Konnichiwa minna! I loved all your reviews, and everyone seems to agree that the funniest part was when Neji broke the door down and started trying to kill Sasuke XD! And, as usual, I'm apologizing for not updating soon enough. My new year's resolution is a chapter every 2 weeks, with minimal exceptions.
Rubi: Yes, I LOVE Asterisk! I downloaded the full version and it rocks. About the e-mail thing, I would recommend changes addresses if it won't agree with you. (Personally, I find to be agreeable and straightforward.)
(This chapter is dedicated to Anko-sensei, Naruto-chan, Ino-chan, Gaara-chan, Sakura-chan, Kiba-chan and Shika-kun. Because of their kick-buttness!)
Chapter 7: Can you say Espresso Grande?
Someone up in heaven was laughing at Neji Hyuuga.
Or at least, that's what it seemed like to him.
He was awake now, and couldn't seem to remember how he got back to his house. All he did know was that Hiashi-sama probably wasn't happy with him.
Apparently, Hinata had volunteered to keep Neji company while he recovered from his cold. But someone had thrown out the medical supplies. Probably the same someone who had volunteered to keep him company while Hinata went to buy more.
Neji didn't really need to guess though. For Hanabi Hyuuga was sitting at the foot of his bed, grinning like a fox.
"Well well well, Ohayo Gozaimasu, nii-chan! Didn't think you'd wake up so soon!"
Neji scowled. He was really starting to hate being called 'chan'. He much preferred 'dono' but didn't dare say as much to Hiashi's daughter.
"What are you doing here, bozu?" he drawled. Now it was Hanabi's turn to scowl.
(Neji basically just called Hanabi an annoying little boy.)
"Pretty high and mighty for a guy who got his leg burned off. What the hell were you doing anyway? And why did you have a sleepover with a bunch of girls? You're not teaming up with ero-sannin, are you?"
Neji decided to kill Naruto next time he saw him, for corrupting a family member who he at least respected.
"No I'm not! Goddammit, what am I doing here?"
Hanabi shrugged. "How the hell am I supposed to know? I found you drooling by the front door."
Neji sighed. Tenten could be very frustrating sometimes. And with that rolling pin…
Suddenly, everything came back to Neji in a flash.
"Hiya. I'm Tenny. Who're you?"
"It only lasts 3 days and 3 nights. It'll wear off then, and the world will be back in order. Of course, you'll have to be her nanny, and make sure no one finds out so I don't lose my job."
"Of course I like it! It's the best gift I've ever gotten!"
"GET OUT AND DON'T COME BACK!"
The angel statue was covered in blood stains.
"It must have worked, because we never saw her again."
What he saw was Sasuke and Tenten…
NEINEI-CHAN! HELP ME!
Neji jumped up, and made a dash for the door, his feet slipping as the excess bandages on his leg got caught under his feet. However, when he got to the door and opened it, he found Hanabi standing outside. He swore.
Goddamn Shadow Clone Justsu... Uzumaki Naruto, you are dead!!!!
Hanabi clone #2 smiled. "You didn't honestly think I'd be that stupid, did you? I'm not supposed to let you leave this room. Hiashi's orders. I suggest you go take a nap or something, because you're not leaving until your leg heals." She grinned, another kitsune grin. "Maybe he'll let you have visitors though. Like that orphan girl who you seem to like training with so much-" She was cut off as Neji punched her in the face, but two more clones appeared in her place, pushing him back. He stood silent as the door slid closed, and then tried the windows, but Hanabi had those covered too. He growled, but couldn't think of anyway to get out without seriously damaging one of the 2 possible heirs to the Hyuuga clan. He flumped down onto his bed.
Goddamn it… why me… why me?
Because you're so fun to torment?
Oh, shut the fsck up.
Well, she can't keep that jutsu up forever, unlike Naruto. So we'll just have to wait it out.
What do you suggest we do in the meantime?
Well, there are always those untouched books on the shelf over there.
…
The Hyuuga clan often found themselves very bored, being so great and all, so they had started a sort of book club.
That's right. The Hyuuga Clan Book Club.
Neji had never really participated though. So the cycle of reading books and then switching them off with someone else, and the occasional book discussion, went on without him. Every once in a while, someone (usually Hinata, since she was the only one who could go into his room when he wasn't there and not incur his wrath) would pop in and put a book on his shelf of dusty, unread books and take another one to read. It had been so long since he'd even thought of the shelf, that he had a very diverse collection sitting less than 5 feet away from him. So, to kill time, he trudged to the shelf and scanned the books.
Romantic Manga, Comedy Manga, Action Manga, Yaoi Manga, Yuri Manga, Action Manga, Maho Shoujou, Fantasy Manga… Damn it, what is with all these manga! This isn't the otaku clan!
Well, most of the ones on this shelf are from Ai-chan.
Oh yeah… Ai-chan… god she scares me…
You said it. She has almost no Byakugan skills but…
She's one bad-ass spy.
She'd have to be, with looks like that. She's like Tsunade, Ino and Temari combined. And don't even get me started on those killing methods of hers…
That's her all right… the scariest ANBU alive.
Remember that crush you had on her before you met Tenten?
… If you ever mention that again I'll kill you.
Oooh, Neji's suicidal!
Goddamn it… wait a sec…
What?
I have an idea..
OOOOHHH! I LOVE IDEAS!
(At this point I feel it's fair to explain that when Neji's talking to himself, the other Neji is the funny, perverted, annoying Neji. That's why he argues with himself)
Neji sat on the bed for several minutes, formulating what he felt was a plan that benefited him in many ways. He could get out of the house without becoming a murderer of annoying children, make Hanabi happy enough to owe him some favors, and (hopefully) get some help piecing together these random flashbacks he kept having. He cautiously approached the window, where one of Hanabi's clones was watching him warily.
"Hey Hanabi?"
"Ung."
"You wanna go visit Ai-chan?"
Hanabi's ears seemed to perk up at this. "But she lives outside the compound, and isn't visiting today."
"I mean sneak out, baka."
Hanabi's eyes widened. "You know how to get out without a gate key? I don't have one, and yours was confiscated."
Neji smirked. "Don't be naive. Of course I know how to sneak out. But I'll only take you if you don't tell anyone, and let me go wherever I want once I'm done there. You can stay as long as you want though."
Hanabi thought this over. Unlike most kids her age, she wasn't stupid, but she was willing to compromise. However, the deal had to be one that benefited her, so you were lucky if you could get anything good on your end of the deal. However, Hyuuga Aiko was a commodity. It would take a lot of restraint for Hanabi to refuse.
Finally, there was a collective POP-ing sound, and all the clones vanished. Before even a second had passed, Hanabi appeared, jumping down from the roof. Neji made a mental note, to remember that that was a good hiding place. (Except when Kunoichi are looking for you.)
Hanabi slowly approached him. "Agreed. But I can't have you running off on me before you show me where Ai-chan lives." She grinned again, and pulled a leash and collar from her pocket. "Come on Ninu-chan- time for a walk!"
Neji couldn't think of anything smart to say that would get him out of that.
Please kami-sama… make sure no one has a camera…
Or magical painting ninjutsu skills…
Meanwhile…
Mitarashi Anko was at a loss.
She was walking to Konaha's restraint district, with a certain bun-haired 5 year old in tow. Shizune had visited the local second-hand shop, and picked up a new outfit for Tenny. It was a light green Chinese top and black mini-skort. She also had a new pair of ninja sandals, and white bandage wrappings went from her ankles to her knees. She also had kunai and shuriken holsters that, as far as everyone knew, were empty, and just for show. Her hair was tied securely in her usual two buns, and she was feeling extra tough since Tsunade had given her a plated black ninja glove that went up to her right elbow. She was wearing an unplated, wrist length glove with the fingers cut out on her right hand. She was feeling very tough in her new attire.
However, as cute as she was, she was packed with weapons.
No one else knew that Tenny had found the Hokage's armory. And Tenny certainly wasn't going to tell anyone that she'd borrowed a few things. She'd give them back when she was done. That of course being when they were pried from her cold dead hands. Once Tenny found something sharp, she wasn't willing to give it up.
Anko wasn't in such good spirits. She had been charged with taking care of Tenny, although she wasn't really a kid person. She liked sending kids into the Forest of Death, not taking them out to lunch. And to make matters worse, she had a lunch date scheduled with a certain silver haired ninja, and she had no intention on taking Tenny with her. So she was scanning the street frantically for someone to dump the unsuspecting little girl on.
"Come on, come on, anybody, come on, I don't care who! I'd hand her over to anybody but Jiraiya…" Anko muttered under her breath, dragging Tenny along by the wrist. Tenny didn't appreciate this, but decided not to waste precious metal on the lady with the funny tattoo on her neck. After all, only tough people had tattoos, and Tenny didn't want to start a fight she couldn't win.
Anko checked her watch again, and groaned when she realized that she only had 10 more minutes before she had to meet Kakashi. She glanced about frantically, and finally spotted someone.
"Ah, Ebisu-san! And Konahamaru-san!" She waved in their direction, and ran towards them. "Could you do me a favor?"
Ebisu froze, and tried to compose himself. He'd do anything for someone as beautiful as Mitarashi-san.
"Yes, what is it?" Ah yes, he felt the he was acting rather studly. And the ladies couldn't resist studs.
Anko smiled sweetly. "I was just wondering if you could keep an eye on Tenny here for me. It's just for a couple of hours, I promise!"
Ebisu found himself nodding despite the fact that he hated children of all shapes and sizes.
Anko grinned. "Great! I'll see you here at 4 then! Thanks again Ebisu-san!" And with that, she turned and ran the hell away.
Ebisu was left with Tenny inspecting him rather critically, and Konahamaru looking warily at her.
(For Naruto 2 readers, Konahamaru is not yet a genin. He is in his last year of the academy, making him about 11 or 12)
Tenny frowned at her substitute temporary caretaker. "You don't look very tough. Give me one good reason why I should listen to you."
Ebisu gave a strained smile. "Because Mitarashi-san said so, Kopanda-chan" He patted her on the head, and succeeded only in making her hate him thoroughly.
(Kopanda little panda. This is an obvious jibe on Tenten's hairstyle, although it would also apply to her name, which is rather panda-like, when you consider that most pandas have names made up of a short sound which is repeated, Like Meimei.)
Tenny growled slightly. "My name is Tenny, and I only listen to Neinei-chan!" She started to stomp away, but Ebisu grabbed her by the arm and pulled her back. "You have to come with us. Mitarashi-san asked me to watch you!"
Tenny didn't appreciate being manhandled. She whirled about, and drew a kunai, which she threw with impeccable aim at Ebisu's head. He ducked, but the kunai caught the top of his zukin, pulling it right off his head. There was a long silence as the 2 kids took in the startling revelation that was pinned to the wall behind Ebisu's head. Konahamaru was the first to speak up.
"EBISU'S BALD!"
The entire street froze, and everyone turned to stare. Laughter soon broke out in a group of passing ANBU, and a bunch of Jounin outside a café joined in. Soon, the entire street was filled with laughter, and Ebisu found himself wondering whether or not Anko would very much mind having Tenny returned to her in many very small pieces. He stepped forward, but Konahamaru knew his sensei well, and was one step ahead of him. He grabbed Tenny by the wrist and started to run away as fast as he could. Tenny still didn't appreciate being pulled around, but found that it didn't bother her as much when there was an angry Jounin chasing her.
Meanwhile…
Neji scratched at the leash around his neck as he knocked on the door of room 1326 of the Aki Yoh Apartment Complex in Konaha's residential district. He was a bit on edge since Naruto and Sasuke lived in this same building, and he had no desire to get into another fight, considering the fact that his leg was still healing. So he and Hanabi waited until the door opened, and someone peered out from between the door and the doorjamb.
"Who is it?"
Before answering, Neji tried to figure out exactly who he was talking to, but couldn't decide if it was Ai-chan doing an impression of a guy, or if she'd managed to seduce someone else into going out with her. After deciding that there really wasn't any way to tell, Neji answered, hoping that it wasn't someone he knew, like Kakashi or (heaven forbid) even Gai.
"Um… Neji and Hanabi."
The chain lock practically fell off the door as it flew open.
"YAY, VISITORS! Even better, two of my 3 favorite cousins!"
Standing in the door was a tall, busty blonde who was wearing so little makeup that it was hard to believe that anyone could born so… well… naturally prettier than everyone else. Neji knew that almost every self-respecting girl in Konaha (and even one from Suna) hated her for her looks, although Aiko ignored them. He also knew that almost every self-respecting man in Konaha had asked her out at least 3 times, although she'd only ever gone out with about half of them.
Aiko grabbed her two cousins and pulled them into her apartment, slamming the door shut behind her. As usual, Neji had to try very hard not to vomit when in her room, which was absolutely drowning in pink and black. In fact, everything in her apartment was either pink or black. It wasn't that Neji hated these colors, but they were used so extensively in this apartment, and were combined with so many heart and razor blade designs that he felt positively sick. Hanabi, however, loved it, possibly because she wasn't aware that Aiko had been kicked out of the Hyuuga compound because she had Bipolar disorder.
"Oh, WOW! Ai-chan, your house is so awesome! The seamless combination of Valentine's Day style décor and Emo Pop culture is positively divine! So much better than the Hyuuga compound!"
Aiko was flattered. "Why thank you. I pride myself on my decorating skills. So why the sudden visit? Hiashi having a hissy fit, feeling rebellious, need me to help you remember something, or girl trouble maybe?" Aiko seemed to be on the happy end of the bipolar scale today.
"Neji has girl trouble!" Hanabi seemed delighted to be spilling all of Neji's troubles into their cousin's lap while Neji struggled to remove the leash.
"Oooh, girl trouble huh? Well, we cant' have that from one of Konaha's most eligible bachelors now can we? What's wrong Neji, did Tenten get a boyfriend? It's not Lee is it?"
Neji almost choked on her knowledge of his team and her absolutely outrageous imagination.
"NO, TENTEN IS NOT GOING OUT WITH LEE."
"Well what is it then?"
Neji refused to answer his cousins' questioning stares.
Aiko pouted. "Well then, I guess… Konaha Secret Mind Hack Jutsu- Secret Waterfall!"
3 hand signs and a quick poke in the 3 throat chakra point later, Neji found himself no longer in control of his vocal faculties.
"I went to Tenten's house on her birthday because she was late for training and I thought she was mad at me but then she got turned into a five year old and I had to baby-sit her and all these girls came over and then Tenten came back and she was so happy because of my birthday present that she cried and hugged me and I was REALLY happy and then Tenny came back and I got mad and yelled at her and then she ran away and I found out about Tenten's family and stuff and then I found her at Sasuke's and he was on top of her and she hit me with a rolling pin because I tried to kill Sasuke and now I'm afraid that she likes Sasuke and I keep having weird flashbacks and I need to tell Tenten that I-"
Neji cut himself off by stabbing himself in the arm with a kunai, much to the surprise of Hanabi, who was drinking tea that Aiko had prepared during Neji's ramblings. Neji waited a few seconds before removing the kunai and letting Aiko heal the wound, to make sure that he didn't finish that last thought out loud.
"So… you need girl advice and you need a memory jutsu, hm? Well, I can take care of that…"
Meanwhile…
Konahamaru and Tenny had come to a stop in one of the empty training clearings, and Konahamaru was starting gain control of his laughter.
"THAT gasp WAS gasp THE gasp FUNNIEST gasp THING gasp I gasp EVER gasp SAW gasp IN gasp MY gasp ENTIRE LIFE!!!!"
Konahamaru sat down and started staring at Tenny again. Tenny decided that it was only polite to stare back.
And so they stared.
After about 5 minutes of nothing but breathing, blinking, and staring, Tenny was starting to get bored. So she did what she always did when she was bored.
She started talking.
"What's your name? How old are you? Who's that funny bald guy? Do you know where Neinei-chan is? Why are you staring at me?"
As Tenny stopped to take a breath, Konahamaru calmly responded without breaking her gaze.
"Why are you staring at me?"
Tenny thought about this. "Because you're staring at me."
Konahamaru seemed satisfied with this answer. "Well, alright then! My name's Konahamaru, and I'm 12 years old! That guy's my boring old sensei, I have no idea who Neinei-chan is, and I was staring at you because you seem familiar, but I can't remember who you are! Happy now?"
Tenny nodded vigorously and smiled, having at last found someone who could talk as fast as she.
Konahamaru sighed. "Alrighty then, let's go meet the gang. They should be in the lower end of the shopping district in our secret meeting place."
Tenny didn't move. "Why?"
"What?"
"Why do I have to come?"
"Because Ebisu's supposed to watch you, but we ditched him, but I was the one who pulled you away, so now I have to watch you, but I still want to play with my friends."
Tenny thought about it, and decided that there was no arguing with such good logic. So she got up and followed him.
Meanwhile…
Neji found himself inexplicably laying down on a velvet couch, answering an assortment of probing questions from his cousin while Hanabi took notes.
"Did you and Sasuke have a rivalry in the Academy?"
"… We were in separate classes."
"Do you affiliate or with Itachi or Akatsuki on a regular basis?"
"… No."
"What does Tenten's hairstyle make you think of?"
"... … … "
"Answer the question hon."
"… It makes me think of…"
"Yes? Go on!"
"…shfhthehth…"
"What was that? I didn't catch it?"
"I said It makes me think of fluffy little panda ears damn it!"
" Do you think Tenten would look cute dressed as a panda?"
"… Yes…"
" Which of Tenten's hairstyles do you prefer: buns or braids?"
"… I actually like it best when it's just hanging down…"
"Ooooooooooohh, sounds like we have a romantic dreamer here. So, which of Tenten's outfits do you like best: pink top and blue capris, or teal top and plum capris?"
" I think she looks best in red and white…"
"Ooooh, sounds like a holiday daydream. Hanabi, circle that one."
"Got it."
"Good. Now, for the big question: Do you think Tenten is in any way attracted to Gai?"
"… … …"
" Is that a maybe?"
"You've just scarred me for life, and if you ever suggest that again I'll-"
"Okay, that's a no. So, do you think Tenten is in any way attracted to Sasuke?"
"… … …"
"Hanabi, put that down as a maybe. So Neji, have you had any daydreams or fantasies about Tenten? Cute, romantic, kinky…?"
"… … …"
"Okay Hanabi, put that down as kinky-"
"NO DAMN IT! CUTE AND ROMANTIC!"
"Oooh, he admits it!"
"Quiet Hanabi. Now Neji, I think we've affirmed that you like Tenten. Am I correct?"
"… … …"
"Hyuuga Neji, answer the #$& question or else."
"… … …"
"Konaha Secret Mind-"
" Okay okay! Yes, Okay?
There was a long silence. Aiko and Hanabi jumped up cheering.
"YES! THAT'S 80000 YEN! WHOOHOO!"
" THAT'S 30000 FOR ME AND 3000 FOR HINATA! AND HINATA GETS 70000 MORE IF THEY GET MARRIED! AND I GET 10000 MORE IF SHE ENDS UP WITH LEE!"
Neji tried and failed to make sense of what he was hearing. "What?"
"The family has an entire betting ring based on you and Tenten. I bet that you love her, and so did Hinata and Hanabi. Hinata also bet that you'll get married, and Hanabi bet that Tenten loves Lee. There's millions of yen in this business kid! Betting on you two could make some of our relatives rich enough to buy their way into being Hokage!"
Neji could feel that perplexingly enjoyable anger coming over him again.
"Am I a relative or a poker chip?"
Aiko laughed. "Don't be silly! Do you want your girl advice or not?"
Neji gave a strained nod.
Aiko took a deep breath and cleared her throat. "Well then, I have only one piece of advice for you…"
Neji and Hanabi leaned foreward in suspense.
" You should…"
The suspense was terrible… and then…
Aiko whipped a rolling pin out off the counter and started beating Neji with it.
"YOU BLOCKHEAD! WHAT DO YOU THINK I AM, A LEMONADE STAND! I SELL REAL ADVICE TO PEOPLE WITH REAL PROBLEMS! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING HERE! GO TELL HER HOW YOU FEEL RIGHT NOW BEFORE SASUKE BEATS YOU TO IT! WHY ARE MEN SO STUPID! WHY IS THIS SO COMPLICATED! GO NOW AND TELL HER YOU LOVE HER YOU MORON OR ELSE YOU REALLY WILL LOSE HER!"
Aiko stopped, and panted as she pointed to the door and reached for her Prozac. "Now get out before I give you a lesson in ultimate pain you fool."
Neji dashed towards the door, until Aiko called him back.
"Ah, I almost forgot. This should bring back those memories of yours." She tossed a shiny blue pill at him, which he immediately took dry. "Thanks." He turned to leave again-
And promptly passed out.
Aiko blushed. "Oops, I forgot about the side affects…"
Meanwhile…
"Hiya guys! I'm here! And I brought a new trainee!"
Tenny blinked bemusedly at where she had ended up. Konahamaru-kun had brought her to the alleyway where she and Neinei-chan had talked to the funny guys in green. He was banging his fist on the dumpster in the back. While he waited for a response, she climbed on top of some boxes and pulled the shuriken she'd thrown earlier out of the wall. Suddenly, the dumpster flew open, and bursting forth from it were 2 more 12 year olds, one boy and one girl. They didn't seem to notice Tenny, but rather, started berating Konahamaru for being late to their secret meeting. It wasn't until Tenny jumped down off the pile of boxes that the Moegi and Udon noticed her. They looked at her strangely, and then glanced at Konahamaru.
"Um… Kona-kun?"
"Yeah, what's wrong Moe-chan?"
Udon cleared his throat, very matter-o-factly. "Well, we're kind of wondering what a little girl is doing in our secret meeting place."
Konahamaru shrugged. "She helped me get away from Ebisu-sensei, although now he's trying to kill us… because Tenny pulled off his zukin and he's BALD!"
Tenny waited for the uproarious laughter to die down before speaking.
"Can I play with you guys until Neinei-chan comes to pick me up? Can I? Please, Moe-senpai? Udon-senpai? Kona-senpai? Please?"
The 3 were silent for a moment, surprised by Tenny's ability to pull adorableness, peoples' names, and cute begging sequences involving summoning up a sunset behind herself to enhance the cuteness seemingly out of thin air.
Moegi cleared her throat. "Well, we have a super-secret mission to perform today, so I guess we could use some extra hands. But if you're gonna be our kohai, you'll have to be initiated! Udon, lead the way."
Udon adjusted his glasses and sniffled. "Alright everyone, let's go find Naruto-senpai."
24 Minutes Later…
"No way." Slurp.
"C'mon boss! It'll only take 2 minutes!"
"And why should I go out of my way and waste precious ramen time to go to Starbucks for you?" Slurp.
Konahamaru waved a 1000 yen note in front of Naruto. "We'll cover the cost, boss! We'll even buy you another bowl of ramen!"
Naruto froze, grabbed the yen out of Konahamaru's hand, and dashed to the Starbucks across the street. He reemerged 1.5 minutes later, handed Konahamaru the cup, took the proffered yen from Moegi's hand, and sat down again.
"There, I did it, happy now? Ayame, another bowl of pork ramen please!"
Konahamaru handed Tenny the cup, which had the words Espresso Grande written on the lid. "To be initiated, all you have to do is drink this whole thing. Right now." He led Tenny to a nearby bench, and Udon pulled out a stopwatch. Moegi raised her hand, holding it like she had a pistol in it.
"Ready… set… BANG GO!"
Tenny began chugging the coffee as fast as she possibly could. When she was finished, she threw the cup at Udon, who stopped the watch.
"47 Seconds, A NEW RECORD! You're in Tenny-chan." Tenny positively glowed as Konahamaru handed her a pair of green goggles, which she proudly donned. She opened her mouth to say something, but stopped. A curious expression crossed her face.
The 3 kids watched in amusement as the caffeine rushed straight to her brain, and she started vibrating.
(According to my research for Health class, Espresso Grande is the most caffeinated drink in the USA. Please do not give this drink to any small children while babysitting.)
Moegi sidled over to Tenny. "So, are you ready to help us with our mission Tenny-chan?"
Tenny's eyes were huge as she nodded spastically.
Konahamaru smiled. "Good. Now, let Operation Rooftop Raid BEGIN!" He led the group into a nearby alley and pulled a scroll out of his pocket. "Ok Tenny, here's the plan. We start out on the roof to Hokage tower…"
Hm, I was planning to have this chapter go a little differently, but it sort of went off on it's own…
Next Time: Neji's little nap unveils the secrets of Neinei and Tenny! How they met, why Tenny seems so out of touch with the Tenny in the flashbacks, and what really happened the night Ryuji returned to Konaha! And as Konahamaru and his squad begin their raid on the Hokage tower, Kurenai gets a little more action then she planned on having during her day off… plus, the crap hits the fan when Tenny finds out something she really didn't want to know- When the sun goes down, it's all over, so stay tuned!
Chapter 8: Race to the Horizon-Make it or Break it!