RAFT tip of the day: If you're on a date, and you realize that your date maybe a potential rapist, quickly drop a fork on the ground, and when you go to retrieve it, army crawl to the bathroom, jimmy open the window, and proceed to your home. Do not return his calls.
Extreme Makeover: Ninja Edition
"No no Count Chocula we can't keep doing this. Alex will find out and kill you. I don't want our relationship to end this way but, Alex kills vampires. I must protect you..." Shino awoke to the sound of Charlie's voice, and groaning, looked around. He was in a yard, a yard that looked oddly familiar. Was that Akamaru he heard barking? At Charlie? No, he must be dreaming. He rolled over and tried to go back to sleep but something small jumped onto his back. He frowned and tried to roll back over but Akamaru's barking grew louder and he sat up in irritation. Horror swept over him as he realized his situation. He was in Kiba's backyard, Charlie was with him, and it was approximately six in the morning.
Looking down, he saw with terror that he was not wearing his usual large white coat, but a spotted leopard vest and hot pants. Oh my God. Panic seized him as he looked over at Charlie and saw that she was in an ANBU outfit, complete with a snake mask. Oh god what had he done? In quiet shock and horror, he tried to get Akamaru to stop barking before he alerted Kiba to his presence.
"Oi! Akamaru why are you barking?" Too late. Just as Shino was scrambling to get behind one of the bushes, Kiba came out his backdoor and stared at the scene before him. An ANBU black op was sitting on the ground shaking her head while Akamaru was barking at a drag queen that was trying to dive into his bushes. Looking back to the ANBU black op, realization dawned on him.
"Oh the Hokage-sama has finally listened to my request to get rid of the drag queens that have been hanging around my house. Good boy Akamaru, don't let it get away!...Huh? Shino? Shino isn't a drag queen Akamaru...well I guess I don't know what he wears under that coat of his." Shino stared at Kiba in horror. Kiba stared back. Suddenly...
"Excuse me." Kiba dashed into his house and closed the door with a bang. Hysterical laughing was heard from inside. Shino turned red in embarrassment. This was all that stupid girls fault! Oh he was going to make her pay...then he would--------wait, where the heck was she?
"Do they have pancakes around here Akamaru? Oh really? Well that's nice." Charlie, still in full ANBU garb, had started walking away with Akamaru, intent on getting breakfast. Shino stared in shock. Laughing was still heard from Kiba's house.
Now a few blocks away...Charlie was swaggering down the streets of Konoha looking for some place with pancakes and coffee. After going into a grocery store and attempting to buy breakfast before realizing she had no money, Charlie was back on the street. Damn. Suddenly...
"Sasuke!" Said ninja looked around confusedly, before spotting the ANBU black op across the block. What would they want with him? The said ANBU ran across the street, and began talking to him.
"Oh Sasuke what's up? How are you? Are you hungry oh let's go get breakfast." Sasuke blinked. He knew that voice. He quickly grabbed the mask of the ANBU black op. He knew it. Charlie.
"What are you doing? Why are you dressed as an ANBU?" Charlie blinked confusedly.
"I don't remember. I'm hungry, let's go get breakfast!" He frowned before she grabbed his hand and began dragging him around to food places. He sighed and went with her. She could be in serious trouble if she was caught impersonating an ANBU, and he couldn't have his main fangirl-eliminator behind bars.
Meanwhile...
Thunder crashed, illuminating the dark room. A figure was seen in the corner, cackling wildly in a white lab coat. Just as they were about to throw the giant switch, a knock was heard on the door.
"Your Highness? Umm, you have been in there for two hours, are you sure that you are alright?" The "figure" rolled her eyes.
"Lee, I was having a moment here."
"Oh, I am sorry. I will not disturb you." Alex sighed.
"It's okay, besides, I'm ready for you now. You may enter." Lee opened the door and turned on the light. Alex was standing next to what looked like a dentist's chair, surrounded by tables full of strange potions.
"This is for me?"
"Yes, sit down and we may begin." As soon as he was seated, Alex quickly strapped him to the chair.
"Ummm, is that really necessary?" Alex looked him in the eye wearing her strange chemistry goggles. He tried not to cringe.
"Yes. Now it begins!" She cackled evilly and closed in on him, her hands full of strange tools. Lee tried not to scream.
Back with Sasuke and Charlie...
Charlie and Sasuke sat drinking coffee and eating pancakes at a cafe. Charlie had just taken a bite of her pancakes when suddenly, a group of ANBU black ops appeared out of nowhere, and began talking to her.
"What are you doing? Didn't you hear the Hokage has given us a new mission? Come on." The ANBU grabbed the back of Charlie's clothes, and began dragging her outside. Sasuke looked over and went back to eating.
"Hey! What are you doing I was eating!" Charlie began throwing an angry barrage of insults at the black ops that had carted her outside.
"Shut up, and put on your mask we've got a mission. Okay? Now, we've received reports of a pair of masked vigilantes that have been causing chaos, and caused a disturbance at the lake a few days ago. We are to find any leads we can, and stop them." Charlie blinked, something about that story sounded familiar. Oh well.
-------------------------------------------
"Um, Lady Alejandra? What did you say this was going to do again?"
"Make you look cool and mysterious. Now sit back and let the nice lady do her work." Alex sat down and began reading a magazine while the hair stylist wheeled Lee around in his chair. He closed his eyes and imagined Gai-sensei in his head. What would he say? He opened his eyes and looked over to Alex in the waiting area, reading her magazine. He shook his head fiercely to the hair stylists dismay, and jumped out of the chair.
"It doesn't matter, because I trust Lady Alejandra and her mystical powers to show me the way to become the epitome of cool manliness!"
"Umm, sir? I can't cut your hair if you're standing up." Lee blanched.
"Ah, yes, I'm sorry! Please continue!"
-------------------------------------------
Currently, Shino was at his house, staring out the window. After the disturbing events that had taken place today, he didn't quite feel well enough to venture outside just yet. For there was still one vital thing missing...where was his jacket? He looked around wildly, before realizing what must have happened. That stupid girl must have taken his jacket! That was the last straw, she was going to be sorry she ever met him. He began walking outside, but realized that without his jacket, he could not show his face in public. Drat! What to do?
Looking to the side, he spotted a pair of sunglasses with square frames he had never seen before. Of course! No one would recognize him in different sunglasses! He put on the square glasses and opened his front door. He stood there for a second, in his old beetleborgs t-shirt and square sunglasses, before squaring his shoulders and walking down the street. The foreign girl's time had come. After he had retrieved his jacket, he would get rid of her once and for all.
--------------------------------------
"Lee just stay still, if you move around too much she might get your eyelashes!" Alex tried to hold Lee's hands to his side, but in the salon chair he was in, that was easier said then done. The beautician stood nervously over them, holding a wax covered stick. That's right. Alex had convinced Lee to get his eyebrows waxed.
"I can not do it! If I lose my eyebrows, Gai-sensei and I will no longer be in sync with each other. My youthfulness may be destroyed!"
"Lee! If you sit down and be good I'll show you my mystic moon powers." Lee got a mad glint in his eyes. He held his fist up, and posed epically in the salon chair.
"I will learn your mystic moon powers, and with the power of youth I will defeat Neji--AAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!" As Lee was giving his speech the beautician was able to wax one of Lee's eyebrows. Alex nodded in satisfaction while Lee writhed in pain.
"See, that wasn't so bad, just one more and you're done. You have great hair, with smaller eyebrows and a change of clothes my work will be done! Bwhahaha!" Lee shook his head wildly
"No! You can not make me do that again! I refuse, I------------OW!" The beautician swooped down on him again, waxing off his other eyebrow.
"Oh, Lee you look so much better now! Once the redness goes away, you'll look great!" Lee whimpered in pain. Throwing some money at the beautician, Alex dragged him out of the salon, intent on taking him to the nearest clothes store. It was called Le Chateau de Krape. Why did this give him a bad feeling?
-------------------------------------------
Charlie was scoping out the area around the lake, looking for any signs of the fiendish masked vigilantes. She was about to expand her search area, when...
"Ow." She tripped over a log. Damn those inanimate objects were out to get her. This was Alex's fault. As Charlie was getting up she noticed a bright pink ID on the ground.
"Huh what's this? Name: Zorro, Height: 5'8", Occupation: Savior of Spain, In case of emergency: Give blue pill. AHHA! I have stumbled upon the identity of this masked villain. I must now track down this Zorro character and make him pay for his heinous crimes." Charlie epically shook her fist, and ran off into the sunset in pursuit of Zorro.
A few miles away...
"Are you sure you don't have any?" The salesgirl nodded nervously at the strange man with the square sunglasses.
"I'm afraid we don't have any coats with that description, perhaps if you try down the street..." Shino sighed in exasperation while shaking his head.
"Never mind." He muttered angrily under his breath while walking out of the store. Damn that girl! He couldn't find her anywhere, and when he asked Sasuke where she was, he told him to ask the ANBU black ops! Like that was going to help him. So he was forced to look for a replacement for his jacket. He sighed angrily and began walking down the street toward the next store, when he saw an ANBU black op running down the street holding a bright pink card. Shino followed the black op with his eyes, then shrugged. Oh well, the ANBU had always been an odd group.
------------------------------------------
"No Lee you have to take your green jumpsuit off when you try on clothes. You can't just wear things over it!" Alex was attempting to teach Lee how to dress cool when suddenly...
"Ah ha! I have found you, you dastardly fiend! Now you shall pay for your horrible criminal acts!" An ANBU black op AKA Charlie jumped in front of Alex and pointed an accusing finger at her.
"Oh shit they found me." Alex jumped into a clothes rack in an attempt to hide from the black op. Charlie was about to arrest Alex, when she sneezed making her mask fall off.
"Charlie? What do you think you're doing?"
"Arresting you! According to this bright pink I.D. card I found, you are a criminal!" Alex took her I.D. card back from Charlie and glanced at it.
"Charlie, this is my RAFT membership card. You designed them, remember?" Charlie blinked and took another look at the card, before pulling out her own neon orange one and comparing them.
"Oh you're right, what do you know..." At that moment, Shino walked over to them from the other side of the store. He had been browsing the clothes racks, looking for a replacement for the jacket Charlie stole. He strode angrily toward her, intent on reprimanding her and demanding his jacket back.
"Hey, you dumb girl! Wasn't it enough you ruined my reputation as a fearsome bug master and got me drunk? But you had to go and steal my jacket too? Give it back and I may not kill you." Charlie looked at the person yelling at her. They looked vaguely familiar, but she didn't know anyone that wore sunglasses like that. Oh he must be talking to someone else in the store oh well. She walked back over to Alex.
"So what are you guys doing? And who are you?" Charlie looked at Alex and Lee, the former of whom was grinning wildly. She turned to Lee excitedly.
"See Lee, she doesn't even recognize you! I told you it would work!" Charlie gasped in shock.
"Who's Lee?"
"Charlie you idiot, Lee is my loyal follower...oh wait, you never met did you? Charlie this is Lee, Lee, Charlie." Lee smiled politely.
"I am pleased to meet any friend of Lady Alex."
"Hey wait a second, you got a cool follower, all I got was Sasuke, and he's mean. Well, he did buy me ice cream, but still...this is cheap." Charlie walked off, muttering angrily about not getting a cool follower.
Meanwhile, Shino was still standing in the spot she left him in. She just walked away just like that, like she didn't care. Something was wrong here, maybe he worded that wrong. He walked toward her, still intent on giving her a piece of his mind. Just as he was about to open his mouth, she swept right past him out of the store, and disappeared down the street. He stared in shock. This couldn't be, she was obsessed with him before, how could she suddenly not care? Unless she was trying to lull him into a false sense of security. Yes, that must be it, she was trying to fool him. Of course, why didn't he think about that before? With that, he walked out of the store, pondering this new turn of events.
Alex turned to Lee, "Oh try this one on now!" She held up a bright red shirt. Lee looked aghast.
"I can not! This is not the color of youth! What if my skills deteriorate?" Alex sweatdropped.
"Uh, Lee I don't think that'll happen, but if you feel that strongly about it, try on this blue one instead." Lee took the shirt and held it in trembling hands, holding it up over his jumpsuit.
"Lee, you're going to have to take that off, here I'll get you some pants too." She looked the rack over before coming back with pants for Lee. He was currently tearing up in front of the mirror. How could he ever get rid of his beloved spandex?
"Lee green is not the color of the moon! Pink is! But I will not make you wear pink, it won't look good with your hair...Lee stop crying this instant! If you want to be cool and manly you must take off the jumpsuit. I said take it off!" It was at this point that Naruto happened to walk by. He stopped and stared at the two of them with wide eyes. Alex was currently trying to pull off Lee's jumpsuit, and he was crying while trying to stop her. Okay, not the best picture.
"Umm, Lee! What are you doing?! Stop stripping and put your shirt back on!" Naruto glanced suspiciously at the two before finally walking away. Alex sighed in relief.
"Okay, now take off your jumpsuit in the dressing room and put these on." At that, she shoved him through the dressing room door, throwing pants and shirts at him.
--------------------------------
Charlie walked down the street muttering about her bad luck with followers, when she spotted... an emo? They had emos in ninja villages? But how had her emo radar not gone off? At least she could recognize them from their backs alone.
"Goddamn emos in their skinny jeans and hair flips."
"Woman what are you muttering about?" Charlie looked up from her angry mutterings and saw Sasuke. She looked around.
"Huh Sasuke where'd the emo go? He was right here. He had a black outfit on with a funny pokemon symbol on his back."
"Idiot, that's me you're talking about." Charlie gasped and looked at him in terror.
"Sasuke how could you never tell me? I thought I was your best friend. How could you be an emo this entire time and never tell me?"
"What's an emo?"
"Horrible depressed maniacs who paint their fingernails and never show emotion, except for when they cry in the corner to get attention. Can't understand why all the girls love them, with their skinny jeans, and died black hair."
"Wait, what did you say?"
"Skinny jeans?"
"No, the part about all the girls liking them."
"Don't know why. With their black eyeliner and girly clothes."
"And I'm an emo?"
"Yes." Sasuke stood deep in thought. If he was an emo, and all the girls liked emos, then if he wasn't an emo then...he would have no fangirls. A conniving glint crept into Sasuke's eyes. "Charlie, can you help me not be an emo?" She nodded seriously.
"Of course! No friend of mine can be an emo! We must convert you immediately!" With that, she pulled him down the street, intent on showing him the error of his emo ways.
---------------------------------------------------
"Great Neji, you deflected all of them!" Neji stood unharmed in a clearing, surrounded by TenTen's weapons. They had been training for three hours straight, Neji intent on honing his skills so that he could finally confront that stupid foreign girl and defeat her once and for all! No more stupid misunderstands. Lost in thought, he didn't notice when TenTen walked up to him.
"That was great Neji! You're so strong! I bet you could beat anyone, not that you could have beaten them before, but now you're even more powerful..." Neji began walking away, ignoring TenTen. He was going to beat that silly little foreign girl, and make her pay for her stupid insults. He didn't look like a girl! He was manly! Manly and gruff! Yeah, he'd show her...
---------------------------------------------------
"Oh Lee you look so good! You're hair's so cool! No Lee don't touch it, you'll mess it up!" Lee and Alex were currently walking down the street after finishing Lee's makeover. Alex batted Lee's hands away, after he tried for the third time to feel his hair. Out of the corner of her eye, she noticed someone following them. She blinked and turned around. About four girls were following them, attempting to hide so that they wouldn't see them. Oh well there must be a sale somewhere.
"Do you mind if we go get dinner now? We have not eaten all day, not that I am complaining, with all the work you did. I am very grateful." Alex beamed at him.
"No problem! I know, let's go get ramen at that one shop downtown. That place is really good." Lee nodded in agreement as they continued down the street.
Just a couple blocks away, Charlie and Sasuke were also heading to the ramen shop, after an intense two hours of de-emofying Sasuke. On the way, his fangirls were seen fainting from shock and falling into the streets. For Sasuke...was no longer Sasuke. He was clad in a bright yellow shirt and jeans, complete with a green baseball cap.
"Okay now Sasuke avoid black eyeliner, nail polish and skinny jeans, don't wallow in self pity, and be rugged and manly, and remember no matter how bad your life is there is someone who's life sucks more. Okay let's try out your new emo free nature. Oh there's a girl up ahead, she's really pretty, try talking to her, if she comments on how dark and sad your life is we failed."
"Charlie that's not a girl that's Neji Hyuuga. He's a guy."
"Oh, okay. Oh there's Alex. Hey, Alex! I made over my ninja too! Alex! Stupid Alex never listens. Hey, that Neji guy is talking to them. I wonder how she knows him. Dumb Alex, and her making dumb ninja friends."
With Alex
"I see you decided to take my advice. Is that mascara? It looks really good on you, really brings out your eyes. Why are you looking at me like that?"
"I am not wearing makeup. If you insinuate one more time that I am a girl, I will be forced to take action against your insults and defend my pride." Alex blinked at Neji.
"Can you tell me what brand that is? I'm running out." Neji growled in anger.
"That's it! Now you will have to prove your worth by facing against me in a fight. I will not let insults like that be directed at me without justly retaliating."
"You want to fight me?" Neji nodded. "Okay. Let's go." At that, she posed epically, waiting for him to start the fight. They stared at her. Suddenly, Lee jumped in front of her, shielding her from Neji.
"NOOOOO! Lady Alex you must not fight him!" Neji and Alex blinked and stared at Lee confusedly.
"Who are you?"
"Neji, it is I, your eternal rival, Lee the beautiful green beast of Konoha!" Lee's smile blinded Neji while he stared in shock.
"Lee? What happened to you? You don't look like...Gai-sensei anymore." Lee nodded seriously.
"Thanks to Lady Alex, I was able to change myself in order to become cool, and win Sakura's affection. I am now mysterious and handsome." Alex nodded her head enthusiastically in agreement.
"Lee's right I made him pretty. I can give you a makeover too and get you some better dresses, the one you're wearing is kind of shabby." Neji twitched in anger. That was it. He made a dive at Alex, who was able to move out of the way in time. She began running in a circle, with Neji chasing her.
Just then Sasuke and Charlie walked up. "Ah ha Alex I too have made up my ninja! He is no longer emo! Bask in his normalness. Hey! Are you listening to me? Why are you running in a circle? Pay attention to my de-emofied ninja!" Charlie started trying to yell at Alex every time she passed her while running from Neji. Sasuke just stepped out of the way and watched. Who thought Neji Hyuuga could lose it like that?
"No, Lady Alex do not worry, I will help you!" At that, Lee tried to rush in and save Alex, but at that moment, dozens of girls suddenly surrounded him, unabling him to move. They all had hearts in their eyes, and stared at him dreamily, before one girl asked him out. Suddenly, the rest of them became competitive, and they began yelling and fighting over him. Lee wailed in despair.
"Noooo, I am sorry Lady Alex, I have failed you!" Alex paid no attention as she continued to run from Neji. It was at that time that Shino appeared. He strode purposefully over to Charlie.
"I have made a decision---" Right then a wayward fangirl knocked into him causing his sunglasses to fall off. Charlie stared at him confusedly, before getting a dreamy look in her eyes.
"Wait, who are you? How could I not have seen you before...I love you!" Charlie, hearts in her eyes, began to walk towards Shino. Shino panicked.
"No, no what are you doing, get away from me...Let go of me! AHHH!" At that, Charlie began chasing after Shino, swinging around her chakra-infused chain, trying to lasso him. He screamed like a girl and began running around in circles, adjacent to Neji and Alex. Sasuke watched with wide eyes as the two chasees--Alex and Shino, were being put through the ringer by the chasers--Charlie and Neji. While that happened, Lee was being mobbed by rabid fangirls. Huh, how about that. Suddenly, Sasuke caught a movement out of the corner of his eyes. It was just one of his stupid fangirls, but, there were lots of them, and they weren't even looking at him. They were looking at...Charlie? They began moving out of the bushes and forming a mob. Then they began walking towards him. He tensed, expecting them to mob him. Instead, they all walked up to him solemnly, and bowed down in front of him.
"Sasuke-sama, we were horrified when we heard what happened to you, now that we see that it is true, we will avenge you by killing the one you call Charlie, and make you hot again! Fangirls! Assemble!" At that, they all got into battle positions, and launched themselves at Charlie, roaring in anger. Charlie paid no attention to them, and continued to chase Shino. Sasuke's fangirls began to chase Charlie and Shino, neither of them noticing seeing as they were too intent on other things. Neji was still chasing Alex, and Lee was trying to get away from his fangirls. Sasuke stood to the side and watched the scene unfold.
"Charge!" Lee had rallied his fangirls together in order to save Alex, telling them that because of her he had become dashing, and that they needed to save her. Lee led the way as his fangirls charged Neji and Alex. Just as they were about to reach them, Charlie and Shino zoomed by leading Sasuke's fangirls. Lee was able to make it through, but Lee and Sasuke's fangirl's collided, causing a massive dog-pile. Neji, Alex, Charlie, Shino, Lee, and Sasuke were all caught in the mess, running into fangirls and getting stuck under them. After the dust cleared, a massive pile of ninjas and fangirls lay in the street, blocking the area. Suddenly, an arm shot out of the pile, and Neji and Sasuke emerged from the top of the pile, both of them pulling someone out. They pulled out Shino and Charlie, the latter of which groaned in pain. Suddenly, Lee burst from the pile carrying Alex, and landed on the ground next to them.
"What the heck is going on here?" Tsunade strode purposefully toward the large pile of people, and glared at the ninja next to it. "Did you lot start this? I would have expected better of the ninja of Konoha! You can't just do what you want and cause fights in the street! You're not the only ones that live here you know. Shino, Neji, Sasuke, I expected better of you. I will arrange your punishments later. Alex, Charlie, after allowing you to stay in our village, I must say that I am very disappointed in the two of you. Until this mess is picked up, you have to stay in your apartment, and I better not hear about anymore problems about you two."
They looked down and nodded their heads, the other ninjas blushing in shame. Ever since Alex and Charlie showed up, it seemed like everyone was acting completely off their rockers. Including them. They all went off on their separate ways and went back to doing their everyday tasks. Lee went back to training, now with a fangirl entourage; Shino went to go study bugs, Sasuke went to train, now with no fangirls, and Neji went back the Hyuuga compound. Alex and Charlie were currently being escorted back to their apartment by Tsunade, who was ranting about their misbehavior. Suddenly, she stopped in the middle of her ranting and turned to look at them.
"By the way, our investigative team thinks that they may have found out how you two arrived here." The two of them looked at each other before looking back at her.
"Oh really...how about that." The two of them sped up, trying to reach their apartment before Tsunade continued.
"Apparently, some sort of large power managed to------"
"Oh look at that, here we are. So nice of you to escort us here Tsunade-sama. Buh-bye now." With that, they rushed inside and shut the door.
"So we're suck in here for awhile huh?"
"Looks like it."
"So, wanna break out the rum?"
"Heck yeah." With that Charlie pulled out two rum bottles from her emergency supply pack. She handed one to Alex, and took a swig. Looks like their confinement wouldn't be so bad after all.