Bedlamite
Well, it has been a while now hasn't it. I've been sick and for that I apologize. Now, I have some issues I need to clear up, all in relation to the PAIRING POLL. It is for a new story. I am not changing the pairing for this story. Daphne's annoying enough as it is, and she'll give me a hell of a hard time if I go and wreck her sex life on top of everything else. She's still sulky about the whole Azkaban thing. The pairing poll is to vote towards who will be paired with Harry, not anyone else.
That said, the pairing poll is currently lead by Blaise Zabini, followed closely by Pansy Parkinson and Charlie Weasley. Please remember that I am already working on another het story that is already six chapters long (not posted obviously) and still going, so it isn't the end of the world if the story ends up being slash. You will live. No more flames like with Abandon Ship thank-you.
New readers, please note that you may vote for:
Blaise, Seamus, Charlie, Marcus Flint, Oliver, Percy, Theodore Nott, Victor, Kingsley, Padma, Pansy, Lisa Turpin, Penelope Clearwater, Tonks, Sally-Anne, Susan, Angelina, Alicia, and Katie.
The poll will close at the exact moment when I post the final chapter of Replay (chapter 17).
Abandon Ship will be updated soon. I have finished the latest chapter, it is just being beta-ed.
That is all. Enjoy the chapter.
Chapter 9- Disturbances
"Isabel!"
"Miss De Gette, thank you for gracing us with your presence. We all missed you terribly." Sirius stated sarcastically as Cassie bounded into his classroom and the other first years all smirked at him.
He wasn't sure who, but someone had decided to let them in on the details of Harry's plight in Azkaban. Needless to say; they all now took sadistic pleasure in watching Cassie muck up his class schedules. He guessed this tattletale was the self same person who managed to pass a law insisting that Care of Magical Creatures be added to the list of compulsory subjects, thus forcing him to deal with this she-devil two years too soon.
"Oh no trouble sweetheart, even us evil geniuses and future tyrants bent on world domination need to take some time out for comic relief every once in a while." Cassie shot back at him with an angelic smile, flipping her plaits over her left shoulder. "But I'm glad to hear that you all longed so desperately for my company. It just gives me this warm fuzzy feeling inside to know I'm so loved. Now, what do you have on the program for today's show?"
Sirius stood silently for a moment, glaring with barely disguised loathing at the evil red-head before him.
"Gnomes," He finally ground out, "We'll be learning the easiest way to handle them without getting bitten. Does that suit you your majesty?"
"Oh Cheryl, I thought you knew better by now then to address royalty directly. But no matter. On with the demonstration!" Cassie clapped her hands together sharply.
"I gave the demonstration last lesson Miss De Gette, and you have a detention with Mister Filch this afternoon from three for deciding not to show up. Professor Dumbledore has directed me to inform you that if you miss another class or detention your parents will be contacted."
"He directed you? Oh your poor dear, it seems just about everyone gets to boss you around. That must be very degrading, but I guess if you're used to submission you might not find it such a trial. Tell me Alison, are you sexually submissive?" Cassie looked up at him, her eyes innocently widened.
"For today's lesson," Sirius chose to ignore the girl and instead addressed the class, "You will all be attempting the techniques I showed you last class. Put on your gloves and select a crate of gnomes. Shift them all from the crate to the sack next to it. If you complete that confidently you may attempt throwing them. Aim for the large, white, oak tree over there near the forbidden forest. Miss De Gette, while I doubt you will finally choose this lesson to begin to show in class participation, if you have one of your mood swings you may work with Miss Sims and Miss Heckle who will show you the correct procedure."
"Did you hear that Bessie? We get to be partners!" Cassie cried in delight as Bessie rolled her eyes and Nola Heckle hid a giggle, "Oh this is going to be so much fun! We can read magazines and drink hot chocolate and have pillow fights! It'll be just like Diagon Alley."
"It will?"
"Well, not exactly. In fact, I don't know anyone who's had a pillow fight in Diagon Alley, but you've got to admit it would be fun."
"I guess you're right, but I'd never put much thought into the idea."
"Neither had I, but my recent investigation into the true sexual habits of our charming professor Noreen has allowed me a chance to truly explore such ideas as exhibitionism and the like."
"Miss De Gette." Sirius called out menacingly.
"Aren't you a bit young to be thinking about such things?" Nola asked curiously, completely ignoring their spluttering teacher.
"Probably, but the voices keep telling me that if I start my research early it will be a lot more fun when I do actually get around to it." Cassie explained.
"You know, I'd never considered it that way." Bessie looked thoughtful, "it would help with a lot of awkwardness later on in life if at least one person involved knew a little about the situation. Perhaps I should broach this topic to Professor Flitwick as a new subject for us Ravenclaws to research."
"Can I be there when you do?" Cassie looked hopeful, "Not only would the look on his face be just priceless; but I'm also trying to figure out exactly who Professor Flower here's 'dom' is. Doesn't dear Filius just seem like the type? My first thought was the darling werewolf, but that would be far too obvious. I'm sure it must be much subtler then that. Where would be the fun otherwise? Half the entertainment in that sort of intimacy is in keeping it hidden I'm sure."
"Miss De Gette, this is your last warning."
"Okay, okay, keep your panties on Charlotte." Cassie sludged over to join the two Ravenclaws, for once seeming to be actually working on the given task.
Or at least, so it seemed for a minute or two.
"I can't take much more of this Albus! She's psychotic! She's a danger to me, the other students, even herself."
Albus sucked peacefully on a lemon drop as he observed his rather emotional employee. Sirius had come straight up to his office after the final lesson of the day with Remus trailing behind sporting a worried look. Apparently their new student Cassandra De Gette had decided that, like house elves, gnomes deserved to be free and unmolested. With the support and assistance of all the other first years she had begun setting fire to all the crates, then directing the slightly burnt and traumatized gnomes straight towards Sirius for "reconditioning for their new role as free and productive members of society". Apparently free and slightly singed gnomes preferred the taste of human flesh to that of potatoes. They were probably still trying to recover from the stress of having lived in the Weasley's backyard.
On that note he had to remember to inform the Weasley's that upon trying to get rid of the gnomes Sirius had somehow managed to apparate them all back onto their property, although going on the suspiciously indirect and theoretically impossible method with which Sirius had managed this task, he suspected that the Weasley's had already been informed through the way of another fine from the Department of Magical Creatures. Perhaps even another letter from Drew Morton if one or two had managed to get through onto his property again.
"Now, now Sirius, the girl's only eleven." Albus placated, "Surely you are more then capable of dealing with this."
Remus gave a hollow laugh.
"Eleven or not; she's in league with three of the most immoral people in existence. She's probably got at least three demons and an archangel at her beck and call. Merlin only knows what that girl's capable of."
"Remus, my dear boy, what has gotten into you?" Albus stared at the usually rational man. One he knew to be one of the few members of his order currently shouldering the blame for their actions towards Harry recently.
"My apologies Headmaster, I just got another communication from Ha- sorry, Lord Potter." Remus looked around fearfully as though Harry might smite him for his blunder.
"You did?" Sirius turned to face him eagerly, "What did it say? Has he come to his senses? Is he coming home? Will he take Cassie away from us?"
"I can't say Sirius."
"Moony! We've never had secrets."
"No, seriously I can't say. If I do my tongue will be slashed to ribbons by invisible razor blades and then disguised as lemon drops and left for Albus to enjoy."
Dumbledore slowly extracted one of the yellow sweets from his mouth and placed it distastefully on the table before him.
"Albus!" Poppy burst into the room with a look of outrage on her face, "How could you let this happen? You swore to protect these children but yet you allow these bastards into your school to prey on them!"
"Poppy? What on earth is the matter?"
"I apologize for her behaviour Albus, she's a little horrified at the moment." Severus entered the room behind her, "We've just come from the hospital wing. I'm afraid we have a bit of a situation."
"What's wrong?"
"Well nothing really, but we needed to get your attention for a minute." Poppy grinned at him.
"I'm sorry?"
"Well you see, we have two intruders in the castle, I suspect they're Mister Potter and Miss Greengrass, but I can't be sure. They're going around impersonating Severus and I while the real versions of us are locked in the Hospital wing so they don't get in the way."
"Quick Albus we've got to find them! We've got to convince Harry to stay!" Sirius ran for the door.
"You always have been a bit slow on the uptake haven't you Padfoot." 'Severus' raised an eyebrow at him, "Now before you all get all panicky and worried about Madam Pomfrey and Professor Snape, you should know they're both fine. We've set them up with a plasma screen and a bucket of popcorn to watch what's currently unfolding in the Great Hall from the safety of the velveteen loveseat we also provided."
"H-Harry?" Sirius whispered, a slight tear forming in his eye.
"Oh, now he's pleased to see me, but if anyone even mentioned me a few months ago he turned into the spawn of Satan and spewed molten lava upon them." Harry flung his arms into the air and stomped in a small circle to show his exasperation.
"At least he cares now!" Daphne shot back as both morphed into their real bodies, "No one's even looking for me, or at least not on purpose they aren't. They wouldn't have even noticed I was missing if I wasn't with you." She laid her hand to her brow and collapsed onto one of the seats in front of Dumbledore's desk, "It's so difficult to have one's genius go unrecognised."
"Daffers?"
"Yes Harry?"
"If I get them to admit that you are an evil genius and future tyrant bent on world domination; will you stop acting like such a drama queen?"
"It was you who gave her that idea!" Sirius cried out as Daphne seemed to ponder the question.
"Can you get them to do that?" She looked at Harry who sighed and turned to face Remus with an imploring expression.
Remus just rolled his eyes.
"You are an evil genius and future tyrant bent on ruling the world." He stated flatly.
Daphne gave an ecstatic squeal and leapt into Harry's arms to kiss him senseless.
"Moony, don't encourage her, she'll influence the De Gette monster." Sirius whined.
"Padfoot, I am not risking pissing these two off. And don't worry; neither Miss Greengrass nor Miss De Gette's egos can grow any bigger."
"It's not an ego thing," Daphne sniffed before smiling blissfully, "It's our calling."
"What is this PMS?" Sirius stared in wonder at the suddenly serene Daphne.
"Trust me; you don't want to imagine what that's like in her case." Harry assured him with a grin and then a wince as Daphne stomped on his foot, "So Remus, I take it you've agreed to our conditions and are taking us up on our offer?"
Remus sighed.
"Yes Lord Potter. I think I can live with them. They were better then the alternative anyhow."
"Delighted to have you on board old boy," Harry clapped him on the back, "Enjoy the calm while it lasts. This will surely be one heck of a voyage."
"Moony?" Sirius looked at him in confusion and in return received a glare that very clearly said 'don't ask'.
"Don't worry your pretty head over it Padfoot," Daphne patted his cheek and gave a condescending smile; "You'll see what Remmy here agreed to soon enough. It'll be pretty hard to miss actually, but I'll let you discover all the details for yourself."
"Harry," Dumbledore looked at him warily, "What did you say about the Great Hall?"
"Oh yeah, that. We decided that the regular Hogwarts staff needed a bit of shaking up. You three plus Poppy and Severus are excluded for assorted reasons. For now though I will only tell you that this ruckus started about eight minutes ago and that Hermione should burst in any second to tell you all about it."
"Wha-"
"Headmaster!" Hermione practically screamed as she burst through the door. "They've gone wild! The girls have gone wild!"
"Oh hi there 'Mione!" Harry waved at her, "How'd you're appointment go?"
"We'll be leaving you all right about now." Daphne smiled, "But since I doubt you'll be able to deal with what's going on down there, I'll warn you now that my mood swings are nothing compared with what you'll find. Cheerio."
With that comment the two vanished, this time using the corny 'puff of smoke' method.
In all Minerva McGonagall's years of teaching; she had never seen anything like this, and she'd taught through the Marauder times.
There were all sorts of myths telling that when girls and women spend a lot of time near each other their cycles tend to link up, but this was a PMS epidemic. All the boys were huddled in fear on the teachers platform, some calling for their mothers, others saying final prayers. The only thing protecting them from the advancing hoards was a wall of all the first year, most of the second year, and some of the third year girls, who stood with eating utensils in hand, protecting the more cowardly sex. Well, all of them except Cassie who was currently staging a one-woman protest atop the Slytherin table over how it wasn't fair that the older girls had an excuse to throw temper tantrums but she got detention if she even considered chucking a wobbly.
The remainder of the female students couldn't seem to make up their minds about what they were doing. They alternated between screaming feministic death threats at the cowering men and teachers, bursting into tears on the spot, beginning cat fights with each other, moaning about their stomachs, and eating the large tubs of chocolate chip cookie dough ice-cream which the house elves were carting in by the gallon. No one was yet sure why Hermione had been spared, but it did give a strong hint that just maybe the tarnished trio were behind this.
Having passed through menopause many years ago, Minerva was a little unsure of how to proceed in this situation. She was just a little rusty on the details after all, but so far she and the other teachers had relied on their fallback technique of joining the boys, curling into balls, and patting themselves on the back. They all felt it was working rather well for them. At least it was until the first years got pissed off over the lack of effort their professors were displaying and stepped aside to let the girls have at them. It seemed to be all over for them until, finally, Hermione Granger pulled through once again.
She shoved open the main doors to the hall, drawing everyone's attention, and revealed an approaching Dumbledore.
Instantly the girls reformed, straightening their hair up, wiping the chocolate and tear stains off their faces, and looking at the behaviour of their teachers and classmates in mock confusion.
"What in Merlin's name is going on here?" Dumbledore started, forgoing the usual mystic, practically Yoda speeches he usually chose to make.
"We don't know sir." A fourth year girl smiled at him winsomely, "All the professors started acting really strange. Some of the boys went over to see if they were okay, but then they started acting the same. Anyway, you know how boys can get and one after the other they filed over to help their friends and soon they were all like this, the first years and second years as well. We've been standing back from the platform just in case. Do you think it's something in the air?"
Minerva looked at some of her most trust worthy students in shock as all the girls backed up this story. It was unbelievable, but yet she couldn't bring herself to say something to disprove it. Eventually a suspicious Dumbledore told all the girls to head back to the common rooms or outside while he sorted this mess out. The teachers, boys, and younger girls were all told to stay here until more tests were run.
Cassie was more then a little outraged by this but, like Minerva, she seemed unable to protest and resorted to muttering under her breath. Filius later said he was sure he caught something about "bloody teachers' pets", but could never have confirmed it in order to pass her a detention.
"The mail's here honey!" Molly called out to her husband, flicking through the small pile.
She tossed two bills, the paper, and one ministry letter toward him, keeping a letter from Charlie and the tabloid magazines for herself. Silence reigned supreme in the house, broken only by the crunching of toast and shuffling of paper. The couple had worked out their breakfast routine years before, but it was rare for the house to be empty enough for them to follow it. On automation Molly passed the honey across and took the offered public health and society pages Arthur had extracted from the Prophet for her.
"Stocks are up." Arthur muttered to himself as his wife delved into the juicy gossip.
"That's nice dear." She replied vaguely before choking on her coffee, "Arthur!" She shrieked at the top of her very ample lungs.
"Molly? What on earth is the matter?"
"Here," she shoved the paper back in his grasp and pulled out a small bottle of brandy. Unscrewing the lid and taking a long drink she indicated for him to read a certain passage. Worried by his wife's peculiar behaviour; Arthur turned his attention to the announcement.
Health Warning: Have contracted Syphilis.
V. Contagious! Blw list of cncrn'd names.
NOT COMPLETE! If listed/ shld b listed;
See Med.Wiz. or Dr. immdtly.
See pic. blw for ID.
Beneath the shockingly stark message was a list of over twenty names and a very revealing, moving picture of a smiling Ginny Weasley.
The usually unflappable Arthur Weasley fainted dead away in his seat.
Once his wife had revived him, he immediately called his work and informed them he would not be in today. Molly stormed around the kitchen smashing dishes and ranting about all the sadistic punishments she would delve out on her daughter. While she finished "tidying" the kitchen Arthur opened and read the ministry letter. Finishing it; he looked cautiously over at his wife who was hunting down the floo powder to take them both to Hogwarts.
Tucking the letter carefully under his stool cushion, he decided the news of this latest gnome fine could wait until the next day.
So… d'you likes it? Review and I promise I'll marry you. Well, perhaps I won't do that, but you may pretend you are married to me (only if you review).
The pairing poll is still running (see the names above). It will close at the exact moment that I post the final chapter of Replay. Remember, it is for a new, not yet existing, story, and is a vote for the person who will be paired with Harry. If you wish to suggest a pairing between other characters for any story then you can feel free to, but I may just ignore you.