Everyone loves our act. They swoon, they cheer, they scream…
But that's just it.
I was never acting.
I am in love with someone who doesn't love me back. COULDN'T love me.
Mostly because he's my twin brother.
I awoke quickly, breathing fast, heart pounding somewhere near my Adam's apple. It wasn't a nightmare, though. It was a good dream. Too good of a dream. I sat up, letting out some kind of whimper.
"Kaoru? Are you okay?" came the concerned whisper from beside me.
"I'm—" I began, voice obscure. I cleared my throat and said, "I'm fine, Hikaru. It was nothing. Just go back to sleep."
"Did you have a nightmare?" he asked, heaving himself up on his elbow to face me. I turned away from him, trying to keep my problem to myself.
"Just go back to sleep!" I ordered, beyond uncomfortable.
"You can tell me about it." His hand was on my shoulder now, squeezing gently. I bit sharply on my cheek to keep from making noise. "You were fidgeting. You kicked me."
"I don't want to talk about it!" I shouted, wrenching my shoulder from him. I could feel his hurt gaze on my back. "Please…I can't…Hikaru, I…"
"Forget it." Hikaru turned over too, shaking the bed. I squeezed my eyes closed, wishing I could talk to him, make it better.
At least he didn't leave. But I couldn't fall asleep after that, and I know he couldn't either. It made me sad, to know that I could hurt Hikaru that way, with just one comment…
One secret.
Hikaru just didn't want for us to be different in any way, or have different feelings. But I couldn't feel that way. If Hikaru were exactly like me, then I would only love myself, and what's so great about that? Such lonely, narcissistic feelings…
I could never love myself.
When our alarm went off, we both sat straight up. I gave him an apologetic glance, but he only shrugged, heading towards his shower. He paused when he reached the door.
"Kaoru…I'm sorry."
"No, I am. I shouldn't have dreamed that…I mean…" I felt my face heat up. "I'll tell you about it when…when I can. It's still…"
"Kaoru, you don't make sense sometimes." He said it with a smile, but I could tell that he was frowning inside, blaming me for being different…for not making sense to him when I should be exactly like him. I replied with the same kind of smile. He seemed to approve of that.
When we finally got to school, I couldn't say anything without feeling awkward. But it was fine. Hikaru talked to Haruhi, and I just sort of stood there, occasionally pitching something in for them to start on.
Hikaru liked Haruhi. I liked Haruhi too, just not like he did.
"…They're an American band, relatively new. They have some good songs, but they're kinda' hard to understand. Kaoru, what do you think?" Haruhi asked, smiling.
"I don't really listen to them. You should lend me some of their stuff." Both of their smiles dampened a bit. I'd been impartial to everything all morning, and I guess they were getting worried about me. "I'm kinda' tired. I think I'll go sit in the main courtyard for a while. Come find me if you need anything."
I made my way down, trudging slowly, trying not to think about that dream again. It kept popping random tidbits into my consciousness, each one wreaking its own kind of havoc.
"Oh, Kaoru…please…"I stopped abruptly, hands trembling. I clenched them into fists, continuing down the stairs.
"Kaoru!" It was Hikaru, hand outstretched as he raced towards me. He finally caught up, panting slightly. I felt my ears color and tried not to notice it.
"Hikaru? What is it?"
"Kaoru, what's going on?" Hikaru demanded, grabbing my hand. "Why won't you talk to me?" He seemed almost hurt by this. I just stared at him, forgetting how to speak. I noticed in passing that we had accumulated an audience—mostly girls.
"Kaoru, talk dammit!"
"Hikaru…I can't. Not now…not in front of them…"
Hikaru frowned, but turned, pulling me by the hand to the nearest bathroom. After making sure we were the only ones inside, he continued looking expectantly at me.
"Well?" he prompted.
"Hikaru…please…" I pulled my hand back, looking down at the ground. "I…"
"Kaoru, what was in that dream?!" Hikaru was getting much angrier. "It was only a dream!"
"It was…you." It was only a whisper, but it seemed to hit Hikaru like a stone. "You were…" I couldn't say it. I couldn't tell him about it. "You left me…" I finished weakly. "You went with Haruhi. I was all alone."
"Kaoru…" He pulled me into him, and I bent my knees a little to rest my head on his chest. I felt like crying. "You know you'd always be there with me." He didn't mention anything about Haruhi, I noticed. "I love you, Kaoru."
"Hikaru…" I mumbled, trying to form a complete thought.
"Come on, we'd better go to the club now, or else milord will be furious."
"Or at least Kyouya will," I muttered as he let me go, taking my hand again.
"Get busy," Kyouya said shortly when we did get there, as I'd predicted. We both sat down, but I didn't feel good about the effects the club were having with my dreams. Just to be safe, I scooted my chair a bit away from Hikaru when I thought no one was looking.
"What do you like to do, Kaoru?" one of the girls asked. "What's your favorite thing to do when you can't sleep at night?"
"I—"
"I keep him company until we're too tired to do anything but sleep," Hikaru smirked.
"Hikaru!" I snapped, turning to him. His grin disarmed me, like always, though. He pulled me closer, saying, "You're always so shy. Don't worry, Kaoru. I'll keep you awake tonight, too."
As the girls squealed, I glared at him.
"But…Hikaru, that was only because you couldn't sleep!" I managed to protest, forcing my eyes away from a set of identical ones.
"I don't know, Kaoru. You weren't very tired either."
I sighed, sitting down. I wouldn't win this. If we continued any more, he was sure to mention that dream.
Oh no.
Now I'd done it.
Floods of images burst into my head, each one worse than the last. I prayed for someone to interrupt it, when Haruhi came over, two of her girls in tow.
"Can we sit with you?" she asked me politely. I nodded enthusiastically, scooting further from Hikaru, to let Haruhi sit between us. Her patrons joined ours, who were still reeling from our last act.
"Oh, Haruhi's here!" Suki, one of our faithfuls, stated, smiling at her as Haruhi shifted to get comfortable.
"Good afternoon," Haruhi said with a smile.
"He's so adorable," one of our others whispered.
I sat back and let the two of them handle the customers, wondering vaguely at the truth of my fake nightmare.
"Kaoru…"
"Mm?"
"It's time to leave."
"Okay."
As we left, I made sure to stay ahead of Hikaru, so as not to promote my looking at him or him talking to me. It was a very long, lonely walk, but it was better than talking to him. The drive was equally as long. I stared out the window, watching the world go by in a general blur, trying my hardest not to think at all. I didn't know how I was going to fall asleep that night.
It was late, and Hikaru thought I was sleeping, but I was only pretending. I heard every word he said.
"Hello? Yeah, it's Hikaru. Listen, I was wondering…do you think Kaoru's been acting odd lately? …Yeah, me too." He seemed both relieved and troubled at the same time. "He said he had a nightmare last night, and he won't really talk to me about it. I mean, he did say something about it, but I think he was lying, because he's been acting so…he said that in his dream I left him all alone to be with…someone else, but then he's been avoiding me all day. It really doesn't add up to me…"
I felt horrible about myself. I made a show of groaning lightly and rolling over, hoping he would leave the room, at least.
"He's sleeping now. He might wake up if I keep talking." His voice had dropped to a whisper. "Yeah, I know. I can try, but…well, yes, but…okay. I'll try. I don't think he'd really go for something like that, though." He sounded displeased—abrupt, even. "Goodnight, Haruhi. Sorry to bother you." Hikaru hung up the phone and tried to get into bed without moving it. I pretended to stir, blinking groggily.
"Hikaru?" I whispered, looking over at him. He smiled delicately.
"Shh, Kaoru. Just go back to sleep." His voice was a light murmur, and I couldn't help but smile at him. I scooted closer to him, and he did the same, clasping hands. It felt so natural to do this, dream or no.
"What if I have a nightmare again?" I couldn't help but ask. Hikaru laughed softly, brushing my fingers against his lips. My stomach sloshed over on its side.
"I'll be here, don't worry." Even though he said it so flippantly, it meant so much. Even though he was pretending, I wasn't. I told you, I was never acting.
I pulled even closer to him and fell asleep.
In the morning, I woke up a good ten minutes before the alarm. Hikaru was dozing beside me. His arms had made their way around me in our sleep, and mine around him. I colored as I realized that our legs were entwined, too.
"Mmmm," he moaned, obviously having a good dream, as I noticed something hard brushing my thigh. My face grew even redder. I pulled back slightly, trying to get away before I had a problem similar to my twin's. His arms, however, pulled me closer. I held my breath, squeezing my eyes closed…
And then…
"Yes…Haruhi!"
Just like that…
No need for worry. All color dripped out of my body altogether. Hell, my vision even lost color.
But I already knew he loved her. Why did it hurt so much? I would always come second to her. Always, in Hikaru's eyes.
I lay there, trying to keep from falling into tiny shards as he writhed in ecstasy. When the alarm went off, Hikaru was jolted awake. I pretended to sleep, however, not wanting to be expected to ask anything.
Or to let him know what I'd heard.
"Oh…god…" I heard him choke. His arms pulled away from me, as did his legs, but I refused to let him go.
"Just a few minutes," I murmured blearily, clutching him lightly.
"K-Kaoru, we're gonna' be l-late," my twin stuttered, almost pain resounding in his voice.
"Eh?" I released him, sitting up and stretching. "Sorry about that. Still kinda' asleep I guess…" I trailed off, as he was almost running to his bathroom. "Hikaru?" I wanted to cause him as much pain as possible. He stopped at the door, looking over his shoulder, an expression of near-agony on his face. "Is something wrong?"
"Not…now…Kaoru…" he managed, slipping out and slamming the door behind him. I laid back down, frowning to myself. It was so gratifying, to see him in such pain—so much like my own—but I also couldn't stand it when he was hurt. Maybe I could just talk to Haruhi…find out how she felt. But she liked milord…so troublesome.
I curled up more comfortably, deciding just not to shower that day. Only Hikaru would know, and he'd blame it on my sudden 'oddness'. Hikaru came back in a few minutes later, toweling off his hair. He froze just inside the room, staring at me, a puzzled look on his face.
"Aren't you gonna' shower?" he asked, a concerned note sticking in his voice.
"Just tired this morning," I answered dishonestly.
"You went to bed early, though," Hikaru frowned. "Are you sure you're okay?"
"I'm fine," I told him coldly, getting out of bed and crossing to the wardrobe. "What about you? Did you have a nightmare?"
"I…no. I mean, not exactly."
"What? What is it?" I pressed. I knew I was being cruel, but I wanted to give him a taste. I took out a uniform and began undressing.
"I…don't want to talk about it." He looked down, ashamed of himself.
I crossed the room, shirt off, and put my hands firmly on his shoulders. He looked up at me, eyes vulnerable and pathetic.
"Hikaru, what happened? What did you dream about?" I asked him calmly. I could feel the daggers in my eyes.
"I…well…sorta'…" he sighed, looking down. "I had a…sex dream about…Haruhi." His voice was small, but at least he had admitted it. I could feel my inner, self-hatred rise when I considered my own cowardice…situations had been different, but he could at least be honest. I pulled him into me and hugged him loosely.
"There, was that so hard?" I praised him, voice full of what my face could not show.
Astonishingly, he shoved me away from him.
"NO! Don't you understand?" He demanded, full of new passion. I blinked, not expecting such an outburst. "I…I love her! I want her—need her—in so many ways! She won't even…she only cares about…" He couldn't even form actual words with the force of his passion. I watched as he broke down, face holding in so many different things…hurt, misery…need? I threw myself back into him as the first tears fell.
"She'll never love me…" he murmured wretchedly into my neck. I shuddered from the contact, the hot breath on my skin. "She only cares about that guy." No more 'milord'. Only that guy.
"Hikaru," I muttered. "School…we have to go now…I need to get dressed."
My poor, miserable twin pulled his head up slowly, releasing me. I was dressed in two seconds, ready for him to take me in his arms again, but he merely rubbed his face with his sleeve, and, seeing that I was ready, grabbed his bag and left the room. I looked after him for a moment before running out myself, chasing him all the way to the car. We got in and it started off. Silence surrounded us.
"Hikaru?" I murmured, looking at him in what I hoped was understanding sympathy.
"Kaoru," he answered curtly, returning the look with scorn and looking out the window.
"Hikaru, please…" I whispered, reaching out for him. He turned and almost scoffed, but my expression softened him, and he took my hand.
"Kaoru…I can't explain it. It feels like…like I'm breaking…"
I moved closer and placed my other hand on his cheek. But I couldn't stop my inner contempt. He had no idea what breaking felt like.
"I know, Hikaru." His head came crashing to my shoulder, his arms embracing my waist. "I know."
I don't recall much of that day. Hikaru didn't talk to Haruhi, and I didn't talk to anyone. I threw a few of my brother's acts awry during the club, and Kyouya just told us to leave. I sort of stood there, but Hikaru nodded, leaving the music room.
"Kaoru? Or is it Hikaru? Whichever you are, what's been going on with you two lately?" Kyouya demanded angrily.
"Just dreams," I replied honestly, not looking at him.
"What are you talking about, Kaoru?" Haruhi asked from behind me. "Have you two been having nightmares?"
"Not nightmares. Just dreams." I felt like crying as I said it. That was all they were, but we were letting them rule our lives…our relationship…
Everything.
"Well, come with me for a second. I'll be right back, okay Kyouya-senpai?" It was a question, but not one that required an answer. As if anyone of us could actually say 'no' to Haruhi.
Haruhi led me by hand to the large window in the hall. She gazed out calmly, and I watched my feet as they did nothing. I noticed in passing that one of my shoes was untied.
"Kaoru, Hikaru told me what happened."
"I know."
"Do you want to talk about it? I know that it would be hard to talk about with Hikaru."
"No, you don't," I muttered curtly. She didn't seem phased.
"He doesn't like anything that makes you two different," she shot back keenly. "If you were scared of something he wasn't, he'd be mad, right?"
"Haruhi…" I looked at her smiling face. She looked so happy, so effortlessly blissful…so unaware of how tortured my brother was by her. "Hikaru l-…well, he likes you. A lot."
She looked stricken. "What?"
"Are you so sure that you're right, now?" I was trying to be rude; trying to make her stop talking to me.
"Kaoru, what are you…Are you…" I could feel her disbelief, her amazement. I felt even worse about myself as I wondered vaguely what she'd do about it…if she'd tell him I told her, like she told me he told her about my 'dream'.
"And since I'm sure you'll report this back to Hikaru anyways, I'm not telling you anything."
I made to storm off, but Haruhi caught my arm.
"But…but Kaoru…He didn't even talk to me today! How could he— "
"He had a wet dream about you last night."
Her face turned bright red, and she made a sort of choking sound in the back of her throat, letting go of my arm. I didn't leave, though, wanting to see her reaction.
"B-but…that could mean…I mean, just because he d-dreamt that…" she stammered, but I cut her off.
"Haruhi, he told me. He was…He was crying, okay? He…" I felt the water build up somewhere behind my eyes, and tried to build a giant emotional dam, but it fell down as I said, "He really…fucking loves you."
Haruhi was stunned as I cried there, seemingly unsure of what to do. I swiped at my face with my sleeve, trying desperately to stop crying, but every time I did, I would see him in my head, feel his tears on my neck…
"Don't cry, Kaoru," Haruhi said gently, holding a handkerchief up to my eyes. I opened them carefully, looking down at her smiling face. "We'll all be fine." At my questioning glance, she replied, "I like him, too."