It was revolting how quick it was after that. Haruhi and my brother, that is. I suppose I should have been happy for Hikaru, but I couldn't do it. As he grew happier and brighter, I withered, growing thinner and blander. People could tell us apart, simply because I was miserable and Hikaru wasn't.

Haruhi noticed. Haruhi cared. I suppose that's why Hikaru loved her; she was a very loving person.

But I didn't want that sympathy. I didn't want that anguish.

Some days, she would come home with us.

Some days, Hikaru went to her house. Those days drove me insane. I would break things, I would scrape my hands and arms purposely, just to feel anything except the looming torture of Hikaru's first real happiness without me.

They would hold hands and kiss when they thought no one was looking. Hikaru became more distracted during club duties, and I sometimes had to carry on entire conversations by myself…

By myself…

Alone.

Ever since the world of Us had began, I'd never had to worry about being alone, so I'd never thought about what it would feel like. Now that it was over, that We were over, I began to wish I had, if only to prepare for this endless torture. I never dreamed about Hikaru after that. I never dreamed again it seemed.

It was almost three weeks later when it happened.

"No, we've never really been too good at sports, right Hikaru?" It was as pointless as talking to air.

"Eh? Oh, yeah yeah. All the time," he said, not knowing what I was saying, only hearing his name.

"I've heard that Hikaru's been holding Haruhi's hand lately. Have they started dating?" Suki asked me quietly. Hikaru didn't even hear her, as he was gazing fondly at the brunette over her shoulder. Unfortunately, Kyouya happened to be passing by.

"Kaoru?" he whispered, gazing at my twin. "Is it true?"

I kept my mouth shut, knowing it would betray me. Instead, I shrugged, saying, "Well, I wouldn't know."

"Ehhhhh????!" the girls gasped. "B-but…you're twins!!! Wouldn't you have some sort of…"

"We don't share the same brainstem, just DNA," I tried not to snap, but it was a bit more angry than any tone I'd ever used in front of the guests.

"We'll talk later," Kyouya murmured to me, straightening up and returning to his own table.

"What were we saying?" Hikaru asked blearily, looking at me with glazed eyes.

"Nothing particularly. You haven't been drinking your tea! And I went through so much trouble to get it how you like it…" I sighed, trying to get him to play along. "It's cold, now…"

"Oh, Kaoru…" He grabbed my face and pulled me closer. "You know how much it means to me. Please, don't cry…I'll drink it, okay? Please, don't cry…"

But it was too late. I was crying. Not because of the tea; screw the tea.

I was crying because these acts were the only way that my twin brother would pay attention to me, and as I have mentioned, I wasn't acting. I just wanted to feel his hands again. It bothered me that his hands were warm against my skin. We would usually always be the same—exactly the same!!!—temperature and all.

"Kaoru, it's you who is cold. You feel like ice. Are you okay?" he continued, using that same, husky tone that I wanted so much to be real, and for me…but…

"I'm fine, as long as I have you with me…"

'But you're leaving me, aren't you?' I wanted to add, but I couldn't. Not in front of everyone…not in front of Hikaru…not in front of myself.

"Kaoru…"

"Hikaru!"

I curled into him, his warmth around me, comforting me, even if it was pretend, if only just for now. I wanted to drown myself in it.

"Hikaru?" I murmured, some time later. He was a lot more focused now, keeping up his end of the conversation.

"Yes, Kaoru," came the immediate attention I had so missed.

"Hikaru? Kaoru? Can we join you?"

It was Haruhi and three other girls. I stiffened, but Hikaru welcomed them warmly. Haruhi sat between us, secretly holding Hikaru's hand beneath the table.

I intentionally inhaled a small portion of my tea, excusing myself to the bathroom. Even Kyouya wouldn't let any of us die. It would lower income.

I settled myself out in the hall, forcing myself to continue choking. It was punishment for being a coward and a bad brother.

"Um…Kaoru?" came the voice. I whipped my head around to see Suki, one of my classmates who had been with us since the club opened. But there was no us anymore, was there…? It would only be a matter of time before Hikaru started sitting with Haruhi, right? There would be no more need for me, the forgotten twin.

"Yes, princess? Is there something you need?" I called hoarsely. She merely sat down beside me, looking straight ahead. I did too, no longer wanting to see at all.

"They are dating, aren't they." It wasn't a question. "Are you okay, Kaoru?" I tried to laugh a little, but just ended up coughing again.

"Kaoru…Doesn't he know what he's…I mean, can't he see?! He's supposed to be your twin, you look exactly alike, but he can't tell that you're…"

"And what am I, Suki?" I wondered aloud. "Without Hikaru, I shouldn't even exist. I can't exist without him…"

"But…But, Kaoru…you are two different people." It was a simple, honest statement, but I couldn't help it. I began to cry. Silently, in the middle of that giant academy, somewhere in the halls, I, Hitachiin Kaoru, lost the last bit of spare moisture in my body. I didn't even remember fainting.

"-ru?! Kaoru?!"

I stirred, lifting up my head, only to put it back down. I didn't want to open my eyes, but it happened anyway. The lights were bright, and my head, already pounding, seemed to split in two. I sat straight up so I didn't have to see that glare as I tried to get a grasp of my whereabouts.

"Kaoru!" Hikaru's arms wrapped around me, and I was stunned. I couldn't hug him back. He let go and the others got a chance at me.

"We were so worried, Kao-chan!" Hunny cried, jumping into my lap. Mori nodded in agreement.

"Are you feeling any better, Kaoru?" Kyouya asked.

"Where am I?" I inquired, as he was the most likely to know.

"My family's hospital. You passed out from dehydration. Just what have you been doing lately?"

I stiffened, noticing a needle sticking out of my arm. I glanced at it nervously, not liking needles very much. Hikaru was terrified of them, and I guess it rubbed off.

"Nothing really," I answered honestly.

Wait…

My arm…

They can see my arms…

I tried to pull them behind me discreetly, but Kyouya caught my wrist, giving me a warning look.

"I think I need to speak with Kaoru alone," he announced calmly, icy flares rolling off of him in warning. The warning was: 'Obey me or die.'

Everyone meekly made their way out, each with their own pitying look. The most inflaming one came from Hikaru, who was being borderline brotherly.

I didn't really notice anyone else.

"Kaoru, what's been going on with you and Hikaru?" Kyouya demanded in a low voice as the room emptied.

"It's…It's nothing to trouble yourself with, Kyouya," I responded quietly.

"I can't accept that answer."

"Kyou-"

"No, listen. Guests come to see you and Hikaru be the way you were, and are leaving disappointed. If you don't tell me right now what the hell is going on, I'll just bring Hikaru and Haruhi in here to sort this out for myself!" He was furious, of course. It was all business to him…but underneath, you could see that he really cared about us all. He just had a reputation to uphold.

"Kyouya…not in here, okay? I just want to-"

"Yes in here, I need to have a word with you three!" He stormed out, reentering with the other two. "Someone start explaining!" Kyouya roared, nearly violent.

I silently covered my arms.

"Well…"

"Haruhi! Hikaru! There have been rumors flying around that you are dating. Are they true?" His voice had quieted, but the rage had not left it.

Hikaru was the one who spoke. "Yes, Kyouya," he muttered.

"And did either of you even consider the effect that this would have on the club? Hikaru, what about your guests? Haruhi, what about your debt? What about Tamaki? You two have no idea how hard this will be to contain…" A hand rose to pinch the bridge of his nose.

"Kaoru? Did you know about this?"

"…Yes."

"And did you try to stop it?"

"I…I sort of got it going…"

"What happened to your arms?"

"…I…"

"Yes?"

"I don't know."

"Is that so…Well, for today, just get some sleep. I'll figure out how to pull this off tomorrow. Kaoru…do you feel well enough to go home?"

I thought about it for a second. I could go home and bask in the new attention from Hikaru, sleep in his arms again…

"No. I don't think I can go home yet. I don't even think I could get to school tomorrow." It was a lie, but I didn't want to feel whatever Hikaru made me feel by pretending to care about me. I'd rather bask in my own misery and pray that everyone would leave me the hell alone.

"Alright then. Hikaru, Haruhi, let's let him sleep now."

"But…Kyouya…"

"He. Needs. To. Recover."

And that was that.

"Kaoru? You have another visitor."

It was Suki. She poked her head in, taking in the scene impassively. Kyouya sighed, but greeted her before ushering the others out.

"How come she can stay but we can't?!" Hikaru demanded indignantly. Kyouya frowned at him, and said nothing. The door swung shut behind them as a giant argument became audible just outside.

"Kaoru, are you feeling healthier?" I noticed that she didn't say okay. I smiled at that, relishing the long-distant feeling of being understood.

"I suppose." I felt a bit out of it still, but that was to be expected.

"You really scared me, y'know," she added, sitting down beside me on the bed. "I thought you might have a stroke or something."

"That scared you?"

'The fact that I might not have woken up scared you? Made you sad?'

"Of course it did! I care about you, Kaoru! We all do! Please…" she grabbed my hand, "please…take care of yourself a little better from now on. For me?"

I didn't know what to say, so I remained silent.

"Kaoru…What is this on your arm?" Suki whispered, tracing a long line with her finger. I looked at it too, not really seeing anything.

"Just a scratch." That's all they were. I hadn't cut any of them deep enough to leave a scar, just deep enough to sting, throb when I washed them. I made certain not to pick at them at all, so most of them were almost healed. The oldest ones had already vanished…

"Hitachiin-sama?" came another voice at the door. One of our servants poked their head through. "Your brother sent me here to make sure that you weren't well enough to come back home tonight. Are you feeling well?"

"No, I still need some time." My voice sounded extremely hollow to me for some reason.

"Very good, Hitachiin-sama. Please notify the house when you're ready to return home." She left, and I turned back to Suki, who was frowning at me.

"Why don't you want to see Hikaru?" she asked, hand still on my arm. She put both of her hands around it, leaning into me slightly.

"Because he doesn't see me anymore."

"What? What do you mean?"

"He can look at me, but he doesn't notice who I am anymore. He keeps looking at me and expecting to see his reflection…but…but don't I exist too?" The words escaped from some cavity in my chest. It seemed that there were more of them in there… "He can't keep pretending that we're both the same person, can he? He's got Haruhi, and I love…" That's where the words ended, the last word getting stuck in my throat. I couldn't dislodge it from where it caught, so I just didn't say it. I was breathing heavily, and Suki had pulled away from me somewhere in the middle of the words. The words…

They buzzed around in my head like angry hornets, grateful to be away and free from the dark pit in my gut. I felt that now, with the words out, I could eat again. I could live again.

But…no. I couldn't live without Hikaru. He completed me. I would never be the same without Hikaru right by my side. I shrank down again, all triumph I had felt about besting the words diminishing without another thought.

"Hikaru and Haruhi, huh?" Suki said, a slightly desperate color to her tone. "That wouldn't sell at all."

"That's Kyouya's problem," I muttered, grateful to push something—anything—on someone else. "Besides, I'm not going to school tomorrow. I'm just going to sleep until I can't anymore, and then probably take a walk…or something."

"You won't go to the host club?!" she demanded, beginning to panic.

"No. It'll work out, though. Mark my words…"

"Then I won't go to the club, either." She seemed persistent. "For the first time since I started going, I won't go."

"You don't have to boycott it. It's just for tomorrow. You should go, actually. You need to report to me what I should be planning for when I do go back."

I was playing a bad card, but I didn't care. I knew she wanted to see Hikaru, too. She didn't only care about me. She loved Hikaru just as much. But the look in her eyes as she left made me wonder…

'Didn't she…?'

I slept almost all of the next day. In fact, I was awakened by the entire host club, with Suki in tow.

"Kaoru!" they all cried together, Hunny lobbing himself at me, Tamaki blathering on about something irrelevant and having to do with flowers, and Hikaru kissing the top of my head. Suki pulled a chair up next to the bed, and Haruhi sat by my feet. Hunny jumped up to sit on Mori's shoulder, who proceeded to lean against the wall. It was Kyouya that spoke next.

"So, we're not in any kind of trouble anymore. The girls found Hikaru's new love interest very appealing and we've been getting many bookings. Kaoru, tomorrow, you're going to play the lonely but glad-for-his-brother character. It'll be interesting to see how this plays out." The last bit seemed to be to himself as he scribbled something down on his clipboard. Suki grimaced sympathetically, but no one else seemed to be paying attention.

"How are you, Kaoru?" Hikaru asked lightly, still standing next to him. I sat up and moved over to allow him room to sit down, which he did.

"Could be better," I remarked, frowning, but still trying to keep good humor. It was rather hard to do in a hospital. "Tamaki? How've you been holding up?"

The conversation turned into Tamaki ranting about 'the effects of this incestuous relationship' in correlation to the play family that he had developed on his own, and I relaxed, smiling a little from sheer nostalgia. As the time went on and other people started talking, I wilted a little, resting most of my weight on Hikaru. His hand found mine between us, and I felt that smile grow. My eyes fell shut, and I pretended to sleep, only to get closer to Hikaru. Here, and only here, could he be mine.

"Great, milord. You've managed to bore him to death," Hikaru shot at Tamaki, who was halfway through another little rant.

"No…no way!" Tamaki shouted, voice growing closer. "Kaoru? Kaoru, my son? You're not dead, right?"

I used this as an opportunity to push closer to Hikaru, whose arm wrapped protectively around my shoulders out of instinct, if nothing else.

"Milord, shut it. Everyone, out. Kaoru needs to sleep!"

There was a brief commotion as everyone filed out. Hikaru still held me close to him. I almost opened my eyes, but he began to speak.

"You too, Haruhi. I need to take care of him. He's…not right. Not like Kaoru."

"I understand, Hikaru. I'll call you later."

"I don't know…I might not be available. I need to talk to Kaoru, when he wakes up. I don't know why, but I think us being together is hurting him…"

"Oh…okay, then." She left, and I felt sort of guilty, seeing what I had done to them. But then Hikaru cradled me into him, laying us both down and pulling the covers around us. He pulled me very close to him, every part of us lining up, as if it were Us again…

"Why do you do this to yourself, Kaoru?" he asked harshly. "Why didn't I notice?…I couldn't see…Kaoru…I…" His hands were like iron, gripping me to him so fiercely, I felt like I could break at any second. "We're twins…always together, always the same…but somehow I didn't notice that you were hurt. I'm sorry, Kaoru. I fail as your older brother."

"You're fine, Hikaru." He didn't jump. He knew I'd been faking. "I'm the one who's…who's broken."

"No. No, I won't believe it, Kaoru. You aren't broken, right? If I turn to look at you, you'll be smiling like always, right?"

I reached up behind him and turned off the light, gripping him to me almost as tight as he held me. I let my hair mix with his, but it was the same anyway. We were together again, and it felt right. "Hikaru? I don't want to lose you."

"What? Lose this?" We squeezed each other, our foreheads touching.

"Aren't you uncomfortable, Hikaru?" I wondered aloud, noticing that he was still wearing his entire uniform, including the shoes.

"It's nothing compared to being away from you for so long."

"I'm being serious!"

"So am I."

"Stop playing with me!"

"…What do you mean?"

"Holding me like this, saying those things to me…"

'Making me think that you care about me…'

"Kaoru, you're not making any sense. We always do this."

"Please, Hikaru. Please be serious with me. I…I…" I couldn't think of what to say. I couldn't word my thoughts in any way that wouldn't shock Hikaru so much…push him away from me in every way conceivable.

Hikaru slackened his hold and sat up. For a moment, I thought he would leave, but he took off his jacket and shirt, his shoes, his pants…

"Hikaru…"

He put his arms around me again tenderly, our faces just apart enough to look at each other. I felt so shy, lying this way with my brother while being so vulnerable…so broken.

"Just tonight, Kaoru. I'll be serious with you, just for tonight." It wasn't his usual voice. It was softer, but it was harder too. This was being serious.

He leaned forward, hesitating, but our lips met gently at first, but growing harder. I found that I wanted this. I liked this. His hands were on my lower back, mine on his chest. I wound one up into his hair, stroking it tenderly at first, and then knotting it in as his tongue and mine moved feverishly against each other. I couldn't think, couldn't ask where this was leading…until he suddenly stopped.

"Hikaru?" I asked tentatively, watching his face.

"Kaoru…do you love me?" he demanded suddenly, eyes blazing.

"What? I…I mean, of course. But…"

"So, you had that dream about me?"

"Ye-what? What dream?"

"Kaoru, I was awake. I heard you."

He knew…

He knew…

He knew…

And he still did that.

"Why?" I whispered, staring into his face.

"Why what?" Hikaru met my gaze. "Kaoru, I still love Haruhi, but…I won't leave you so alone anymore. I guess…I just wanted all of us to be together…"

I couldn't help it. I felt so ashamed, so…taken advantage of. I rolled over, letting my tears begin.

He said he was serious…

But he was only acting that way.