Today's Tekken, the Documentary is brought to you by….
Holy Smokes, by Marlboro… Are you in heaven or are you just high?
-NEWSBREAK-
The Energizer Bunny has been arrested an hour ago. Sources claim he was charged with battery. More on this tonight at 11, on NZC channel 16. (cue generic news station music)
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A/N Hi all, I know this series is over, but after two years I'm finally back to continue the series, with the promised sequel, "Tekken, the Biography", this year (yeah, I know I said that two years ago, but this time I've already started).
Anyway, I've also come to talk to you about a very serious issue that is arising- overpopulation of characters in the Tekken series. In the first Tekken, there were roughly 20 total characters, including unlockable characters. By Tekken 2 there were 25, a regular growth. Tekken 3 keeps true to these populations, in the low 20's, where there is a fair cast of original characters to choose from, but not so many that one takes as much time to pick their character as they do to actually friggin' fight.
And then comes Tekken Tag. 39 characters. Considering that four of them will be on the battlefield at a time, my adversaries argue that it only makes sense that there be two times as many characters to choose from, but wait a second. Even though Tekken 4 brought the swelling back down to the oh-so-sacred "low 20's", there are 36 individual characters in Tekken 5. As I'm sure you know, Tekken 5 is NOT like Tekken Tag. You must choose one character.
According to these disturbing trends, it is estimated that by the time the (assumed) Tekken 8 comes out (sometime in late 2010, estimates say) there will be at least 50 characters, most of which won't even have a discernable story line. Because of this, the earth will heat up and all of the polar bears will die. We will have more hurricanes and in general the quality of life will worsen until a man that failed to become the U.S. President narrates a movie about it and wins some awards, which will solve the problem for unclear reasons (if you don't understand this, consider yourself lucky because Al Gore is a bastard).
What other implications does the population increase hold for us? Well, there's the fact that in Tekken 1, only the 19-20 most powerful fighters in the world (allegedly) are participating in the tournament. As it turns out, the number of the most powerful fighters slowly increases as time goes on. By the year 2100, everyone (with the exception of the polar bears, who will be no more) will be the most powerful fighter in the world and have their own backgrounds that hardly anyone will ever read because there are 12 billion other people's backgrounds to investigate.
For more information, we have briefly discussed the issue with Dr. Biskonovitch, renown Tekken Demographer.
"I know everything," Dr. B informs us. "I know, for instance, that this entire chapter was devised primarily so that you can inform everyone that's reading this that the sequel is finally underway, since you promised to give them a sequel two years ago and they probably no longer recognize your existence."
"Yeah, yeah, whatever," I say. Of course he's not telling the truth (NOTE: He might be). "Now, why is it that the number of Tekken fighters has increased so much?"
"Oh, that's easy," the old man assures me. This entire time he was on his back, but he manages to stand up long enough to address the camera. I have no idea why he's always lying on his back. "People like lots of choices, even if it's certain that people never use some of them. For instance, Gon and I were completely unfair characters, out of range of most middle and high attacks. It was hell trying to fight us. But Tekken 3 sold a lot of copies, didn't it? And it only had a few more characters than the arcade version.
"Tekken 5 has another insanely unfair character," Dr. B continued, "I'm sure you know who I'm talking about. I'll give you a clue. His names starts with an alcoholic beverage and ends with a 'pachi'"
For those of you with an IQ below room-temperature, he is of course talking about Grandpa. Jinpachi is an asshole with a mouth where his stomach should be. Also, he is undoubtedly the cheapest and most difficult character to defeat in recent Tekken history. Most frustratingly, he is not a playable character (not without some insane cheating, anyway). The main motivation behind killing Devil and Ogre with every damn character in Tekken 2 and 3 was the heartwarming knowledge that I can one day be them, slaughtering characters left and right. Jinpachi is just plain evil, and the major reason I killed him was just to kill him. If I can't be him, nobody can.
Remember, if you recycle and limit your pollution, the grim world described in this chapter may never happen. Hopefully, it wouldn't happen regardless.
Tekken, the Biographies (the sequel I promised) will begin in February 2007, probably next week (for real this time, I've already finished the first Chapter!). Look out for it!