The Terrible Tale Of Akatsuki and the effects of Christmas excess...X-mas day!
This is a fairly long chapter beware lots of yaoi and drug abuse...don't read on if u don't want to know
Konan crawled to her knees. She had the most massive headache and her neck was caning like hell. There was something white and powdery on her fingers and lingering on her nose. Ah, it was the shit from Pein's stash! And there he was laying spread eagled on the bare floor across from her. His eyes were barely open but he was conscious...just. Nothing remained in her memory, not a single thread of the details that had come to pass. Anything could have happened, anything...
Surreptitiously she checked under her cloak, phew still got the underwear. That would have been embarrassing doing it in front of the others. She fumbled in her pockets for a fag but couldn't find a lighter,
"Here lemme help you with that" The dark haired Uchiha leaned over and cast a teeny weensy fire ball jutsu to light her up.
"jee thanks" she offered as a thank you, and brushed the white powder away before he could notice. It was already far too late.
"It's a special day after all" he continued, "merry Christmas!"
At that moment Deidara stumbled into the room. He smelled sour and the tongues on his hands were lolling out. "I've been up all night puking, un" he complained and flopped down into a free squashy chair. Absent mindedly he dipped his hand into an open bag of crisps and the sound of munching came from within.
"Just stop eating you tard and you'll be fine!" said a voice from right across the room. The three ninjas looked past the sleeping Kisame, semi-conscious leader, morbidly depressed Orochimaru and a chemically stunned Sasori. They didn't even bother looking at what Zetsu was doing. Somewhere from underneath the inebriated Kakuzu came the voice.
"...I mean seriously what's wrong with you, you can't eat all the food in the house" Hidan added
"Actually..." Deidara looked shifty.
"No way!" Kisame looked up from feigning sleep. He gave Itachi the kind of glare that says I-was waiting-for you-to-kiss-me-good-morning. "There's no way you've eaten the lot!"
Without warning a horrible ringing noise filled the small and chaotic room. A series of groans followed as everyone woke up. For the most part the groans were out of annoyance except for Hidan whose groan was one of deep rooted pleasure as Kakuzu slowly withdrew the knife from him. Yet more blood spilled forth onto the sofa and the floor. Hidan was lying sideways across the sofa so his blooded splashed enticingly onto kakuzu's trousers too.
"Stop the fucking blood, man! Do you want me to bleed out before I've opened my presents?"
"Not a problem!" said Tobi bouncing around the mountains of shredded wrapping paper. He found the detestable alarm clock and smashed it to smithereens. "Tobi already opened all the presents, Hidan-san can bleed as much as he likes. Tobi is a good boy!?"
"Oh in that case..." said the silver haired nin as he laid back on the sofa, open to Kakuzu's attack. Before his head hit the cushions a pike was forced through his ribs breaking at least two of them.
He gasped. "Kuzu...right there – right fucking there" he squirmed, threw back his head and groaned. His pale hands groped for a purchase on the pole already slippery with crimson. He clutched at it and attempted to ram it deeper but Kakuzu was already one step ahead. With an adept flick of his left hand, the stitch man had both of his partners hands nailed to the arm of the chair with a kunai. Seizing the pole it the top he put all of his weight into it and pushed it right through until he heard the sound of springs breaking beneath Hidan's tormented body. The Jashinist screamed aloud and dug his nails into the ruined sofa. A look of smugness passed over Kakuzu's face, only he could enjoy doing this and only Hidan could enjoy having it done to him.
Pein, sensing his reputation as resident Akatsuki masochist was under threat, lurched about until he was in what passed for a sitting position. He snapped wide awake however when he realized his precious little bag had disappeared. "What the hell is happening in here and who's nicked my stuff?"
Every face was turned to the sick pair enjoying a stranger kind of pleasure, Pein turned to watch in horror as Kakuzu leaned in to French kiss Hidan's blood-filled mouth. He looked away in disgust; he could not compete with this level of...of...
Before he was completely lost to his thoughts he caught sight of the effects of last nights excessive drinking, shagging, snorting and other unmentionables and sighed. What was Zetsu doing in the house and why was Orochimaru wearing his gold-plated Santa hat?
"Hey you guys!" yelled Kisame from underneath a pile of half opened presents. Only the things that Deidara and Zetsu both couldn't eat remained intact. "I erm think we've got an x-box 360"
Suddenly silence reigned. No one said a word, just stared in awe at the box high on the pile of wrapping paper, the very word 'x box' was hallowed. The only sound was a steady drip drip of blood from the corner but even Hidan had paused to look across at the shiny white box. Then to an outsider the room seemed to explode, it was in fact 12 S-ranked criminals desperately trying to be the first one to touch it.
"but we should play my dance game first un!" Deidara complained
"No sorry it's halo 3 until New Year's Day for me" said Sasori coming round from his solvent induced stupor.
"No way what about singstar?" asked Konan but she was drowned out by the masochistic couple on the devastated sofa screaming:
"Call of Duty 4!!!!!"
"What about that one where the guy goes crazy and kills everyone except a certain someone..." mused Itachi and everyone turned to stare awkwardly at him,
"Itachi-san I don't think that's a game we have!" said Tobi feeling frightened
"What if it's not a game at all" Itachi raised his voice and went Mangekyu Sharingan on them. Unfortunately the only one dumb enough to be looking deep into his beautiful round eyes was Kisame. He was sucked into the dimensional space to spend a virtual 72 hours with Itachi. No one really knew what went on except those two.
Inside the Sharingan
Kisame opened his eyes, the sky was red, the ground was red. It was neither hot nor cold here, there was no weather. There was no horizon, just a flat bare and barren landscape. Above him towered a giant cross with weapons stuck in it. He realized he was inside the virtual dimension Itachi used for torture. He grinned realizing they would be misusing it. A voice to his left...
"Interesting, I never intended to catch you with that, though I certainly can't be letting you go"
Kisame moved onto his hands and knees then attempted to get to his feet but a sudden invisible force slammed him down.
"Not in MY dimension!" said the Uchiha appearing from behind the giant cross. "Stay in that position!"
"Oh HELL no!" shivered Kisame, "you're the uke partner NOT me!" He struggled but the other ninjas invisible force held him fast.
Itachi stepped out of his cloak gracefully and let it slide to the red dusty ground. He walked casually up to Kisame and pulled him into a light kiss, "today is your turn..." he whispered.
Without hesitation he slipped the cloak from the other missing nin's back, revealing pale blue skin and gills. Itachi shuddered in anticipation, he liked gills almost as much as he liked...
Shaking his head and finally showing some emotion in the form of a grin he undid his own and Kisames trousers. Now the rest was simple. His partner was tense and slightly frightened but he erased any doubt by massaging the other mans shoulders lovingly. "This is all I need for Christmas" he murmured truthful. He then ruined the romance by rapidly inserting a lubed finger into Kisame's entrance, producing a gasp and a grimace from the older man.
"ItaItachi!" gasped Kisame breathlessly
"Itachi-san" demanded the Uchiha making one finger become two, his grin faded into a confident frown as he knew he was in charge. His left hand moved round to Kisame'sjewels where began to stroke and fondle what was becoming harder every passing moment. The two fingers moved in unison in and out, building up an intense feeling deep within the shark man until he thought he would burst.
He clenched his teeth and squeezed his eyes shut, but suddenly the fingers were removed, leaving an empty cold space inside him which he ached to be filled again. He glanced around at the Uchiha and was rewarded with a back breaking slam which whipped his head round again. He knew now Itachi was fully inside him. He let rip a scream that would have made Hidan look like a pussy, he arched his back against the incredible pain. He wished it would go away. Itachi continued to move in a compelling rhythm, different to how it was normally done. Both his hands were now on his partners muscled shoulders, adding power to their love make.
"Aren't you scared?" he groaned huskily
"Scared of what?" The sharingan master replied
"Of...of ripping...me!"
In answer Itachi removed himself gradually from his sex partner, Kisame thought it was all over and began to relax. After a pause and a shuddering breath filled with passion, Itachi unexpectedly re-entered with superhuman speed. Kisame cried out.
"Mary mother of god!!" his hands shot out to brace himself against the powerful thrusts and his nails bit into the floor. He'd never experienced anything like this before and wasn't sure if he ever wanted to again. He couldn't hold it any longer and came onto the red sand. He felt Itachi do the same inside him and he sighed.
Long after it was all over, Kisame still couldn't really sit or stand. It was lucky they still had about 70 hours to kick their heels if they wished. This whole thing would have only taken about 2 minutes of real time. Fantastic! He lay back next to his friend and rested his head on his chest.
"Where did you learn how to do that?" asked Kisame hesitantly
"Had a younger brother didn't I" Itachi replied in an offhand manner
"You did...that – with your own brother?" stuttered the other man in disbelief, an expression of horror on his face.
"Sure he never complained." He missed the appalled expression that was being directed at him. "Where'd you learn then?"
"Practised on you didn't I!" replied Kisame
Itachi broke the jutsu. Both men plummeted back to reality with wide grins plastered onto their guilty faces.
"Welcome back, you two. You zoned out for a few minutes there" muttered Pein who was now holding the sacred x box, "sharingan...hmmm" he wondered if he could do the same with his rinnegan eyes. They had no other real use.
"Sod you and your x box!" said Konan, "someone's gotta get this turkey cooked, and seeing as its the one thing in this house Deidara HASN'T eaten I think it should be cooked quick!"
"I was hungry, un"
"No you bloody weren't! You're just a fat ass pig" shouted Hidan
"Deidara stop eating, Konan cook the turkey, Hidan and Orochimaru fix those outside fairy lights they're giving me a migraine"
"No, that would be the shit you sniffed up your nose genius" said Kakuzu
"Yeah? You can't talk; you alchy you drank all the damn Jack Daniels!" Sasori shouted at the stitch man– though he was not normally one to argue.
"Oh look who's talking! You meths-sniffing sex doll!" shouted Hidan, defending his partner
"Leave danna alone! Un" Deidara said as Sasori began to cry
"Sempai your ass is fat!" squealed Tobi laughing inside his mask
Orochimaru beat Tobi over the head for no apparent reason. "Always wanted to do that" he shrugged and laughed.
"Whose side are you on? Snake face" Konan bitched, but was secretly glad he was smiling at last.
The little argument screeched to a halt however when Zetsu lurched into the wall, a suspiciously empty little bag stuck in his flytrap.
"My good shit!" Pein wailed, plucking the sad little bag off the plant. It was completely devoid of good shit and his eyes flashed with anger. "I'll throttle you stupid vegetable!"
"I..whatow my head...o0o Lady Willow...hello hello" His personalities seemed to have gotten confused and he swayed, dazed as Pein attempted to kick him in the crown jewels.
Kisame was overtaken by laughter and he rolled upon the floor. Itachi wasn't much better off with a ribbon tied in his hair and wrapping paper tangled round his legs.
"You know, it's a seriously difficult choice but i'll take the x-mas lights over a tripping plant any day" sighed Hidan as he got up and made for the door. "You comin' 'rochy?"
Orochimaru grabbed the spare bulbs and a cloak and followed the priest out, watching the blood ooze slowly out of the stab wounds in his chest and side. Disturbing...Hidan lifted the ladder and put it against the side of the dilapidated looking house. No one else in the street had bothered with decorations, mainly because everyone else in the street was either a hardened criminal, an illegal immigrant, drug lord, pimp or running from the law. However the Akatsuki house stood proud with its collection of golden reindeer lights, 17 flashing Santa stop here signs, an unbroken chain of fairy lights running round the guttering, and a giant inflatable Santa on the roof. It tried to look Jolly but in fact gave the whole thing an indescribable feeling of lingering evil. Perhaps that was why nothing had been stolen.
"'Rochy can you just hold the bottom of the ladder i'm going to fix this bitch!" said Hidan determinedly and ascended the ladder to the row of annoying flickering lights. "You've made your bed now fucking sleep in it!" he muttered to the offending lights when they continued to flicker and burn his fingers. He unscrewed them and tried to screw new ones on.
"Hidan, wait I think you need to switch-"
"Shut the fuck up, you live in a cave what do you know about fairy lights!" said Hidan angrily
A lightning bright flash and all the power in the street short circuited itself. Every other light went out except the one in the Jashinists hands.
"Mother FUCK-" He began,
An electric pulse burst out of the satanic bulb display. It flashed through the wires melting them and 1400 volts of wild untamed current shot up the priests arm and through his body. His eyes rolled and his hair stood up on end. "GaAhH!" he screamed as more power shot out of the mean little bulb and into him.
Kakuzu, hearing his screams, darted past the drugged plant man who was now engaged in a game of blind mans buff, out of the house and caught Hidan as he fell shaking from the roof. The nippy current passed instantly into him, taking out a heart and killing a demon. "Nooooo!" He mourned and both fell to the snow. The snow around them hissed.
Kakuzu came round first after Orochimaru dumped yet more snow in his face.
"Ah thank god you're not dead!" he laughed.
"Thank Jashin I don't rip your balls off and feed them to yo mama!" growled Hidan shifting his aching body.
"Oh..he's alive too" commented Orochimaru his face falling
"You saved my ass again Kuzu, I'm grateful"
"Oh but there's a price!" Kakuzu replied, reaching towards the other man.
"Not outside guys please? You're making a scene!" whined Leader rushing out into the snowy garden with everyone else trailing behind. However the two immortals were not listening.
"I expect you to pay the price...You know how I hate expense" murmured Kakuzu, licking along Hidan's bottom lip. Hidan arched his back and raised his hips, grinding into Kakuzu from below and encouraging the other man to slip his fingers inside the wounds made earlier. The stitching holding the stab wounds closed came undone and Kakuzu ripped the rest right out. His lips traced the line of Hidan's collar bone and Hidan arched his back even further until it ached as much as his groin. Blood covered Kakuzu's hands and he dipped his hips to grind further onto his partner. The friction was building and a low moan escaped the silver haired mans mouth, the snow turned red, his eyes were squeezed shut.
Kakuzu reached towards Hidan's exposed chest and smeared blood over his stricken nipples.
"OK! Enough already!" Sasori pushed forwards and shoved Kakuzu into a puddle. "Get a room!"
Pein looked around guiltily and removed his hand from his pants before anyone noticed. Was it wrong that he was getting off on this? He attempted to conceal his hard-on with his cloak but not before Konan had seen and raised her eyebrows at him. He glared, she smirked.
"Who wants to play charades, un!" exclaimed Deidara breaking the awkward half silence. Immediately Tobi jumped at the chance to make a fool of himself and dragged Orochimaru in too to 'jolly him up'. Sasori couldn't creep off in time so he was forced to join in the ridiculous miming game. Nobody really dared ask Itachi – he was too far gone to be included in the x mas spirit, but surprisingly he volunteered.
"Don't leave me out" he said coldly as the foolish four made their way back inside the house, so quietly he joined them in the sitting room and the game began.
Zetsu barged past them and staggered out into the snow, bewildered and cross eyed and with the blindfold around his neck, "whassa matter?" he giggled and toppled sideways.
"He really hasn't taken well to that stuff has he?" commented Konan.
"Good luck I have more, greedy pot plant ate the lot!" said Pein jealously, turning back inside. Konan followed him upstairs to the stash's secret hiding place underneath a floorboard in the attic. The attic was just above Kakuzu and Hidan's room and they heard the other two come upstairs. Hidan was running.
"Leave me alone you fruitcake!" he wailed and pounded up the corridor.
"I don't understand you!!" Kakuzu shouted back and the floorboards shook with the force of Hidan slamming his bedroom door, hard.
Pein and Konan waited in silence with their heads pressed against the floor, they needed to listen in to what was fast becoming the greatest Akatsuki scandal since Orochimaru tried to steal Itachi's body. The sounds of Hidan's quiet sobbing floated gloomily up through the thin floor.
Konan found a tiny knothole in the wood and peered through to the corridor below. She saw Kakuzu waiting outside the room, he was sitting on the floor leaning against the bedroom door. He was breathing heavily from running after the priest. He looked miserable.
Pein came to have a look as well and together they spied.
"Hidan come out" Kakuzu asked gently trying to peer through the keyhole
"C...can't" came the strangled voice from within.
"It doesn't matter what people think of us" Kakuzu continued, and a tear slid from Konan's eye – these two were so cute when no one else was around. The stitch man got up and put an oddly coloured hand on the doorknob, "come open this door or I'm coming in anyway"
"No..really-I can't" Hidan pleaded, so Kakuzu pushed open the door and went in.
Pein sighed, he couldn't see anything now, all he could do was listen. He crept about until, what luck, there was a crack in the warped wood and he could peer through into the gloom. Hell! No wonder Hidan couldn't open the bloody door, he was slouched against the wall stabbed through with whatever weapons he could find. The blood was oozing around him and mixing with tears that were pouring off his pretty face. Pein leaned in for a closer look and Konan glared at him, "give them some privacy" she hissed. The leader waved at her to shut up.
Down in the darkened bedroom, Kakuzu looked down on what his partner had done. One question formed in his mind, "Why?" he asked.
Hidan had no time to answer since he promptly passed out from blood loss. Kakuzu sighed and knelt down next to the broken zealot, carefully he pulled the weapons free. A sword, about 3 kunai, two shuriken, Hidan's own pike and to Kakuzu's horror the scythe was embedded in his side as well. Added to the mutilations from earlier, it wasn't surprising that he wasn't conscious.
While the game went on downstairs, Pein and Konan continued filling their pockets with good shit and spying, Zetsu and Kisame built a horrible rendition of tsunade in snow. It was very crude and had them both cackling for hours, Kakuzu lifted his limp friend out of the blood pool and cleaned and bandaged the wounds his partner had inflicted on himself. All the while thinking that here was a much screwed up dude.
At around about 8pm on x mas evening everyone met again in the lounge. The mistletoe was looking decrepit after everyone had attempted to blow it up, kill it, poison it or eat it. A spell had been put on it so no one could actually remove it until the New Year. Many inappropriate kisses had been exchanged under it. Someone had to actually kiss Zestu, the white side and the black side. Much to her distaste, Konan had still not managed to catch Itachi under it.
"o0o Ken!" came a high pitched voice from the middle of the room
"Oh Barbie!" came the reply.
It appeared the charades had turned into a lengthy game of Barbie and ken. Sasori was in his element and Tobi was hyper with happiness. Orochimaru was having trouble trying to fix up the Barbie caravan but Deidara had got hold of an action man. Itachi sat glazy eyed looking at all the different fashions and outfits this Barbie woman had at her fingertips. He tried them all on her one by one with appreciation written all over his face.
The plot of the game seemed to be that Barbie was having an affair with action man, whilst going to a whole host of balls and proms so that she could wear all the fantastic dresses Itachi had lined up for her.
Kisame and Zetsu sat soaking wet and shivering in the corner. Every now and then one of them would open the curtains and look at their pornographic sculpture and snigger.
Pein and Konan entered the room and no one really looked up. Their hair was a mess and Pein had lipstick on his face. Both their pupils were massive and once again a suspicious little bag stuck out of Pein's pocket. The secret stash had not let them down.
Last to arrive was Kakuzu, he was staggering and had a bottle clutched in his hand. In the other hand he was holding Hidan by the scruff of his cloak and dragging him along. Surprisingly no blood trail was left behind him as he lurched to a spare sofa. The other sofa had been burned up yesterday because it was a disgrace.
Together they stayed in the lounge, Kakuzu getting drunker and drunker until he too passed out. Pein and Konan stayed together on the loveseat sniffing up the white stuff up until the point they fell into a coma. The Barbie game continued until well past midnight but by that time Sasori had snuck off into the corner to inhale puppet glue fumes, he wasn't conscious any more either. Zetsu needed time to photosynthesize so he just sat under the artificial sunlight lamp way into the night. Kisame and Itachi fell asleep in each others arms, the very picture of love against all the odds. So then it was just Tobi clutching action man and Deidara making his Barbie dance a drunken waltz around the tree.
"Tobi look after Barbie-chan for a sec I'm going...uh...I'm going to-"
"Deidara-sempai is going to raid the fridge!" Tobi shouted and the sleeping criminals stirred
"Sssshhh! Basketball head, you'll wake them all up!" Deidara hissed as he walked out and went to see if there was even a scrap of food or solitary cookie he hadn't eaten. The hand-mouths were demanding more snacks despite the rock nin feeling sick.
The clock said it was getting on for one o clock, and Christmas was now officially over.