Hikaru wouldn't talk to me after that.

I didn't blame him.

I felt like dying even more than before.

I wanted him to see me when he looked at me, someone to talk to—to know—instead of just some distorted reflection…

Who was supposed to do whatever he wanted. But isn't that exactly what I was?

Suki kept trying to get me to talk about it. What part of 'Don't ask me about it' is so hard to understand? I just can't admit it out loud. I've never said it before, so I just don't want it to be tainted. It's already loathsome enough inside my own head.

I'm in love with my twin brother.

…and I'd give anything not to be.

The day was over. For the first time since I'd known her, Suki had not come to the Host Club. It was a very lonely day. I supposed she was mad at me, or fed up with my sulking.

To be honest, I was too.

But for the first time in months, I had nowhere to go. Anywhere I could think of would be suffocated by the oppressive air of the 'Outside'.

The air of loneliness.

I couldn't help but shun anything that didn't involve me being by myself, and since this is what initiated the entire brainstorm, chiefly defeated the purpose. That is until…

"Kaoru, I think we need to chat."

I looked up, straight into the bespectacled eyes of Kyouya, who was frowning intently at me. I pulled back instinctively, feeling exposed under his gaze.

"Come home with me and we'll have a nice, long talk."

I nodded, nervous and showing it.

There wasn't much that Kyouya would want to talk about. He was a businessman, after all.

As I rode back beside him, I began to wonder just what Kyouya's home life was like. I knew about his family, but none of them seemed like the kind of people to function at all together in a single home, albeit a giant one. I still hadn't puzzled it out by the time we'd arrived.

The mansion was…ostentatious, a word I'd never gotten to use accurately before until seeing this place in person. It was the only word sophisticated enough to describe such a place. The gates and fence themselves were works of art, though when I mentioned it, Kyouya merely looked at them in disgust. I was confused by the gesture, but didn't question it. Whatever Kyouya's answer would be, it would only leave me with more questions. I decided to let it pass.

"Kyouya…"

"Please wait until we are inside," he interrupted, looking meaningfully at one corner of the vehicle. When I looked, I saw a very expensive camera, lens catching the both of us sitting there. I shut my mouth.

As I stepped out of the car, I was greeted by a very pleasant smell that I couldn't quite decipher before we got inside. I could tell Kyouya smelled it too, because his nostrils flared quite subtly and his pace quickened a hair.

I waited until we got into his room.

"What was that smell?"

"Irises. They're my mother's favorite," was the immediate answer. "And…mine, too."

"I didn't know you liked flowers, Kyouya."

"I don't. I just hate irises the least."

I sat down on a large white sofa, staring around in the large room. It really hadn't seemed so big the last time I'd been in there. Of course…

I had been there with everyone, with their laughter filling in the spaces.

"Kaoru?" Kyouya tugged lightly at my conscious, pulling me back to the present.

"Sorry. I lost myself for a second."

"Alright. Well…you know what I want to talk about. Talk."

"It's complicated," I shot automatically. He frowned, sitting down on the corner of the other couch, directly diagonal from me. I chose not to look at him.

"I have time."

"Not that kind of complicated. The kind where it's hard to talk about." My tone was childish, but I didn't care. Enough people were trying to get me to say these things that I couldn't say. "Don't you have any things like that?"

"…I did. But only until I met Tamaki. I can talk to Tamaki about anything, Kaoru, because he's my friend. I thought that I was yours."

"It's not that you aren't, it's just that I can't talk to anyone about this!" I was getting louder, but I controlled myself.

"Then why did you come if you weren't going to say anything?!" the youngest Ootori demanded, growing a bit frustrated himself.

"Because I—!" I bit off my words.

"What?"

"I didn't want to be alone." It was a mumble, but it should've left him satisfied. It was enough. It was all I intended to say.

But Kyouya didn't like to leave things like that.

"Why would you be alone? What about Suki? Hikaru? Any one of us that you could've asked to spend time with?" I whipped my head up at that one. I stared at him in such agonizing hope, I watch the lines on his forehead and around his eyes weaken. "You're not as alone as you think you are."

"But…Kyouya, you…You don't understand!" I was shouting again. I stood up and yelled, "None of you understand!" I didn't cry. I didn't want to cry. I didn't run out, either, though. I really wanted to, but I couldn't make any of my body work. I was still wrapped around those words. 'You're not as alone as you think you are.' If only I had some sort of recording to play it over and over so it never left my head.

"What don't I understand, Kaoru? Enlighten me."

I was trembling. He would find it out. I would tell him myself. I could feel it then, in my very bones, in my inner self, I was quivering, because Ootori Kyouya knew how to break me down.

I balled up my fists. "You…I can't…please…"

"Please, what?"

"…don't tell the others…"

I couldn't help it. I knew he would get it out of me, eventually. My constitution was weakened as it was. I didn't need the prince of darkness breaking into my head and learning everything his way. I had to tell him.

And it felt different.

Lighter.

Like I wasn't suffocating anymore.

"…and…he wasn't nice at all. He hurt me…a lot. And he liked it. He wanted to hurt something, and he knew I'd let him…"

"What kind of hurt? What did he do to you?"

I lifted my sleeve to reveal long scratch marks and healing bruises on my upper arm and shoulder. He sighed lightly and reached out to touch me, but I pulled away, surprised by the gesture.

"Kaoru…why? Why did you let him…I mean, you could've asked him to stop…"

"No, I couldn't. I'll take anything he has to offer me, and he knows it."

"But…why? Surely there's something that could justify his behavior."

"He apologized and said he'd never do anything like that again."

"Well, at least that's—"

"No Kyouya! Weren't you listening?!" I was almost shouting again. I breathed very slowly. "He said he'd never love me like that. That he really was just pretending, just like I told him not to! He really doesn't…doesn't care at…at all." By the time I was finished, I was whimpering, and beginning to cry, but I didn't want to reveal that weakness to Kyouya, even though I'd basically explained every single thing I'd sworn not to tell anyone, not even to utter out loud while I was alone…

I was weak, and I knew it.

Hikaru knew it.

And now, Kyouya knew it, too.

But instead of jotting something down on his arm or something, he came and knelt beside me, cradling my fragile body to his firm, collected one.

"What am I supp-posed to do, Kyouya?" I asked him wetly, clutching at his shirt desperately.

"Shh, Kaoru, just calm down. I could tell you that everything will be okay, or that Hikaru will come around, but I honestly don't know how this will work out." He gripped my shoulders and pulled me back so he could look me in the eye. "I do know that it must have something to do with his relationship with Haruhi. You said that before he…well…that he had an argument with her? I think it's something about frustration. The worse she is to him, the worse he'll be to you. As much as it pains me to say, I hope they can patch everything up well…"

"You don't want her with him either, do you, Kyouya?" I hiccupped lightly and I smiled at him, a miserable smile full of despair and hopelessness.

"Well…it's pretty obvious now, isn't it?" He returned the same sort of smile, and I nodded. H laughed briefly, and released my shoulders.

"Kyouya-sama? Telephone," a maid said, popping out of nowhere. Kyouya nodded, taking the receiver from her. She glanced at me rather worriedly, and I looked down, feeling myself turn red.

"Your brother," Kyouya mouthed to me.

"I'm not here," I whispered back to him.

"Kaoru? No, he's not here. We dropped him back at your house a while ago. I didn't see him in; I had business to attend to…Well, I hope you find him. Good luck." Kyouya handed the phone back to the maid, who curtseyed clumsily before tottering out.

"Thank you, Kyouya," I muttered.

"Don't mention it. It won't take him long to find you, though."

"I know."

We sat in a bit of silence. Finally, Kyouya said, "I'll get a car ready."

"Don't bother. I'll call one of ours. Hikaru will probably be watching for your cars, anyway."

"…if you're sure."

"I am. But…thank you, Kyouya. For everything." I hoped my voice carried every inch of gratitude I felt. Kyouya deserved it, more than anyone I'd ever encountered in my entire life. I really had called him wrong on everything. Kyouya just made different sense than most people. He was a really nice person. I'd just never really noticed it until that moment. He'd always been kind to all of us.

But when I got into my room, I was silently cursing him for letting him keep me from where Hikaru was. He was furious.

"Kaoru, where did you go? No one knew. You had to be with someone; who was it?"

"No one, Hikaru. I just wanted to go for a walk."

"When were you crying? Your eyes are all puffy."

"It's just a little cold. My eyes have been running all day. The fresh air just irritated them. That's all."

"Why didn't you tell anyone you were going for a walk? Why wasn't anyone there in case you got in trouble?"

"Because I can take care of myself!" I shouted, tired of being interrogated. Hikaru seemed taken aback.

"Kaoru…?" He was looking at me as if I was a new person.

"Yes?"

"Are you…did something happen to you?" His voice was full of concern, but I knew he was pretending. That was all he did.

"I'm fine." I spat tersely.

"Really? Kaoru, you can talk to me, you know. We've always been together."

"I don't feel like talking to you, Hikaru. I'm fine; there's nothing to talk about."

"…Then, what would you like to do?"

"Actually, I'm feeling kind of tired. Can I go to bed?" I didn't wait for an answer, walking over to my wardrobe and pulling off my jacket and shirt.

"Kaoru, what's going on? I'm confused." Hikaru was right behind me, hand on my abused shoulder. "Are you playing some kind of game?"

"I don't play games," I answered coldly, shrugging off his shoulder. As I unbuttoned my pants, he grabbed my by the forearms, pulling them between us.

"Kaoru, are you being serious or not. Please, tell me what you want to do tonight."

"Sleep, obviously…" But I was cracking. All of Kyouya's reinforcement was breaking down.

"What do you want to do before that?"

"…I—" The hesitation was all he needed to attack. Still holding me, he forced our lips together.

I tried to resist—I really did!—but…as I told Kyouya, I would take anything he had to offer to me.

He pulled my pants down to the floor with my other clothes, but in doing so, released my arms. I managed to push him away so he could see how hurt I was…but I was so vulnerable…so twistable. I would do what he wanted; he saw that and pulled my to the bed.

"Hikaru, please," I begged. He gave me a very sad look, but he pulled off his jacket, shucked the rest of his clothes, so we both remained only in our boxers.

"I'm very upset, Kaoru. I can't handle being told what to do."

"I…know. I'm sorry, Hikaru."

"That's better."

He lashed out at me. He threw himself on top of me, mouth trying to get at mine, fingers scrabbling at my skin, all of him trying to know me in such painful ways; I couldn't take it. I cried out sharply, but it was stifled in his throat. I tried flailing free, but his legs came down on me.

"Don't…struggle…"

"Hi…karu…"

He was so angry. I could feel it. I couldn't talk to him; he wouldn't hear it. All that was left in him was the instinct to destroy, and I was the only one there. He was going to break me. And there was nothing I could do about it.

It was horrible.

He made me…

do things…to him.

I couldn't stand it.

It wasn't what I'd wanted.

When I said I love Hikaru, I didn't mean for this to happen.

I didn't want to be like a five-dollar whore to him.

I didn't want for him to think so little of me…of human emotion.

Strange things passed through my head after Hikaru had fallen asleep.

I wondered what Haruhi had to deal with.

I wondered how I'd face Kyouya the next day.

I wondered if Kyouya would keep his promise.

I really wanted to trust Kyouya. I really respected him. I was sure he'd be a good person for me…a good friend.

I just felt that my mouth would never be clean again, like if I talked, people would see what was in there.

No one could know. Not even Kyouya.

I was alone then, and I didn't feel like having company.

It was by sheer chance that we met up on the stairs.

It could have been anyone, but no. It had to be her.

"Kaoru? Where are you going? We have to go to the Host Club."

"Haruhi!" I couldn't think of anything else to say, so I just kept my mouth shut. Tightly shut. "I…gotta' go." And I ran off. I didn't even stop when Hikaru called my name. I was ashamed. I was revolted…

But most of all, I was hurt.

So I kept running.

I didn't know where I was going, or how to get there, or even what time it was, but I kept walking. Soon enough, I got home. It was empty, and I recalled vaguely that my parents had gone on some business trip, taking most of our servants with them.

I called one of the remaining maids to me, ordering her to inform the staff to leave me alone for the rest of the day. She wasn't fazed, bobbing off. Our staff was all like that: professional and distant. It kind of made me sad, to remember the one maid that I did like.

That We had liked.

I shook the memories from my head, turning to go upstairs, but there was someone waiting for me.

"Kaoru? What's wrong with you? You're being completely psychotic!" It was Suki. She appeared to be close to crying.

"I'm not the one who…" I couldn't finish the statement. I just stopped talking, staring at my feet.

"What did you tell Kyouya?" she demanded instead.

"That's between me and him. Now, please leave my home."

"What about Hikaru? Why haven't you been talking to him?"

"Suki, please get out."

"What about me? Why won't you ever talk to me?"

"Suki, leave! I bellowed, authority and fury exploding from me dangerously. "Don't you dare try to lecture me!" The girl shrank back, and I felt bad for a moment…but she really hadn't done that in the best way possible.

"Kaoru…what happened to us?"

"I don't know Suki. Please, just get out before I call your family."

"Why are you doing this, Kaoru?"

"Kaoru?" It was another voice. An almost identical voice to mine…

I scowled at the ground, ready to hurt something, and stormed up the stairs.

"Kaoru, wait!" Hikaru ran after me, but I sped up, reaching the top of the stairs and running in some unfamiliar direction. Even though I'd already explored most of the house with Hikaru, it was still absurdly easy to get lost inside of it.

I reached a long corridor and darted inside one of the doors, locking it behind me.

"Kaoru!" I heard from the hall. I braced myself against the door. He tried the knob, but then continued down the hall, shouting for me. "Kaoru, please come out! I want to talk to you!"

I couldn't do it.

I couldn't stand to speak with him, to be so painfully honest with him when he was only pretending.

It was never an act to me, but that's what it was to him.

That's all it ever was to him.