The road trip

Not long after Hidan's screams had ripped through the house, the akatsuki were packing up. A big red van was parked outside on the rain drenched street with Pein hunched over the wheel revving and grinning. Everyone was running to and fro carrying boxes, bottles and of course weapons.

"No weapons at the party!" Konan nagged for the hundredth time, but no one was listening. Deidara sneaked out with clay in his bag and pockets, Kisame had trouble hiding Samehada – he was planning to smuggle it out the same way Hidan smuggled out his scythe. But since the priest was no where to be seen he had to fend for himself. A bag jingled merrily by, no doubt stuffed full of kunai and shuriken. The back of the van was getting full already, and it had to fit 8 of them still. Obviously since Leader was driving, his bitch got the passenger seat. Kisame hoped Kakuzu had some Jack Daniels left. It was going to be a long and tedious drive.

The click of a lock signalled that everyone had assembled outside with everything they needed for the trip. Quickly the shark man grabbed a decent place in the dark shadowy corner of the van, hopefully he could visit the sharingan world again later. Everyone else piled in and the engine started up. If they got caught by cops they'd have to fight their way out because no one here had ever passed a driving test or taken a lesson. Hell, Tobi couldn't even read!

He did a head count. Two in the front and 6 in the back, which left two, missing. He looked around, next to him was the Uchiha and opposite him was Deidara who looked slightly ill already. On Deidara's left sat Sasori slumped against the wall and on his right was Tobi with a Barbie in his hand. Zetsu was near the double metal doors so that a bit of light shone on his leaves. Oh how predictable, it was everyone's favourite couple who were late.

The back doors swung open for the last time and a three bladed scythe appeared. Then a bandaged hand. Hidan was pushed headfirst into the back of the van then Kakuzu climbed in after. He slammed the doors shut and sat down, leaving his partner face down in the dust in the centre. Everyone stared at him.

Through the near darkness, three sharingan eyes glowed. The missing nin that owned only one spoke up,

"Deidara-sempai! Hidan san isn't wearing any clothes" a smothered giggle followed.

"Shh, yes he is! He's got his boxers on and that's fine by me"

"Shut the fuck up! Kakuzu the hell I'm not wearing clothes! Where's my cloak? Oh you wiener, I can't even move"

"Broken neck" the ninja with the green eyes waved casually at the body on the floor. "Broken back too I shouldn't wonder!"

"Fuck you!"

The engine started up and they zoomed off. Everyone lurched into everyone else as Pein got the hang of the gears. Thankfully they joined the motorway soon and the pot holes in the road were no longer a problem.

Three hours into the drive and everyone had resorted back to his/ her evils. It was just too much to ask for the criminals to spend time together in a cramped space like the van. There was no more sitting neatly along the walls. Mostly everyone was stretched out on the floor in various states of consciousness. Every time the van hit a bump heads banged together and ninjas moaned. Deidara was a ticking time bomb; he could puke at any second. Mostly names and faces were lost to the darkness and the drunken stupor of most of the inhabitants of the van. It was just:

'hey you on my leg' or 'you in the corner pass the beer' or 'masky guy pass bottle!'

A steady trickle of fumes was finding their way in from the smoke clouded cabin up front. How Pein could drive no one knew. Konan was in no fit state to read a map. They were doing at least 80mph on the motorway to reach the Sound in time for new years. The smoke had a weird effect on everyone, and soon as they were on the Konoha bypass, a game of I Never had begun.

"I...never...had sex with a prostitute –un!" said Deidara as he crammed some chips into his mouth. Everyone who had had sex with a prostitute now had to drink. That was mostly everyone with the exceptions of Zetsu and Hidan.

"You never had sex with a ho?" asked Sasori quietly

"This isn't 21 motherfucking questions is it, genius?" snapped Hidan and fell silent

The game moved on. Zetsu was next.

"I've never...strung out a fight because I enjoy watching people suffer" a pointed glare in the immortals direction followed. Of course they had to be honest, and drink –lots.

"Cheers!" laughed Kakuzu giddily and downed the rest. The empty bottle now passed to Itachi.

"I wonder if there's anything he's never done!" Tobi said fearfully, glancing over at the pair of glowing red eyes in Kisame's corner.

Itachi took a deep breath. "I've never..." he began then sniffed. It sounded like he was crying. "I've never...had a birthday party" he hung his head and sobbed into Kisame's cloaked shoulder. "It's not fair, it was always about Sasuke-kun! Always" he banged his fists on the metal floor of the van as the alcohol took effect.

No one knew what to say. The van lurched and went over a bridge of some sort, or maybe it was a pedestrian. Everyone was thrown around. A body hit the roof and what little light could get in was extinguished. Bedlam followed. The van continued to dip and swerve as Pein displayed his dirty driving skills. There were bewildered ninjas everywhere. Deidara clung tightly to the bar around the side remembering the jagged metal sticking out from the roof. A body hit the roof again and something hot and wet splashed the rock nin's face.

"Fuck yeah!" this drive is better than I thought, "is that you Kakuzu?" a wet snogging noise followed.

"No I am not Kakuzu"

"...!" Hidan's voice said in disgust. "Oh my fucking mother I snogged a plant!"

"mmm Itachi get off my lap!" a sharky voice called out

"erm Kisame-san? Leave my cloak on!" poor Tobi was caught in a compromising situation.

Kisame threw him off in disgust, and hunched closer to the wall.

An x-rated kissing session had started near the doors. Tentacles curled through the heated air, twisting and turning with passion. They punctured holes in the thin metal of the van. The light shone through and illuminated blonde hair instead of silver.

"Sasori-danna you're so vicious! Take it easy on me- hm!" Deidara's eyes were closed so thankfully he didn't see that it wasn't his beloved puppet hanging on his lips. Sasori was in fact in the far corner watching with a look of mourning on his face, "Dei-chan...no" he moaned and cried.

In the half light the criminals just had time to duck as a three bladed scythe swung clumsily through the air, raking holes in the sides of the lumbering van. It was aimed at Deidara's neck. Luckily due to way too much alcohol and Pein's drug stash fumes the aim wasn't totally accurate. The scythe hit the door and stuck in just above Kakuzu's head.

"Mother FUCKER!! I don't believe you, you double-crossing, back-stabbing son of a bitch!"

Hidan enraged really was scary, and most of the S-rankers cowered away into the shadows. Kisame leapt up and took Hidan's arms behind his back, disabling him. It was near impossible he'd got over a broken neck this fast, so he wasn't exactly hard to detain. He hit the floor with a crash and a whimper. His scythe fell out of the wall with a clatter and he reached for it on impulse.

"DON'T LET HIM-" someone sensible yelled, but it was already too late, Hidan threw a hurtful look at Kakuzu, a look full of agony beyond the physical. Then he swung the thing, all three blades pointing and shining sharp, forcefully into his own stomach. With a squish and a groan he rolled over and sighed. He was gone again.

"Why does he do that?" Zetsu's pale side viewed the bleeding body.

"I...don't know" answered Kisame shaking his gilled head.

"He...enjoys it?" Zetsu's evil side offered as an explanation.

Silence filled the cabin again. No one realized that the van had stopped around 5 minutes ago. The engine was still and the wheels had stopped rolling. Everyone started to pick themselves up off the floor, uncomfortably the mystery kissers looked around feeling embarrassed.

Cautiously someone pushed the doors open and stepped out. They were at a gas station, it was full of cars, cars with...sirens and lights.

"Ooh pretty lights!" squealed Tobi pushing to the front,

"No wait!" Sasori called as he climbed over His puppet. 30 policemen turned with spaz shotguns pointed at Tobi's heart. The group peering round the doors of their van stopped in shock.

"Freeze!" called one through a loudspeaker, aiming an air rifle.

"NOW DEIDARA!!" screamed Pein, struggling from the grips of 5 other police

The rock nin needed no further persuasion, he whipped out his clay and made a whole flock of birds which he sent forth into the crowd. For luck he made one dinosaur – don't ask why, no one else did. Don't argue with a drunk guy with explosives.

The birds flew around and exploded causing chaos, a cars tank ignited and blew it sky high. Screams filled the place as the deadly birds ducked and dived before disappearing in a ball of flame and smoke. The police were dropping like flies and running in terror from the dinosaur which had no intention of exploding – only leg-biting. A bird flew into the station shop and blew up inside, the flames burst through the window and licked up the side, everything was on fire.

"She's gonna BLOW!" yelled Itachi running in slow motion towards the drivers seat, the flames neared the petrol pumps and began curling around them. Pein and Konan had broken free of their captors and were trying to make their way to the van through the smoke and flaming tarmac. More explosions rocked the place and the roof began to crumble.

On impulse, Kakuzu rushed inside the shop through one of the broken windows. He hardened his skin to evade the flames and grabbed the red hot till resting on the counter.

"Sweet!" he cooed and leapt back out of the burning building. It didn't cross his mind to save the innocent people within. Only the money must be saved. He ran to catch the rapidly accelerating van and swung in through the open back door. It slammed shut leaving them in darkness again. The van crashed through a hedge and a couple of back gardens. It forced its way through a fence or two and lurched around a pond complete with duckings. The van seemed to have a will of its own, it plunged into a wood and through a bramble thicket leaving scratch marks all down the paintwork. Everyone in the back was at the mercy of every bump and turn, wretchedly they clung on in the dark.

"Itachi can't you DRIVE??" screamed Kisame from the passenger seat, "push on that pedal – NO not that one. We're all going to DIE!!" he'd seen what new terror lay ahead.

The detestable van broke free of the woods clutches, down a steep slope and onto a 6 lane motorway. It would have been ok if they were on the right side.

"Incoming!" screamed Itachi laughing madly. There was no hope of survival if he remained behind the wheel. In desperation the blonde bomber threw the last of his clay out of the holes in the van, it formed into one of his speciality giant birds. Instead of exploding it, which was tempting, he controlled it to pick up the van and carry it on its back. Squinting through the slash marks in the chasse, he directed the bird to a deserted car park.

"I just saved all our lives-un" he exclaimed proudly as the bird hit the ground running. By now all the luggage had been spilled all over the place, clothes littered the floor. Something of interest rattled over to where Kakuzu was kneeling and protecting his head from the onslaught of bad driving. He glanced at it, then picked it up with a smile on his face. This would come in useful later, with a flick he stowed it away inside his cloak.

Sometime later, when everyone was being sick in the car park or laying on the grey concrete thanking lucky stars and gods that they were still breathing, the sky darkened into evening and a certain nearby neon sign became more visible. The golden arches.

"Sempai...!" nagged Tobi pulling on Deidara's sleeve

"...Danna!" crooned Deidara poking Sasori in the head.

No one else had seen it, and infuriatingly they didn't care. Kakuzu was counting his money and occasionally looking at the thing he'd found in the van. Zetsu had caught a stray dog and was eating it behind a rusty container where no one would have to see, Pein and Konan were celebrating the fact that they were still living, but unfortunately doing it where everyone could see.

"Honestly right in the middle of the place!" said Kisame disgustedly as he held back his lovers hair. Poor Itachi had been shaken up by his brief driving experience and was still throwing up. No one had seen Hidan – he was still lying half dead in the darkness of the van.