I couldn't take it.
Hikaru pretending to care about me…
Haruhi pretending not to notice my torment…
Being away from Hikaru so much…
I was at my own lonely table between Tamaki and Hunny, and I couldn't get up the will to smile. I wanted to smile at the pretty girls around me—especially Suki, who knew how to understand me—but every time I would try, some explosion of fan-joy would explode from where my old table was…the one that now held my brother and Haruhi…
How I hated that I was the one to have to move…
"Kaoru?" It was one of mine. I had managed to keep her after Hikaru had left.
"Yes, princess?" I asked softly, gazing at her in utter woe.
"Does it hurt?"
I worked up a tear, and turned away from them slightly. As it trailed down my cheek, I answered, "These are tears of joy for my brother who must be happy elsewhere…" It got some fan waterworks going, but Suki handed me her handkerchief and excused herself.
"I wonder where she's going…" one of my new customers murmured, watching after her. I dabbed my eyes with the silk square, happy to have found such a good person amongst the fans.
"Oh, Kaoru." Kyouya was passing by, clipboard in hand. "We're going to be doing a French cosplay sometime next week, and I need to order costumes. What would you like to be?"
"Oh, I'll just be whatever Hikaru is," I smiled.
"No, that won't work anymore. He's going to match with Haruhi now. You need to think of something different."
"Then…well…"
"What about a French Dragoon?" Suki shot out, popping up behind the other guests. "It's classy and popular. Or a French painter."
"I've already gotten the misfortune of being the beret-toting-Parisian-scum, handed to me by his highness himself, the King of France." Irony rolled off him in great, cascading waves. Kyouya was always such a happy person…
"What are Haruhi and Hikaru going to be?" I asked slowly, eyes down.
"They're going to be the upper crust…ironic, isn't it? The commoner and her lout…"
"Don't call him that!" Suki reprimanded him. "He's Kaoru's twin after all…In front of him-"
"It's okay, princess," I intervened, looking up at them. "My brother, to Kyouya especially, has been a major pain in the-"
"My, my…"
My eyes leapt to the source of the voice, finding my slightly older brother, thankfully alone.
"Do you really think so poorly of me, Kaoru?"
I made to jump into his arms, but he shook his head infinitesimally, imperceptible to anyone who wasn't familiar to Hikaru like I was. Instead, I hung back, arm awkwardly crossing in front of me.
"You put a terrible burden on Kyouya's shoulders without any kind of prior warning."
"But brother, you can't stop true love."
"Hikaru?" It was a passing Haruhi. Hikaru smirked, pulling her into a long, lingering kiss. Some of the girls were very enthused by this. Others voiced their disapproval.
"Hikaru, I'm going to ask that you refrain from those sorts of acts in public," sniffed Kyouya, jotting in his notebook. "You're making a complete fool of yourself." My brother shrugged and led Haruhi by the hand back to their table.
"Kyouya, may I be excused?" I asked him. "I can't do this today."
Kyouya looked at me for a long while, but then sighed, nodding. He caught my arm as I stood up, saying, "Kaoru, how did you let this happen? We're all suffering here. Tamaki's getting restless. I think he's going to do something drastic."
"I…I'm sorry Kyouya," I whispered, taking my arm and making my way out of the room.
"Kaoru?" It was Suki. The poor girl. She must have been confused.
"Yes? I was about to leave."
"W-would you like some company?"
"…sure."
Just like that, Suki became my ever-present companion. Everywhere I went, she would come. I don't remember when it happened, but I eventually started following her around, too. Hikaru never spoke to me, except to exchange pleasantries. I won't lie, it hurt. It hurt like hell. I couldn't get free of my love for him. When he slept, I would hold his hand. I had missed this contact most of all, even more than that night at the hospital.
But I never held Suki's hand. Not once.
"Kaoru! Come look at this!" she would laugh. I would smile and follow her voice to view whichever new toy she would find to amuse herself with.
We would always find each other when we were upset, but neither of us would mention it, or acknowledge the fact…
Until one day…
"Kaoru?" WE were in her family's library, alone, looking at the various books.
"Yes, Suki?" I was reading about conjoined twins, a concept that had always fascinated me.
"I was adopted." She was very upset. I pulled her into me, holding her there, books forgotten beside us. "These people took me in so hey could raise me to marry their son. He's…been very interested in me, lately."
It had broken that unspoken agreement. As I held her miserable body to mine, the weak threads that made up my resolve began to deteriorate.
"I don't want to marry him. So I…I was wondering…if you and I…if we could…"
"Us get married?!" I was shocked, needless to say.
"No! No, not that, but if I could introduce you to them I mean, the Hitachiin would be a good business alliance for my father…"
"Is…is that what this is? You want to get close to our name?" I kept my voice cold.
"No! No, please!" She looked at me with shining eyes. "No, I've greatly enjoyed our time together! I just thought…maybe you could help m-me."
I couldn't say no. She introduced me to her father and I to my family. Hikaru looked strange as I showed her to him and Haruhi (a tad unnecessarily). I suppose it was a surprise for Suki to see Haruhi actually dressed like a girl, but Haruhi didn't seem to mind.
We had a lot in common, as it turned out. We had never really talked about ourselves, so when we did, each new thing was a surprise. We both liked storms, manga, slow music, kotatsu, and we were both in love with someone that didn't love us back. I pretended not to realize, but there was no doubt that she loved me. A month after I'd formally met her father, she confronted me.
"Who is it?!" she demanded. "Is this person the reason you were in the hospital? The reason you can hardly eat? Answer me, goddammit!" She was fairly hysterical at this point. All I could do was stand there. I pulled her into me again, despite her protests. "Kaoru! Let me go!" the girl screamed.
"Not until you calm down," I whispered, beginning to weaken.
"Not until you answer me! Who is it?!"
"Don't…Suki, don't ask me that…" I was crying. I let her go, turning away from her, trying to remember how to get out of here—here being her bedroom. Her mansion was huge and confusingly laid out.
"Kaoru…you have to talk about it. I know it's still hurting you." Her hand was on my shoulder. "I…I'll listen to anything you say."
"It would only hurt you," I whispered, deciding to play unfairly. "I know how you feel about me, Suki." I wiped my eyes clear, spinning around to face her.
"What? What do you—?"
"Suki," I interrupted her, "please be honest with me. I've stayed by your side, knowing your feelings. Saying them wouldn't change anything." But she shook her head.
"It would. It would change everything. You would have that over me."
"I don't want power over you. I have too much already."
"But then I'd know…"
"Know what?"
"That you really are just pretending."
"…I never pretend."
I pulled her close to me, looking carefully into her bright blue eyes. She tried to protest, but I leaned in and kissed her softly. She resisted at first, pulling back slightly, but then she turned into jelly for me, leaning into my arms. It wasn't a passionate kiss, not Hikaru's, but it was nice. It didn't develop into anything unpredictable.
"I…I love you," Suki whispered, hesitant and very red.
"I know." It was cold of me, I admit, but I couldn't say such a thing back. She sat down on her bed, and I settled beside her, wrapping my arms around her. She placed her head on my shoulder, forehead on my neck.
"Why won't you tell me?"
"Because…if I admit it, I'll be stuck with it."
A week passed since that day. We didn't mention it. She did, however, manage to find ways to brush against me, inconspicuously, but completely intentionally: under the table during club hours, a pat on the shoulder or back during class breaks, a bump in the halls…
It was nice to be given the extra attention, even though we were together almost every moment out of the school…
Just like it used to be with Hikaru.
'Hikaru…'
I'd been thinking about him so much those days. Too much. Every free second I had. I would see him, but it wasn't like the Hikaru that I had known. He had changed so much without me there. It was torture, to see him so different, so less a part of Us…
I had missed the days of Us…
If I could've wished for one thing, that would have been it.
We still slept in the same bed, but he would face away from me. If I tried to talk to him, he would always have an excuse. It was like he had written me out of his life. It was like I hardly mattered to him…didn't matter…
It was a weird thing, to not have any purpose to live for.
I had always thought that people who committed suicide were weak, but now…
Now I understood why they would do it.
It's unbelievable!" he raged, kicking the bed. I stood carefully out of range. "She said I forgot our quarter-year anniversary!"
"Did you?" I asked quietly, not wanting to incur my twin's wrath.
"I didn't know such a thing existed," he answered, flinging himself to the foot of the bed. He sat there, staring at the floor for a long while. I didn't know what to do, so I remained standing there, watching this stranger that I knew so well.
"I…missed you," he murmured after an extended period of silence.
I was stunned. "What?"
"I've missed spending time with you. We're always off doing…well, girlfriend things, and we haven't really been able to chill, like we used to." He beckoned for me to sit beside him, and I easily complied. I would always do anything he wanted. He brought us crashing down to lie beside each other. He inched closer to me, lining our bodies up so we could cuddle.
"What're you—"
"Shhh…Kaoru. It's okay. Just for right now, okay? I'll be serious with you again."
"But…why?" I couldn't help but ask.
"I told you—I missed you."
That night was unlike any other experience I'd ever had. Hikaru hadn't been kind. He bit me, scratched me, hit me…while kissing me, while touching me in ways I'd never thought of before. I was painfully aroused long before he even addressed the issue, but he was too. I could hardly move as it was. When he grabbed it, it hurt, but everything felt so wonderful…my brother really is too cruel. Only that night…
I savored every heart-wrenching moment of it.
When he decided that we were done, he dragged me into the shower, where he couldn't see me crying…but he heard it after a while.
"Kaoru? What's wrong? Don't be ashamed, Kaoru. It's okay." He pulled me into his arms, and I put mine around him, glad to be there again.
I was crying because my twin didn't care about me. I was crying because he was pretending to because of some sick sense of sexual gratification he needed, but obviously couldn't get from Haruhi. I was crying because he obviously wasn't being serious at all.
He was just pretending with me, like always.
"I love you, Kaoru."
"I love you, too."
"I'm sorry I did that. You're crying because you think you betrayed your girlfriend, aren't you?"
I had completely forgotten about Suki.
"Well, don't worry about it. Like I said, it was only for tonight." He paused, beginning to shampoo my hair. "Kaoru? Kaoru, what's wrong with you?!"
I couldn't help it. I fell apart. I grabbed onto Hikaru, pressing my face into his, kissing him fiercely, hoping he would get the message without me having to say it.
But he pushed me back.
"Kaoru, what is it?" He seemed slightly disturbed. He wanted me to say 'sorry, it won't happen again,' but I couldn't say it.
"Hikaru…please…don't ask me to say anything." I was weeping, unashamed, completely susceptible to his every breath. I couldn't stand it anymore. I wanted him to love me. Wanted him to know exactly what I wanted, and give it to me, unreserved, unabashed, serious forever, not just 'tonight' or 'right now'. I wanted him to be mine, and mine alone, whatever that might mean.