Fooling Ourselves

Chapter 6: Bittersweet

A/N: It took a while but I finished chapter six. I hope you guys like it. Sorry it took so long but I was trying to get it just right.

"He's an FBI agent," Elliot reported to Captain Paul Downing. Downing was the person that had been assigned after Cragen left. He was a decent man but he was far more interested in furthering his political career than the victims. Elliot personally hated the man but, as Cragen reminded him on more than on occasion, Elliot had enough trouble in his life without taking on his CO.

"A fed," Downing murmured, running his finger just under his mustache, a gesture which thoroughly pissed Elliot off because it meant that the scheming bastard was thinking and in Elliot's opinion, the less that man thought, the better. Downing's attention returned to his detective within a matter of minutes "So where are we on this?" he asked.

Elliot looked down quickly at his notes "Lake is at the morgue getting the official cause Warner and Munch and Fin are interviewing potential witnesses."

"So what are you still doing here Stabler?" Downing asked with a hint of dislike in his voice "Just what are you planning on doing to help us out on this on?"

Elliot almost scoffed. Sometimes it was a struggle not to just punch the arrogant bastard. He looked down at his notes again "I'm gonna go inform Agent Porter's family." With one last pointed stare at Downing, he turned and left.

If only Elliot had even the slightest warning as to who he was going to find at that address.

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Olivia sank onto the couch shortly after nine. It had been a trying day. Around noon, Zack had started screaming his head off for no apparent reason, or so she thought before her hand made contact with his fiery forehead.

She had panicked, wishing she could call Dean, but since he was undercover, he was unreachable. She took Zack to the pediatrician who had assured her that it was just a cold.

Zack had been running a fever all afternoon and had been as fussy as ever. Olivia had finally gotten him to sleep. It was then that she realized how late it was. Dean should have been back hours earlier. If something had gone wrong, Fisher was supposed to call her.

She reached for the phone to call Fisher when she heard the doorbell ring. Olivia got up quickly, fearing that the sound would wake Zack. She rushed to the door and flung it open. She opened her mouth, ready to verbally berate the person on the other side because Zack needed his rest and she needed the momentary quiet, when she stopped dead in her tracks, grabbing the door frame for support "El…Eliot…?" she whispered.

Elliot too was shocked to the point where it was hard to find his voice. He cleared his throat twice before he spoke. Although all he could manage was a weak "Hi."

Olivia was just about to ask him what he was doing there when she saw the squad car parked in the driveway and she noticed that his badge was in his hand; he had probably taken it out before he had rung the doorbell. He was there in an official capacity. Suddenly she was grasping the door frame even tighter "Please," she whispered not to Elliot but to any Gods or God like entities that could hear her.

Elliot took a step forward "I'm sorry Olivia," he began but before he could finish he had to catch her as she fell forward.

"No," she whispered. She began to cry for the loss of her husband in the arms of the man she loved… of all of the universe's cruelties.

Elliot walked her into a house that he had never seen before and helped her sit down on a couch that was not the least bit familiar to him. He let her cry in his arms as his eyes scanned the photos above the mantle.

There was a family photo. Simon and Olivia stood in the center. On Simon's right was a woman that Elliot recognized as Lucy and in front of the two, stood a young boy, about seven or eight years old, who smiled broadly. Dean stood to Olivia's left, his arm wrapped around her waist as he stared not at the camera but at her. The two of them had been happy. Elliot wished desperately that this hadn't happened. He looked down at Olivia, she didn't deserve this pain.

It wasn't until Elliot looked back up at the photo that he truly noticed for the first time the bundle in Olivia's arms. The infant was staring at his mother and most of his face was hidden.

Olivia wiped her eyes in an attempt to regain control over herself. She pulled away from Elliot and followed his gaze to where it rested on the recent photo "A friend of Lucy's took that for us just last week," she said in a voice that sounded so small and so lost.

"I'm so sorry," was all Elliot could muster.

The two were completely silent for a long time. It wasn't one of the comfortable silences that the pair had enjoyed over the years that they had been partners. No, this silence was much more insidious. Each of them wanted to tell the other so many things but couldn't figure out how to broach the topic of their broken relationship under these circumstances. The silence persisted until a shrill cry from the baby monitor brought Olivia back to her reality.

"Zack," she choked out as she attempted to get to her feet but her strength failed her and she found herself falling back into Elliot's arms.

"Take it easy," Elliot soothed "I'll get him."

"He's got a cold," Olivia explained meekly as Elliot stood up. She would have mentioned that Zack was particularly fussy around strangers but the very thought that Elliot was a stranger in her house made her heart break into even further.

Elliot nodded and climbed the stairs, letting Zack's cries guide him to the nursery. He entered the room and approached the crib, almost afraid to look in though he didn't know why. When he did peer over the rail, he saw the most precious baby boy he had seen since Dickie was a baby.

Zack was definitely his mother's son with big brown eyes and beautiful dark hair. His little feet kicked wildly, incased in the feet of pajamas made out of a navy blue fleece peppered with pictures of rubber ducks. His little mouth was open in a perfect O as he emitted a heart wrenching and ear piercing scream.

Elliot reached into the crib and lifted the baby into his arms "Hi there," he cooed "Are you not feeling well little guy?"

Zack seemed to calm down at the sound of Elliot's voice and touch. Elliot felt the little boy's forehead, it was sweaty, that meant that his fever had broken. He smiled, shifting Zack to his shoulder "There we go. Let's go see your mama buddy."

Olivia listened to Elliot's interaction with Zack over the baby monitor and a small smile crept across her lips in spite of everything. She was glad that her son had accepted Elliot. At that moment, she wasn't sure if she was ready to let Elliot back in her life but it made her feel at ease that Zack liked him.

"Hey," she managed when Elliot entered the living room with Zack. She held her arms out and embraced her baby, instantly breaking into full blown tears again. Zack had lost his father. Dean was a very good father and Olivia wept for herself and her son. They had both lost something special and the sad truth was that Zack would never know just how special Dean had been to Olivia.

"His fever's broken," Elliot explained as he took a seat beside Olivia once more.

"Thank God," Olivia whispered. She had been so worried about that damn fever when she had given Zack that baby cold medicine but at least something had gone right. She turned to Elliot, shifting her hands to cover Zack's ears as he sat in her lap. He wasn't old enough to understand yet but still, she didn't want him to hear "How?" she whispered.

"Stabbed," Elliot answered simply, trying to spare her the gruesome details of her husband's murder. Even though she had seen it all in her years at SVU, he knew that this would be too much for her.

Olivia nodded, she knew enough not to ask why Elliot was there instead of some detective from homicide. Dean had been murdered on his undercover assignment and the murder hadn't been just a simple stabbing, Dean's death would forever be marked with strong sexual overtones.

Then something occurred to her. Dean had been undercover, which meant… "How did you make an ID so quickly?"

"Found his wallet on scene," Elliot informed her, watching as Zack became irritated with his mother's hands over his ears and started to fuss again.

Olivia removed her hands and shifted Zack to her shoulder "Shhhh baby boy. It's okay. Mommy's here." Zack calmed down and Olivia returned her attention to Elliot, not bothering to cover Zack's ears this time "He was on an undercover Elliot," she said quietly.

The realization hit Elliot hard. Dean wouldn't have had his wallet with him. He wouldn't have been carrying his real ID. Someone wanted them to identify him. Elliot felt a cold chill run down his spine. He had seen the body himself. It had been Dean, without a doubt.

But Olivia had jumped to a more hopeful conclusion. Like anyone faced with the loss of a loved one, she began to grasp at straws "It couldn't have been him then," she said, her voice tinged with cautious optimism. Elliot was about to tell her that there was no mistake but she continued "I can make an ID of the body and I'll tell you it's not him," and before Elliot could say anything, she was up the stairs, in the nursery, packing a diaper bag for Zack.

She didn't want to face the possibility that the man that she had grown to love was gone, even when the one she had never stopped loving, stood in her living room. She couldn't accept that Zack would never know his father. She refused to face waking up from a nightmare without Dean there to comfort her.

Olivia appeared at the bottom of the stairs only minutes later with the diaper bag slung over her shoulder and Zack, still dressed in his pajamas and looking quite bewildered, propped against the other. "Let's go," she said firmly. All she could think of was proving Elliot, the NYPD and that nagging voice in the back of her mind wrong. Dean just had to be alive. Someone had stolen his wallet and planted it on some random dead body. She didn't even think about the fact that even if the body in the morgue wasn't Dean, she still had no idea where he was.

Elliot took a step forward and finally found a free second to speak "Olivia," he began, laying a hand on her forearm "I saw his face, it was him, I'm sorry."

Olivia stood there, staring him down "You're wrong," she told him matter-of-factly. There was no other explanation, Elliot had to be wrong.

Elliot sighed, knowing that there was only one way Olivia would believe that Dean was dead but also knowing that it would crush her as it did so many other people who came to identify the bodies of their loved ones. Still, he had to try to stop her, at least long enough for Warner to make Dean look presentable, that meant convincing Olivia to wait until morning. He took another step towards her, crossing into the zone that sent electricity coursing through him every time he had entered it when they had been partners "Okay," he conceded "I'll take you to ID the body but it can wait until morning."

"No it can't," Olivia said stubbornly. If the body wasn't Dean, she had to confirm it as soon as possible "If he's not Dean," she began "He's someone else's husband or son or brother. Whoever that person is, they deserve justice and it's better you find out now that it isn't Dean so you can get on the right track," she remembered all too well cases were they had been chasing ghosts because the victim had been carrying someone else's ID.

Elliot didn't want to give in but he saw that fire in Olivia's eyes, the fire that told him he had better listen to her or there would be hell to pay. But there would be hell to pay either way and he wanted to shield her from this as much as possible. "I'll pick you up tomorrow at nine," he said firmly and made his way towards the door.

Olivia grabbed his arm tightly and yanked him back to her, letting the diaper bag fall to the floor "Take me to the morgue," she nearly seethed.

Elliot winced as her nails dug into his flesh through the fabric of his shirt. God, he'd missed her. "Okay," he finally said in defeat "Let's go."

"Just let me get Zack's car seat," Olivia said, releasing Elliot's arm. She handed Zack to Elliot and retrieved the car seat. She strapped Zack in to the back seat of the sedan and took her place in the passenger's side. It felt good to be in a squad car again even under the circumstances. To be with Elliot in the familiar standard issue car was somehow… comforting. She sighed, tilting her head back and closing her eyes. It was then that her rational mind crept through to the forefront. He's dead, it told her. He's dead and you know you're just fooling yourself

A/N: Six chapters into the story and I've finally used the words from the title. I'm so proud of myself. Anyway, it's late and I'm off to bed. I can't wait to hear what you guys thought of this chapter. Don't worry, this story is far from over.