Fooling Ourselves

Chapter 3: Better Days

A/N: Again, this chapter shows parts of Elliot and Olivia's lives, skipping ahead bit by bit. I hope it isn't confusing but I didn't want to skip a whole big chunk of time and then go back and explain how things got to be the way they are. I hope you enjoy.

Elliot popped into Kathleen's hospital room for his customary noontime visit. As always, Kathy was there, he presence lowering the room's temperature by several degrees. Elliot was quick with his visit as he always was when Kathy was there and he left in a rush, trying as always to ignore the acidic comments that she hurled after him.

After he was gone, Kathleen turned to her mother "I wish you weren't so hard on him," she murmured.

"If it wasn't for him," Kathy countered "You wouldn't be in this place."

Kathleen shook her head "No mom," she said quietly "I made my own decisions and that's why I'm here."

"You didn't do anything wrong," Kathy said reassuringly, leaning forward and stroking her daughter's hair.

"Mom," Kathleen said sharply "I got drunk and decided to drive and I got caught. I took it for granted that Dad would protect me from it but that was wrong of me. I should be here."

Kathy sat back in her chair and placed her hand over her stomach "You shouldn't forgive him."

"I haven't forgiven him," Kathleen said firmly "Because he didn't do anything wrong."

Kathy doubled over in her chair suddenly with a small groan. Kathleen was about to call for a nurse for her mother when Kathy sat up again and smiled. She reached for her daughter's hand and placed it over her stomach "The baby's kicking," she said quietly.

Kathy had successfully managed to move the topic of conversation away from how she had been treating Elliot lately as Kathleen smiled in amazement at the sensation beneath her hand "Wow," she whispered.

Kathy looked at the clock on the wall. "I have to go," she told her daughter, standing up and giving Kathleen a kiss on the cheek "I'll be back later, I promise."

"Okay Mom," Kathleen nodded.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

"You did great," Porter reassured Olivia as she tipped back her third beer. They had finally caught a pedophile who had jumped bail in Virginia and managed to terrorize children in three different states before they caught up with him. When they finally found him, he was holding a little boy hostage. They got the boy out and took the guy down with no problem but Olivia just couldn't forget the look in that little boy's eyes.

"He's never gonna be the same," she murmured as she flagged the bartender down and ordered another beer. It just never got any easier. They might have saved that boy but all Olivia could think was they should have gotten their sooner.

Porter put a hand on her arm as she reached for the beer that the bartender set in front of her "I guess I'm driving?" he asked half teasingly.

"Shove it," Olivia almost spat back at him, pushing his hand off of her and tipping back the beer. She didn't know why she was so mad at him. He had tried to be the emotional support that she needed. He had been nothing but kind to her. In the end, it wasn't him she was mad at. It was herself. She was beginning to fall for him and it felt like she was being unfaithful to Elliot. She still had that gaping hole in her heart and it felt like there was nothing that could ever make it go away. But Dean made the pain easier, more bearable and she hated herself for allowing herself to feel anthing for anyone other than Elliot.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Kathy knocked on the open door of the guest room. Elliot, who was sitting on the edge of the bed, looked up and half smiled at her, quickly hiding the photograph of Olivia under the pillow. "Hey," he said softly.

Kathy walked in slowly and took a seat beside him on the bed, making sure to keep a good distance between them "The baby kicked today," she told him in a whisper.

Elliot smiled "That's great." He wished he'd been there to feel it kick but there would be other chances.

"I've been a bitch," Kathy sighed.

"No," Elliot told her quickly, reaching out to her but she shrugged him off.

"Yes I have Elliot," she said firmly "My hormones are going insane and I've been taking it out on you."

"Kath-" he said softly but she cut him off.

"And I know why I've been acting the way I have," she told him "I'm angry with you." Elliot opened his mouth to say something but Kathy continued "I gave up so much when I was pregnant with Maureen. I became committed to you and I wasn't ready. I'm still not ready."

"You're a great mom Kathy," Elliot reassured her.

"Please let me finish Elliot," tears began to appear in Kathy's eyes "It wasn't working between us and then you said you wanted to come home, that you wanted to work things out and, damn it Elliot, I'll always have a soft spot for you and that's part of why I'm angry," the tears were running down her cheeks full force now "Then we slept together. You were in a bad place that night and you needed me so I was there but…" she paused and took a shuddering breath "When I found out I was pregnant… I can't do this alone Elliot and I knew that… no matter whet, I was gonna have to beg you to come home."

Elliot was about to say that she didn't have to beg him but the look in her eyes told him that he should remain silent.

"I can't stand this anymore," she sobbed "This marriage… it's… it's killing me Elliot," she held her hands to her face "I hated you for getting me pregnant again," she was crumbling and Elliot reached out to wrap her in his arms "No," she said quietly, pushing him away "I have no objections to you being part of our baby's life but please Elliot, please, I need this marriage to be over."

Elliot had never heard Kathy put it like that. He had never thought that she could possibly resent him for the direction her life had taken when she was so young and the one it was taking now. He saw her so broken in front of him and realized that it was no one else's fault but his. In that moment all religious obligations meant nothing. He cared to much about Kathy to be slowly crushing her soul. "I'll call my lawyer in the morning," he said softly "We can settle this quietly."

"Thank you," Kathy sniffled, attempting to wipe the tears from her eyes. "You can stay here until you find somewhere else to stay," she told him.

"I won't stay too long," he promised.

Kathy stood up and turned towards the door. At the last second she turned back "I still want you to be in the delivery room with me when the time comes," she whispered.

"You got it," Elliot half smiled and watched Kathy leave the room, still looking like a heavy burden rested on her shoulders. He lay back on the bed and retrieved the picture of Olivia from under his pillow.

He looked back on that night and remembered how she had looked. He had just left her because of some small hope that he could save an already failed marriage. He had been such an idiot. He could find her now and tell her that he could be with her now. But that wasn't fair to her. She had probably moved on with her life and he had no right to go and drag her into a relationship with him. It had been almost five months since that night. She had almost certainly found someone else by now. He sighed and replaced the picture in the drawer of the nightstand. At least he could still dream about her.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Olivia chose to stay in and commemorate the passing of the six month anniversary of her decision to leave Manhattan by sitting alone in the dark. She heard the knock at her apartment door and chose to ignore it but the knocking wouldn't stop. Eventually, the person doing the knocking decided to start calling her name.

"Olivia, I know you're in there!" Porter said, probably louder than he needed to "You can't just ignore me! I can stand out here all night if I have to!"

Olivia sighed and, drying her eyes, rose from the couch. She crossed the space to the door and opened it "What do you want Dean?" she asked, trying to sound agitated but she couldn't help being glad to see him; deep down, she really didn't want to be alone tonight.

"Thought you'd like some company," he shrugged.

Olivia stepped away from the door and let him in. She returned to the couch without looking at him and sat down. He took a seat beside her and draped an arm around her shoulders. She made no effort to push him away and in fact leaned in to him slightly "Six months," she whispered "It's been six months. Only six months, it feels like an eternity."

"I know," Porter said understandingly. He knew from first hand experience that love could make you do strange things.

"I still miss him," she whispered.

Porter nodded, pulling her closer "You always will," he told her.

Olivia looked up at him "Thanks," she said sarcastically. She let her head fall back against his shoulder "That helps."

"It's true," Porter told her "I never told anyone about this before," he began "But ten years ago there was this girl…"

"Is this going to be one of those 'tis better to have loved and lost' things?" Olivia asked wearily.

"Sometimes I ask myself if it was better," Porter sighed.

Olivia looked up at him, curiosity getting the better of her "What happened?" she asked.

"She got shot in a hostage situation that went bad," he said quietly "She was always trying to do right by people and…" he stopped, unable to go on.

Porter's more than uneasy behavior when Simon had been holding Julia hostage all of a sudden made perfect sense to Olivia. She pulled Porter closer and held him tight "It's okay," she soothed, encouraging him to cry as long as he needed to.

Porter finally found his voice again and continued "I became totally closed off after that. I became totally dedicated to my work and didn't let anyone in."

"How long did that last?" Olivia asked, hoping that it wasn't long. The gaping hole in her heart only served to crush her on a daily basis.

Porter pulled away and looked her in the eye "Until the day I met you," he replied honestly.

Olivia was shocked by his admission for a moment. She slowly leaned forward and pressed a kiss to his lips. His hand went to the back of her head and the kiss deepened. The two of them sat like that for a long time.

When they pulled away, Porter smiled softly "I'm glad I met you," he whispered.

Olivia nuzzled against him "I'm glad I met you too," she whispered. And as she sat there with Dean Porter, she felt the hole in her heart, beginning to grow smaller and for the first time, she didn't feel guilty about it.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Elliot stood at the window looking into the nursery. Rose Olivia Stabler was in the third bassinette from the end. Kathy had actually picked out their daughter's middle name. She said that it seemed to suit her.

Ever since they had finalized the divorce, Elliot and Kathy had actually become friends. Their relationship was no longer based on sex or on financial dependence. Elliot actually felt good, for the most part. He still stared at the picture of Olivia every night before he went to bed, wondering if she was all right, hoping she was happy. He dreamed of her, sometimes two or three times a night. He wished he could apologize for the way he had left her but he had no way to get in touch with her.

He felt a tap on his shoulder and turned around to see Kathleen. Kathleen had been released from the hospital only a month before her sister's birth. By then of course, her six month sentence had been long over "Hi honey," he smiled.

"Hey," Kathleen said softly, hugging her father gently; the place where she had been stabbed still hurt if someone leaned against it too heavily. She turned her attention to the nursery window "She's beautiful isn't she?" she asked with a faint smile.

Elliot nodded "She sure is."

A/N: I can't stress this enough, have faith.