I'm SO Bored!
Thanks for taking time out to read this random fan-fiction based on Squaresoft's Final Fantasy VII.
Chapter I: Red XIII
"No!" Red XIII cried. It was four in the afternoon, and as usual, the group was bored as hell and trying to ride around on Red XIII's back in the Highwind.
"Aw, come on, Red XIII!" Yuffie laughed. "If Barret's too heavy then let me ride you!"
"Hey, I'm standin' right 'ere!" Barret retorted. Red XIII backed away from Yuffie, Tifa and Barret as they attempted to jump on him, only to get stuck in a corner.
"Look, I can't support any of you!" Red XIII shouted. He needed to get out of this situation somehow, so made it look as if he were jumping left but then jumped right. It worked; Red XIII ran away to his room on the airship and locked the door behind him. The group were dissapointed; now they had bugger all to do.
"Red XIII, it's me!" Yuffie cried, banging on his bedroom door. "Can I come in?"
"No!" she could hear through the door. "I know you just want me to give you a ride!"
"That's not true! I'm alone!" she replied. Barret and Tifa sniggered behind her as Barret held a leash and a muzzle in his hands. "Please, let me in!"
"No way! Even if they aren't there I know you'll jump me!"
"I won't, I promise! I was bored, but I've already had some fun since you ran away, so I'm not bored anymore!"
"Oh, yeah? Like what? Combing your hair or plucking your twat?"
Yuffie grimaced in disgust. "You sexist pig, lemme in!" she shouted, banging as hard as she could on the door, and as fast as she could.
"Yeah, let her in!" Barret shouted. Yuffie turned around and slapped him hard on the face.
"Idiot!" she screamed.
"I knew you were lying!! Go away!" Red XIII whined through the door. The group decided the moment had passed, and Red XIII was no fool. They cut their losses and left the hallway in which Red XIII's bedroom was.
"I'm so bored!" Yuffie sighed, lying down on a sofa with Tart's Weekly magazine.
"You aren't the only one!" Tifa snapped, snatching away the magazine.
"Hey!" Yuffie replied in anger. "I was reading that!"
"No you weren't, you were just lying there..."
"Fine, read it. It's a fashion magazine so you'll probably need it a lot more than I do, anyway."
Clenching her fists as the knuckle dusters went deep into her hands, Tifa begun to read the magazine. "New model shagging MP... oh! I wish I had her dress, it's so pretty! Eh? How to look good, even with muscles. I think this is the one for me. Oh, here's one for you, Yuffie, dresses for violent, annoying children!" Tifa laughed, looking up at the sofa. Yuffie was gone, sick of Tifa's voice.
Yuffie walked into the kitchen, only to find Barret sat down at the dining table, cleaning his gun.
"Whatcha doing?" she asked, sitting down next to him, folding her arms and placing her head down on them.
"What's it look like?" he replied, quietly.
"Arming your gun?" she smiled, sweetly.
"What?! There ain't no bloody shells 'ere!"
"Then use some ammo! I think I saw some in your room, I'll go and get it!" she laughed, getting from the table and running away. Barret tried to get up and stop her, but there was polish everywhere and his hands were full, so reluctantly he let her go.
"Grr.. I'll jus' shoot her later."
Tifa sat quietly in the seating room, reading her magazine and chewing her nails. The magazine was not doing much to alleviate her boredom, but she thought it was much better than going shopping with Cloud or to the hairdressers with Aeris. Tifa laughed silently to herself; she thought about how miserable Cloud was, with Aeris dragging him here and there, doing anything to attract attention to herself. Tifa was just glad that Cloud was dead to women; she felt that if she can't have Cloud then he can't have anyone else. As she turned the page to Sexy Snapshots, Yuffie ran by.
"Hey! What are you doing?" Tifa called out. Yuffie ignored her as she ran to their quarters. Throwing the magazine outside of the window, Tifa ran after her in pursuit.
Tifa found Yuffie in Barret's room, going through his drawers.
"Yuffie! If Barret finds you, you're dead you know." she sighed. "But, oh well!" she laughed, joining her. They went through all of Barret's belongings, commenting on everything.
"Heeeeey!" Yuffie sniggered, "Look at this!" She held up what looked like a dirty magazine she had found under the bed, but upon closer inspection they found it was just Guns Monthly Magazine.
"GOD!" Tifa cried. "It's so boring here, too!" She leant back upon a wall, only to hear a click behind her. She stood up straight and turned around, both looking at the secret door in the wall.
"Oh my God, it's Barret's wardrobe! I didn't know he had one." Yuffie whispered.
"I know, he like wears the same clothes every day." Tifa added.
"You're one to talk." Yuffie replied quietly.
"Huh?"
"Oh, nothing! Let's take a look."
A few minutes later and they had chucked all of Barret's clothes on the bed. They had also discovered his hidden alcohol stash in the corner of the wardrobe, so they 'alleviated' him of it, heavily.
"Oh my God," Yuffie laughed loudly. "look at this!" She held up a pink shirt and Hawaiin shorts. "I didn't know Barret was so... exotic!" They rummaged through most of his clothes, laughing as they found pink shirts, pink shorts and even pink hotpants. "What the hell does he keep all this for?! He's never worn pink." They continued looking through his clothes until they came across another outfit, just like the one he always wears.
"I've got an idea." Tifa giggled, coughing up a little vomit into her hand from the large intake of alcohol. "Let's try them on!"
"You bloke!" Yuffie laughed, throwing Barret's old underwear at her.
"Ew!" she screamed. Although Yuffie did consider it a bad idea, there was nothing else to do, so they both tried on his clothes, mimicking him also.
"Yo, fool! Gimme a cigarette!" Yuffie laughed.
"That is SO like Barret!" Tifa laughed, jumping on the bed. They were now both decked out in the same outfiit Barret wore, as they found a couple of them. Both jumping on the bed, they poured liquor down each other's throats and threw up occasionally on the floor.
After he had finished polishing his gun, Barret slid the safety lock on and packed his things away. He walked quietly up the stairs towards his bedroom when he suddenly heard a noise; it was Yuffie and Tifa, screaming. He ran quickly to his room, kicked the door open and found them both on the floor, lying on top of each other and laughing, covered in vomit and wearing his clothes.
"You... bloody... BITCHES!" he bellowed, running towards them. Tifa picked herself and Yuffie up and jumped on the other side of the bed, away from Barret.
"Barret! I---I know this looks bad!" she cried, looking at herself and Yuffie. "It looks REALLY bad. But we can explain!"
A vein in Barret's head looked as thought it would explode as he grinded his teeth loudly. Yuffie and Tifa shut their eyes tightly as they awaited a pounding, only to find Barret gone when they opened them again, and the bedroom door locked.
"Oh my God, what is he going to do?!" Yuffie shouted, running to the door and trying to open it in vain.
Barret stood outside Yuffie and Tifa's room, a large grin upon his face. Kicking the door open, even though it was unlocked, he ran inside. A few moments later and almost everything of theirs was on the bedroom floor, except Yuffie's dirty magazines, which she kept under the floorboards. He laughed manically as he opened the airship window, and, avoiding being sucked out of it, began to throw Tifa and Yuffie's clothes out of it.
Tifa and Yuffie waited in Barret's room, worrying to the point of insanity. It was only until they saw one of Tifa's bras and a pair of Yuffie's thongs fly past the window that they decided they must escape in any way possible.
"Search for a vent!" Tifa cried. They searched all over the room until Yuffie came across something that resembled a vent... it was not exactly large though.
"I found one!" she cried, pulling Tifa towards it. "Kinda small."
"You'd never fit through that." Tifa replied, sighing.
"And what do you mean by that? Are you saying I'm fat?!"
"Of course not, I just.."
"Well, I'll show you, Miss 20 Stone. Outta the way!" Yuffie pulled the grate off of the vent and peered inside. It was dark, damp and scary. She couldn't let Tifa think she was a fat cow though, so attempted to climb in; it was too small. "Damn!" she cried. 'I won't give in..' she thought. Taking off all of her clothes, she ordered Yuffie to grease her up. Not finding any grease in Barret's room, surprisingly, Tifa opted to piss on her instead. Grossing out, Yuffie agreed it was the only way, and allowed Tifa to piss on her. "If you tell anyone about this, you're dead." Yuffie whispered. Now that she was a bit lubed up, Yuffie tried again... to no avail.
"How about the window instead?" Tifa suggested.
Holding back from murder, Yuffie shouted loudly. "Why didn't you say that before?!"
Red XIII dozed lightly in his room, only to be disturbed by some noises coming from all directions, including outside the window. Running over to it, he peered outside. Strangely, he could see knickers and bras flying everywhere, and even more strangely, he could see Yuffie, naked, and Tifa, decked out in Barret's clothes, hanging on for dear life on the railing outside the airship, shimmying over to another window.
"Is this safe?!" Tifa shouted over the noise. One of Yuffie's hairclips flew out of her hair and went quickly into one of the engine, coming out of the other side practically non-existant.
"Uh... sure!" she shouted back, holding back the tears of fright. A few minutes later they had reached their own bedroom window. Avoiding the bras flying at them, they jumped inside. Barret stood in shock as they jumped in, Yuffie naked.
"What the hell you doin'!?" Barret cried, the wind noise very loud now. Tifa shut the noise out by closing the window and screamed, in unison with Yuffie, in horror, as she saw her clothes strewn everywhere.
"What the hell are YOU doing?!" she screamed, running over to her clothes, holding them and crying. "My clothes!"
"Well, now ya know 'ow it feels, bitch!" he laughed.
"Yeah, well, I shit myself whilst climbing in here, and it ain't my underwear!" she screamed back.
As Red XIII flicked through television channels, all he could hear was shouting from the next room... shouting which sounded like a serious argument. He unlocked his bedroom door and ran outside into the hallway, approaching the room which made all of the noise. He pushed the door open with his front feet and went inside, only to find Yuffie naked, and Tifa, whose clothes had been ripped off by Barret, and Barret himself with a bra shoved down his throat.
"What the hell is going on here?!" Red XIII shouted, at the top of his voice, to be heard over the argument. They all stopped shouting and stared in his direction. "Well?!"
"We... er... I--.." Yuffie begun. "Get 'im!" she screamed. They all broke out of their silence and ran towards Red XIII. Tifa was quite agile, and jumped on Red XIII's back, dragging him to the floor with her arms around his neck. As she held him down, much to his dismay, Barret shoved the leash on him, and the muzzle. Tifa got up, jumped in the air and high fived Yuffie in glee.
"Finally!" Yuffie laughed, weakly. "Something to do!"