Fooling Ourselves

Chapter 5: The Little Things

A/N: I told all of you to have faith in me and that faith is about to pay off. By the end of this chapter, the skipping ahead thing will stop. The last two sections occur on the same day just so you know.

Elliot paces the floor of his apartment as he burped Rose. Those few days that Kathy had originally asked him for had turned into weeks and weeks had turned to months. He kept begging Kathy to seek help for what was obviously more than just a little sadness. She had staunchly refused.

He told her that he would be willing to take all of the children so that she could take a little vacation or something. She promised him that he was all right and that she could take care of the twins. But Kathleen was the one who ended up taking care of Dickie and Elizabeth while Kathy just drifted farther and farther out of reach of reality.

He placed Rose in her baby swing and sat down on the couch. He watched as his now two and a half month old daughter as she smiled at him "You like your swing don't you?" he mused. He loved spending time with Rose, whenever his hectic work schedule would allow. She was just amazing. I broke his heart to leave her with the babysitter everyday. So when he was with her, he tried to absorb every moment, catalog every precious memory in his mind. He found himself wishing on more than one occasion that Olivia was there to enjoy these special times with him. He only hoped that wherever she was and whatever she was doing with her lif, she was happy.

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The wedding was in two weeks and Olivia couldn't sleep. She tossed and turned in the bed beside her soon to be husband who slept as if he didn't have a care in the world. It was nights like these when she thought about Elliot. She had said yes to Dean. Why, why had she said yes? She cared about Dean but there was no way that she could ever love him the way she loved Elliot.

She got out of bed and grabbed her car keys. She needed to clear her head. While the world slept, Olivia Benson let her thoughts guide her. As if on autopilot, she drove to New York. Before she knew it, she was in Queens, taking an all too familiar street.

The house was dark. Olivia assumed that they were all asleep. She didn't know that Elliot had moved out several months earlier.

She just sat there, staring at the house and thinking about Elliot. Was it fair to Dean to marry him when her heart belonged to Elliot? Was it fair to Elliot to come back into his life after so long? She had already said yes to Dean and she couldn't turn away from that commitment, it would crush him and though she loved Elliot, she also cared quite a lot for Dean.

The day of the wedding was, by a strange twist of fate, also the one year anniversary of the day she had left New York without so much as a note to Elliot. She knew that Elliot loved her but after leaving the way that she did, she didn't think he would ever forgive or trust her again. But it would be worth it to throw away everything she had with Dean and the bureau if it meant she could see Elliot one last time. She wanted to see him again and if nothing else, she wanted him to be at the wedding.

The shrill ring of her cell phone cut through her thoughts. She looked at the illuminated screen. It was Dean. She flipped the phone open "Hi," she said simply and almost sadly.

"Olivia, Oh thank God," she heard him breathe a sigh of relief on the other end "Are you all right?"

It was then that Olivia realized that she had left without leaving a note. A sudden wave of guilt overcame her as she thought of how much he must have worried about her. He cared so much about her. She took a deep breath "I'm fine," she told him. "I just needed a drive to clear my head."

"Pre-wedding jitters?" he asked in an understanding tone.

"Yeah," she whispered, still staring at Elliot's dark house "Something like that."

"Wanna come home and talk about it?" he asked.

"Not just yet," she responded, not able to tear her eyes away from the house. Then Dean said something that made her heart melt.

"Please come home? I need you here with me," he sounded so small and lost that in that moment she knew that she had to be with him.

"See you in twenty minutes," she said in an almost loving tone.

"Okay, I love you," Dean's tone was warm yet still sad. He wasn't ready to tell her that he needed her beside him to fall asleep.

"Okay," Olivia replied and moved to hang up. But then as an afterthought added "I love you too." She glanced one last time at the dark house before she turned the car around and headed back home, her new home.

If she had only had the guts to go and knock on the door, she would have discovered that nothing was as picture perfect for Elliot as she imagined that it would be. Kathleen was spending the night in Maureen's dorm room at Hudson to prepare for when she would be starting in the fall. Lizzie and Dickie were at friends houses for the night. Elliot and Rose were at his apartment and Kathy had taken the opportunity to down a bottle of pills and two glasses of wine. Olivia didn't know that in the morning, Kathy's fifteen year old daughter would come into her mother's room to borrow a pair of earrings for a date that night, only to find her mother, dead on the floor. Olivia was unaware of the turmoil that Elliot and his family were about to be thrown into.

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Elliot shifted Rose to his other arm as he accepted the fatherly hug that, now private citizen, Don Cragen offered. "I'm so sorry," Cragen whispered as he gave Elliot a pat on the back before pulling away "How are the kids handling it."

Elliot turned to where his four oldest children sat. All four had put on their bravest faces but Elliot could see past the façade. They were all broken inside. He turned back to Cragen "They're all taking it the best they can," he shrugged "But Lizzie…" he trailed off, looking back at his second youngest daughter "She's the one who found her. She wouldn't set foot in the house to get her things that night."

"What are you going to do?" Cragen asked.

"I've gotta look for a bigger apartment," Elliot responded. Going back to the house was not an option, not after the visceral reaction that Elizabeth got from even setting foot outside it. Elliot was sure that he could get a fair price for it. He was going to call a real-estate agency.

At that moment, Rose began to cry. Elliot reached into the diaper bag and pulled out a bottle "You hungry?" he asked his baby girl as he started feeding her.

"She is absolutely beautiful," Cragen remarked of the baby in Elliot's arms.

Elliot nodded. Both men were thinking the same thing. It was a shame that this little miracle would never know her mother. Ironically it was probably Rose's birth that had sent Kathy over the edge. Kathy had raised four children and wasn't able to handle the stress of another one.

Elliot finished feeding Rose and shifted her to his shoulder to burp her "I wasn't around much when the other kids were this small," he told Cragen "I was too caught up in spending time with her, I didn't see what was going on with Kathy," he sighed heavily, looking down at the child in his arms. Rose smiled back up at him and smiled, oblivious to her father's sadness "I should have been there. I could have stopped her."

"This isn't your fault Elliot," Cragen said firmly "No one could have known."

Elliot nodded though Cragen's words did little to sooth his tortured soul. Just then, Chester tapped Elliot on the shoulder. Chester Lake had become Elliot's partner after Olivia had left. "How're you holding up?" Chester asked in a soft voice.

Elliot smiled softly at his partner. Kathy's death was taking its toll on him and deep down, he desperately longed for Olivia's emotional support and Chester knew that "I'm okay," Elliot shrugged.

Cragen and Chester both knew that was a complete lie.

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"Do you Olivia Benson…" the priest spoke but Olivia barely heard him as she stood at the front of the church with Dean. Her eyes scanned the assembled guests. For some reason, she thought that he would be there, that he would instinctively know that she was getting married. When the priest got to the part about anyone who believed they shouldn't be wed, she was waiting for him to pop out of thin air and tell the whole crowd why this marriage was wrong. She wanted him to tell Dean that she could never love him with her complete heart because she loved Elliot and only Elliot and that was the way that it would always be.

But he wasn't there. Maybe if she had had the courage to tell him that she was getting married he would have been there but she had been too afraid that he wouldn't understand. Hell, she wished she understood. She looked at Dean who stood there with such love in his eyes and the only thing she could say was "I do."

The guests applauded and the wedding party made the slow migration from church to reception hall. Olivia was hugged by Simon and then Lucy then Charlie as Dean shook hands with several of his friends from work; he was an only child and his parents had died long ago in a car crash.

When Olivia and Dean managed to grab a brief moment to themselves, he smiled at her and kissed her again; she had been so lost in her own thoughts that she hadn't even noticed the first one. "I love you," he whispered.

Olivia nodded numbly. It still didn't seem real to her but she smiled back at her knew husband and wrapped her arms around his neck. Somehow she managed to break through the clutter of her thoughts and whisper back "I love you too."

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Three months after Kathy's funeral, Elliot had managed to find a three bedroom apartment in the city for him and the kids. Kathleen had started college and lived off campus with Maureen in a two bedroom apartment that they were able to afford by taking jobs as waitresses. So Dickie and Elizabeth each had separate rooms. Elliot kept Rose's crib in his room.

Rose was now six months. Elliot and his children had shared in the joy of watching her crawl for the first time. It was these little moments that made things bearable when they got to their worst.

Elizabeth had been seeing Rebecca Hendrix weekly since the day she had found her mother's body. She was depressed and not even spending time with her baby sister would snap her completely out of it. Elliot was becoming increasingly worried about her. Sometimes at night, he would hear her crying but whenever he would go to her room, she would tell him, quite firmly, to go away.

But his children weren't his only concern. Rebecca Hendrix seemed content to throw away the constraints of professionalism and would often come into the bullpen in the middle of the day to talk to Elliot. Her visits always ended the same way, with her asking if he would like to go get a drink sometime. She said that it was just to make sure he was doing all right after Kathy's death but Elliot knew it was more than that.

Elliot wasn't ready to move on but it wasn't because he was mourning his dead ex-wife. He was mourning his departed ex-partner who he had not heard from in over a year and who he missed everyday.

Late at night when he would hear Elizabeth crying, he would wish that Olivia was there to help him. He was a single parent of five and it was hard. Some mornings he would wake up and ask himself just what the hell he was doing..

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Olivia stared at the device in her hand. She had come home from work early because she hadn't been feeling well and this device confirmed her suspicions. It was funny how she was thinking of Elliot at that moment, wondering what he would say. It had been seventeen months since she had last seen him, almost a year and a half. A lot had changed since then. She was an FBI agent now, one of the feds she had been so outspoken against when she was at SVU, getting upset every time they would descend to take over one of their investigations.

She was married to the man who had watched her back when she was undercover. He loved her and she cared about him and every night, felt guilty that she couldn't love him the way he loved her because her heart was and always would belong to Elliot Stabler.\

And now she was pregnant with Dean's baby. She smiled at the pregnancy test. In spite of her conflicting feelings at that moment, she was happy that she was going to have a baby. Her maternal instincts had been growing stronger for so many years and she had wanted a child but had never been in a position to have a baby. Now, she felt like she was ready.

She heard the door open and Dean entering the house "Olivia," he called out.

Olivia stood up and made her way out of the bathroom "Hey," she said softly when she saw him in the hallway.

"Hi," he walked quickly to her and wrapped his arms around her "I was worried when they said you went home because you weren't feeling well. Are you all right?" Ever since the wedding, Olivia had been working with a different team of agents that was under Henry Fisher's chain of command.

Olivia hugged him back and cleared her throat "Yeah," she whispered with a small smile "I'm great."

"Thank God," Dean whispered, kissing her gently.

Olivia pulled away and looked him in the eye. She decided just to spit it out and hope that he was as happy about it as she was "I'm pregnant," she said quietly.

He looked at her for a long tense moment and she was afraid that he might not be happy about it; she couldn't read him the way she could read Elliot. But then he smiled broadly and kissed her with intense passion "We're gonna have a baby?" he asked.

Olivia smiled wider, her heart warmed by his reaction "Yes," she said before kissing her husband again "We're gonna have a baby." In that moment she decided that she couldn't allow herself to feel guilty about loving Elliot. For her baby's sake, she had to love Dean with all her heart.

"I love you so much," Dean whispered as he scooped her into his arms.

Olivia laughed as she squirmed "I love you too," she said as she kissed him again.

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"Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear Rose, happy birthday to you," the whole family sang as the one year old girl stood on her highchair, obviously loving all the attention.

Maureen cut the cake and Kathleen passed out the servings. Dickie muttered something about pink icing being too girly and Elizabeth whacked him on the arm and reminded him that Rose was a girl.

Elliot watched and smiled. Elizabeth was finally coming around. The memories of her mother's death would always be with her, more so than with the others, but she was finally able to move on with her life. He accepted his plate from Kathleen. "Looks great honey," he told her.

"Its too pink," Dickie said again.

"Son," Elliot said, trying to be firm but unable to suppress the chuckle that burst forth "Be a man and eat your girly cake."

Everyone laughed and Elizabeth pulled one of the helium balloons towards her, using it to bop her father on the head. When they finished eating, Elliot picked Rose up from her highchair "Okay everyone, I think it's time for bed."

He carried Rose into his bedroom and helped her change into her pajamas. Rose stood up on the bed and bounced up "Story Dada?" she asked, innocently.

"Okay," Elliot turned to the small bookshelf beside the crib where he kept the children's books. When he turned back, Rose had made her way to his nightstand and had managed to open the top drawer. She was holding the picture of Olivia in her small hands.

"Dada, who this?" she asked, looking at her father with her big blue eyes full of curiosity.

Elliot dropped the book he had been holding and moved towards the bed, taking the picture from his daughter's hands. He sat down beside the toddler and pulled her into his lap. He searched for the words to explain who Olivia was to a one year old. He cleared his throat "She's a very good friend of mine," he finally decided to say and hoped that Rose wouldn't ask anymore questions.

"She pretty," Rose remarked with a smile as she reached for the picture again and managed to snatch it from her father's hands. She ran her little hands over it as it were some magical item instead of just an ordinary photo. "Princess?" she asked, looking up at her father once more.

"No," Elliot said softly "She's not a princess sweetie," But she's pretty damn close in my mind, he thought.

Rose looked at the picture again and then asked a question that left Elliot speechless "Dada?" she asked, holding up the picture and pointing to it "Mama?"

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Tears streamed down Olivia's face as she pushed one last time. Dean was right beside her, holding her hand and soothing her "You're doing great," he told her.

"It's a boy," the doctor said triumphantly, handing the baby to a nurse to be cleaned up. The baby boy had a good set of lungs for sure because the room was full of the sounds of his cries.

The nurse finally handed him to Olivia who stared at the little bundle in her arms. She couldn't believe it. She looked at her husband "He's so beautiful," she whispered as the tears of exhaustion were replaced with tears of joy.

"Takes after his mother I guess," Dean chuckled, kissing his wife and then kissing their son on the head.

Olivia laughed and turned to her son "Hi there little guy."

"Do you have a name picked out?" the nurse asked.

Olivia and Dean looked at each other again. They had discussed names for both boys and girls. Dean nodded at Olivia for her to tell the nurse the name they had selected if their child was a boy. She turned to the nurse and said, with a smile as bright as sunshine "Zachary Elliot Porter."

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Five months later, a laughing baby Zack was giving his mother quite a work out as she tried to fee him breakfast. "Honey," Olivia cooed, trying to get her son to stay still "Open up."

In his highchair, Zack pounded his tiny hands and smiled at his mother.

Dean appeared in the kitchen fully dressed for work. "I gotta get going," he told Olivia.

Olivia reached out to him and hugged him tight "Be careful today?" she pleaded. Dean was set to go undercover to catch a particularly vile sex offender.

"I will," he promised, kissing her lips, lovingly. "I love you."

"I love you too," she told him, returning the kiss "We'll be waiting for you." she was still on a very generous maternity leave signed off on by Fisher and did not have to report to work for another month.

Dean turned to the highchair where his son was still fidgeting. He bent down and kissed the baby on the head "Daddy loves you Zack," he smirked and added in a loud whisper "Try and keep your mom out of trouble."

Olivia laughed and gave him a playful swat on the arm "If you're giving him orders Agent Porter," she laughed "Why don't you order him to not give me trouble when I'm feeding him breakfast."

Dean lifted the baby from his seat and held him high in the air as Zack squealed with delight "You be good for your mom," he said with a hint of laughter in his voice before placing Zack back in his highchair. Dean turned to Olivia "Bye sweetheart," he said, giving her one last quick kiss "I'll be home by dinner."

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Elliot and Chester strode side by side into the apartment "What've we got?" Elliot asked when they reached Melinda who was kneeling beside a sheet covered body.

"A lot of anger," Melinda said simply. "The perp sodomized this guy with a blunt object and then cut his penis off before stabbing him, repeatedly."

"Ouch," Chester muttered.

"Any ID?" Elliot asked the assembled CSU techs.

"Yeah," one tech handed Elliot a wallet "Vic's name is Dean Porter."

A/N: Just to be clear, on the day that Dean is murdered, Olivia and Elliot haven't seen each other for two and a half years. In the next chapter they will meet up again. Please review. And to those of you who liked Dean, I'm sorry but I had this part of the story planned out since the beginning. Love to all of you. Also, I'm sorry it took me so long to update this but I was away for the weekend without internet access. Now I'll stop rambling and you guys can go review.