Chapter 57
-Commercial Break-
Voice over: Guys, are you tired of the constant nagging of the women in your life? Ladies, are you irritated by your children or the incompetence of your husband? If you answered any form of 'yes!' to any of these questions, then we have the solution for you! Try NEW Maximum Strength Dammitol! Just take 2, and the rest of the world can 'Go to Hell!' for up to 8 hours.
-Back to the show-
Video clip recaps the journey through the hallway and then fades into the set of the Judge Judy Show. Jerry is sitting in the Judge's chair,
Steve is standing by the door, in the bailf's spot. The guests are dispersed in the front rows, with what's left of the audience sitting with 2 empty rows between them and the guests.
Jerry: And we're back. As you have seen, we have had quite the interesting show today...
He is cut off by the loud growl of Goku's stomach rumbling, then Gohan's, Goten's, and soon, every Saiyan's stomach is rumbling in unison.
Jerry: Ok, What the hell is that?
Goku: I'm hungry!
Goten & Trunks (in unison): Me too!
Gohan: Same here.
Jerry: Well...so am I..a little...is anyone else here hungry?
Everyone but Chiaotzu: murmurs various forms of "yes"
Chiaotzu: (belches) I just ate though...
Jerry: Well, sorry. We're in the middle of a show, and we can't afford to stop for a lunch break!
Everyone: (sighs and groans)
Vegeta: (Stands up and shouts) This looks like a job for the Great Lord Vegeta! snaps his fingers twice
As Vegeta snaps, a Japanese grill is carried into the room and placed in front of the Judge's podium, along with various containers of unknown substances. The people carrying the grill turn the heat on and walk off the set.
Vegeta: approaches the grill then turns to face the rest of the guests Trunks, Bulma, get up here!
Trunks and Bulma turn to each other and nod in agreement, apparently knowing what Vegeta has in mind, and then make their way up to the front of the room, and stand off to the side of Vegeta, but out of his way.
Vegeta: Now, you better get good and ready
I, the Lord Vegeta,
Shall cook a-plenty!
(starts singing as he starts pulling things out of the containers)
First of all, the cabbage, chop it finely
Smash it into atoms for me!
Trunks & Bulma: (singing backup) chop it up, chop it up, chop, chop it up
Vegeta: You're next, you bastard carrot!
That name of yours sounds like the word for "humans"
Small, completely spineless bastard
Your bitter taste makes one puke!
Ha ha ha ha ha !
But that tack won't work against me!
Now, slowly peel off all of the skin
Reveal, reveal, let's carve it up!
Trunks & Bulma: Reveal, reveal, reveal, reveal
Vegeta: Ooooh, next we have the meat of a pig!
Ah, it is so well glazed
Now you watch the fresh bastard
Violently throbbing chest, great garnish!
Now, concentrate all your power
200g in one gulp is all there is to a coma!
Trunks & Bulma: Ragged, Ragged, Ragged, Ragged-ged-ged-aaah
Vegeta: Alright, the challenge is with the yam!
Why you, putting on a rough exterior and all that
I'm going to strip that skin of yours!
Trunks & Bulma: Slipp'ry, Slipp'ry, Slipp'ry, Slipp'ry, Sticky, Sticky,
Sticky, Sticky
Vegeta: You naughty bastard!
Trunks & Bulma: Scrub it, Scrub it, Scrub it, Scrub it, Dirty, Dirty,
Dirty, Dirty
Vegeta: Twirl your hand to finish it right off!
You're oh so slippery and make me itch
But you won't defeat me
Till the end I'll scrub you out I'd bet my honor on it!
(breathing heavily)
Now, you blasted left-over scraps
I'll round each of you up to the last piece!
Mix the water in with the flour!
Stuff in some Tenkasu and egg yolks!
Drop in some shredded ginger
And mix!
Trunks & Bulma: Mix mix mix
Vegeta: And you bastards a while ago, oh so, so sloppy
Mix them all in one big mess
Then just cook them up on an iron plate slowly, carefully
Trunks & Bulma: Sizzle, Sizzle, Sizzle
Vegeta: And for the finishing touch, green seaweed in sauce with Okaka!
How now, have you had enough already!
Ha ha ha ha ha!
The Okonomiyaki Battle is over
Now, open your mouth wide
This is the peak of perfection!
Oh blast it,
I just completely forgot the mayonnaise!
-A/N: This song is called "Vegeta's Cooking Hell", and is a real song.-
Chiaotzu: (stands up and throws a jar of mayonnaise at Vegeta, cracking it off his forehead) There ya go!
Vegeta: (rubs his head and grumbles) yeah yeah...you'll get yours soon!
Chiaotzu: (appears between Vegeta and Bulma) Sure...I'll be waiting.
(slaps Bulma's ass and then kicks Vegeta in his Achilles tendon)
Vegeta: (stumbles forward, barely catching himself before he falls flat onto the still hot grill)
Bulma: (giggles lightly) Stop playing around you two. Ok everyone, let's eat!
Vegeta: (grumbles something about hunting down a recipe for "Clown-puppet stew")
2 hours and 50lbs of Okonomiyaki later
Goku: Ooooh, man I'm stuffed...what am I doing here again?
Other guests: (show various signs of agreement)
Jerry: (bangs the gavel) We're here to do my show!
Judge Judy: (stands up and approaches Jerry) Hold it right there buster!
Only I get to bang the gavel around here, it's my gavel and my set. You bang that one more time and I'm sending you to the big house, where you'll have your gavel banged...constantly. By tall, muscle-bound,
balding men with tattoos in the shape of hearts on their arms, thighs,
and buttocks. Ya get the picture?
Jerry: (raises a brow at Judge Judy) Uh...yeah...I get the picture.
Anyways, our next guest is ready and anxious to come out. So let's welcome Yajir...
Balif: (interrupts) All rise! Case number 1337, Yajirobe vs Maron.
Jerry: Hey...wait a minute.
Judy: (moving to take her rightful position) MISTER SPRINGER! If you speak without being spoken to one more time, I will hold you in contempt of court! pushes him off to the side You will get your turn...
Yajirobe and Maron walk in from opposite sides of the room. Yajirobe apparently had someone bring him some okonomiyaki, because he has a small remnant of mayo on the corner of his mouth. Maron, on the other hand, is not her usual chipper self. Her expression is solemn and in her hand she clutches a brightly colored pink handkerchief dotted with yellow polka dots. She and Yajirobe take their places at the "Plantif"
and "Defendant" podiums.
Judge Judy: (eyes Maron and Yajirobe) Oh boy...
Marron: (nudges Krillin) Who's that daddy? She has the same name as me.
Krillin: That's the girl who was almost your mother...and the inspiration behind my book...too bad it never worked out between us.
Marron puts her arms around Krillin and pulls his face into her cleavage.
Krillin: (smiling and talking into her) I have all that I'll ever need in you and your mom, so don't you worry.
Judge Judy: Alright...Miss Maron, you're suing Mister Yajirobe for... a dead cat?
Maron: (bursts out crying) YES.
Judge Judy: Oh dear lord, child, GET AHOLD OF YOURSELF!
Maron: (sniffles and blows her nose into her handkerchief) Sorry your honor...
Judge Judy: Now, tell me your story Miss Maron.
Maron: Well, after I broke up with my bald and seriously lacking in the penis department boyfriend, Krillin, I met Yajirobe in the middle of a desert.
Marron: (stands up, knocking Krillin to the floor) I OBJECT! My daddy does NOT lack in the penis department!
#18 jumps up and clasps her hand over Marron's mouth, pulling her back to her seat.
Judge Judy: (raises an eyebrow and spots Krillin, who is picking himself up off the floor) Is this true, Mister Krillin?
Krillin: (stutters) I..uh...well..I...y-yeah. It's true your honor. But at that time, I was unaware of the powers of 'Bob' and Enzyte!
#18 starts whistling the "Enzyte tune"
Krillin: (turns and smiles at #18) Yes, 18 made me get right on it before she'd even let me taker her out on a date.
Judge Judy: That's...too much information, Mister Krillin. Now take your seat. I want no further outbursts. You may continue your story, Miss Maron.
Maron: I thought he had a nice car and he had a nice big sword in which he could protect me with, so I got with him. He ended up being a good cook and a really nice guy that bought me whatever I wanted, and we lived in a big tower, right under where the current god lives.
Dende smiles at this. Him and Piccolo pump fists.
Maron: We lived with this cat named Korin, and he was really cute and sweet and was really into growing these sensei beans.
Goku: (nudges Vegeta) Sensei beans? What are those?
Vegeta: Hell if I know.
Yajirobe: (turns around) She means the senzu beans you morons!
Judge Judy: MISTER Yajirobe, if you please. Sit Down and Shut Up!
Yajirobe: (notices there's no chair or stool for him to sit on) But I..
Judge Judy: (interrupts) I don't wanna hear it! We'll get to you soon enough...and clean that white shit off the side of your mouth! It's sickening me.
Yajirobe wipes his finger along the side of his mouth till he removes the mayo, then licks it off.
Judge Judy: Now, Miss Maron...continue.
Maron: But he was really big, like...the size of a 6 year old child and walked around on his hind legs and spoke and stuff, so I wanted a kitty of my own. Yajirobe got it for me and it was the sweetest cutest thing.
I have pictures of her, your honor, her name was Cottonball.
The bailf comes and takes a manila folder from Maron's podium and hands it to Judge Judy. She opens the folder to find it's full of hundreds of photos of Cottonball in all kinds of situations. From sitting in the litterbox taking a dump to being huggled and squeezed in Maron's deadly bear hug. Judge Judy rolls her eyes and then signals for her to continue.
Maron: One day, however, I walked into our bedroom and...AND YAJIROBE WAS FUCKING POOR COTTONBALL.
Judge Judy: ...
Jerry: (crosses his arms and pouts) I should have had them on my show...
Judge Judy: (leans over and whispers to him) I agree...maybe we can send them to your show for counseling later. (sits back up and turns to Yajirobe) Is this true?
Yajirobe: ...yes
Judge Judy: ...
Yajirobe: The thing is...she's the first girlfriend I'd ever had...and I was just so used to living with Korin that I didn't realize how...sexy cats were. Yeah, I admit it. I'm a furfag. I first realized it after Maron got the cat and... it watched me fap one night.
Judge Judy: It watched you FAP? Define FAP for me, Mister Yajirobe.
Yajirobe: ...well...uh...it's when a guy uh...you know.
Judge Judy: NO, Mister Yajirobe. I DON'T know.
Yajirobe: ...Masturbate! Fapping is my term for when I masturbate, ok?
There, I said it!
Judge Judy: You let a CAT watch you MASTURBATE, Mister Yajirobe? What the fuck? Was she not putting out for you or something?
Yajirobe: N-no...it's not that! I just...find cats so exciting. And I needed some...relief. Usually I'd fap to all the pictures of Korin I took when he was unconcious after I drugged and fucked him that time,
but Cottonball was so much more...accessible at the time.
Judge Judy: STOP! Just stop it right there and get out...OUT! Both of you! You've made a mockery out of me and my court by bringing this before me. You don't belong on my show, you belong on HIS! (points to Jerry and screams in rage before storming off)
Jerry: (steps up and takes Judge Judy's place behind the podium after Yajirobe and Maron have left. Looking down, he sees Korin now seated in the front row) Your thoughts on the matter?
Korin: That's some fucked up shit...no wonder my ass hurt so bad for that one week...
Cricket chirps...
Piccolo: (picks up and eats the cricket with a loud crunch)
Jerry: ..um..ok...yeah. Moving on! Our next guest can't be here with us in person, however he has opted to be with us live via satalite feed.
Goku: (stands up) Feed? Food? Where?
Chichi: (grabs Goku by the ear and yanks him back down into his chair)
You just ate! You can wait at least another hour you oinker!
Puar: Don't go bringing Oolong into this now, I've had enough problems with him hitting on me already.
Goku: But Chichi! Awwwnnn! (crosses his arms and pouts)
Jerry: (pulls a whip out from behind the judge podium and cracks it at Steve) Manbitch, stop oogling the guests and bring out the TV so I can finish introducing our next guest!
Steve stops staring at Bra and runs off to do as he's told.
Bra: (stands up) I've got it! I know what to name my child! Pot! That's right son (strokes her baby's head lightly) I'm going to name you Pot.
After my good friend Pan. (looks off to the corner to see Pan and Buu still going at it hot and heavy)
Vegeta: (glares at Bra) WHAT? You're naming it after a Kakarot spawn!
That's it, I'm stripping you of your royalty status. You give the Royal Bloodline a bad name! Both of you! (turns to Trunks) You're both stripped of your status! I have no children!
Jerry: (bangs the gavel) Now now Vegeta, what's got you pissed off now?
Vegeta: EVERYTHING! As soon as this show's over, you're all dead!
Bulma: (thwarps Vegeta in the head with a frying pan) Sit down and shut up! You will do no such thing Mister!
Vegeta: (grumbles and sits down) Yes dear...
Bulma: (gives Chichi a thumbs up and hands her the frying pan back and whispers to her) Thanks Chich.
Steve: (bursts through the door pushing a 32" TV on a rolling shelf)
Delivery!
Jerry: Ah, good. Now I can finish introducing our next guest. Please welcome Shenlong! (presses the remote to turn the TV on)
The TV remains blank.
Jerry presses the button again.
Nothing happens.
Jerry: Damnit, what's going on now? (checks the batteries in the remote)
Nope, those are fine...Steve! Hurry and plug the damn thing in!
Steve: (walking back from the outlet) It is plugged in.
Jerry: Damn thing won't turn on! turns to the camera Looks like we're going to have to take a short break while I figure out how to get this thing on...
-cut to black-