This is it, the final section! Thanks for reading, everyone, and I'm glad you enjoyed it! I just wanted to warn you, there's bad Harry Potter fic mocking towards the end. I just couldn't help myself.

#74—X-tinguish

"You idiot! You're not supposed to light things on fire! Put it out now!"

While practicing her charms work in the common room, Narcissa succeeded in setting Lucius's robes on fire. Panicking, she extinguished them with an Aguamenti charm she had just mastered. She apologized incessantly but Lucius wasn't all that forgiving."

"Perhaps you should learn to master your wand in seclusion. That way you can't hurt anyone else but yourself."

Thoroughly embarrassed, Narcissa grabbed her things and ran to her dormitory. Lucius assessed the damage to his robes and repaired it with his wand, all while mumbling to himself.

#96—Socks

"Narcissa, where are my black socks? I can't find any of the pairs that I own. Are they in the wash?"

"Just wear the white ones. No one will see them."

"I can't very well wear white socks with a black outfit. How atrocious would that look?"

"You wear long trousers and robes. Honestly, who's going to see it?"

"It's bad enough to know that Weasley-esque fashion statement is there. Don't I have gray ones? Wait, did you burn all of my dark socks?"

"Of course not. I just think Dobby's been slacking. He has been acting quite strange lately."

#17—Cauldron

Lucius and his father walked along Diagon Alley, shopping for start of term. It was Lucius's first year so all standard purchases needed to be made.

As they were walking out of the cauldron shop, Lucius spotted his mother talking to another, older, couple. With them were an older girl, quite gaunt and dark for her age, and a younger girl around Lucius's age with similar platinum hair.

There was something about that family that just wasn't right. Lucius couldn't put his finger on it but they just didn't rub him the right way. Something was unnatural, perhaps even scary.

#46—Dungeon

"If Hogwarts' sole purpose was to be a school, then what was the original intention of the dungeons? Do you think they really threw kids down there?" Narcissa queried to her friends.

Lucius stood off to the side, half-heartedly listening but not at all caring. Suddenly he was bumped from his thoughts by Argus Filch.

"Those dungeons were used back when people knew how to punish insolent little children. Couldn't get away with throwing dungbombs in the corridors. I keep asking Dumbledore to just let me recommission the chains but he won't. Says the parents would object. Not even thumbscrews…"

#76—Zap

"Weasley! What is that?" Fudge yelled from across the lobby. Lucius looked in Arthur's direction with an amused expression.

"It's a bug zapper, Minister. Muggles use it to kill insects. Apparently it zaps and the bugs die."

"Quaint, Weasley. Tell me, are you going to add this in to your collection of plugs?" Lucius couldn't help but speak up. "You see, while the muggle world is inferior, there are more interesting things to salvage than mechanized Avada Kedavra zappers. Narcissa even finds it primitive."

"At least I have a legal hobby, Lucius."

"And does that include charming cars to fly?"

#98—Pajamas

"Lucius, wake up! You have to see this! Now!"

Lucius grumbled as he was yanked out of bed by Narcissa. Without letting him gather himself, she dragged him out the door. She thrust him out into the middle of the front garden, demanding that he look up. He grumbled, rubbed his eyes and looked towards the sky.

"What am I looking at?"

"It's a meteor shower! It looks like it's raining light! Isn't it gorgeous?"

"I'm standing outside, in my pajamas, bare footed, looking at star farts at three am. It would be gorgeous to smother you with a pillow."

#19—Wand

"You're going to have me do what? Wait a minute. That isn't like me at all. Who are you? Where's that Rowling woman? There's no way she'd have me shove my wand up Narcissa's nose in her sleep. Who is this?"

"Lucius, I think we've been hijacked by some crazed fanfiction writer."

"What in the bloody hell is fanfiction?"

"The muggles, you see, they take a pale comparison of us and make us do wildly out of character things. You should see what they do to Severus. And they have Draco paired with that mudblood."

"Those evil spawns of Satan."

#47—Portkey

"Lucius, don't!"

Lucius picked up a pile of parchment. "What is slash?"

"It's fanfiction that us canon characters refuse to speak of, written by Those-Who-Should-Be-Denied-A-Quill. You don't want to know."

"I don't? But you know what it is, Narcissa? How?"

"Please don't make me relive it."

"Wait, it says here that I touch the portkey and I get transported to a house where…OH MY GOD!!!"

"I told you not to read it. You never listen to me."

"Who's having my baby? How is that possible?"

"Honey, you're getting all shrieky. Just stop thinking about it. It'll only make it worse."

#77—Cheerful

"Cheer up, Lucius. It's best to just ignore it."

"It's hard to be cheerful when I know the horrible things…how can I ignore what some god-awful writer is doing to me? For the love of god, Narcissa, Sirius—"

"Please don't say it."

"I think I just gagged on my own tongue. Can't that Rowling woman do anything to stop this?"

"I'm afraid not. As long as people give her proper credit for us, they're not doing anything wrong. They're creating lives for us that aren't in the books."

"But I don't want —"

"Please stop. It's not really us."

#79—Author's Choice—Azkaban

"This is what I get for being the product of some muggle mother. I'm sitting here in Azkaban. And rightly so. But it can't stop there, can it? Nooooooooooo. Some stooge has a Death Eater braiding my hair, Narcissa bringing me cookies and Draco waltzing with Voldemort. Hello! Canon much? Obviously this schmuk has never had Narcissa's cooking and doesn't know that Draco has two left feet. Help me muggle lady. Rowling, is it? Rescue me from the suethors and slashers of fandom. As much as I'd enjoy watching Narcissa bob for piranha, no one deserves this. I'm begging you."

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