There was no shortage of giggling in the lair that night. Jonathan could only be thankful that they hadn't convinced Edward to stick around.

Annoying little twits, they would not let him go back to his room and get dressed. He clutched the flimsy lab coat more tightly around himself and stared them down.

"What do you find so fascinating about my underwear?"

"It's not the underwear we find fascinating," Al said coyly. He gritted his teeth.

"Al! My eyes are up here!"

"Yes, but I've seen those before."

In the background, Techie and the Captain were cackling so hard they fell over the back of the sofa. Al licked her lips.

"Stop that!" There was more than a hint of panic in his voice. Good God, what had he done, letting this woman date him, even as a ruse? She had obviously gotten the wrong idea, and—and—she had no stamina, but she could sprint faster than he could. He would never get to the other side of a door in time.

And those two hyenas weren't going to give him any help.

"Sure you don't want to let me do a little investigating? It'll be fun," Al said eagerly. "There'll be lots of screaming involved."

He backed into the wall.

"I didn't mean screams of fear." She walked her fingers up his chest, exactly the way the Captain liked to do. He slapped her hand away.

"I know what you meant! Why?!" She just smiled as if she hadn't understood the question. "Why are you picking on me? Why don't you go rip the pants off Bruce Wayne—or Batman if you need the thrills—or Lock-Up if you need the dark side—"

What had been a sensual caress became an angry shove.

"Don't you ever suggest that again!" She laid her head against his chest and continued from there. "I would never, never—never! Besides…I don't like men with too many muscles." Her hands snaked up the sleeves of his lab coat to massage his biceps. "If I wanted that, I'd just put a bag over Two-Face's head." She cackled. Then her face fell. "I made myself sad."

"Insane," he muttered. "You…are…completely…mad."

"Well, duh." She let him go. "That would explain why I castr—oh. Is that what you're afraid of?"

"Oh, Squishy. Your equipment is in no danger from us." The others joined Al in clustering about him.

"And you don't need the Charles Atlas seal of approval. We love you just the way you are."

"Get…off," he said weakly. They had six hands between them; he couldn't keep them all away.

And then they started to sing.

"A weakling weighing ninety-eight pounds will get sand in his face when kicked to the ground…"

The Captain's hand found its way inside his lab coat, trailed down his back, cupped—

He applied an elbow to her ribs.

"And soon in the gym, with a determined chin…"

Techie playfully tapped the bottom of his chin. He turned his head away from her.

"The sweat from his pores as he works for his cause…will make him glisten…and gleam…and with massage…and a little bit of…steam…"

Al's finger ran down his stomach, tracing the path of a particularly nasty scar that no one else knew about but her. He twisted away from her touch. She pressed up against him.

"He'll be a strong man."

"Oh, honey!"

The Captain and Techie plastered themselves against his sides.

"But the wrong man…"

"Please stop that," he begged as a trio of pelvises started grinding against him.

"Oh, baby," said Al. "I can make you a man."

This was a nightmare. Never again. Never again would he give them any reason to think he was in any way fond of them—NEVER again would he put himself in a position to be—

The Captain's hand was sneaking its way back inside his lab coat.

Al's hand was doing something worse.

"Was your father a horse?" she asked with a smirk and a strategic squeeze.

"OFF! Off, off, GET OFF ME NOW!" He tried to push them all away. "GET OFF!"

"Squishy? What's wrong?"

"STAY AWAY FROM ME!"

He went down, hit the floor hard enough to knock the breath out of him, and struggled to get free of the—blanket? He was tangled up in a blanket?

What was he doing in his room?

What was Al doing in his room, wearing a t-shirt and that half-slip and looking down at him with such concern?

"Are you okay?" she asked.

"Fine." He managed to free one arm from the cocoon, and, in an unconscious nervous habit, reached up to adjust his glasses, which he then realized he wasn't wearing.

"Bad dream?" Al pressed.

"No—yes—what do you want?"

"You're usually asleep a lot longer than that before you start screaming and flailing around." She knelt to help him with the blanket. "Do you need a hug?"

"No!"

"Suit yourself…" She pulled the blanket away from him, and he thanked his lucky stars that he was decently clothed in flannel pants and a long-sleeved shirt, not a hint of bare skin and not a chance of impropriety. "What were you dreaming about, if I may ask?"

"Uh—Batman," he lied hastily. She had to know it was a lie; the most he had ever given her before was a curt, "None of your business."

Nevertheless, invoking the name of the Dark Knight had the intended effect. It distracted her. Purely out of habit, she swept her gaze over him, checking for injuries.

Her eyes stopped somewhere in the vicinity of his pants. They widened slightly.

Then she snapped her head up and stared intently at a spot just over his left shoulder.

"I—um—tea. Tea! Tea? I'll make you some tea. Tea would be nice. Chamomile. To—relax. I'll just…go. Tea. Or—warm milk. Help you sleep. I'll…go."

She fled the room in a state nearing panic.

He couldn't bring himself to enjoy that, once he figured out the reason behind it.

Warm milk. He cringed.

At least she hadn't followed up with the obvious joke about cold showers.

He picked up the discarded blanket and held it in front of him as he shut the door firmly behind her, not caring that there was no one around to see.

Maybe a cold shower wasn't such a bad idea…

Anything was better than going back to sleep.

Well...

Almost anything.

Author's note: Dream!Al's dialogue was provided by TheNoblePorpoise.

This dream sequence was...going to be about Eddie as Eddie, riding through the lair on a motorcycle and picking up the Captain.

My first mate is a master of distraction.

Thanks once again for reading.

-3.0