Fooling Ourselves

Chapter 2: Moving On

A/N: This chapter goes back and forth between Elliot and Olivia's lives during different points over a period of about four months. I hope it isn't confusing.

Elliot woke up the next morning and looked out his apartment window at the city. This was his last morning in his apartment. By the afternoon, he would be back in his house with his family. He should have been ecstatic. This was what he had wanted for the past two years. But when he looked out onto the city that morning while the rain fell, he felt a growing heaviness in his heart.

He sighed. How could something he had wanted so badly for so long now fill him with such dread? A baby, his baby, he couldn't turn his back on that. But so many other things had changed since the day he had come home to find that Kathy had taken the kids and left.

He got dressed and got ready for work. Maybe there would be a case that would keep him away for the next twenty four hours. Actually hoping to be working late was a new low for him. He just didn't want to go home, not yet.

His mind kept coming back to what had happened the night before. How could two people say that they would love each other forever and then simply walk away? One thing was for sure, it was going to put more than the usual amount of stress on their partnership. Little did Elliot know that by the time he got to the squad room, Olivia would have long since cleared out her desk again and would be well on her way to her new life.

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"Agent Porter speaks highly of you Detective Benson," Henry Fisher, the lead agent of Porter's unit said, extending a hand towards Olivia.

Olivia took his hand and gave it a firm shake, smiling politely as she did so. She didn't bother correcting him on the point that she was no longer a detective. "It's good to meet you," she told the older man.

The next hour and a half was spent discussing her qualifications and what she would need to do to become a field agent. Olivia listened intently, nodding when appropriate but her mind started to drift. Had she really just left her old life behind? It hadn't really sunk in yet. She knew that when it did, it would hit her hard.

"And of course, once you pass the firearms qualification," Fisher was saying "You will be able to get to work."

Olivia nodded and stood up "Thank you Sir," she left the office.

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"My home away from home," Porter grinned opening the door to his New Jersey apartment and leading Olivia inside.

Olivia collapsed on the couch, feeling foolish that she had given up her apartment in Manhattan without any arrangements for where to stay "Not bad," she remarked. "But if this is your home away from home, where is home?" she asked.

Porter sank down beside her "The office," he sighed.

Olivia nodded, that was a feeling she knew all too well. She leaned back "Thanks for giving me this chance Dean," she said softly.

"No problem," he smiled, sliding closer to her on the couch "Are you okay?" he asked.

Olivia looked at him and decided she wasn't ready to talk about it with anyone just yet. So she simply nodded "Yeah," she said. She stretched her arms above her head and tried to stifle a yawn. The day had taken its toll on her.

"Tired?" Porter asked.

Olivia nodded reluctantly "A little," she answered.

Porter smiled "You're bag's in the bedroom. You can sleep in there."

Olivia stood up "Thanks, but I'll be just fine out here. I don't want to make you feel like a guest in your own apartment."

"Don't worry about it," Porter smiled up at her as he extended his legs across the couch to occupy the space where Olivia had previously been sitting "Perfectly comfortable."

Olivia yawned again, she was too tired to argue about this "Okay," she shrugged and turned in the direction of the bedroom. She had just pushed the door open when Porter spoke again.

"For what it's worth, I'm sorry about what happened with Elliot," hearing his name only made her heart ache for him.

"Thanks," she grumbled before closing the door.

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Elliot walked through the halls of Belleview's prison ward. The lawyer he had gotten for Kathleen hadn't been able to keep her out of jail. The judge had been especially unhappy about the appearance of a cover up. She had only been a week into her sentence when someone had stabbed her. The news had spread that she was a cop's kid and it seemed like all the other women were out to get her.

Elliot pushed the door open to the room in the intensive care unit. Kathy was already sitting by Kathleen's side. Elliot knew that the stress that Kathy was under couldn't be good for the baby. Kathy had taken to externalizing her stress, yelling at Elliot about even the smallest things and once even slapping him across the face. He had simply swallowed his pride, reminding himself that she was pregnant and he went on with life as usual.

Kathy looked up "Hey," she said, in a soft tone that held undertones of anger.

Elliot simply nodded at his wife and pulled a chair up beside Kathleen's bed. "How are you doing today?" he asked.

"It hurts to breathe," Kathleen answered weakly.

"I know it does," Elliot had been talking to the doctors about her condition every chance he got "I'm sorry honey."

"Damn right you're sorry," Kathy muttered angrily.

Both Elliot and Kathleen glanced in Kathy's direction but both chose to ignore her comment. Elliot glanced at his watch. "I have to get back to work sweetie," he said sadly, leaning in to plant a kiss on his daughter's forehead "I'll be back this afternoon, okay."

"Okay," Kathleen managed a faint smile.

Elliot left the room, trying to ignore Kathy's mutterings about how if he wasn't always working they wouldn't be such a messed up family. And then he heard the words he'd been listening to for the last month, the words that made him sad and angry at the same time.

"At least Olivia's gone."

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"Congratulations Agent Benson," the smile on Henry Fisher's face was a mile wide as he handed her the badge.

Olivia bowed her head. A new badge, a new job, a new life, it was all very humbling "Thank you Sir," she said softly as she held the badge in her hands, tracing the lettering on it reverently. It had been a long few months completing the courses necessary to become a field agent but it all seemed worth it now.

"Now get out there and make the bureau proud," Fisher told her, giving her a pat on the shoulder.

"Yes Sir," she said quickly. When she turned around to leave the room, she noticed that the smile that Fisher had been wearing was nothing compared to the look of absolute pride on Porter's face. She flashed him a small smile as she walked past him into the hallway.

He had been flirting with her for the past three months and she had repeatedly shot him down but she had to admit that he was growing on her. She had finally managed to find her own apartment in Jersey after having lived with Porter for a week. But that didn't stop him from coming by everyday.

She walked to her car quickly; she heard Porter's footsteps behind her and didn't want to give him the opening that he was almost certainly looking for. She pulled her keys out when she heard him call out to her.

"Why are you in such a hurry?" he asked.

Damn, Olivia turned around to look at him "I promised I'd meet Simon for lunch," she lied.

Porter stood against her car, looking intently into her eyes. His stare made her shift uncomfortably "Reschedule," he said simply "Come on, you just became a field agent. We should go out and celebrate."

"Dean," Olivia sighed but he placed a finger over her lips.

"It's been three months Olivia. How long are you going to deny yourself human companionship because of a married man?"

Olivia turned away, feeling her emotions beginning to overtake her "It would never work between us Dean," she told him.

"Why not?" he asked "You're still in love with him, I understand that but… All I'm asking for is a chance."

Olivia looked back at him "I don't know…"

"Just dinner," Porter smiled "I'll pick you up at seven."

Olivia shrugged "Okay but you're buying."

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"And that's your baby's heartbeat," the OBGYN said, smiling at Elliot and Kathy.

Elliot found himself captivated by the miracle of life as he had been each time that Kathy had been pregnant. This time however, the beauty of what they had created was overshadowed by Kathy's cold attitude towards him. Even in the doctor's office, Elliot was relegated to the corner, not allowed to so much as hold his wife's hand.

At home, he had been allowed to sleep in his bed with Kathy for all of a week before she had driven him to the guest room with endless insults towards not just him but his by now long absent partner.

He missed Olivia everyday. He had tried calling her but she had changed her cell phone number. He tried tracking her down through Simon but Simon's loyalty was to his sister and, though he was apologetic to Elliot for it, he told him that Olivia had told him specifically that she was trying to make a clean break and he would not betray her.

Elliot wished that he had made a different choice three months ago. He should have stayed with her, held on to her as their world was crumbling. Now his world only continued to crumble and he had no one to hold him. Even the small miracle that was his and Kathy's baby made him wish that Olivia could be there to see it. He even foolishly wished sometimes that he was having this baby with Olivia.

He had, a few weeks prior to the ultrasound, suggested to Kathy that they make Olivia the baby's Godmother. That had been a big mistake. It was a good thing that Dickie and Elizabeth were out with friends at the time because she had used language he didn't even think his children new and that he hoped his unborn child couldn't hear. She had run into the guest bedroom and torn open the drawer of the bedside table. Inside the drawer was a photograph of Olivia. She had ripped it right down the middle, screaming that that 'fucking whore' could go straight to hell for all she cared and that there was no way in hell that she would let some 'pathetic slut' have anything to do with any of her children.

When Elliot attempted to argue she slapped him across the face repeatedly. He tried to shield himself from her blows but there was little he could do without fighting back and he would never ever hit Kathy.

He had put ice on his bruises and taped the picture back together again. To Simon's credit, he mailed Elliot a more current photo of Olivia to replace the one Kathy had destroyed. Elliot went on with life as if the incident had never happened.

"Would you like to know the sex of the baby?" the doctor asked.

"Yes," Kathy said "We need to know what color to paint the nursery."

The doctor smiled "It's a girl."

Kathy smiled at the doctor and then turned to Elliot "We are not naming this kid Olivia," she snapped bitterly.

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Olivia sat at the kitchen table in Simon's house, playing go fish with Lucy's six year old son Charlie. "Do you have any threes?" she asked.

Charlie grinned, showing off the gap where his two front baby teeth had been the week before "Here Aunt Olivia," he said as he handed her the three of hearts from his hand.

Olivia loved being called 'Aunt Olivia' and she loved spending time with Charlie. For the first time in her life, she felt like she belonged somewhere. But there was still that gaping hole in her heart that had been made that night in Manhattan four months ago. She found herself wondering from time to time how Elliot was doing but she tried not to dwell on those thoughts.

"Thank you Charlie," she grinned, taking the three from him "Do you have any aces?"

"Go Fish!" Charlie exclaimed gleefully.

Olivia was about to pick up a card from the deck when Simon appeared in the kitchen doorway. "Sorry to interrupt," he said to Charlie and then turning to Olivia "Dean's here, says you have a case."

Olivia stood up from the table "Thanks for the game Charlie. We'll play again next time I'm here okay."

Charlie got up and ran around the table to where Olivia stood "I don't want you to go Aunt Olivia. Why do you have to go?" he sniffled.

Simon walked into the room and scooped Charlie up "Aunt Olivia has to go catch the bad guys," he explained.

"Okay," Charlie said reluctantly. Simon set him down and he gave Olivia a big hug "Go get em!" he shrieked and ran off laughing.

"He's a good kid," Olivia told Simon as he walked her to the front door.

"Yeah," Simon agreed. He looked through the screen door to where Agent Porter was standing on the porch. He turned back to Olivia "You be careful," he told her firmly as he pulled her into a hug.

"I will," she promised "I'll call you later." She stepped onto the porch and waved to Simon as she followed Porter down the steps.