Fooling Ourselves

Chapter 19: Broken

A/N: I hope you guys like this. Poor Olivia's experiencing a lot more angst than I ever wanted her too but I don't blame her. These characters always seem to get away from me when I write.

"You should get some sleep," Elliot said, motioning to the cot that the nurse had brought in for them so that they could be close to their children.

It was after midnight and Olivia still sat in the chair, on edge and alert in case she needed to be. She shook her head "I'm not tired," she lied. If she had to stay awake for the rest of her life, she would consider it a small sacrifice to make if she could protect their children.

Elliot touched her arm gently "Liv, you're exhausted," he had seen straight through her half assed attempt at deception. "You need some rest," he wrapped his arms around her and lifted her from the chair, setting her on the cot "I'll keep an eye on the kids," he promised.

She half glared at him "You…" she began "I…" she could feel gravity pulling her body to the flimsy mattress of the cot; she was exhausted. "I'm getting up in two hours no matter what you say," she protested as he handed her a pillow.

"Four," he told her with a small smile.

"Two," she countered.

"Three and a half," he offered.

"Elliot," she stifled a yawn "I am not doing this."

He laughed and picked up the blanket from the foot of the cot and handing it to her "They're fine Olivia. Nothing's gonna happen to them."

Olivia nodded, wanting desperately to believe him. Her head hit the pillow and she closed her eyes, trying to fall asleep but at first, she couldn't. Finally, her exhaustion won out and she drifted off.

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"Hey," Munch knocked on the frame of the slightly opened hospital room door. Elliot nodded to him and he and Fin walked in. Munch was carrying a cardboard tray of coffees and Fin was holding a large brown paper bag on which could plainly be seen the McDonalds logo.

"Have you guys eaten anything?" Fin asked, lowering his voice when he saw Olivia sleeping on the cot.

"Not really," Elliot shrugged, watching over Olivia with concern "I tried to get her to eat something but she said she wasn't hungry."

"And what's your excuse?" Munch asked, reaching into thee bag that Fin was holding and passing Elliot a cheeseburger.

"I've been… distracted," he replied, accepting the burger and unwrapping it "It took me for ever to get her to go to sleep."

"Gitano did a real number on her," Munch observed.

The other two men nodded their agreement. The psychological damage was immense. None of them wanted to imagine what it had been like for her though Elliot found himself thinking about it more than he cared to.

Munch cleared his throat "Downing called," he began.

Elliot sat back in his chair and braced himself "And…?"

"He talked to the director of the FBI," Munch continued "Because Olivia was one of the original detectives on the Gitano case, she's working with us to try and catch him."

Elliot looked down into Olivia's sleeping face. It was full of agony. He looked back at Munch "Does Downing understand the situation here?" he asked.

"It was the director of the FBI's idea," Fin put in "Downing actually tried to talk him out of it."

"I can't let her do that," Elliot whispered.

"The director is her boss and his orders stand," Munch said somberly.

The three men sat in silence for a long time. The silence was only broken by a sound from the cot. Olivia rolled over and made a noise so pitiful that Munch, Fin and Elliot all stared at each other.

"Please," Olivia began to talk in her sleep "Please just take me. Don't do this." None of them had ever heard her sound so vulnerable. As they watched, she began to tremble and tears slid out from between her closed eyelids.

Elliot stood up and crossed the few feet to the cot. He bent down beside her and put a hand on her shoulder "Liv, wake up honey," he soothed but she remained trapped in her nightmare. He turned to the others "See what I mean," he said. He shook her shoulder lightly.

Her eyes popped open "Elliot," she breathed. She sat up and looked around "The kids," she gasped.

"Shhhh, they're fine," he murmured as he held her and let her sob into his chest.

Olivia clung to him tight as her body was uncontrollably wracked with sobs. Finally, she pulled away from him and looked towards where the children were. It was then that she noticed Munch and Fin. Her face flushed and she bowed her head, wiping furiously at her tears. "Uh… hi guys," she muttered sheepishly "Sorry about…"

"Don't apologize," Munch said understandingly.

"You know we're here for you," Fin said, reaching into the paper bag and taking out a napkin "It's not a tissue," he said apologetically as he passed it to her.

"Thanks," Olivia gave him a half smile as she used the napkin to wipe her face "Smells like McDonalds," she commented and they all shared a short laugh.

"Hungry?" Fin asked, holding a cheeseburger out to her.

Olivia shook her head "No thanks."

"When was the last time you ate?" Elliot asked.

Olivia wasn't sure. Gitano had busted in before the dinner had been cooked and she couldn't remember eating breakfast that morning either. She just shook her head "I'm not hungry," she said firmly, waving a hand in the direction of the bag in Fin's hand. "I could use some water though," she stood up.

"Gotcha covered," Munch handed her a bottle of water that sat in the middle of the tray of coffees.

"Thanks," Olivia took the bottle and sat down again.

They sat in silence for a long time. None of them wanted to bring up the subject that they had been talking about just before Olivia had woken up. They were afraid of how she would react. The subject wasn't discussed any further that night or the next on for that matter.

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The days past on with Olivia barely ever leaving the room and when she did, she never went further than the vending machines. Occasionally, Maureen or Kathleen or the twins would come by to sit with her when Elliot couldn't be there, once even Lucy and Charlie stopped by.

"Look at my cool casts Aunt Olivia," Charlie smiled as he used his crutches to walk over to her.

Olivia gave the boy a tiny smile as she picked him up and sat him in her lap "Nice," she said as way of humoring him; to her, just seeing those casts broke her heart.

"You wanna sign them?" he asked, hopefully.

"Sure," Olivia looked around for something to write with. She looked up and saw Lucy holding a purple pen out to her "Thanks," she whispered taking it. She looked at the cast on Charlie's arm and saw, among other signatures that she didn't recognize, those of Elliot, Maureen, Kathleen, Dickie, Elizabeth, Munch, Fin, Lucy, Casey, Cragen and Simon. She hadn't seen Simon since Gitano had shot him. Elliot had told her that he was all right but that he'd be in the hospital for a long time but somehow, seeing his signature, knowing that he had written those letters with his own hand, made her feel better. She traced the letters with her finger. She'd have to go see him.

She uncapped the pen and signed her name just below Elliot's "There you go," she said, looking at her nephew.

"Thanks," he grinned at her and slid off her lap, grabbing his crutches.

Olivia looked up at Lucy again, handing her the pen back "How are you feeling?" she asked, hating herself for what had happened to her sister-in-law.

Lucy sat down in the chair next to her "I'm okay I guess," she said glumly.

"Lucy," Olivia whispered "I'm so sorry about-"

"Don't be," Lucy said quickly "I'm just glad that I still have Simon and Charlie," she sniffled "Like he said, we can have another child," Lucy hid her face in her hands.

Olivia reached out to her "Lucy… I… I wish that this had never happened," she turned away from her "Thanks for coming to visit."

Lucy nodded and stood up "Charlie," she called to her son who was showing his casts to Rose "We should get going and go see Dad."

Charlie nodded and hobbled over to his mother "Bye Aunt Olivia," he waved with his good arm.

"Bye Charlie," she waved back.

Before she left, Lucy put a hand on Olivia's shoulder "Everything's gonna work out. Please don't blame yourself for any of this."

Olivia nodded but remained silent as she watched them leave.

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Later that afternoon, Elliot showed up with another bag of McDonalds, hoping that he could coax Olivia to eat something this time. It had been nearly a week and all he'd seen her put into her body was water and the occasional piece of chewing gum or tic-tac. She was by standing by Rose's bed when he entered.

When she heard him approach she looked up. "Hi," she said, trying to smile. Then she asked the question she'd asked every day "Did they find Gitano yet?"

Elliot sighed, setting the bag of food down and moving behind her, encircling her with his arms "Not yet," he said sadly before quickly changing the subject "How're they doing today?"

She turned to him "They're both napping now," she reported.

"I can see that," he chuckled.

She swatted his chest playfully "Rose wants to know if she's gonna get to leave the hospital before Christmas. I told her that we get to leave tomorrow," she looked down "I'm not sure I'm ready to go back to someplace that isn't swarming with people," she admitted.

Elliot pulled her closer "I know," he said, stroking her hair. He had felt safe knowing that she was surrounded by people every second.

"But," Olivia said, trying to be upbeat "It'll be nice to stop living out of my duffle bag," she tried to laugh.

"Yeah," Elliot ran his thumb along her jaw line and brought his lips closer to hers. He kissed her "I promise, I'll make sure you're safe," he pulled back and added "All of you."

She rested her head against his shoulder "Thank you," she whispered.

He held her and they stood there for a long time before he pulled back "Do you think I could convince you to eat something today?"

Olivia looked down "Maybe a little bit," she admitted.

Elliot smiled and picked up the McDonalds bag "Dig in."

The time passed and Elliot enjoyed the small victory of getting Olivia to eat a few French fries and a bite of a cheeseburger.

When Zack began to cry, Olivia forgot all about the food and crossed the room to his crib. She picked him up and carried him over to where she and Elliot had been sitting. She took her seat again and smiled down into his tiny face "I'm glad he still loves me," she whispered.

"Of course he does," Elliot smiled, reaching out and touching the baby's cheek with his finger. He cleared his throat "Listen," he began "I was going to tell you earlier but there's something I think you should know before we leave here tomorrow."

Olivia looked up "Yeah?" she asked.

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Olivia hung up the phone and sighed. She rested her head against the cool metal of the phone booth; she would have used her cell phone if it weren't for the nurse who had caught her and reprimanded her, telling her that she wasn't supposed to use it within the confines of the hospital.

"Are you okay?" Elliot asked from behind her. He held Zack in his arms and the baby had drifted off to sleep.

"Better than I've been," she whispered. She turned around to face Elliot "As soon as I write the formal letter, it'll be official."

"You sure you wanna do this?" Elliot asked for the thirteenth time.

Olivia followed him back to the room "I can't do the chasing down bad guys thing anymore," she said, her eyes on her shoes the whole time "It just… it's just gotten… too… personal."

Elliot nodded "Well, before you write that letter, maybe you should talk to Huang."

Olivia looked at him for a few seconds in awkward silence before nodding "Probably," she consented. The fact that she didn't even put up a fight when Elliot had suggested that she see Huang was an indicator of just how much she needed to talk to him.

"Things will work out," he told her as he lowered Zack carefully into the crib "We'll catch him."

Olivia nodded and sat down on the cot, reaching out to Elliot "Come sit with me for a while?" she asked.

Elliot nodded and dropped down beside her on the cot. He wrapped his arm around her shoulders "I won't let anything happen to you."

"I know," she smiled softly, resting his head on her shoulder "I love you."

Elliot smiled "I love you too Olivia." And in that hospital room, that night, for that brief period of time, things were good.

A/N: Please review. I promise I'll try to update soon.