Bedlamite

'Ello, 'ello. This one is long in comparison to some past chapters. This is because what was originally the start of chapter seven ended up working better at the end of chapter six. Read, enjoy, review.

Warning: This story is rated M. It contains strong violence, adult themes, and sexual references.

Summary: First let's pretend Harry is sent to Azkaban. Now let's pretend he doesn't like it much. Then let's pretend the ministry says OOPS and releases him. But finally, let's pretend Harry does not easily forgive and forget. Dear wizarding world… this means war.

Disclaimer: See chapter one.

Beta: Suiadan

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Chapter 6- Positive Reinforcement

28th August

"And after we've gotten past there, we simply walk straight in and throw a bag over his head. He trusts us so he won't struggle. We stun the two Slytherins and bring Harry back here. Then we sit him down and explain that we couldn't have known and we apologize that he had to suffer for the Ministry's error. He'll understand and then he can start term with Ron and Hermione and everything will be back to normal." Sirius completed his idea and sat back with a satisfied grin pasted over his face.

"Padfoot," Remus seemed at a loss as to where to begin, "While I agree that Harry needs to come back home to us, we are slightly at fault and as such, that is truly the most moronic, ill thought out, completely unfeasible plan that has ever emerged from the shallow depths of your mind. And by shallow yes I do mean that you have a low level of intelligence."

"Remus, Remus, Remus, the first lesson in training your new pet is that positive reinforcement is always more effective then negative reinforcement." Cassie informed the werewolf in a patronizing tone as she came up behind them to pat Sirius on the head gently.

"Where the hell did you come from?" Sirius voiced his surprise as well as his annoyance at the young girl's choice of metaphors.

"Language Josie, I'm still a naïve young child after all. Oh, and in answer to your question; I was waiting for about ten minutes so I could both hear your plan, and find a suitable moment to insult you in an indirect fashion." She replied flippantly, "Now Remus, pay attention here," She turned toward Sirius again and continued in a high pitched tone, "Hey girl! You want this letter from your godson? You do huh? You do? Well you need to earn it. Beg Sabrina! Beg!"

"You have a letter from Harry?" Sirius perked up instantly in his seat.

"Well Lucy, you have the position right, but you need to bring those cute little paws up to your chest, up Jenny! And then stick your tongue out for me. There's a cutie pie. Aww, doesn't she look adaaawable Remus?"

Sirius had by this stage registered the insults and was sitting with his arms crossed and a pout on his face.

"Er, Sirius?" Remus leant over and murmured in the man's ear, "You do realize your sulking over something an eleven year old just said to you?"

"… No I'm not."

"…"

"Ungh. This just lost all it's fun when she started getting all defensive." Cassie rolled her eyes and tossed the letter at the still sulky teacher, "If you need me, I'll be over there at the big kids table, but remember if you do come over, Big Jim may give you that wedgie he's been promising you."

"Look kid, try to remember that you only have a certain amount of letters to give, so we won't let you get away with this for long." Sirius finally snapped at her, "We are your elders as well as your teachers and I promise you, when term begins homework will be the least of your worries in my classroom."

With an almost blissful smile, Cassie stepped forward and pinched Sirius' cheek none too gently, turning to speak to Remus as she did so.

"Aaaw." She began, "She's just so shweet when she's all angwy."

As Cassie skipped over to the head table and Sirius spluttered in outrage, Remus plucked the letter from the other man's grasp. A few minutes later, he returned it to Sirius and calmly stood and left the room, only Cassie noting the distraught look on his face and slight shake of his fingers. She sighed softly to herself.

"The poor dear." She murmured just out of her older companions' earshot, "But I suppose that sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind. One day, many years from now when he's all grown up, he'll thank us for it."

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Far away in the Bahamas, Harry too sighed and looked down at his girlfriend who was curled up at his side, peacefully reading a book.

"Do you think I was too hard on Lupin?" He asked in a troubled tone. Daphne closed her book and twisted her head up to look at him carefully.

"The only person who can truly answer that is you." She said seriously, "If you feel you went too far then you probably did. However, if you can't help but feel a slight grin creeping over your face over the whole thing, accompanied by a twinge of anger over how he treated you, then you most likely stopped at just the right point. Besides," She smiled gently, "If he figures it out and does the right thing, then you've got yourself a very useful inside man in our whole revenge against the world thing."

Harry contemplated this momentarily before the slight grin Daphne had mentioned really did appear.

"I suppose we'll have to see what he does then. And anyway, if he didn't want to hear some bad news, he should mind his own business and not read other people's mail."

"Hey guys." Draco bounced into the room carrying a small box with'DANGER! EXPLOSIVES!' written on the side, "Who wants to help me explode this thing in Diagon Alley?"

"What does it do?" Daphne asked as Harry rolled his eyes and left the room to do more important things.

"Not much," He said as he tried to look innocent. "Well, it is possible that it will cause everyone who walks along the street to suffer from bouts of hysteria and everyone who goes into a store to throw up and that the effect may also remain on the area for about a week if the Ministry can't fix it." He added sheepishly as she raised an eyebrow at his quick brush-off.

"You realize that if you do that, not one purchase will occur during the time that thing lasts and the entire British Wizarding economy could crash?"

"Of course. Are you in?" Draco hopped impatiently from one foot to the other.

"… Only if I can turn Knockturn Alley bright pink at the same time. Oh, and give it some overhead lighting that perfectly brightens every dark corner and doorway" Daphne smirked back at him.

"My dear, you are truly evil." Draco congratulated her, offering an arm which she accepted dramatically.

"Why naturally. I am a Slytherin remember?"

"Ah but that no longer justifies evilness." Draco explained, "Your boyfriend wanted to blow up an eleven year old and look what house he is, or was, in."

"I guess your right." Daphne grinned, "By the way, I was thinking we should sneak a new law into the Ministry declaring this as Evil Day. I think it would be a good thing to give this country as a way to remember the havoc we've caused."

"Why don't you two just go get some sleep?" Harry shouted from the other room.

"Darling, I just got out of bed." Daphne reminded him, "And when I did so I suddenly realized that while it may be a whole new day here, it's still Evil Day in dear old England. I simply must cause some more havoc. They've had several hours of peace! What on earth must they think of us?"

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Rita Skeeter could not decide if this was the best or worst day of her career. She had enough front page stories to get her the biggest raise she would ever receive, but she also had a letter from Harry Potter. The letter stated that if she did print the stories but turned down the raise, then he wouldn't punish her. That in itself was laughable because as it stood, having to make this decision was punishment enough. If she turned down one raise, her boss would feel comfortable and justified in never having to offer her one again. However, having seen what had happened to Nymphadora Tonks, she wasn't sure the threat of a personalized Harry Punishment was something she wanted to ignore. She bided her time by sending in the stories and waiting to see how much she was offered before making her final decision.

About half an hour after her owl had left with her latest works; she heard a whooshing sound from the fireplace and turned to see her editor with an ecstatic smile on his face.

"These are amazing Rita, how did you get into the Ministry to find out about the Auror? And the interview with her; utterly remarkable." He reached out to shake her hand, "I believe this justifies a raise."

Rita looked at the slip of paper in his hand and couldn't help but gape. That much extra a fortnight would get her roughly another four thousand galleons a year.

"Sir I am immensely grateful for this. I appreciate it so very much. My loyalty to this paper could not be more honest." She gushed as the man smiled and popped out of her fireplace.

Rita was feeling a little nervous now, but truly for that sum, she could handle the possibility of a sex change. She took a deep breath and headed back into her study. She had a letter from Harry Potter after all and she couldn't waste the opportunity to send a reply asking for an interview. Surely he would understand the necessity of her decision and even if he didn't, well, she had had these sorts of problems before and always survived them. Barely.

- - - - - -

"Hello boys," Cassie smirked at the teachers as they watched her warily. Possibly because after delivering the letter to Sirius and sitting with them for a few minutes she had disappeared for the entire day only to show up now in time for dinner. Or possibly because she was eleven, pretending to be Lara Croft, and doing a remarkably good job of it. "I had planned to use this time to pull out your letters and hand them all out but for now, I'll just let you stew." She slipped gently into her seat next to Minerva and wrinkled her nose at the food before her. "I hate peas," She sighed before digging in as they all watched her.

Sirius glared at her a little bit, still feeling slightly touchy over the insults she had dealt out earlier that day. He was also a little upset that the letter he had been given simply said I'm sorry but the number you have dialed has been disconnected. Please try again later.

As a pureblooded wizard, he couldn't really understand this comment and spent most of the day reopening the letter to see if it was 'later' yet. Eventually the letter had apparently gotten tired of the whole thing and simply had 'piss off' written in big letters across it. Remus however was yet to snap out of his Harry induced daze and simply munched a breadstick quietly. The other teachers kept one eye on the young girl but focused most of their attention on each other. Well, everyone except Dumbledore that is who still held the belief that yes, the world really did revolve around him. As such, no-one was particularly surprised when he sat up with "an announcement to make".

"I think I have found the solution to our problems with bringing Harry back to us." He stated grandly once they were all looking at him.

"This'll be good," Cassie and Severus muttered at the same time before glaring at each other for making it sound like some sort of cliché on a TV sitcom.

"As you all know, Hogwarts is warded to keep most people from apparating in." Albus continued as everyone rolled their eyes before turning to look at the only known exception to the rule who gave a finger wave before returning to the trials of stomaching peas, "However, on several occasions in the past, Headmasters have been drawn upon by the Ministry as, if manipulated correctly, the wards can be used in reverse and a selected individual is drawn into them."

"Are you freaking crazy?" Cassie shouted out at him, "Don't answer that. But seriously, what makes you think that would work on Harry Potter for God's sake? And if by some miracle he did, he'd just glare at you and leave again to plan an even more severe revenge against you."

"Minerva, I believe Miss DeGette is a little overwhelmed with the knowledge that our poor boy may soon be returned to us." Dumbledore said wisely, "Why don't you escort her back to your rooms so she can get some shut eye hmm?"

Not a single person in the room including Albus himself believed the notion that Cassie could get worked up by the idea he'd suggested but Minerva took the hint and lead Cassie out. Cassie however had decided that if she had to put up with this treatment, they would all have to hear about it.

"What?" She shrieked out at them, earning a wince from Pomona, "Have you all lost your minds? I am the only connection you have with him and you're going to completely ignore my opinion? You cannot seriously think I will stand for this outrage- get your hands off me woman or I swear I'll use the pepper spray! Get off of me! Oh great, now Samantha here gets to have her revenge moment." Minerva gratefully handed the kicking and screaming girl over to a smirking Sirius, "Stop manhandling me you arse!" Cassie continued in her rant before resorting to the classics, "HELP! Rape! Somebody please save me from this sexually repressed maniac!" Then moving on to a different technique; bribery, "Hey listen Julia, if you let me go, I promise I'll help you paint your nails and then we can sit back and look over the designs for your wedding dress and I'll give my opinions of the seating plan you've had all set up since you were fifteen." Before finally trying her usual fallback plan of cuteness. "Pweeease Mister Bwack sir? I pwomise I'll be good."

Cassie's efforts were in vain however because Sirius had long since decided she was a good for nothing brat and as such took great pleasure in his new duties. Her ineffective cries could still be heard for several minutes after he'd left the hall, by this stage bodily carrying her across his shoulder.

"Okay, as I was saying." Dumbledore continued after everyone's ears had finally stopped ringing and gotten used to the returned serenity.

On a final note: I am having a slight difficulty coming up with new things for revenge for the following characters-

Hermione, Cho, Kingsley, Percy (it won't be big, just a warning that his misdoings weren't forgotten), and Ginny.

The problem I am having is that there are only so many things that really work for these characters and they've been used by other authors. I have already recieved a few suggestions from some readers which may or may not be used in chapters seven and nine (eight is full) but I would freely accept more ideas. So, if you have the perfect idea for revenge on the above characters or any other that you won't be able to use in your own story/s, please send me a review with your idea. Credit will be given for any and all suggestions and I will make a list of the ones I don't use so you all know how creative your peers are. If anyone overlaps, original credit will go to the first person to suggest it but I'll list anyone else who thought of it too. Oh and in Percy's case; it can't be anything serious or with a long lasting physical, psychological, or financial effect. Everyone else is fair game.

Btw, credit goes to a Scrubs obsessed sister for the idea of how Cassie would treat Sirius.