, pale pink, chiffon gowns. They made an ostensibly odd group of bridesmaids, especially for what amounted a to be a group of guests who were mostly Slytherin alumni. Even so, the strange mix of Millicent's chosen bridal party was an issue far overshadowed by the subject of the improbable wedding couple, which was discussed at large during the reception.
"I would say that Nott must have gotten her pregnant, except I can't even wrap my mind around the thought of them having sex," Ginny pondered aloud. "And surely she isn't intelligent enough to trap him into a marriage with blackmail or some such device."
At this point Pansy chose to make an appearance after she had been mingling amongst the other guests. "He's actually in love with her," she said as if it were the most vile reason on the planet for one to marry another.
"But that's... nice for them." Even Hermione was hesitant to believe the truth in Pansy's statement.
Ginny still felt there had to be a different reason for the union. "Do you think she's capable of casting an Imperius curse?"
Pansy laughed humorlessly. "I wish she were. No, I'm quite sure that he's completely, utterly, and disgustingly in besotted with the bint." She looked as if she were about ready to wretch.
"Just because Millicent isn't the most...attractive witch by normal standards, doesn't mean that there isn't a wizard out there who couldn't find her so," Hermione said, though she was still doubtful.
Then Luna added, "I think they make a lovely couple. They'll produce some very fine children."
Knowing a debate with Luna was pointless, Ginny pushed for a better explanation from Pansy. "Why would you believe that he's in love with her?"
Pansy rolled her eyes and sighed. "Because I tried to seduce him earlier and he wasn't very receptive. Well... I mean he was receptive, but he wasn't particularly willing, and that sort of takes the fun out of it." At this, she leaned forward and beckoned her table-mates to follow suit so she could share a piece of juicy gossip. "By the way," she said in a low voice, "it's true what they say about the size of his - "
"Wait, you tried to seduced him earlier... today?" Ginny interrupted as it occurred to her just what Pansy was saying.
The dark haired witch leaned back in her seat and gave Ginny an assuming look. "Of course."
"That's despicable." Hermione was horrified. "I thought Millicent was your friend."
"I was being a friend to her," Pansy insisted. "If I had succeeded, then obviously Teddy couldn't be considered worthy of marrying her. There are only two reasons a man would turn me down. He's either resolutely gay, which Teddy most certainly is not, or he's desperately in love."
The entire table stared at her in disbelief.
"Alright. So I wasn't completely looking out for Milli's best interests. But I had to try. Just think what a wasted piece of delectable man-flesh he is now. It's sad, really."
The table continued to stare at her, no one quite able to find the words to explain to her just why she was wrong - and right at the very same time.
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Nearly three years later, Hermione Granger, at long last, became Ginny's third sister-in-law. Early in the engagement, Molly Weasley began dropping subtle hints about her thoughts on the ideal wedding ceremony for her son and future daughter-in-law. She had oft mentioned what a very fine thing it would be to have the entire Weasley clan get together and finally celebrate a wedding together as one big happy family.
The prior two Weasley brothers' weddings had occurred during a less than ideal time as war was raging in the wizarding world. Bill and Fleur had a quiet ceremony with close friends and family in attendance. Molly had been quite upset when Percy did not make an appearance and doubly so when he decided to elope with Penelope only a month later. Fortunately, all became rather forgiving when the both couples announced the pending births of the first batch of Weasley grandchildren.
Despite Hermione's initial dream of having a quiet ceremony of her own, she found that she couldn't bring herself to disappoint Molly. The wedding party included all of the Weasley siblings in order to prevent any hurt feelings (though nearly all of Ron's brothers insisted that the idea they would squabble over the position of groomsmen was ridiculous). Harry, of course, was Ron's best man. Bill and Percy had wives which made it easy for Hermione to include them as bridesmaids and she was grateful that Ginny counted as a Weasley as well as her maid of honor. She was left, however, to find partners for Charlie, Fred and George in order to balance out the party.
Luna was an obvious choice, since Hermione had known her for years and Millicent Nott had come to see her as a mentor of sorts over the years, so Hermione felt she could be included as well. Unfortunately, when she asked Milli to be a bridesmaid, she mentioned, offhandedly, that she only needed to find one more to round out the party. While trying to think of potential candidates, Pansy Parkinson showed up at her office unannounced.
"So, Milli tells me that you finally snagged the Weasel - er, Weasley. Congratulations!"
"Thank you, Pansy." Hermione was a little more than shocked to see Pansy outside of her annual visit to drop off the Galleons for the wager.
"You are inordinately lucky that my social calendar has an opening the day of your wedding."
"Am I?"
"Of course you are. That means I'm free to be one of your bridesmaids."
Hermione could barely believe that Pansy, of all people, had just invited herself to be part of her wedding; she was speechless.
"There's going to be Muggles there," Hermione finally said, trying out the first thing that came to mind as to why Pansy shouldn't be a bridesmaid.
"I know. And I'm sure that's why you hesitated in asking me yourself, but I'm sure I can bear it for one day, just for you. I won't even insult them in any way that they understand while I'm around them if it makes you feel any better. Consider it my wedding gift."
"Okay." Hermione was still at a loss for words.
"Besides, I've always wondered what it would be like to shag a Muggle. There are going to be Muggle men at your wedding, right?"
By the time Pansy left, Hermione still couldn't come up with a decent way to convince Pansy not to come to the wedding. Since it did save her the hassle of figuring out one last person to round out the wedding party, Hermione simply let it be.
Pansy did end up being rather useful. The bridesmaid dresses ended up less than appealing at the cost they were willing to pay, so Pansy insisted on scrapping them in favor of a dress better suited to flatter her own figure and thought nothing of purchasing dresses for the remainder of the party. When the Arctic orchids Hermione had originally chosen for the wedding became practically unattainable and she needed to resort to using blue orchids, Pansy stepped in and special ordered the Arctics through a connection she had in Finland. Pansy claimed that blue orchids would clash with the bridesmaid dresses and she wouldn't stand for that. Hermione had intended to draw the line at that, but then Pansy was horrified at the thought of there not being an open bar at the reception and made arrangements to include it. When Hermione informed Ron that she was going to cancel the open bar, he sided with Pansy saying that it was the least she could do for inviting herself to their wedding. After all, Pansy had informed Hermione that she should consider everything (along with her inclusion in the wedding party) an early wedding gift.
So, once again, Ginny found herself sitting at the bridesmaid table with the members of the Witches' Wager, and once again they were discussing marriage.
"I saw this one coming a mile away," Pansy claimed as she sipped on her third margarita.
"Everyone saw this coming from a mile away," Ginny giggled. "Ron had a crush on her for years before he came out and said anything."
Luna was a little sullen and she sipped on an odd purple and orange concoction. "I didn't see it coming," she said quietly.
"I thought you'd gotten over your crush on him." Ginny looked at her friend sympathetically.
Pansy sputtered, "You actually liked the Weasel? Lovegood, you can do so much better than that."
Ginny shot the dark haired witch a glare. Pansy shrugged. "What? I'm only trying to console the poor girl. I simply do not understand what there is to like about the red-headed, freckle faced git."
Luna sighed. "I was told by my Great Grandmama that my soulmate was someone with red hair and freckles and I was sure she was lucid when she told me that. She did have a bit of Seeing in her. Of course, she also mumbled a lot and she might have said my soulmate was someone with Rederrin Speckles."
"Rederrin Speckles?" Milli asked, returning to the table after being swept across the dance floor by her husband.
"It's a disease that was cured by the Wizarding world centuries ago," Ginny explained. "Luna, no one's even heard of a case of that for over three hundred years."
Luna sighed again. Ginny had never seen her normally optimistic friend so glum. "It only means that what Great Grandmama was really saying was that I was never meant to find my soulmate because I was born too late."
"Look on the brightside," Pansy said cheerfully, "That means you'll win the bet."
At that moment, Charlie Weasley approached the table and asked Luna to dance. She stared at him for a moment before her usual dreamy demeanor returned to her and she accepted his invitation.
"I guess Great Grandmama really did say red hair and freckles," Pansy observed as the couple swept past them with their eyes glued only on each other.
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Two and a half years after Luna and Charlie danced their first dance together, they joined hands in a moonlight ceremony and were declared wizard and wife. The same group of witches were in attendance in their usual roles in the wedding party, mostly because Luna thought it had become an unofficial tradition for their odd little circle. As the already married-off witches in the group paired off with their husbands and retired before moonset, Ginny and Pansy found themselves congratulating each other for never giving in to any of the men in their lives. Neither wanted to admit that they felt just a little lonely being single while most other witches and wizards they knew had found their life companions. Instead, they drank as heavily as possible and discussed men and their general uselessness.
"They're really only good for sex," Pansy commented blearily. "It's too bad we can't just detach their willies from them and send the useless part of them away."
"We can, actually," Ginny pointed out. "I read about a charm that even keeps them in good working order."
"Yes, well, I tried that once. It just wasn't the same."
Ginny deadpanned for two beats before she burst out laughing hysterically.
"Well, it wasn't," Pansy repeated before she caught the humor in it and joined Ginny in hilarity.
When they exhausted their ability for mad giggling, Ginny sighed. "Surely there has got to be at least one decent male left."
Pansy snorted. "And I thought you were resolute in your journey to being a bitter old maid."
"Oh, come on now, Parkinson, don't you have days where the idea of an wedding ring on your finger and a warm body to come home to isn't so bad?"
"All the decent males left in the world are either gay or married. If you want jewels and companionship, I'd suggest you get a niffler. That's what I'm going to do."
Ginny grinned and never realized exactly how bitter Pansy had become over the years. "Wasn't there ever anyone you thought you might marry?"
Pansy took another swig out of an almost empty bottle of firewhiskey and pondered for a moment before answering. "Draco Malfoy. I should have never let him go," she sniffled longingly before passing out.
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A/Nb: Thanks for all the lovely reviews!