RAFT tip of the day: Just say no.
Shino's Desert Burial
"We've been driving for almost two days……what is this thing running on?" Charlie blinked and looked back at Alex, Lee, Konohamaru, Udon, and Moegi, all squished into the back seat of the dune buggy, as cactus Shino had once again taken the passenger seat. Alex decided to sit on Konohamaru and splayed out, smacking Udon in the face with her foot. There was much complaining.
"If you keep yelling I'll kick you out of Ted."
"Charlie do you know where we're going?"
"No but Shino does." Alex looked over to see cactus Shino holding a map. When did he get that?
"So where are we going?"
"You're going to have to ask Shino. He's the navigator." Alex paused a moment before looking over to the cactus, known as Shino.
"Um…Shino where are we going?" The cactus did not answer. She sighed and turned to Lee. "Do you know where we're going?" But Lee had a weird look on his face and pointed to the front. Alex looked up to see a picture of the pyramids next to cactus Shino. What the?
"Um Charlie are we heading to the pyramids?"
"Of course Shino's never seen them before."
"You stupid foreign girl! We're supposed to be heading to the finish line! You'll cause us to fail! You and your stupid cactus!" Suddenly Charlie slammed on the brakes and everyone lurched forward. Charlie looked back with pure venom at Konohamaru.
"What did you say? Because I know you did not just insult Shino. Because if you did, I'm gonna have to tell him. And when Shino gets angry….people DIE!!!!" Konohamaru paled and shut his mouth. Charlie started the dune buggy again, and drove on, staring at Konohamaru, before finally turning around. He sighed in relief. Alex patted his head.
"There there funny haired boy, I've always wanted to see the pyramids too. Maybe they're super cool and amazing and we can take pictures." Konohamaru stared at her.
"Go sit on someone else now."
"Okay." She moved and sat on Udon instead, who stuttered nervously. She propped her legs up on Lee's shoulders and put on a pair of sunglasses. Just then, they hit a bump and the radio blared on, scaring everyone.
"Holy! What the heck?" Charlie gasped and switched it around, finding a station. She and Alex began singing loudly, with no clue what the words were. Alex started taking pictures as they were driving.
"Oh look over there! Smile!" Alex pointed to another group of ninjas, one with purple hair, another with a mask on and one with black hair.
"Oh Kos! It is good to see you again!" Lee started waving at the group of ninjas they were passing in their dune buggy, while Alex took their pictures. The trio of ninjas simply stared at the odd contraption and the leaf ninjas in it. Oh well everyone knew that leaf ninjas were the weird ones. "Do you know where the finish line is?" Kos nodded and pointed to the right. "Ah thank you. Miss Charlie please turn to the right."
"Okay." Charlie took a sharp turn to the right, causing Konohamaru to almost fly out of Ted.
The group had been driving for about five miles when they noticed the finish line coming up in the distance. Everyone appeared to be running around, to Charlie, it seemed obvious they were preparing the cake for when they reached the finish line.
"Alex get your binoculars and locate the cake."
"Right!" Alex saluted and began scanning the area for their victory cake. "Hm I don't see any cake. Everyone's putting stuff away and taking down their tents."
"Impossible we should still have two hours left! You stupid foreign girls made us fail!"
"Nuh uh!" But Lee held up his hand and Charlie stopped the dune buggy. They listened, and saw more ninjas run frantically past them. Their eyes widened when a roaring was heard behind them.
"Miss Charlie go!" Charlie started the dune buggy and stepped on the gas, just as the beginnings of a massive sand storm began behind them. Time slowed as the group sped toward the finish line, the wind blowing and a giant sand storm just behind them. Konohamaru screamed, Moegi ducked, Udon stared, Lee grabbed Alex, Alex grabbed cactus Shino, and, realizing that he was prickly, threw him out of the dune buggy. Charlie watched in horror as this happened.
"NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" She quickly pulled a 180 and drove back to retrieve Shino. Alex quickly grabbed the wheel and attempted to turn it in the opposite direction.
"NO CHARLIE! YOU"LL KILL US ALL!"
"I DON"T CARE!! DON"T WORRY SHINO!!! I'M COMING FOR YOU!!!" The dune buggy did not actually go anywhere but instead spun around in a circle due to Charlie and Alex fighting over the steering wheel. Alex finally overpowered Charlie and pulled into the camp in front of the shelter. Lee grabbed Charlie by the shoulders and hauled her into the shelter as she saw cactus Shino being sucked up into the vortex of the sandstorm. "NOOO!!! SHINO!!!" Everyone ran inside, Lee helping another shinobi barricade the door. Everybody sighed and sat down, but Charlie stood in shock, staring at the door. Alex steered her over to a chair, where she sat, staring at the wall. Konohamaru and his team looked at them, before shrugging and leaving to find their sensei. Lee sat down with Alex.
"Umm, is she okay?" Alex nodded.
"Yep. Charlie look at this!" Alex grabbed her camera and turned it on, flipping to a picture of Shino. Lee stared at her.
"When did you get this?"
"I've had it all along."
"Oh. See Miss Charlie, this is Shino, he's back at Konoha." Charlie stared at the picture.
"That's what he looked like." Alex and Lee blinked.
"Umm yeah, see this is not Shino." She brought up a picture of the cactus. Charlie looked confused.
"I don't understand."
"You see Charlie the cactus and Shino were not the same person. The real Shino is safe in Konoha."
"They look the same."
"No Charlie one was a plant. Loving plants is bad. Real Shino is not a plant." Charlie blinked and opened her mouth, but before she could say anything, a bang was heard. Kankurou strode into the room, followed by two unfamiliar ninja. While they counted the teams that made it through, Lee and Alex took the opportunity to distract Charlie from her guilt by giving her a popsicle.
"Here you go Charlie. It's cherry." Charlie simply nodded before eating her popsicle.
"Alright teams, it appears you are the only ones that have lived past the desert survival exam. That means five teams died of dehydration or were lost in the sands." Alex looked around at the surviving teams, the ninja with a feather and his team survived, same with the wolf chick's team, and a few others. She blinked, wondering what they would have to do next. "Unfortunately, we must wait until we start the next part of the exam due to the sandstorm. So make yourselves comfortable, you're gonna be here for awhile." Charlie looked up suddenly.
"He's not coming back is he?"
"Ummm, no."
"I see. Then I know what I must do." Alex and Lee looked nervously at each other.
"What?"
"I'm going to need a few things first. Come on." Charlie started walking around and picking up AKA stealing things, such as a large umbrella, a beach ball, Kankurou's puppet, a podium, Kos's mask, and a green jumpsuit from Lee. Charlie started setting up her objects in the middle of the shelter ignoring everyone else, leaving Alex and Lee to get the dirty looks. She then grabbed a random ninjas black cloak and put it on. "Okay, Alex, come here." Charlie lead Alex over to a platform where Charlie had placed Lee's green jumpsuit. "You have to make sure no one disturbs the body."
"Um Charlie that's not, okay yeah no one will bother Shino." Charlie nodded and went to stand at the podium and began giving a speech.
"Dearly beloved we are gathered here today to mourn the loss of a great ninja. He was the thirteenth man I loved, but on days he was like the first. He was a wonderful man, who simply wanted to see the pyramids. But alas that dream could not be fulfilled. He was taken far too early, but he will be missed. A moment of silence please." No one had said a word. They were trying to find out what the odd foreign girl was doing. "Thank you. You may all say your good-byes now." Charlie walked away from the podium, and went over to Lee's green jumpsuit. She hugged it and handed it to Alex, obviously expecting her to do the same. Alex pointed at Lee, then threw the jumpsuit over her shoulder while Charlie was distracted.
"Where did he go?"
"The afterlife. It's okay Charlie, he's in a better place."
"Disneyworld?" Alex blinked.
"Umm, sure. Yeah, Disneyworld is in the afterlife." Charlie sighed in relief.
"Good." She sniffled and walked away. Alex turned around and grabbed the jumpsuit off Kos's head and handed it back to Lee.
"What's Disneyworld?"
"A magical land where all your dreams come true."
"That sounds wonderful."
"Indeed it is run by a six-foot giant mouse, and a duck that doesn't wear pants." Lee opened his mouth, but decided against it.
"Never mind. Come, we must find someplace to spend the night."
Back in Konoha…..
"Mmmph!" Sai, was still hog tied in the gutter Charlie left him in, and was currently trying to free himself in order to kill his two teammates and take the chuunin exams.
"MMMPH!!" Who knew ninjas were never exposed to duck tape?
"In the confusion of a smoke bomb, I could remove your bra and you wouldn't even notice…..la la…" Sai perked up considerably. He would recognize that moron's voice anywhere.
"MMMPH!" Naruto stopped and looked around.
"What are you doing here?" Naruto walked over to where Sai was tied and bent down and picked up a penny.
"Find a penny pick it up and all day you'll have good luck!" Naruto pocketed the penny and walked away, never once noticing Sai tied up two feet away.
Back in Suna….
Alex blinked sleepily as she watched the other sleeping occupants around the room, each team ironically, like theirs, having one person on watch at a time. Alex was currently having a staring contest with Kos across the room. It had been twenty minutes.
"Haha! You blinked!" Alex could not actually tell due to Kos's mask, but no one was there to call her on it. She proceeded to victory dance around the shelter, eventually dancing her way out of the room entirely. She blinked and looked back, then shrugged. Lee and Charlie could take care of themselves, or at least Lee could. She wandered the hallways aimlessly, until she saw a light under a crack in one of the doors. She walked toward it hesitantly, and grasped the handle. She gasped.
"She's here!" She walked inside.
The next day……
"Miss Charlie! Miss Charlie! Wake up please!"
"Uh no giant spider… don't take the cookies."
"Miss Charlie please wake up!"
"No, mommy I love flapjacks." Lee sighed and began shaking Charlie trying to wake her up.
"Miss Charlie, Lady Alex is missing! She could be in danger please wake up!" Charlie finally started coming around.
"Mmh, wha' Alex is missing? Oh don't worry she probably just got her hair caught in the blow dyer and doesn't want to let anyone know."
"What blow dryer? Miss Charlie there are no showers here." Charlie was now fully awake.
"No showers?! Oh god this isn't happening! But I spent three days in the desert. I have sand in places sand should never be! Quick Lee we have to go!"
"To find Lady Alex?"
"Uh yeah sure. You know the best place to look for her is the bathhouse I'll check there first."
"Oh good." They ran to the hallway.
"I'll go this way to find the bathhouse---I mean Alex…" Lee nodded and took off down the hallway.
"Lady Alex? Oh sorry." He began opening every door and looking inside, getting frantic. As he ran down the hallways, yelling for Alex, his imagination got the best of him. What if she was kidnapped? What if evil villains stole her youth, oh god…. Now incredibly stressed, he didn't notice when he was heading straight for someone. They leapt to the side and grabbed his shoulders, spinning him around.
"Lee." He gasped.
"Gaara-san! I need your help!"
"I have lost my princess! We must go and rescue her before something terrible happens!" Gaara nodded and followed him.
Not far away….
Alex blinked when what sounded like a stampede came down the hallway, coming closer to her. Her eyes widened when the door flew off its hinges.
"Lady Alex I have found you!" Lee ran up to Alex and hugged her as the sunset appeared behind them. "Are you injured Lady Alex? Lady Alex?" Alex had not said a word but was instead staring at Gaara, who was standing in the doorway. "Lady Alex you are in shock! Something truly terrible must have happened to you! I will take you to the hospital!" Lee threw Alex over his shoulder and began carrying Alex to the hospital. Alex never stopped staring at Gaara, and tried reaching out and grabbing him when Lee passed him. Gaara stared back at her. She was a princess? He watched as Lee walked away, her still reaching for him. His own hand twitched. He stared at it in surprise.
"Stick him in a hole with the captain's daughter, stick him in the----" It was at that moment that Charlie rounded the corner, singing and marching proudly in her towel on the way back from the hot springs. Her mouth dropped at the same time Lee's did. She could almost see his mind working. On one hand, Lady Alex could be injured and he needed to get her to a hospital, on the other, his other teammate was currently walking down the hallway practically naked. What would Gai-sensei do? It was at that moment that Shikamaru entered the hallway. His eyed flared.
"Gaara-san! Please watch my princess!" He handed Alex to Gaara and ran toward Shikamaru.
"What the---" He grabbed him by the shoulders.
"Forgive me Shikamaru!" With that, he pulled his shirt right off him and ran over to Charlie, who looked at him strangely.
"Umm, I can't just wear a shirt…" Lee gasped and ran back to Shikamaru.
"Hell no!" He stopped, held back by the shadow possession jutsu. He started to panic, as Charlie still had no pants and Lady Alex still needed to go to the hospital. He looked over as Alex was handing Gaara a picture she drew for him. Lee realized he had only one option left.
"Shikamaru please release me I will not take your pants." Lee was released and began removing his own pants before…
"NO!" Everyone in the hall yelled at the same time.
"But Miss Charlie needs pants and Lady Alex must see a medical-nin as soon as possible."
"Lee-um Sai I mean don't worry I've got it." Lee looked over at Charlie and rejoiced.
"Miss Charlie when did you acquire pants?"
"Just now some kid walked by in a funny mask, and I took his pants." Charlie then put on Shikamaru's shirt. Lee was about to take Alex to the hospital when he got a better look at Charlie. She was wearing no bra and Shikamaru's shirt had been mesh. Shikamaru suddenly appeared in front of her with his vest. Charlie's eyes widened. She grabbed the vest, put it on, and bolted. Everyone blinked. She ran out of the building and down the street.
"I got one! I got one! I win! See you losers! Bwahahahahahaha!!!!! I am the greatest ninja ever!" Shikamaru started chasing her down the street trying to bring her back, as she thought she just won the chuunin exams. Lee, Alex, and Gaara all stood there staring at Shikamaru chasing Charlie into the sunset.
"Do you think he'll catch her?" But alas, for Lee's words went unheeded as Alex handed Gaara a poem she wrote for him. Gaara stared at the odd piece of paper with scribbles all over it. What kind of language was this? Weren't princesses supposed to be educated? He looked at her, then back at the poem. Oh well.
Will you ever know where Alex went? Will Charlie ever come back? Will Kos ever get his pants back? Review and tune in next time for the next installment of Alex and Charlie's Bogus Adventure! (Not actual title, no Keanu Reeves here. Sorry.)