*Katsuki*

The heat from Izuku's stare seared into his shoulder blades. He felt watched, he wanted to be watched, otherwise what was the point. The idiot was too much of a klutz to try right away with any of his knives anyway. Ceramic knives, Katsuki was sure that was what Izuku was working with at home.

Even though Izuku had seen these knives that time in the drawer like he claimed, he seemed like he was the kind of man to use ceramic knives. Katsuki's entire body was tense, he could feel every muscle ripple as he moved because he didn't know how to be normal. He had spent most of the morning pulling Izuku by his wrist.

That soft skin, his pulse throbbing against the inside of his fingers. Izuku let him. That was the most physical contact they had ever had, because hitting and pushing didn't count.

That spring smell, the spring smell in the middle of the market, surrounded him when Izuku bumped into him. He had to actively clench his jaw because the memory washed over him so suddenly, he was having a physical reaction.

When he had fallen into the river as a child, all the other kids had been following him like he was their fearless leader. But Katsuki had felt the floor flip from under him, his body tilted, and for a moment he didn't know where was up or down. And he landed with a splash in water, soft and welcoming and safe. Izuku was the first to come to him, and he hated it.

Who did he think he was? Katsuki didn't need help. How dare he do that in front of his friends who never knew him to be weak. He couldn't understand Izuku, so fucking selfless all the time, so good without even fucking trying. And here was Katsuki, a smoldering, angry, shit of a mess.

The smell of a spring calmed him now, in the safety of his apartment, after he had a chance to process his reaction and hiding it in the crowd, with Izuku's wrist safely gripped in his hand. It put his entire body into such a calm state he didn't realise it was because of him . It was fucking stupid. Of all people, him.

A wave of it rolled over him, even through the turbulent hot air of the pans in front of him and he grimaced, his back to Izuku so he knew freckle face wouldn't see him. Instead, he felt the urge to insult him, so he tried.

"You better be payin' attention nerd, I'm quizzin' you on this." Katsuki said. That wasn't an insult, fucking fuck. He didn't know what was happening to him. He looked over his shoulder and saw Izuku blushing a bright red, so he flashed a grin and looked at the beef in the pan. What the actual fuck, Katsuki? Why're you grinning?

He heard Izuku mumble something, and what actually felt like affection of all things warmed his stomach and rose to his chest, tightening his diaphragm. He sucked on his teeth, he was beginning to irritate himself. And he had to live with himself, so it became doubly annoying.

The steak was done, everything else was done, so he moved fluidly through the small space of his kitchen, placing pans in the sink and filling some with water as they were hot and would get the grease out easier. He worked seamlessly and all the food was ready to be served, except for the steak for the next couple minutes as it rested.

In the meantime, he balanced two plates, a saucer, and two bowls as he walked to the too small dining table. They would have to eat off their laps at this rate, there was going to be no table top space left. He could feel Izuku's eyes on him, and the food smelled amazing, so he knew Izuku would be hungry by now. Fuck it, Katsuki was hungry right now. Enough to ignore the fresh spring and forest smell that smacked him in the face.

"I have a question." Izuku asked. Katsuki glanced at him over his shoulder, Izuku was touching his mouth like it had done something against his will; he used his scarred hand, Katsuki remembered how he got it, they always looked like a survivor's scars.

Izuku slid off the stool, his hand dropped to his side and he walked toward Katsuki to where he stood by the dining table. Katsuki looked up after placing the dishes on the surface, his expression patient.

Katsuki watched his feet kind of dance in place, like he was going to get closer, but he stopped and Katsuki narrowed his eyes; a chair and three feet the only barrier between them.

"Deku, what? I told you don't be annoyin' with it."

Izuku's Adam's apple bobbed as he swallowed thickly.

"Are we friends?"

Katsuki heard ringing in his ears. What? And it was like he had fallen again, and he didn't know which way was up or down. But this time, there was no water to catch him, nothing soft to land on.

"Fuck, Deku." Katsuki said, he looked out the window then down at the food. "No?"

"I guess, that makes sense." Izuku said, a sad smile on his face as he studied Katsuki, which only made him want to fidget more. "One day in the market didn't mean we magically bought a friendship."

"Do you want to leave?" Katsuki asked. Guilt swallowed him. I fucked it up, I'm fucking it up. Izuku shuffled his feet.

"No."

Relief swelled in his chest and all through him, battling against the guilt like oil and water, guilt on the surface of his relief in a thick film, suffocating the relief of fresh air.

"Why the fuck did you have to make this fucking weird." Katsuki said. He turned and pressed his palm through his hair, passing it back and forth because he liked the softness of it, it was distracting, comforting almost. Also he didn't have to look at Izuku and he needed to fight what felt like a beet red face he knew he would undoubtably sport if he let his mind linger on the stupid question..

Am I fucking embarassed? , he wondered. He groaned.

"I'm sorry, Kacchan." Izuku said. A hand slid onto his bare shoulder. Katsuki whipped around and just managed to stop his reaction of smacking Izuku's hand away. Izuku withdrew his hand, almost flinched away.

"Why do you keep touching me when I always fuckin' hit you? Do you like me hurtin' you? Why are you here ?" Katsuki asked, the words tumbling out of his mouth because he was a ball of nerves, embarrassment, guilt, relief, happiness that Izuku was here, and that his life wasn't monotonous and alone or filled with the void of strangers.

The apartment was small, he felt cornered. For once in his life he didn't feel like lashing out, but he could feel his anxiety building.

Izuku looked at him for a moment with wide, beautiful, green eyes; Katsuki was thanking the God he didn't believe in for the chair that was between them. Because he had a sudden urge to kiss Izuku and that made him want to punch his stupid freckled cheek because what the fuck?

"I want you to see me as your friend, finally." Izuku said. And he said it with such ease, Katsuki wondered how long he had felt that way. Maybe forever, because Izuku never stopped following him around, even when he had told him to jump off the roof.

" Shit. " Katsuki said under his breath, it sounded like a hiss. Did I actually say that to him back then? He wondered. It was so long ago, he was so angry. He was the worst version of himself.

There were so many things wrong with everything that was happening right now.

"Kacchan?" Izuku said his name softly. Katsuki fought a shiver and brought his eyes up to meet Izuku's, green and bright, even in the dim light of his all of a sudden too shitty apartment filled with the too shitty Katsuki.

"Deku." Katsuki said. Saying it felt weird in his mouth now. He wanted to say Izuku, but thinking about saying his name like if they had been childhood friends and not childhood bully and victim felt like the biggest lie he could pretend to believe. "Listen. I don't know what bein' your friend is. I dunno how to do it. Can't we just fuckin' eat this food I just made or some shit?"

"If that's what you still want." Izuku said. He pulled the chair, the barrier, the safety net that kept Katsuki from yanking him by his collar and smashing his mouth into his, and sat in it. Katsuki's knees weakened and he let his body fall into the other seat. "I can go, if you need space? Maybe I'm asking for too much, and I get it. I'm sorry."

Katsuki laughed, a short bark of laughter, devoid of actual humour.

"How is it you're always apologizin'? Huh?" Katsuki asked. He reclined in his seat, half to increase the distance between himself and Izuku, half because he wanted to look cool, imposing, masking everything that was happening in his head.

"Well, I'm in your space? You cooked all of this? I ruined it?" Izuku said, a suggestion to every one of his given options. He looked a little alarmed that Katsuki was laughing, maybe it was because it usually meant he was about to get mean. Katsuki sobered his expression.

He felt ridiculously uncomfortable. He didn't know how to be.

"Can we still see each other? Do this? I want to learn to cook from you." Izuku said. Then his palm flew up and he waved them frantically, dismissing the idea. "I don't mean we have to call us friends or anything, but your food smells so good, and it looks amazing, and if I can make anything I cook even look half like this, I'd be amazed."

"Okay." Katsuki said. How long had he been there just listening to Izuku monologue like he always did when there was silence? Excitement broke out on Izuku's face and Katsuki felt his stomach flutter. He gestured to the food with a dismissive wave of his hand and ignored the sensation. "Eat what you want."

Izuku did just that, with so much enthusiasm, Katsuki wondered how much, if at all, had the conversation bothered Izuku. He hated his optimism.

"Kacchan." Izuku's eyes opened wide, his cheek bulging a little from whatever he had just put in his mouth. Katsuki glanced down, it was the pork. "Kacchan, this is amazing."

Katsuki gave a sheepish smile. "It's alright, I guess."

"What the hell are you saying? Eat the food and stop looking at me!" Izuku said. A blush crept up Katsuki's cheeks and he frowned hard to hide it. His arms were crossed on his chest and he clenched his fists. Act normal, you dumbass, Katsuki scolded himself. He took a deep breath and released his body from the tension that felt like it was holding him together by a thread.

Katsuki slumped down over his plate and shovelled food in front of him. He ate, and tried very hard not to watch Izuku as he enjoyed everything his own hands had made. And the longer it went on, his mind worked, and he hatched a plan without meaning to.

Friends. They could be friends. They weren't right now, but maybe they could be. And eventually, the possibility of apologizing to Izuku would be close to a reality. And Izuku would forgive him or at least know Katsuki was sorry.

There was a complication. He couldn't be around Izuku like this. One on one, alone in his apartment. Not often. He'd go insane. And he wasn't a homewrecker. Izuku seemed happy with Todoroki and his stupid rich family that gave him everything they ever had.

Todoroki never had to work for anything ever, not like Katsuki or Izuku did. And something about the fact that that's who Izuku ended up with, happy and in a long term relationship, made Katsuki want to punch the half and half in his face.

"Kacchan?" Izuku said, his voice breaking Katsuki out from his plotting mind.

"Mm." Katsuki said, a noncommittal sound, and also because he was tired of saying Deku.

"Thank you." Izuku said. The fucking nerd was saying thank you now. After also saying sorry. He's so goddamn polite all the fucking time, he wanted to fuck his courtesy out of him to see what kind of things his mouth might say then.

"Yea, whatever." Katsuki managed to say, shifting his legs because his stupid minute fantasy had driven blood to his groin.

Izuku jumped and then a shrill sound erupted from under the table, muffled but still too loud because Katsuki was staring and Izuku and Izuku had been staring back. Izuku turned in his chair, fished his phone from his pocket. His eyes opened in surprise and he looked at Katsuki before answering.

"Hi, babe." Izuku said it, his eyes on Katsuki, and Katsuki had to force himself to breathe normally. He clenched his jaw instead, because he knew it was Todoroki on the other end. "No, I'm just out! I thought I'd make a trip to the market instead of the sad grocery store. Mhm, I wanted to try new recipes I found online. Yea. You can buy something, I don't think I'd be able to cook anything when I get home. No, I'm sorry, yea, I'm a bit tired. Wine sounds nice."

Katsuki watched Izuku's lips as he spoke and the way his ears turned pink whenever he saw Katsuki looking at him, because Izuku couldn't keep his eyes to Katsuki. No, his eyes were skittish, like a hummingbird, flitting across the room and then back to Katsuki as though he were checking that he was still there. Izuku bit his lip and Katsuki sank lower into his chair.

Swallowing these feelings, whatever they were, was now on the top of his list.

And something happened that made Katsuki feel physical pain, pinched across his chest and he panicked because he definitely knew it showed on his face. So he furrowed his brows and scowled the most Katsuki scowl he could manage, even as Izuku's stupid green eyes held his and he said in a soft -was it sad?- voice.

"I love you, too."

Izuku lowered the phone and Katsuki could hear the tone that indicated the call had ended.

"Gotta go?" Katsuki asked.

"Not yet, no." Izuku said. He looked exhausted all of a sudden. As exhausted as Katsuki felt keeping all of himself caged.

"Mm." Katsuki said. He rose to his feet and cleared the table. He maneuvered around the seated Izuku and wanted Izuku to reach out and touch him, but he didn't. He worked on putting food away into containers and then stuck dishes into his tiny dishwasher after rinsing them.

Izuku came up beside him, the scent of the spring and forest following him and encompassing Katsuki's space, mingling with the dishwashing soap's smell. Katsuki wanted him to press his body against his, but Izuku didn't. He looked to the left and down at Izuku and saw the back of his head, his curly green hair, now too long. Izuku was fiddling with the food, as though he wanted to take some with him.

Katsuki had dried his hands and turned to lean his back against the counter, the hard corner pressing into the very top of his thighs. The green curls called to him and before he could stop himself, he reached up and wove his fingers into Izuku's hair.

Izuku stilled, then turned his head to Katsuki, eyes wide, mouth parted. Fuck , Katsuki thought and he relished for a moment longer at the softness of his curls against his fingers before he dropped his hand.

He knew his breath was coming soft and in puffs, he could feel his chest heaving at the effort to remember to fucking breathe.

"Sorry." he said, because Izuku was looking at him with wide, innocent eyes. He hadn't flinched.

"Let's go see Kirishima." Izuku said. A huge smile broke out across Izuku's face and Katsuki felt relief flood through him. He was being weird and Izuku being the fucking ball of sunshine he was, the absolute optimist, had not made it weird. Because Katsuki knew he fucking made it weird. And he didn't know how to stop.

So instead of vocally saying yes, he nodded. And forced himself to blink and look away, and move away, because the foot between them had become like the space between a magnet, begging to be closed after they fell perfectly into place.

"Yay, Kacchan's the best." Izuku said and he turned to get his things. Katsuki turned to the sink quickly, gulped for air, counted to three and spun around.

"God, you're annoyin'." Katsuki said. But he couldn't hide the smile on his lips.