Chapter 2 – Into the Woods.
Like I said, lunch didn't taste right at all, so I left the Mall and headed out of town to the woods nearby. After all, this is supposed to be a vacation, right? Time to clear my head and all, so I figured some time by myself in the woods would do me good. Just so long as I don't run into any damn Girl Scout camps or any shit like that. I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm all for female equality or whatall, but little girls just shouldn't be out in the woods by themselves. It's bad for everyone, bad for the men they're trying to replace with their 'we're as good as you in every respect' bullcrap, and bad for the girls. The world's a rough place these days, is all I'm saying, and some pretty young thing out by herself in the middle of a forest you could easily lose an airliner in is just asking for trouble. I'm just sayin'.
So there I am, out in the middle of the woods, minding my own beeswax, when I hear this noise up ahead, like a panting and scrabbling. I'm something of a nature-lover, me, so I go to investigate, thinking I might get lucky and see some local wildlife. A cougar or something, don't ask me the damn genus and species of what I was hoping to see. I love nature, I just don't see the sense in pretending you can pin it to a board like a damn butterfly in a lab and say 'this is nature, we're studying it', and I sure as hell don't worship it like the damn hippies or those religious freaks who go round handing out flowers in the name of Mother God (more damn feminists, I'm telling ya…one of these days it's all gonna end in tears). So anyway, I get real quiet-like, so as not to spook the animals, and creep up in that direction, keeping a sharp ear out just like they teach you in the Scouts. Always prepared, I slip a knife from my belt-sheath in case it's some pissed-off grizzly or something (like I said, don't ask me names for these things. I'm a humble man, and just knowing they're beautiful has always been enough for me).
Rounding a tree, I look up ahead to see…well, what do I see? Local wildlife, I guess. Damn, I love nature, and that girl there's worthy of some quality nature-loving any time of the day or night. Damnfool thing to do, though, exposing her behind to the whole world like that clambering over riverside rocks. Not to mention her little bitty skirt riding up those damn fine thighs of hers. Lord have mercy, I do believe I'm in love. She straightens up, having reached the far side of the river now by those stepping stones some thoughtful soul left for all future nature-lovers and…uh…local wildlife, straightens out the kinks in her skirt, walks on further. The long plants brush against her long, toned legs and, with a last glint of the sun on her long, burning golden hair, she's gone from my sight.
Well, that just won't do, so I set off after her. I'm not as quick or nimble as her, though, and I start finding it hard to keep my balance about half way across. I sway once, twice, and then suddenly I'm flat on my ass in the riverbed. I get up in a hurry, so's not to drown my young self (the body can only survive without oxygen for a few seconds, I'm told) and find the water only reaches up to my waist. Wading forward, I notice something that I coulda sworn wasn't there before. Written in red, a message on the rocks of the riverbank 'Don't Cross the Rubicon'. I blinked, confused. The Rubi-whatnow? The river, though, the river's churning, as though to keep me from reaching that bank of angels, that paradise which houses my newfound golden angel. I don't want much, just another glimpse of that long hair, those divine thighs, maybe even to talk to her, just talk to her. I'm a humble man, and a gentleman, and I aint never pressed my luck (or anything else) with the ladies. There were a few times the old lady said she didn't want it, but she was just playing with me, I could tell, and when she lay all quiet and curled up afterwards, I knew it was really contentment and not what she claimed. She was just playing hard to get.
Meantime, the river's getting outta hand, and I could swear it's turning red. I blink, dazed and confused, to clear my eyes. The river's clear again, though still resisting my progress, and there's still a message, though it's written badly now, like some dumb spotty teen chick might write in her journal. As I get closer, I can read it properly. 'Last Chance! Turn Back!' Turn back? Never see that wildlife again? Screw you, pal, I'm a nature lover on vacation and I'm gonna keep walking. In a real hurry now, worried that I might have fallen too far behind that divine behind, I scramble over the riverbank rocks to go on, when something catches my eye and I turn quickly. What the hell? For an instant there, the river was running blood-red, I'll swear it on the Holy Bible, and there were….monsters crawling up out of it. Now, though, the river was running on happily, not surging or frothing, and certainly not running with blood. The only thing crawling up out of it was me, and I sure as hell wasn't a monster. At least, I thought so.
As I set off into the woods to follow my wildlife find, the sun seemed to go behind a cloud, the wind began to pick up, and a slight fog came rising up from the forest floor. I wish now, oh how I wish, that I had heeded those warnings, that I had run back away from that fog. Nevermore, old friends. Nevermore…