A/N: See? I updated a little quicker this time right:D Anyway, I was going to explain something in the last author's note but forgot. Hersheygal asked in a review a couple chapters ago about what the characters were really saying when they said "WTF?" I always meant it as literally "W T F" because… I thought that might be funnier. It can really be thought of any way though. Anyway, a little late in the game to mention this right? Anywho, this is probably second to last chapter since… there are only so many scenes left. (sniffle) This will the second story that I've ended!! It shall be strange. Hope you enjoy the chapter!
Disclaimer: I don't own Phantom of the Opera. If I did I assure you there would not be a "Phantom of the Opera 2" coming out. (scowl)
Narrator: Well, the Phantom is currently dragging Christine down to his lair to make her his… wife for the rest of her life. Christine isn't too pleased with the situation but she isn't exactly fighting him off either.
Christine: Eww… this passage way is gross! Did you redecorate or something?
Phantom: Yes I did actually… you like? I thought that all the pretty lights were too distracting and wanted to show people what the REAL lair was behind all the glitter and lights was like. You know… all that 'being yourself" jazz.
Christine: (gasp!) How artistic! (still tries not to touch the walls)
Phantom: Yes… I thought so too. Now come on wench!
Christine: Eek!
Narrator: Raoul was still up in his box office crying his eyes out… just like the Raoul from Leroux's novel. Wussy. Anyway, Madam Giry heard his tears and came looking for him, despite her better judgment.
MG: Oh crap… I think Raoul is crying again. (tries to ignore the sounds and leave the burning theater)
Raoul: (faint but still audible) Ch-ch-Christiiiiiiinnnneeee!!! (sob, sob) W-w-wh-where are you?????
MG: Little baby… (begins to leave but suddenly clutches her stomach) HOLY SHIT! I think I'm having a heart attack! NOOO!!! (suddenly realizes something) Oh… damn. I'm having those stupid guilty feelings again! I thought they went away for good after the last time!
Raoul: (singing pitifully) Christine I looooOOOOoooove you!
MG: I should just leave… stupid git deserves to burn. I bet his hair will catch fire first because of all that hairspray! (hears Raoul sobbing) (sighs) God dammit.
Narrator: The kind Madam Giry then found Raoul in his box and offered to help him find Christine. Raoul was overjoyed and his tears were dried from his face. At last he had a chance to be gallant. He had the chance to do something noble. He had the chance to do something right.
Raoul: Eww… I don't want to go down there! It's all gross! And what if he tries to kill me?
MG: You will march your little butt down there and you will LIKE it mister!
Raoul: (gulp) Yes!
Narrator: And soon the daring duo were headed down to the Phantom's lair through a secret entrance that only Madam Giry knew about. Meg tried to come along but her mother refused to let her go for her daughter's own good.
Meg: Can I help?
MG: No, Meg, no! Could you imagine having both a fop AND a blonde on this trip? It would be utter disaster and I don't want to be blamed for it! (ushers Raoul down the stairway)
Meg: Stereotypical old witch…
Narrator: Meanwhile, down with the Phantom and Christine, there were many a name calling.
Christine: You're ugly.
Phantom: You're stupid.
Christine: I hate you.
Phantom: I hate you more.
Christine: No, I hate YOU more.
Phantom: No, I hate YOU more.
Christine: No, I hate YOU more.
Phantom: No, I hate YOU more.
Christine: No, I hate YOU more.
Phantom: No, I hate YOU more.
Christine: Your soul is like a bottomless pit in which all the darkness of the world is sucked into and makes you far less handsome than any scar on your face could make you. You are a cold, shrewd old man that only delights in peeping in on the ballet girls and making life a living hell for anyone around you. In short, your haunted face holds no horror for me now. It's in your soul where the true distortion lies.
Phantom: Wait… hang on. You know what the word 'distortion' means? Bravo.
Christine: Ugh! Just forget it! I'm gonna try your dress on now! (storms off)
Phantom: Women… SHEESH!
Narrator: Back with Madam Giry and Raoul…
MG: Keep your hand at the level of your eye
Raoul: What the freak is that supposed to mean?
MG: Hand at the level of your eeeeyyeee…
Raoul: WTF?
MG: We're at step number 52. I can go no further.
Raoul: Well… thanks for all your help. (is still confused about the hand thing)
MG: Tell Erik hi for me when you get down there!
Raoul: Umm… kay… (takes one step down the staircase and suddenly falls down a trick stair)
MG: My guiltiest feeling couldn't prevent me from enjoying THAT! (walks away laughing)
Narrator: Alas, Raoul had fallen into a conveniently placed pool of water and soon realized that he had no idea how to swim.
Raoul: My hair!!! (struggles to stay on top of the rapidly rising water) Where's the lifeguard in this pool??
Narrator: What happened next was that Raoul began to flail and fall into the water… deeper and deeper until he thought that he was sure to die. That is, until he saw a huge lever that read "Turn Water Off".
Raoul: It's my only chance! (flips the lever so conveniently labeled) (water begins to go back down)
Narrator: It would seem that the Phantom would much rather his victims escape the watery doom. What other excuse could he possibly have to own a lever in the rising water chamber that says "turn water off"? Who would be so stupid… oh. Anyway… back downstairs with Phanty and Christine.
Christine: (comes out in the creepy wedding dress)
Phantom: You look hot! By the way, there's no way you're leaving this lair.
Christine: I'm so not talking to you right now.
Phantom: (tauntingly) Looks like you just did!
Christine: (eyes widen)
Phantom: Oh… you're eyes are naturally wide sweetie. Don't manually widen them anymore. It doesn't suit you.
Christine(scowl)
Phantom: What was that?
Christine: (sniff)
Phantom: Wanna talk about my disgusting face some more? It's hideous, right?
Christine: I think we already covered that earlier. Not much to talk about now.
Phantom: AHA!
Christine: Curse my talkative mouth and short attention span!
Somewhere In The Distance: CoughSplutterCough!
Phantom: WTF is that?
Christine: It rather sounds like what Raoul would sound like if he were nearly drowned.
Phantom: That's interesting… (innocent whistle)
ChristineI think it's getting closer!
SID: More WATER? (wails)
Phantom: He's found the lake it seems…
Christine: Now it sounds like he's swimming!
Phantom: (is surprised) I would have never thought he would have gotten past the trick step! In fact, I never thought he would even start this journey! (suddenly hopeful) Maybe he'll drown on the way here.
Christine: He was never a strong swimmer…
Narrator: But Raoul did not drown. His fear of Madam Giry kept his little legs and arms thrashing as he slowly crossed the large lake until he found water shallow enough for him to stand in. Then he waded into view of the two skeptics.
Raoul: (gasp) I've come to (gasp) save you Christine! (sees Christine standing with Phantom in the Phantom's little throne of music) YAY! (tries to run to Christine but runs straight into the large metal bars separating the two)
Phantom: (grin) They always do that…
Christine: RAOUL!
Raoul: AAAAHHH!!!! (holds face tenderly) I think a bruise is coming!
Phantom: So good to see you your fopness!
Raoul: (remembers why he came) Don't hurt Christine!
Phantom: Pssh… what do you take me for? An ABUSIVE pedophile?
Raoul: Then please let her go!
Christine: No Raoul… wait!
Raoul: Can't you see that I love her?
Phantom: Well… in that case… I'll let the both of you go.
Raoul: Really?
Phantom: Nah. ¡Es un chiste! That argument will take you nowhere buddy. I love her too. (Quick translation: Nah, I'm just kidding)
Christine: Hey! I'm not some piece of meat that you can fight over!
Phantom and Raoul: Not now Christine!
Christine: This seems too familiar…
Phantom: Why don't you come in and TRY to get her?
Raoul: Hmm…
Christine: Raoul, don't do it! He's only going to ki-
Raoul: Okay!
Phantom: (opens gate and lets Raoul in)
Christine: Oi.
Raoul: Now… about Christine… (suddenly looks around lair) Hey, this is pretty nice! Did you get someone down here to redesign for you?
Phantom: Actually… yes I did.
Raoul: Oh… looks nice!
Phantom: (brightly) Thanks! Oh, and by the way… (throws rope around Raoul's neck)
Raoul: Aaahhh! Hand at the level of your eye! (sees rope is already around his neck) Damn!
Phantom: I've got you now fop! (pulls rope tight) Mwuahahahaha!
Raoul: Gack!
Christine: (gasp!)
Phantom: (as he is tying Raoul's arms so he can't escape) So here's the dealie-o… basically what I want to happen is that you (points to Christine) need to pick between me and him (points to Raoul). If you pick me then Your Royal Fopness will live. If you choose him then the Prom Queen will die.
Christine: What??? (singing) The tears I might have shed for your dark fate grow cold and turn to tears of hate!
Raoul: Christine forgive me, please forgive me! (while gasping for air and tearing up again) I did it all for you and all for nothing!
(background music grows more intense)
Christine: Farewell my fallen angel and false friend!
Phantom: Too late for turning back… too late for hopeless prayers and pity!
Raoul: Uhh… guys?
(background music grinds to a halt)
Raoul: I would love to keep (gasp) doing this but (gasp) I think I'm (gasp) blacking out!
Phantom: Shall we move along then?
Raoul: Yes please…
Phantom: Okey dokey then… Christine, make your choice!
Christine: Oh… (glances between the two men) this is haaaard!!
Raoul: Christine… (gasp) I (gasp) don't (gasp) want (gasp) to (gasp) die!
Phantom: Oh how gallant (dryly)
Christine: (thought she heard Raoul say that he would rather die than see her enslaved) Oh Raoul… how sweet!
Phantom: (sigh) Can you hurry this up? Any longer and the only thing I have to use as a bribe might suffocate.
Christine: I have made my choice!
Raoul: (eyes are practically rolling into his head and is turning blue)
Christine: I choose you! (points to Phantom)
Phantom: WTF?? Really?
Christine: Yup.
Phantom: Even though I'm a miserable wretch that is literally tearing your world apart?
Christine: You're doing what now?
Phantom: (tear) Oh no… I'm becoming as emotional as Raoul…
Christine: Aww…
Raoul: (choke)
Phantom: Aw crap… I can't keep you here now that you are willing to throw away your life for the man you love. Even if he's a total she-man.
Christine: Oh… (is feeling a little rejected)
Phantom: Would you go untie him for me? Thanks. I'm too busy trying to contain my bitter tears.
Christine: (shrug) Sure! Obviously you don't want to make out so what else could I do? (wades through water and quickly unties Raoul while Phantom stares dumbstruck. He had never thought about the possibility of snogging)
Phantom: Wait a minute…
Christine: There you go! (finishes untying Raoul)
Raoul: AAAAAIIIIIIIIRRRR!!!!! (gulping in air and rubbing throat)
Christine: Are you okay?
Phantom: Hold the phone… (is still dazed)
Raoul: Yeah… I think I'm okay… I saw the light there for a minute though. (pause) So what did I miss?
Christine: Oh you poor baby… (coos over Raoul)
Phantom: Oh… eww. (is still peeved that he missed his big make out moment) Please get out of here before you partake in some disgusting PDA. There's a boat you can take that.
Angry Mob: Whoa! The dude's lair is down here!
Phantom: Did you leave the door open?? (looks at Raoul)
Raoul: Madam Giry was supposed to close it on her way out.
Phantom: She's a wily one that Giry… (chuckles) (sees Christine and Raoul looking all kissy together) For the love of music would you get out of here? Must you rub my anguish and my loss in my face? SCRAM!
Christine: Oh… thank you good sir! I'll never forget the way that you lied to me my entire life, kidnapped me at least once, threatened everything I love, tried to force me to become your bride, and nearly killed my fiancé. (tear) Such sweet memories! Bye!
Raoul: Christine… will you help me to the boat? My knees are unstable.
Christine: Aww… (helps Raoul into the boat).
Phantom: (sigh)
Angry Mob: Hey! I think this one is a trick step… watch out!
Christine and Raoul: (Sail away on the gondola.)
Phantom: (muttering) Oh don't worry about me… I'll be fine… (eye roll) (suddenly sees something on the floor) Hey… what's that? (picks up shiny object) It's Christine's engagement ring! She left it as a sign that she really does love me and will think of me always! OH HAPPY DAY!! (skips away to bash all his mirrors in a fit of happiness)
Narrator: However, back in the gondola…
Christine: (to herself) Oh crud… I dropped my ring back in the lair somewhere. Poor Raoul! He'll be so offended! Gotta cover it up. (to Raoul) Hey hun, what do you think about a new engagement ring? I think the old one has too many bad memories now.
Raoul: Sure.
Christine: (to herself) YESSS!!
Narrator: The mob eventually found the Phantom's lair but found it empty of Opera Ghosts.
Meg: It's empty… what a shame. He really wasn't that bad looking under the mask. (suddenly sees something) What's that? Is it the Phantom's mask? (looks closer) It is! Oh this means… he's dead! (sob) Poor thing.
Angry Mob: So what now?
Meg: Take whatever looks valuable… maybe we can sell it. He won't need it anymore.
Two hours later
Phantom: (enters singing and holding a Starbucks paper cup) And then you say what can make me feel this way? My girl… (stops singing) What the hell happened in here? Everything's gone! (swears) I step out for a latte to go celebrate the fact that the girl I've obsessed over for most of her natural life is truly in love with me because of the ring she left behind and an angry mob comes and robs you! What's up with that?! Where are my anti-depressants? (storms off)
Narrator: And Christine never went back to the Opera House. In fact, she never even sang opera again. She and Raoul lived a long happy life filled with shiny objects to amuse the both of them. She died just before Raoul did.
A/N: Okay, one chapter left. :D I'm a little sad… I hate ending stories though it has to happen sometime. Please leave me a review! They make me happy!